[KAISER]

My wife and I have been together for 7 years and married for 4. I am 31 yrs old and she is 27.We seem to be drifting further apart from each other emotionally every passing year of our marriage.One of my reasons for not feeling as close to her as I once did is because of our ever declining sex life.It seems to have taken a plunge after the birth of our only child together 4 years ago.It went from two to three times a week to once every 3-4 weeks after her birth.We are currently only intimate every 9-10 weeks.She says it is because of a decline in sex drive but dropped a hint last night that it may be because she hasn't forgiven me for things I have done in our relationship.She remembers every wrong I have committed and brings it up constantly.The worst thing that I have done in our marriage is upon receiving the mail one day I tore up some enrollment papers from a preschool that my wife was interested in having our child attend.I did this for two reasons because I felt that we could ill afford yet another monthly payment and because I feel whatever she needs to know to get into kindergarten can be easily taught by us.I spend time with flashcards and books teaching her but my wife says she won't because it is too frustrating getting her to pay attention.She is a smart little girl and picks up on things as fast as most kids her age.I fully realize that I should not have thrown these papers away and it was simply a dumb move on my part.I can understand her anger at me for this but I have apologized a hundred times for this.She also blames me for not getting up enough at night with our daughter when she was first born.I admit that I was only getting up with her a third of the time and my wife was doing the rest.We both worked at the same auto manufacturing plant at the time on the same shift.I was working about 50-55 hours a week and she was getting 40-45.I am a supervisor there and felt I could not get less sleep than I was and still perfom decently at work.She had a basic assembly job that was not that physically taxing.I basically thought I was doing my fair share at home given the amount of hours I worked and much higher income brought into the home.Well, I guess she doesn't feel that way.Well,before I write a short autobiography I guess I should get to the point.My wife has said nothing about getting a divorce but I don't know if I can continue to be hurt by her lack of affection and unwillingness to forgive and forget.I am making an honest effort to change some things about me and heal her wounds I just don't know if I can ever live up to her "ideal husband standards".The closeness isn't there as it once was, but I still love her very much.I would greatly appreciate any feedback on this!

 

[VAW1]

It sounds like you are trying to make her sound like the 'bad guy' here. Marriage is an equal partnership -- regardless of what your job was and what her job was, the parenting should always be 50/50. I don't agree with the fact that you say you were a supervisor and you require more sleep because if she wasn't a supervisor then she was probably doing more labor than you. This in turn would require her to need more sleep to function properly at work. Don't you agree? ...On to the next issue...

I will again reiterate that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. Thinking that you are doing enough at home may not be enough. Why shouldn't your wife have high 'ideal husband standards' and why should you not be able to fulfill them? That's your job as a husband right? If you held up your end then maybe she could be more forgiving on her end.

All in all, I don't feel that you are giving the whole story. Men seem to forget that there are 2 sides to every story, yet their side is all that ever comes through. My advice is to step back and try standing in her shoes and see if you'd treat you like you think you should be treated.

 

[Lainey]

answer to completely frustrated

My husband and I have been reading a great book called 'Sheet Music' by Dr Leman. I think the title is self explanatory but it really is great. Bottom line your wife sounds tired and she is blaming you for your part in that. To have a great sex life you need to show her that you love her in lots of different ways through the day. You can say 'I love you' through helping with the washing up, giving her some time off from looking after the kids and listening to her.
Do you know what your wife's language of love is? If you don't you need to find out, sow love into your marriage and you will find it gets returned. Don't get into despair.
On the forgiveness side of things - you are right this is a real issue. Without forgiveness your relationship will struggle, there are ways to find help though and lots of good books out there which teach people how to forgive. On your part though remember when you ask for forgiveness don't justify yourself. Bottom line you can see that the damage your past decisions have had in your relationship so apologize. Don't try and explain why (that will just compound the problem) just apologise for being inconsiderate and putting yourself first.
2equal1

 

[happygirl88]

think about it

Here's a question for you. How long did your wife complain about your actions before you finally decided to apologize and try to change? You sound like many guys I've met before that wait till the word divorce comes up before you take things seriously. I hate to tell you that it may be too late for simple apologies.
And regarding the whole thing about throwing out the preschool papers, your reasons sound plain selfish. When it comes to your children, money for their education shouldn't be a factor. You do what you have to do to make sure they have every opportunity available. The whole thing about flashcards is they are no substitution for a preschool education. Preschool not only teaches the children basic facts, but it helps to prepare them socially for elementary school as well as getting them used to being in a school type setting. Children need to learn early from other people besides their parents which most of them don't learn well from anyways.
I do agree with the last comment made though about needing to apologize without excuses. You obviously do make excuses when apologizing just like how you justified letting your wife get up with your daughter because you worked more hours and made more money. So what, you felt she should do more to make up for the difference in income? I don't think so.
You said that you feel that you and your wife have been drifting apart emotionally, but then you go into the lack of sex. It sounds to me like you feel that relationships are only good if you get sex regularly. Let me just say this. A woman does not want to have sex with someone who is constantly doing things that make them angry.

 

[KAISER]

Thanks!

There is some validity to all of the criticisms leveled at me.We are looking at counseling but I fear it may be too late for her to forgive me.She is a good woman and I am sorry for any pain I may have caused her over the course of our marriage.

 

[SageMother]

I think eeryone has covered the fogiveness issues quite well here, so I am going to mention something else.

It is normal for a woman's sex drive to drop after the birth of children. This affects some women more than others, but the fact is that the presence of children is a prirority in the mother's mind.

I dare say that this isn't a priority for you, and you demonstrated this with the preschool incident. If youa re not able to align yourself more with her priorities, things aren't going to get better.

 

[SageMother]

I think everyone has covered the forgiveness issues quite well here, so I am going to mention something else.

It is normal for a woman's sex drive to drop after the birth of children. This affects some women more than others, but the fact is that the presence of children is a prirority in the mother's mind.

I dare say that this isn't a priority for you, and you demonstrated this with the preschool incident. If youa re not able to align yourself more with her priorities, things aren't going to get better.