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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, I'm nervous about reaching out online because I've never done anything like this before, here goes...
My husband and I were high school sweethearts, I was the trailer trash and he was the rich kid. We both felt like we'd found "the one" when we started out at 15, but I insisted we date other people a little bit while in high school because I was afraid one of us would resent the other if we weren't SURE. We went through high school and college together and had an epic blast. I wouldn't change it for the world.
Fast forward to 25. I get wedding fever. We had happily made it through college, I was working but unsatisfied with my career choice. He was getting a masters degree in a not so lucrative field. His parents were still supporting us a lot to make up for what I couldn't provide. He had no interest in proposing marriage or moving forward to the next step, but he didn't really have a protest against the idea of being married to me.
I ended up throwing a terrible series of emotional tantrums (not in my character) because we weren't engaged. By then, we'd been dating for over 10 yrs and we HADN'T openly talked about marriage, which I though was a HUGH MISTAKE. His excuse was that I should wait patiently because he wasn't prepared to pay for an expensive engagement ring yet. Within a few years, I get the ring, I get the wedding.
Fast forward to 30. I decide to "come out" and speak openly about my desire to have a child, even though I know he isn't ready. I don't want to make the same mistake I made with our marriage and be coy and passive (putting the burden on him). To make things worse, EVERYONE around me is pregnant. All of my friends, celebrities, royals, family. Everyone. It is hard for me. Because we were the high school sweethearts in stable relationship, we were always considered the high water mark for love and relationships. now suddenly, we are behind for the first time in our lives.
When I first mentioned it to him, he is blindsided and says he always though he would "make it" in his carrer before he had kids. He makes a vague promise to try to get a full time job (so few in this field) and proceeds to pressure me to get to a financially stable place where I am supporting this proposed family.
Today, he felt pressured to apply for a lucrative job, that he didn't want, just to satisfy me. We both knew applications were due months ago, but he applied anyway. We he got the expected "too little too late" replay from the prospective employer, and I was crushed.
We ended up getting in a terrible argument about whose fault it is that we are not financially stable. It seems like he doesn't care about moving to this next step, just like he didn't care about getting married.
Financial stability is a huge thing to him. I've changed career paths, and we are both now "paying our dues" our respective industries, waiting for something big to happen. But since I brought up children, the career discussion has turned from supporting ambitions, to a way to blame each other for lack for stability.
I know you can't pressure someone into having kids or they will rensent it, but what if time is running out and it is exactly the right time to start acting on a plan for kids? He wants to plan on fame and fortune instead...
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Sorry if the blabbering was too much to wade through, but we did get married. I had to act like a child to get my official vows, but I got them. He was afraid to make that step, afraid it would change too much.
 

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You should ask the moderator to move this to the general relationship forum. You'll get a lot more advice over there.

One the one hand, it is a problem that you've been together that long and he "wasn't ready" to be married. Bigger problem that you forced (and had to force) the issue.

Financial security is a big deal, particularly when you are thinking about having children. If you are under financial stress now, children will amplify it significantly. Also, you don't seem to have talked in too much detail about your future plans. These are things you should have discussed in detail before marriage, especially since you had like 10 years to do that.

Another red flag (for me anyway) is your comment that he is pressing you to be able to financially support the family and he makes a "vague" promise to get a full time job. You said he was the "rich kid" in school. Sounds like he is used to being taken care of and not worrying about work. That doesn't bode well for your plans.

What does he contribute to your relationship? Forget the money for a minute. After 10+ years with him, what makes you think he is going to change?
 

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He's a slacker.

Fast forward to 25. I get wedding fever.

You were dating for 10 years at this point. That's not wedding fever, that's wedding normal.

I was working but unsatisfied with my career choice.

The majority of people aren't totally satisfied with their career choice. And, if you changed careers to something you loved, odds are you'd find something you didn't like about it. That's just life, you work through it.

He was getting a masters degree in a not so lucrative field.

Let me guess, he chose that field because it would be interesting and stimulate his mind, unlike boring degrees like business and engineering. The #1 purpose of education is to enable you to support yourself.

His parents were still supporting us a lot to make up for what I couldn't provide.

For what you couldn't provide? What about for what your husband couldn't provide? The big problem here is you have two adults, no children, and you can't manage to support yourself without parental help. You would have been better served to have spent your early married years in a cheap apartment without any furniture and scraping by on what little you could earn yourselves.

He had no interest in proposing marriage or moving forward to the next step...

Typical slacker attitude. Everything's good, why change?

...we'd been dating for over 10 yrs and we HADN'T openly talked about marriage

Again, typical slacker attitude. Everything's good, why change?

His excuse...

Doesn't matter. He would have made something--anything-up to placate you. Marriage means more commitments. More commitments means more responsibility. Slackers aren't into taking on more responsibility.

Fast forward to 30. I decide to "come out" and speak openly about my desire to have a child, even though I know he isn't ready.

He'll never be ready. Fatherhood means more commitments. More commitments means more responsibility. Slackers aren't into taking on more responsibility.

When I first mentioned it to him, he is blindsided and says he always though he would "make it" in his carrer before he had kids.

Again, he's just making an excuse to placate you--to put you off. If not this, it would have been something else. Slackers don't want responsibility.

He makes a vague promise to try to get a full time job..and proceeds to pressure me to get to a financially stable place where I am supporting this proposed family.

Pressures YOU to get financially stable!!!! You are, and always will be the bread-winner in this family--get used to it.

Today, he felt pressured to apply for a lucrative job, that he didn't want, just to satisfy me.

"Felt pressured," poor thing. And surprise, surprise, he screwed up the application process. he sabotaged it. He had no intention of ever getting that job, and he made sure he never did.

It seems like he doesn't care about moving to this next step, just like he didn't care about getting married.

Exactly. He's a slacker. He just cares about today.

Financial stability is a huge thing to him.

No, being taken care of is huge to him. "Financial stability" means he won't have to do without something. Children might mean he would have to do without something.

He wants to plan on fame and fortune instead...

He's not really planning on anything. He might talk big, but what are his actions? Stagnation.
This is a perfect example of why the rich kid from the right side of the tracks is not always the best catch. Given everything growing up, he never learned how to scrape, claw, and fight to get ahead in life.

He lives a reactive life. He waits for others to come along and fix his problems (not that he sees them as problems--if he's getting his needs met today, he isn't worried about the future).

In my experience,people like this never grow up and stand on their own two feet. Honestly, I don't have much use (or respect) for them.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, and I understand this might be an unfair assessment of your husband, given how little I know about him. So, take it with a grain of salt.
 
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