[LetDownNTX]

I feel a little strange posting here, I have read some but I usually post on the coping with infidelity forum. I dont know if I should post this there or here but its so personal that I almost feel bad for posting it.

My husband had a couple of affairs, I believe he is done with them now but then I really dont know for sure? It started in 2007 and went thru 2010, at that time he came home and has been home since.

The OW was thinner than I am, she had nothing else going for her but that, because she is hideous in my opinion. I have felt inadequate since although our sex life has been "ok". In the last 3 years sex has gone up and down for us. At current its been two weeks and its not because of me.

If I initiate sex it seems like it doesnt work. He has to be the one that starts it and even then its not always successful. Things will start good and then during sex he will go soft and in an attempt to get him hard again I will do whatever it takes. Often times he will ejaculate while his somewhat soft penis is in my hand. It seems so unnatural to me that this can happen but Im not a man so I dont know?!

I have narrowed it down to 4 reasons but am hoping that someone thats dealt with this might be able to help me.

1) He masturbates too much, which makes him not want to be intimate with me. I dont know how much he does it but have found evidence of it, but not daily and not consistently. When I mention it to him he gets angry and says "cant a person have a private moment". I totally get him doing it, not against it at all but he gets so mad if its brought up, as if Im fussing at him for doing it and all I do is tell him I dont care until it affects our sex life.

2) He is screwing someone else or wants to be. (again he swears he is done with the OW and I honestly dont have any proof that he isnt)

3) He has a medical condition, be it testosterone or depression (he is very negative and down about everything in life in the last 3 years...he always sees the glass as half empty.)

4) He isnt attracted to me. (The last time I said something about him masturbating was about 3 months ago....he got very angry and said he didnt want to have sex with me, he wasnt attracted to me. Hearing him say it totally broke my heart but that night he wanted to have sex with me...go figure).

I dont even ask for sex anymore because I dont want to feel rejected and I dont want him to feel pressured if it doesnt happen.

Is it normal to be able to ejaculate when it appears to me he isnt even turned on. The first couple of times it happened I was shocked because I didnt think he was even aroused and then BAM! I told him I wasnt expecting it because he wasnt hard and he said it still felt good.

We do have sex occassionally, it was about once a week but in the last couple of months we sometimes go two weeks but it always has to be on his terms or it doesnt work?!

Any ideas, suggestions? Its hard not to take it personal! (no pun intended)

 

[deejov]

So sorry you are going through this.
I'm a similar wife. All I can really say is... there is most likely a reason why he isn't interested in sex, but hes either unable to tell you or doesnt want to tell you. (I know why my husband isn't interested)

Did you two ever really resolve why he cheated?

It might not be that he isn't physically attracted to you. It might be more of some resentment \ bad feelings between the two of you.

Kinda like if you really thought a guy was a real jerk... doesn't matter how "hot" he is... if he hit on you, would you be willing to "go there"? Some people aren't.

I'm not saying he thinks you are jerk... just that maybe there are some unresolved issues, and because of that, he is NOT able to just have sex with you. It's too personal.

 

[LetDownNTX]

So sorry you are going through this.
I'm a similar wife. All I can really say is... there is most likely a reason why he isn't interested in sex, but hes either unable to tell you or doesnt want to tell you. (I know why my husband isn't interested)

Did you two ever really resolve why he cheated?

It might not be that he isn't physically attracted to you. It might be more of some resentment \ bad feelings between the two of you.

Kinda like if you really thought a guy was a real jerk... doesn't matter how "hot" he is... if he hit on you, would you be willing to "go there"? Some people aren't.


I'm not saying he thinks you are jerk... just that maybe there are some unresolved issues, and because of that, he is NOT able to just have sex with you. It's too personal.

Thats a very likely possibility. I think that he blames me for more everything bad in his life, although he is the one that makes the bad decisions. He's been doing it for so long that I think he has himself convinced...it was a way to justify himself for cheating.

I also think he has a very low self esteem. The cheating started after he lost 115 lbs and couldn't handle the attention he was getting from other women. He has sense put on a majority of the weight because he's an emotional eater and nothing appears to be "good" in his life right now.

 

[needguidance]

Im on the other side of this spectrum so it's hard to figure out. I was the cheating spouse and since I worked things out with my W, she isnt getting there sexually yet. The lack of frequency is killing me. Now thats why Im confused as you want sex with your H even though he did that, Im sure it was painful. If he is remorseful then it was painful for him too. I think my W hasnt fully forgiven me yet and thats why she has a problem initiating, talking about the topic of sex or just being more sexual on a regular basis. I kind of feel like you do in a different sense though. Maybe Im not her first choice (found her #1 during our separation and now Im officially #2?), she says she is still sexually attracted to me but no sexual desire yet, I know she has masturbated in the past but Idk if this effect things now and I couldnt prove it any because what man has ever caught a woman doing that, medical condition probably not and screwing someone else I cant confirm or deny. I know for me the background of cheating was not for the woman being more attractive than my W, she just filled that sexual gap, thats it. Nothing more nothing less. I definitely like to talk more with you, I think we could both provide good perspectives because of the situations.

 

[richie33]

Sorry to hear this "man" is doing this to you. You deserve better and you should demand to be treated better!!
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[deejov]

Consider NOT taking responsibility for his problems anymore?

By that, I mean don't allow yourself to be his "reason" for life being "bad".
Let him make his own decisions. They aren't really good or bad... they are just HIS. Don't give him advice, even if he asks for it. Just be okay with the way he is.
Be supportive, but in a way that isn't judgemental. Things like "I am confident you will resolve this in the best possible way".

If he was cheating for the reasons you've mentioned, and you are feeling hurt by his lack of attention, do you think you both have a similar need for external validation that you are "desireable" and wanted? Does he feel he's only worthy of love when he's thinner \ more attractive? Do you feel more worthy of love when he is intimate with you?

That's kinda natural behavior.

 

[LetDownNTX]

Im on the other side of this spectrum so it's hard to figure out. I was the cheating spouse and since I worked things out with my W, she isnt getting there sexually yet. The lack of frequency is killing me. Now thats why Im confused as you want sex with your H even though he did that, Im sure it was painful. If he is remorseful then it was painful for him too. I think my W hasnt fully forgiven me yet and thats why she has a problem initiating, talking about the topic of sex or just being more sexual on a regular basis. I kind of feel like you do in a different sense though. Maybe Im not her first choice (found her #1 during our separation and now Im officially #2?), she says she is still sexually attracted to me but no sexual desire yet, I know she has masturbated in the past but Idk if this effect things now and I couldnt prove it any because what man has ever caught a woman doing that, medical condition probably not and screwing someone else I cant confirm or deny. I know for me the background of cheating was not for the woman being more attractive than my W, she just filled that sexual gap, thats it. Nothing more nothing less. I definitely like to talk more with you, I think we could both provide good perspectives because of the situations.

If you look at my past posts you will see we have had a pretty screwed up relationship after the affairs. We were seperated for some time but the sex between us never stopped. I was disgusted by him being with her but it never changed my physical attraction to him. Im one of those that whether he had those extra pounds on or not I always saw him the same. He doesnt believe that I can feel that way. The hardest part of the affair for me was that he told her he loved her. I believe that hurt more then knowing he was getting bed with her at night when we were seperated.

Because the sex continued I never really felt like I had to get to a point where I wanted to be with him intimately again. although there were times that I would look in his eyes and want to cry. We dont have much intimacy now, we basically just have sex. Its really screwed up everything in our life.

 

[LetDownNTX]

If he was cheating for the reasons you've mentioned, and you are feeling hurt by his lack of attention, do you think you both have a similar need for external validation that you are "desireable" and wanted? Does he feel he's only worthy of love when he's thinner \ more attractive? YES, I believe that is the case totally! He has even said to me before that everyone treats you better when you're thinner. Its hard for me to understand that because I honestly could care less what others think about me, as long as he thinks something of me....does that makes sense? Do you feel more worthy of love when he is intimate with you? YES, although I try not to focus on it, thats what it amounts to. He isnt an affectionate person, his idea of affection is sitting next to me on the couch and letting me rub his leg or hold his hand. Or scooting next to me in bed and letting me cuddle with him.

Although there are alot of issues and emotions that have thrown us off course I still look at him and "want" him and for him not to seem to want me or to not be able to maintain at times it makes me feel awful about myself....like Im not good enough! Its very hurtful and I cant make him understand or care.


That's kinda natural behavior.

 

[Chris Taylor]

The cheating started after he lost 115 lbs and couldn't handle the attention he was getting from other women.

Er... no. Guys don't cheat because they can't handle the attention from other women. They cheat because something is missing from their marriage.

So, the reasons for lack of sex are:

-somethings lacking in your marriage
-he's having an affair
-he has a physical problem
-he's tired of chasing you for sex and getting turned down
-he's tired of you chasing him for sex and has turned himself off (except for masturbation)

Marriage counseling yet? If I were you, I'd come right out and tell him the situation cannot be maintained like this and you need to get in front of a counselor to hash this out.

And yes, guys can ejaculate with a soft penis.

 

[hurthubby]

LetDownNTCX you may be right about having LT, and he should go see a doctor about that. Is he stressed at work alot or does he have alot on his mind. Sounds more like a stress issue or medical problem as to why he cant get an erection that wont last while having sex. Either way I feel for you and having to deal with this situation. The side effects of having an affair never really seem to go away, and that really sux.

 

[needguidance]

If you look at my past posts you will see we have had a pretty screwed up relationship after the affairs. We were seperated for some time but the sex between us never stopped. I was disgusted by him being with her but it never changed my physical attraction to him. Im one of those that whether he had those extra pounds on or not I always saw him the same. He doesnt believe that I can feel that way. The hardest part of the affair for me was that he told her he loved her. I believe that hurt more then knowing he was getting bed with her at night when we were seperated.

Because the sex continued I never really felt like I had to get to a point where I wanted to be with him intimately again. although there were times that I would look in his eyes and want to cry. We dont have much intimacy now, we basically just have sex. Its really screwed up everything in our life.

Right! Now for me I was the one who never lost the sexual desire for my W. Even when I found out she was having an EA and reaching out to other men (after the affair happened), I never lost that sexual desire for her. Same thing with appearance, I think she has a lot of image issues and she feels like I judge her. I guess its easier to not have image issues when you date new people but when its someone youve been around for so long you want to be your best physically. She mentioned the same thing about being disgusted with me, thinking she settled, wasting her good years being with a man who wasnt there for her 100%, etc. I never treated the OW better than my W sexually and nothing outside of sex. It was literally just what it was. I just cant figure out why my W still has this hang up. I know everybody is different and we all take things differently but when I hear or read about someone like you then I know its not impossible to still feel sexual feelings towards someone who hurt you. Especially when you make the effort to be with them again after the pain. I guess my real question is what keeps you going in this? For me, idk anymore. Ive lost a lot of desire now after I realized that she did treat the men she dated while we were separated like kings but I am the peasant now after changing my ways. Did you ever fully forgive him? We are in counseling but nothing has cracked the wall she has up to bring back her sexual desire for me. And she said if I bring up anything pertaining to her portion of the separation (why she became sex crazed but now she is celibate damn near)in counseling then it falls back to D....

 

[LetDownNTX]

LetDownNTCX you may be right about having LT, and he should go see a doctor about that. Is he stressed at work alot or does he have alot on his mind. Sounds more like a stress issue or medical problem as to why he cant get an erection that wont last while having sex. Either way I feel for you and having to deal with this situation. The side effects of having an affair never really seem to go away, and that really sux.

He was very "down" yesterday I asked him what was wrong and after we fussed a little I asked him if he felt "depressed" he said he probably is because he hates his job. He is in a management position and is being pulled a million different ways all the time. Everyone always passing the buck. Plus he says he is stressed about the finances and then "you start"

I hate my job also, dont make nearly enough money for what I do and Im pretty stressed about the finances but we handle things differently so its hard for me to grasp the way he reacts. IMO, everything could be worse and we will get through it (financial issues) but to him life sucks, its horrible, I shouldnt have bought the Harley, blah blah blah.

 

[LetDownNTX]

Right! Now for me I was the one who never lost the sexual desire for my W. Even when I found out she was having an EA and reaching out to other men (after the affair happened), I never lost that sexual desire for her. Same thing with appearance, I think she has a lot of image issues and she feels like I judge her. I guess its easier to not have image issues when you date new people but when its someone youve been around for so long you want to be your best physically. She mentioned the same thing about being disgusted with me, thinking she settled, wasting her good years being with a man who wasnt there for her 100%, etc. I never treated the OW better than my W sexually and nothing outside of sex. It was literally just what it was. I just cant figure out why my W still has this hang up. I know everybody is different and we all take things differently but when I hear or read about someone like you then I know its not impossible to still feel sexual feelings towards someone who hurt you. Especially when you make the effort to be with them again after the pain. I guess my real question is what keeps you going in this? For me, idk anymore. Ive lost a lot of desire now after I realized that she did treat the men she dated while we were separated like kings but I am the peasant now after changing my ways. Did you ever fully forgive him? We are in counseling but nothing has cracked the wall she has up to bring back her sexual desire for me. And she said if I bring up anything pertaining to her portion of the separation (why she became sex crazed but now she is celibate damn near)in counseling then it falls back to D....

Im confused, did you both cheat or just her?

I honestly dont think that my husband treated this OW better then he did me, I have known him for 21 years and he doesnt go out of his way for anyone, unless its himself! I think she accepted whatever he gave because her H at the time was a loser, alcoholic, etc. I intercepted an email from her telling him that she knew he would handle things the way he needed to and she woudl be patient and that she was sorry. That told me that she allowed him to control the situation.

I dont know why I do what I do and I dont know how much longer I can do it. It certainly sucks all the way around. When I tell him I cant live like this he says "find someone else then" but then in the next breath he seems like he cant believe Ive said it. Kinda like telling me he isnt attracted to me and then wanting sex that night. He's so hard to figure out.

Maybe you should call your W's bluff and bring it up, even if she says it will force D, are you just supposed to sit back and take whatever she says and does and not have any expectations in the marriage?

 

[needguidance]

Yeah she had an EA with her exbf from like 6 years ago which one was of the people she ended up dating during our separation, go figure. That always linger in my mind that would she still have been with him if I worked on things earlier while I was away out of state... Anyway, any time I ask her about that stuff she locks or gets really defensive. Im not offended by it because we both agreed that were free as birds to do whatever with whoever. For me it never hindered or made me feel differently how I felt about her. I dont value her the same after finding out about how she carried herself during it but Im sure that feeling is mutual and she is an adult, free to do whatever as a single person then. I just like to know so I can have a better understanding because hell maybe it is more than just me. Maybe she hasnt completely got over someone in her past or she is still wanting to be out there. Its like I am saving her from herself? Who knows but Im tired of not feeling wanted or desired and I dont ever want to feel how I felt when I cheated. Its never justified. I just know when I was in the mindset I am in now I ran to the first person who provided what my W wouldnt. Just feeding off of it. I think she believes Im suppose to be silent about it, never bring up sex, not press the issue of not having frequent sex and put a smile on my face everyday like the situation is invisible. I know she has taken more action in fixing this and counseling will only go so far only if you keep an open mind. Im just at my wits end. I dont want to be in the same position a year from now, there has to be a cap on when I say enough is enough.

Yeah I hate that, that "I dont care what you do" mode. I usually get hit with the "lets just stick to the D then". I told her unless she really puts that in the back of her mind that somewhere down the line she wants a D, then remove it as an option! Im not willing to give up but when I am unhappy I am easy to crack under pressure. Its always contradicting. They want you to be one way but then they say its too much. When you reverse it they say its not going to work because youre not providing it at all. Its like what you want! If you want to be married then you need to make a change yourself, a very hard immediate change.

 

[LetDownNTX]

Yeah she had an EA with her exbf from like 6 years ago which one was of the people she ended up dating during our separation, go figure. That always linger in my mind that would she still have been with him if I worked on things earlier while I was away out of state... Anyway, any time I ask her about that stuff she locks or gets really defensive. Im not offended by it because we both agreed that were free as birds to do whatever with whoever. For me it never hindered or made me feel differently how I felt about her. I dont value her the same after finding out about how she carried herself during it but Im sure that feeling is mutual and she is an adult, free to do whatever as a single person then. I just like to know so I can have a better understanding because hell maybe it is more than just me. Maybe she hasnt completely got over someone in her past or she is still wanting to be out there. Its like I am saving her from herself? Who knows but Im tired of not feeling wanted or desired and I dont ever want to feel how I felt when I cheated. Its never justified. I just know when I was in the mindset I am in now I ran to the first person who provided what my W wouldnt. Just feeding off of it. I think she believes Im suppose to be silent about it, never bring up sex, not press the issue of not having frequent sex and put a smile on my face everyday like the situation is invisible. I know she has taken more action in fixing this and counseling will only go so far only if you keep an open mind. Im just at my wits end. I dont want to be in the same position a year from now, there has to be a cap on when I say enough is enough.

Yeah I hate that, that "I dont care what you do" mode. I usually get hit with the "lets just stick to the D then". I told her unless she really puts that in the back of her mind that somewhere down the line she wants a D, then remove it as an option! Im not willing to give up but when I am unhappy I am easy to crack under pressure. Its always contradicting. They want you to be one way but then they say its too much. When you reverse it they say its not going to work because youre not providing it at all. Its like what you want! If you want to be married then you need to make a change yourself, a very hard immediate change.

I think it all boils down to them never be satisfied and instead of looking in the mirror at themselves they point at you and you then become the reason they arent happy.

Even if you're seperated you are still married so, IMO, its the same as cheating. I guess everyone has their own idea of separation...some just want to sow their wild oats others need the time apart to see what they have and what they will be missing.

 

[youkiddingme]

So sorry you are in this! YOur husband could be doing what he is for all of the reasons that you listed...and perhaps a few more. The problem is that all of us would simply be guessing. You BOTH should be seeing a qualified counselor. He should probably also be seeing his doctor. Then you can find answers and not just be guessing. Low testosterone could cause some of what he is experiencing. If it is low he would feel much better after treatment.

However, another element that i am not sure you mentioned was simply that there is a lot of baggage between you both. Until this is worked out he may not be able to have the feelings that are necessary to really "want" you. So....Until some stuff gets worked out he may not be able to get it up! I have personally been there.

If he is dealing with depression.....there is NOTHING you can do to make him feel better. I would tell him life has got to change and that for you it will be changing soon. Life is too short to waste it.

As far as a man being able to come while soft.....Yes it is possible. It is not quite as pleasurable.... but it is possible. And my attitude with my wife has a lot to do with my ability.

 

[LetDownNTX]

So sorry you are in this! YOur husband could be doing what he is for all of the reasons that you listed...and perhaps a few more. The problem is that all of us would simply be guessing. You BOTH should be seeing a qualified counselor. He should probably also be seeing his doctor. Then you can find answers and not just be guessing. Low testosterone could cause some of what he is experiencing. If it is low he would feel much better after treatment.

However, another element that i am not sure you mentioned was simply that there is a lot of baggage between you both. Until this is worked out he may not be able to have the feelings that are necessary to really "want" you. So....Until some stuff gets worked out he may not be able to get it up! I have personally been there.

If he is dealing with depression.....there is NOTHING you can do to make him feel better. I would tell him life has got to change and that for you it will be changing soon. Life is too short to waste it.

As far as a man being able to come while soft.....Yes it is possible. It is not quite as pleasurable.... but it is possible. And my attitude with my wife has a lot to do with my ability.

Thank you so much for your response. You are right, its only a guess. I wish I had the real answers but I dont see him open to going to a counselor about it. He went a few times when we were separated but once we got back together he decided it was a waste of money because they just tell you what you want to hear. Hindsight....he didnt want to go because he continued his affair with the OW and didnt want the counselor holding his feet to the fire.

He doesnt see where we have issues. He thinks everything is fine until I point out when something is bothering me and tell him its a problem. Then he just gets frustrated. He's a rug sweeper!

 

[youkiddingme]

Well I would kindly let him know that you have made a decision....the status quo is not acceptable to you and you are not going to live iwth it. I would tell him that you want a healthy marriage and relationship with him....but that is not currently not what you have. So he needs to decide whether or not he wants you....if he does this thing has got to be fixed. And that means going to a doctor to see if anything is wrong and committing to going to counseling (as long as it takes) to get the marriage healthy. Let him know you love him and want the marriage...but only if he is willing to get it healthy.

 

[Cre8ify]

IMO he may be losing his erection because of the discord in his mind. Depression can be a powerful thing. Also, it is not easy for many men to have sex without being truly intimate. I don't know how this compares to "pity sex" which is an emotional battering ram.

I wonder if he has some masturbation fantasies which you unfortunately have to compete against. If he is masturbating allot and having sex with you a little, his fantasies are stacking up and grooving his brain. Either he is such a mental mess he can't perform or he is spending his intimate energy selfishly and leaving you with the leftovers.

What kind of man can say everything is fine when he is limp?

 

[MattMatt]

He might be feeling guilty.