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3 Posts
Ok, I've totally broken down and am now posting on a random forum at 1 am, as I'm sure you can all tell. Its my first post, but I've read the forum from time to time and have really appreciated and applied the sage advice, I really hope I can get a word or two.
Ill keep it simple, Im a 28 year old man, married, unemployed. I have three children, one from a previous relationship who lives with me (us). My wife is 25 and we have two sons; 9 m. and two years. So, five of us living together.
We've been married three years, and our relationship has been on the rocks ever since ever.... Seriously, genuinely, I'm going to try to be completely honest and objective about this, I'm really not just, you know, looking for support-- what I really need right now is brutal honesty.
Anyways the rant; we have very little physical contact, basically there is no outward display of affection on her part and even less emotional support. The physical affection really disappeared towards the beginning of the marriage. We hold hands sometimes in the car and she sits on my lap maybe once or twice a month. This was of course, totally teh opposite before our marriage (we dated for about a year)-- she couldn't keep her hands off of me. One of the most painful things for me though, is the complete lack of emotional support.
I dont get encouragement in any area whatsoever, like never. I don't think I ever have heard a single word of encouragement from her. Maybe its just not her nature? But what really brings the issue out for me, is that I hear so much discouragement and criticism out of her and it really wears me down. Like everything I do gets scrutinized and I constantly get remarks about how badly I am doing something or whats wrong with my personality/habits, etc. These aren't super harsh or anything, but u get the idea, its grating after a few years.
As an example, over the last couple of months, I have totally changed my diet and ramped up the excersize, yoga, and my own general organizational habits, which were never quite that good. I'm in the best shape of my life, literally lost about twenty pounds of fat, I'm 6 feet tall and 170 now, jesus I'm totally ripped, flexible, and I havent heard a word about it from her, like seriously, nothing.
A lot of these changes I think I made as an attempt to maybe bring us closer together, to make her desire me, or at least care/think about me in a positive light. I think it might have worked, but only VERY subtely, lol. Like, she asks me to cuddle her at night, which is nice...
Another thing, is that she is in a negative mood probably 85 percent of the time. She is VERY good with the kids (well, hers, my older son gets basically no attention from her), she is a very focused, intelligent mother and can be VERY affectionate with the kids and I LOVE THAT! But seriously, she is always in a crap mood and CONSTANTLY loses her temper and goes into these fits of whining spasms. (Towards me) Everything is my fault, you know? Its my fault that she's sad. its my fault that we live in a small apartment, etc. I will readily admit that I can f-up as good or better than the rest of them, that a lot of our family issues ARE MINE, but from the beginning of the relationship, I have literally NEVER heard her say "I was wrong." NEVER.... is that normal? She is so hypercritical of other people, extremely, but I've never seen her apply that criticism towards herself?
The sex-- it happens, but only when she is really drunk. This equals out to about 1-3 times a month, never more. When she is sober, forget about it, it would never happen. She either tells me she will have sex with me when I get a job, but usually its, "Oh, I don't like sex anymore," yet she finds the desire somewhere to please herself to super hardcore, anal, choking, stuff like that online...
Turning it on myself, I am a very affectionate, very positive person. We're total opposites, I'm almost always in a good mood. I'm currently unemployed, but am attending school full-time, working towards a degree in elementary education. I was formerly a garbage man. I am extremely versatile, i have a ton of active interests and hobbies and I am an incredibly connected father. My children are my very soul, I spend every second I can with them, and I do at least half of the housework every day, usually more. My parents are helping us with rent, and we have some money saved up. I know, extremely unsexy and whatever, but I have a plan, and I am busy around the clock, I'm a very hard worker. My wife has not had a job since our marriage, because she wants to be hands on mommmy.
I had a substance abuse issue for two years, after a friend died under very traumatic circumstances... Nothing illegal, but it was unhealthy... but I was never emotionally unavailable or irresponsible towards any of my duties as a father. To her, this was a huge breach of trust as I hid it from her... But she has not been sensitive about it at all, and to this day its a huge finger pointing issue..
Damn this is long. Anyways, she does not want to do couples therapy, she is constantly breaking up with me. She told me last week, "its over," because we had a fight over my own incorrect EBAY posting on her account!:scratchhead:
I've always maintained that if she wants to leave, she should go ahead, but that we should be as careful about it as possible, right? I've never been abusive towards her, I've never even lost my temper towards her... I think she mistakes it for lack of passion.. I dont get jealous, etc. But she RAGES, like for the smallest things.
I mean, I dunno, I do love her, I realize that this sounds rather disjointed. Has anyone had any experiences like this? I mean, I am having a hard time describing her good qualities. She does have them. She's very creative intelligent, she's beautiful....
I just don't know if I should move away from this relationship, I cant STAND the thought of living seperately from my two younger boys. I mean, I really dont know what I am doing, should do, Im so miserable..
Ill keep it simple, Im a 28 year old man, married, unemployed. I have three children, one from a previous relationship who lives with me (us). My wife is 25 and we have two sons; 9 m. and two years. So, five of us living together.
We've been married three years, and our relationship has been on the rocks ever since ever.... Seriously, genuinely, I'm going to try to be completely honest and objective about this, I'm really not just, you know, looking for support-- what I really need right now is brutal honesty.
Anyways the rant; we have very little physical contact, basically there is no outward display of affection on her part and even less emotional support. The physical affection really disappeared towards the beginning of the marriage. We hold hands sometimes in the car and she sits on my lap maybe once or twice a month. This was of course, totally teh opposite before our marriage (we dated for about a year)-- she couldn't keep her hands off of me. One of the most painful things for me though, is the complete lack of emotional support.
I dont get encouragement in any area whatsoever, like never. I don't think I ever have heard a single word of encouragement from her. Maybe its just not her nature? But what really brings the issue out for me, is that I hear so much discouragement and criticism out of her and it really wears me down. Like everything I do gets scrutinized and I constantly get remarks about how badly I am doing something or whats wrong with my personality/habits, etc. These aren't super harsh or anything, but u get the idea, its grating after a few years.
As an example, over the last couple of months, I have totally changed my diet and ramped up the excersize, yoga, and my own general organizational habits, which were never quite that good. I'm in the best shape of my life, literally lost about twenty pounds of fat, I'm 6 feet tall and 170 now, jesus I'm totally ripped, flexible, and I havent heard a word about it from her, like seriously, nothing.
A lot of these changes I think I made as an attempt to maybe bring us closer together, to make her desire me, or at least care/think about me in a positive light. I think it might have worked, but only VERY subtely, lol. Like, she asks me to cuddle her at night, which is nice...
Another thing, is that she is in a negative mood probably 85 percent of the time. She is VERY good with the kids (well, hers, my older son gets basically no attention from her), she is a very focused, intelligent mother and can be VERY affectionate with the kids and I LOVE THAT! But seriously, she is always in a crap mood and CONSTANTLY loses her temper and goes into these fits of whining spasms. (Towards me) Everything is my fault, you know? Its my fault that she's sad. its my fault that we live in a small apartment, etc. I will readily admit that I can f-up as good or better than the rest of them, that a lot of our family issues ARE MINE, but from the beginning of the relationship, I have literally NEVER heard her say "I was wrong." NEVER.... is that normal? She is so hypercritical of other people, extremely, but I've never seen her apply that criticism towards herself?
The sex-- it happens, but only when she is really drunk. This equals out to about 1-3 times a month, never more. When she is sober, forget about it, it would never happen. She either tells me she will have sex with me when I get a job, but usually its, "Oh, I don't like sex anymore," yet she finds the desire somewhere to please herself to super hardcore, anal, choking, stuff like that online...
Turning it on myself, I am a very affectionate, very positive person. We're total opposites, I'm almost always in a good mood. I'm currently unemployed, but am attending school full-time, working towards a degree in elementary education. I was formerly a garbage man. I am extremely versatile, i have a ton of active interests and hobbies and I am an incredibly connected father. My children are my very soul, I spend every second I can with them, and I do at least half of the housework every day, usually more. My parents are helping us with rent, and we have some money saved up. I know, extremely unsexy and whatever, but I have a plan, and I am busy around the clock, I'm a very hard worker. My wife has not had a job since our marriage, because she wants to be hands on mommmy.
I had a substance abuse issue for two years, after a friend died under very traumatic circumstances... Nothing illegal, but it was unhealthy... but I was never emotionally unavailable or irresponsible towards any of my duties as a father. To her, this was a huge breach of trust as I hid it from her... But she has not been sensitive about it at all, and to this day its a huge finger pointing issue..
Damn this is long. Anyways, she does not want to do couples therapy, she is constantly breaking up with me. She told me last week, "its over," because we had a fight over my own incorrect EBAY posting on her account!:scratchhead:
I've always maintained that if she wants to leave, she should go ahead, but that we should be as careful about it as possible, right? I've never been abusive towards her, I've never even lost my temper towards her... I think she mistakes it for lack of passion.. I dont get jealous, etc. But she RAGES, like for the smallest things.
I mean, I dunno, I do love her, I realize that this sounds rather disjointed. Has anyone had any experiences like this? I mean, I am having a hard time describing her good qualities. She does have them. She's very creative intelligent, she's beautiful....
I just don't know if I should move away from this relationship, I cant STAND the thought of living seperately from my two younger boys. I mean, I really dont know what I am doing, should do, Im so miserable..