Talk About Marriage banner

Complicated, like everyone else

3980 Views 15 Replies 11 Participants Last post by  hitched4ever
I have been married for nearly two years, we were together a total of 5 years. I am happy with my husband. He is a wonderful man. He has stepped in and raised my 8 year old daughter from a past relationship as if she were his own.
When I was young(20) I was in a very intense relationship with a guy I was completely in love with. I got pregnant. We both were thrown out of our parents homes, I dropped out of college. But we were so in love, even being homeless didn't matter. Eventually his family accepted the situation and we moved in with them. But I was an emotional wreck knowing that my entire family had disowned me and our child. So I constantly asked if we were doing the right thing and maybe my mom was right and we needed to have an abortion. This was not at all what I wanted, I just wanted my family back. After an arguement over this I left, moved home with my mom, whom I told I had an abortion. After several weeks of no calls from him my mom (who had figured out my lie) talked me into an abortion. It is the biggest regret of my entire life, which if you knew some of the paths I have chosen you would understand. I never saw or spoke to him again after that.
For the last twelve years I have been searching for him and his family. I have never even come close. Then the year I was married I stopped looking. I was busy, I thought about him still almost daily. I just chose not to look anymore. It was during the first year of marriage I bagan to lose passion for my husband, probably even months before the wedding. The year before we were married we had sex 1-2 times a month if he begged enough. And since, it has only been worse.
I am not sure if a lot of people go through this or not. But I seriously would be SO happy if he said "Honey let's never have sex again." I thought it was my age that I just lost the desire to have sex.
Until three months ago when I, out of sheer boredom thought I would look for my ex from so long ago. One search and I found him. In his photo he was holding a kid. He looked really happy. So I wrote to him and told him I was sorry, but glad he had found happiness, as had I. That started us talking A LOT. All my feelings for him have come back. I love him. And I feel even more passionately for him now than ever before. We met once, and I kissed him. All I want is to leave my perfect husband and be with my ex.
I told my husband everything and he said I can not leave and I am breaking his heart. He is insisting on marriage counseling. I love him, but kissing him is like kissing a cousin. I just don't feel anything anymore. If I leave I will someday look back and regret it. If I don't try and salvage what my ex and I once had, I will wonder for the rest of my life and continue to be in the pain I have endured for the last twelve years...

Anyone who can help me, or give some advice I would love it. I know I probably sound like a nasty *****, but I am not, I just am emotional and SO incredibly confused. Sorry this is so long, but like I said it is complicated...
See less See more
Not open for further replies.
1 - 4 of 16 Posts
Let me clarify...The only reason I contacted my ex was because he looked happy and married ain his photo. I was too, so some part of me believed I could talk to him once or twice and just get over whatever it was that had kept me thinking of him. BUT, the kid he was holding was his niece. and he is single and still crazy for me.
My husband found this site, and my post. Apparently he did not know how bad things were. He is angry, and rightfully so. The last person to post, you are right to say I don't deserve someone as wonderful as my husband. However, people make mistakes. I stopped things before they went any further and told my husband. We are starting counseling this week and I have completely cut off all connections and ties with my ex. It actually feels better.
At the same time my husband realized what he had done to let me go as far as looking for an ex. He has not really been participating in this family for the last few months I have felt like a single mom. We are going to work on things.
We hope to only becoming stronger and happier through all of this.
To those of you with advice, THANK YOU!!! It really gave me confidence in what I have decided to do. It is really great to have outside opinions.
See less See more
In truth you deserve (and probably will) lose everything. But it would also most likely be the best thing for your husband. You don't deserve his love. You squandered what you had and now you're a cheater. It looks like there is no way to turn your selfish heart back to the man who loves you. Expect a lot of pain.
People are here for advice not judgement. If you can't do that than you shouldn't even be on this site. I am guessing you must be on this site for a reason, and you know people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
Wow. Some of these answers make me want to lay down and die. It does put things into prospective for me. Now that it has been a few days, my H and I have talked. He has admitted there are other issues. I am not my any means condoning what I did or using our problems as an excuse. What I did was a mistake and I regret it a lot.
We are working on repairing what we had, and there is not a moment that passes that I don't see how lucky I am for that.
Many coments really woke me up, the past is a fantasy, and as much as I feel I want to live there somedays, I need to leave it there and be greatful for what I have. Thank you everyone who wrote.
1 - 4 of 16 Posts
Not open for further replies.