Completely Lost!

1773 Views 18 Replies 8 Participants Last post by Conrad, Nov 20, 2012

debber

Discussion Starter · Nov 20, 2012

Good Morning Everyone,

First post. First everything. I don't know who to talk to about this, I'm at a complete and utter loss.
My wife wants to go through with a separation and than ultimately a divorce.
We have been married for 1 year though we have been together a total of 5 years. We have a 2 year old boy who I love more than words can say.
The ongoing problem and reason for the divorce is my family, in particular my mother. It seems as though my wife and mother cannot get along. My mother is a very difficult personality and very difficult to get along with. On the most recent battle with my mother and wife I was supposed to step up to the plate and let my mother know that she can no longer treat my wife this way and etc and so forth as her little digs and comments hurt my wife and causes us to argue. Of course for me this was easier said than done as I respect my family a great deal. I grew up with my mother in this regard and I just got used to it. It bothers me, but I shrug it off, my wife cannot do the same.
This struggle between my wife and mother has been going on for awhile now and it has not been the first issue of argument for us.
My wife has a difficult personality as well. Very stubborn, quick to anger, and verbally abusive.
Just recently my wife has had enough and said that we are better off going our separate ways as this problem will never go away and she will not deal with it. She said that I should have manned up and not be a, 'female genitalia'. She told me that I have let her down and have let down my son and that she was very disappointed in me. That I chose this and have to live with the consequences.
Folks, I can tell you from the bottom of my heart I love my wife unconditionally. I am in law enforcement and I know the strain shift work can have on a marriage. I do not want to leave my wife and my son. I am willing to do anything and everything for my family. We have made many sacrifices for the family already.
I am completely lost as to what to do. I begin crying when I think about leaving my beautiful son and begin to bawl when I than think about leaving my wife.
I feel as though my world has crumbled, I have no want to carry on. I have nothing but my family, it means more to me than anything on this earth.
What do I do? I want to make this work so much but I don't think my wife wants any part of it?
I don't know what to do...
Do I stay in the home or move out?
What happens to my son?
My wife does not work full-time, I do? What happens with alimony?
Child support?
I have so many emotions running through me I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

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BigMac

· #2 · Nov 20, 2012

180 my friend ! Leave her alone for now , the problem is not that big.

Why do you live close to your mom ? Why do you bring them both together if you know they are difficult ?

Calm down ! She'll calm down too ! Then talk to her very politely and tell her if she want to save the family you'll be on her side and you two will move away asap !

Keep in mind - moms like yours won't like any woman , she is jealous about you. So no matter what , if you want to have a stable family keep it away from your mom ... as far as possible !

Stay strong and write here when you feel you need to say something to someone !

Reactions: 1

debber

Discussion Starter · #3 · Nov 20, 2012

My mother does not live close to us.
I grew up being very close to my family. With that comes my strong family morals and values. At the same time it seems to act like a negative as well because i feel like I owe some kind of alligence to my family.
I don't want to write them off all together as they are my mother and father and I will always love them.
Do I completely write off my mother?
I don't have an issue with my wife not wanting to have any dealings with my mother, I don't blame her.
I just don't know what to do.

debber

Discussion Starter · #4 · Nov 20, 2012

Shes texting me about what I want to do with the house, if I want to keep it or let her have it as she will have to let her parents know.
She has already planned out a calendar when I get to pick up my son.

What do I do?

HappyKaty

· #5 · Nov 20, 2012 (Edited)

Obviously I don't know the whole story, but from the information you've provided, your wife has a valid reason to be upset.

Now, don't get it twisted...I said upset.

Not divorced.

Mothers-in-law can be incredibly overwhelming, sometimes, especially when they feel like their baby boy is being stripped from them.

You can admit your mother has a less-than-pleasant personality, and she's YOUR mother.

Imagine how that comes off to your wife.

It seems she has asked you, several times, to confront the problem.

You have to do that.

I promise you your wife will never "shrug it off".

She is supposed to be your number one lady.

Not your Mama.

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Hermes

· #6 · Nov 20, 2012

HappyKaty said:
Obviously I don't know the whole story, but from the information you've provided, your wife has a valid reason to be upset.

Now, don't get it twisted...I said upset.

Not divorce.

Mothers-in-law can be incredibly overwhelming, sometimes, especially when they feel like their baby boy is being stripped from them.

You can admit your mother has a less-than-pleasant personality, and she's YOUR mother.

Imagine how that comes off to your wife.

It seems she has asked you, several times, to confront the problem.

You have to do that.

I promise you your wife will never "shrug it off".

She is supposed to be your number one lady.

Not your Mama.

:iagree:

This x 1000.

I love my mother, but my wife is my number one woman. She does not feel that way from you right now. Step up to the plate.

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BigMac

· #7 · Nov 20, 2012

debber said:
My mother does not live close to us.
I grew up being very close to my family. With that comes my strong family morals and values. At the same time it seems to act like a negative as well because i feel like I owe some kind of alligence to my family.
I don't want to write them off all together as they are my mother and father and I will always love them.
Do I completely write off my mother?
I don't have an issue with my wife not wanting to have any dealings with my mother, I don't blame her.
I just don't know what to do.

With saying this means you wont "give" up ! Woman need affection from her hubby - this is why your W is upset on you . In her eyes you look like mommy's boy ( or wussy ) .

NEVER and EVER forget - woman doesn't like wussies !

By standing always on your family side you'll lose every girl you get into relationship with .

There is a way to balance in between , and again if your mom is a difficult person, then keep her away from your family !

HappyKaty

· #8 · Nov 20, 2012

debber said:
Shes texting me about what I want to do with the house, if I want to keep it or let her have it as she will have to let her parents know.
She has already planned out a calendar when I get to pick up my son.

What do I do?

You give her space and work on yourself.

If you're not, already, get into individual counseling.

Re-read the first half of my first sentence.

Don't forget that part.

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debber

Discussion Starter · #9 · Nov 20, 2012

Thank you all for the responses.
I obviously have to step up to the plate but how do I even begin to do that with my mother? Do I tell her that my marriage is on the rocks part and parcel by the way you treat me and my wife? And that I'm taking a step back from them to work on my marriage?
I don't know how to approach this situation in the least bit.
I will give her space, I can leave her be. Though what happens when she tells me to leave the house?
So many things are going through my head right now.

Ostera

· #10 · Nov 20, 2012

You have got to put your wife first. Period! Family will always be there, but your W may not if she perceives she's second fiddle. You need to speak with your mother and tell her how she is effecting your marriage. Tell her she needs to respect your W because that is the one you chose to be with. If your mom doesn't get it, then that is her issue, not yours.

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HappyKaty

· #11 · Nov 20, 2012

Personally, I think you need to get into counseling, first.

You're not strong enough to have that conversation with your mother, right now.

debber

Discussion Starter · #12 · Nov 20, 2012

So am I just prolonging the inevitable?
Do I tell my wife that I plan to attend councelling for my issues?

HappyKaty

· #13 · Nov 20, 2012

debber said:
So am I just prolonging the inevitable?
Do I tell my wife that I plan to attend councelling for my issues?

Don't tell her anything.

You're doing this for you.

Not her.

debber

Discussion Starter · #14 · Nov 20, 2012

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Ostera

· #15 · Nov 20, 2012

debber said:
So am I just prolonging the inevitable?
Do I tell my wife that I plan to attend councelling for my issues?

That's a call you would need to make. It depends on how your wife will 'receive' that information. It could work either way. She could view it as you addressing this weakness. OR, she could see it as you admitting your weak. Only you know how she will view it.

BigMac

· #16 · Nov 20, 2012

Don't be mommy's boy debber . You have to stand up for your self, your family and your wife . Period !

You have to tell them the truth , no games ! They caused allot of tension and that have to stop . Period.
They can not call or come to your house uninvited etc ... don't visit them for awhile , just to chill out .

himac

· #17 · Nov 20, 2012

Debber, I think there are more issues than the mother-in-law. She knew your mother before you got married and yet she decided to marry you.

Have you talked to your mother about this? Explaining to her that she is causing you heartache? Just explain that if she doesn't stop with her comments, you cannot see her as often as you would like. Maybe she'll get a clue that she shouldn't attack your wife.

Separation isn't the end as long as both parties want to work at it. While on your separation request for some couples therapy... It's also to make sure that it's not just your mother.

Good luck!

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Eternal Embrace

· #18 · Nov 20, 2012

Listen to all the above advise. Period.

As said before by the others - doing the 180 and going into IC is not meant to be used as tools aimed at getting your wife back. Instead, they are tools you should use to help yourself understand the situation more, handle the situation more properly and able you to become a better person for yourself! If you're not much use to yourself - how are you gonna be of any good for any relationship?

And telling your wife that you plan on going to IC - well, no offense, but you've told her that you were gonna step up before and it didn't exactly pan out, did it? She most likely takes the things that you say about bettering the situation as pie crust promises - easily made and easily broken. And you can't really blame her for that.

And truth is, women (and men for that matter) aren't attracted to the crying, begging, pleading system. Those actions paint you as weak and undeserving of respect. More often than not, displaying those actions will actually drive someone farther away from you instead of bringing them closer. Think about it - you're an Officer, right? How would people you appreheand/arrest act if you displayed weak tendencies? Would you gain their respect? No. Instead, your job requires you to be cool, calm and dispassionate (Yes, I'm stealing Conrad's words) and in doing so you gain people's respect and by doing that they are more apt to work with you rather than against you.

As for the mother situation. Well, who did you marry, darlin'? Your wife or your mother?

You need to stand up for your wife - the two of you are/were a family and you're messing that up by putting your mother ahead of your wife. And I'm not saying that you need to cut all ties with your mother and father but you do obviously need to establish some firm boundries with them - and IC is a great place to learn what boundries to set and how to go about it. Just because after spending your entire life knowing/dealing with your mother and her personality does not in any way mean that other people can and will shrug off your mother's behaviors as you do. Nor should they be entirely expected to.

Good luck, keep your chin up!!! Research the 180 and get into IC. Keep posting as well.

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Conrad

· #19 · Nov 20, 2012

I grew up with my mother in this regard and I just got used to it. It bothers me, but I shrug it off, my wife cannot do the same.
This struggle between my wife and mother has been going on for awhile now and it has not been the first issue of argument for us.
My wife has a difficult personality as well. Very stubborn, quick to anger, and verbally abusive.

Do you think these two observations may be related in some way?

You grew up with impatience and anger, then proceeded to marry it.

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