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Hey everyone. I'm new to these boards but I could really use some advice.

To give you a quick background. We've been married 2 years this month and we were together 2 years prior to that. We're both fairly young, he'll be 23 next week and I'm 22, 23 this fall. We went through a LOT of changes at the beginning. We had a long distance relationship before we got married (6 hours driving time) we saw each other about every 2 weekends and spent the summers together. He was always a huge romantic and very affectionate. Couldn't keep his hands off me usually.

After we got married I moved to VA to be with him and we lived in a small apartment which was part of his parents house for 1 year while we saved for a house. During that year I thought my life was falling apart. I got pretty depressed and started gaining weight (I'm not obese). Anyway, things started going down hill very fast. He was looking at p*rn instead of having s.ex with me. He signed up for online dating sites and had several profiles and messages on about 14 different sites. This continued on and off until about 6 months ago when I finally said this stops or I'm leaving. Then he ended up becoming "good" friends with a girl he works with and they ended up having a make-out session in the parking lot of a local restaurant while they were out to lunch together one day (she's married too btw). I found countless conversations on the computer between them and I know from those conversations that's all that happened but they flirted and I think if I hadn't found it when I did something more would've happened. He told her intimate details of our relationship and made me sound horrible. I guess that's typical. Anyway, I found all this out in February and I told him it was make it or break it time. We had a really long talk about both got a bunch of our chests. He's a horrible communicator and had kept a lot of his feelings inside so I had no clue what was bothering him. Things got sooo much better for a couple of months and I really thought we were on our way to recovery. However, it slowly started to fade and now I feel like I'm right back where I started.

No s.ex unless it's been 3 weeks or so and he'll finally decide he wants it. If I initiate he turns me down 99% of the time so I can't even do it anymore. He's not affectionate outside of the bedroom, as a matter of fact we don't spend time together. I'll try to pry him loose of the computer and get him to spend time with me, whether is making dinner together, taking a walk, watching a movie, whatever. It doesn't work. I've done so much research on what to do and how to fix this. I read the book "Five love languages" and talked to him about the book and we both took the little test in the back of the book. I was Physical Touch and he was Quality Time (yeah go figure).

I'm so lost. I feel so empty and unloved. My self esteem is at an all time low. My husband hasn't given me one compliment (at all) since the day of my wedding. Like I said that was two years ago on July 30th.

I've begged for marital counseling. I've even gone to counseling alone. We went to pre-marital counseling and in that he said if things ever got significantly bad he'd go to marital counseling but now he says he only said that because he felt it was the "right" thing to say. Imagine how that made me feel. Talk about misleading.


What would you do? How can I make him understand. I've tried to explain to him that I'm unhappy. He says I'm over reacting and he's fine. I'm ready to walk away I feel myself pulling away from him so I can't hurt anymore. I'm so sad. :( I didn't get married to get divorced but when he does nothing to improve anything and he won't listen to me I can't stand this. I'm too young to spend the rest of my life unhappy.

Sorry this is so long but it's kind of a lot to explain. Thanks for any advice you can give.
 

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Hi

Okay, so you have attempted to talk to him? stop this, that or else? That kind of conversation never works. Your coming at him with an aggresive tone, of course he will get defensive, would you because I know I would. Bad communication takes 2 people, not one. You need to tell him how you feel in a non-aggresive way, with no blame, no expectations of change from him. Its easy to expect our partners to change and everything in life would be fine. My experience has taught me, if your unhappy chances are its radiating from within, not your partner who your blaming. What you goal is to make your husband understand that whilst your unhappy, your not blaming him but just asking him to help you find a way out, for yourself.

I dont know whether you work or not and I would never tell you to find a hobby to occupy your time, but absorb yourself in something, anything that interest you. You are very young, life is complicated at the best of times and I'm presuming you dont have close family or friends around you but you need to change your negativety into something positive.

Your coming across as needy, something I'm sure your not, but if I'm getting that whats your husband getting? Perhaps this is all just too much for him and hes doing the typical shutdown, run for the cave the majority of men would do.

Try a change, if what you have said or done in the past didnt work, it wont now. Try having a positive day, a totally positive day, with him and yourself. Dont let any negative thoughts into your head. If its raining outside use that to splash in a puddle, alone. If the sun is shining, enjoy it. Take a day soon, just for you to be who you know you have the potential to be by yourself, you may just surprise yourself. Dont expect your husband to supply your happy moments, they have to come from you and no one else..

serendipity
 

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I'm so sorry! I hope things have gotten better since July of 2007... but in case they haven't, have you sought out counseling on your own? Even if he doesn't come, it would be helpful for you to figure things out.

Let me know if you could still use some advice...
 
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