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I don't even know where to start. My marriage is complicated to say the least; my husband and I have been married for 2.5 years but we have only spent about 1 year of that together (we've been together for a total of 5 years). I'm Canadian and he is American and so sometimes distance was something we had no control because of residency issues. For the past two years I've been living about 9 hours away from him where I was completing my masters degree. I was able to move to where he was living for 4 months because I got an internship in the same city he was living in. As of June I moved to a new city and he moved to finally live with me in September. I'm still working on my thesis and working part-time so a lot of things have been difficult for me. Even though things have been difficult I was able to start of life for myself here with making new friends and playing on various sport teams. My husband on the other hand moved here with a very sour attitude. He didn't want to live in this city and so to him everything was horrible here. It didn't help that he had a messed up arm and foot so he was unable to play any sports and make some new friends. In addition, he was looking for a job which took a while. After about 4 months he was finally able to get a job but of course it didn't pay him as well as his last job so I would hear everyday about how he felt used and under-paid. I would tell him all the time that it just takes some adjustment and things will work out it's just your first job here and you will work up from here. I would empathize with his feelings and give him suggestions to help make things better for example, I suggested finding a part-time just to have something to do while looking for a job. Or to go to the library career centre to have them help with job searches. I also pushed him to hang out with the couple of friends that he had here-I would literally drive him over there and pick him up later just so he didn't have to worry about transit.
Even though I felt very drained from my thesis and work I tried very hard to support him and push him to find his niche here. After a while though I just couldn't deal with his months and months of negative attitude. He wouldn't even go anywhere in the city unless I had taken him there before. So I felt like I was shouldering all of the emotional weight of the relationship. On top of this and probably because of all this stress I gained about 20 pounds. So I didn't really want to be touched b/c I didn't feel sexy anymore nor did he tell me that I looked okay, pretty or even good.
I believe I have set the stage for what is currently going on. We have been fighting all the time sometimes just little snips at each other and then sometimes complete cry fest and sleeping in separate rooms. This past weekend he took me away for a nice night at a hotel and dinner at a restaurant we had always wanted to eat at. Everything was good until later on in the evening when I had repeated something that I said earlier and he yelled at me for complaining all the time. I then proceeded to say "thanks for ruining this wonderful night" probably not the best thing to say.
Once we got home the next day we had a full out discussion about what was really going on and how we are both unhappy. I took it as an opportunity for each of us to find something small to work on and to keep bettering the relationship and he was hinting around about divorce or separation. He didn't actually say those terms but he did say we should maybe take a break and that we are going in separate directions, which I then pointed out to him that he was talking about separation and divorce. We ended up "making up" and saying that we are going to push through and find our happiness but I like to have a plan to change things otherwise if we keep doing the same thing won't it just bring us back to where we are now? I tried talking to him about getting some relationship books where we can work together at improving our selves but he doesn't want to read anything.
So how do I help us get better? How do I get my husband to work on some of our issues without pushing him away? I still see this wonderful future we could have but I think it will take a little more work and maybe a slightly different path to get there. If anyone has any ideas I would love to hear because I just don't know what to do right now.
Even though I felt very drained from my thesis and work I tried very hard to support him and push him to find his niche here. After a while though I just couldn't deal with his months and months of negative attitude. He wouldn't even go anywhere in the city unless I had taken him there before. So I felt like I was shouldering all of the emotional weight of the relationship. On top of this and probably because of all this stress I gained about 20 pounds. So I didn't really want to be touched b/c I didn't feel sexy anymore nor did he tell me that I looked okay, pretty or even good.
I believe I have set the stage for what is currently going on. We have been fighting all the time sometimes just little snips at each other and then sometimes complete cry fest and sleeping in separate rooms. This past weekend he took me away for a nice night at a hotel and dinner at a restaurant we had always wanted to eat at. Everything was good until later on in the evening when I had repeated something that I said earlier and he yelled at me for complaining all the time. I then proceeded to say "thanks for ruining this wonderful night" probably not the best thing to say.
Once we got home the next day we had a full out discussion about what was really going on and how we are both unhappy. I took it as an opportunity for each of us to find something small to work on and to keep bettering the relationship and he was hinting around about divorce or separation. He didn't actually say those terms but he did say we should maybe take a break and that we are going in separate directions, which I then pointed out to him that he was talking about separation and divorce. We ended up "making up" and saying that we are going to push through and find our happiness but I like to have a plan to change things otherwise if we keep doing the same thing won't it just bring us back to where we are now? I tried talking to him about getting some relationship books where we can work together at improving our selves but he doesn't want to read anything.
So how do I help us get better? How do I get my husband to work on some of our issues without pushing him away? I still see this wonderful future we could have but I think it will take a little more work and maybe a slightly different path to get there. If anyone has any ideas I would love to hear because I just don't know what to do right now.