Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi Folks,

This is not the first time this has happened but it has been slowing grating on me over several years. Maybe this is stupid anyway....

Seems like my wife, when she gets a gift, takes a long time to get around to doing anything with it. This typically relates to birthday/christmas/etc.

For example, 3 weeks ago I bought her a new camera bag for her camera, a set of new copper cookwear she had been interested in, and a few other small items.

These items are still on the floor in boxes from where she opened them. Although, so is a blender her mother gave her as a gift at least 10 months ago.

Finally, last night....I asked her what the story was with the cookwear. Something of the order of "I see these boxes are still here now for a few weeks, what is the story with that?". She became pretty defensive right off the bat and said "well, if we are now counting gifts, where is that watch I gave you 10 years ago". That was pretty much the exchange.

Three years ago, I bought her a new car. Went to car dealership, right there on the showroom floor with a red bow on it. She does like the car, but....i am never going to that again like that. She didnt really have too much excitement about it. I asked her about that back then and she said that she figured it out on the way to the dealership.

Whatever....most of the fun is in the giving of the gift. Kind of sucks when the other person doesnt even fake excitement eh?

Makes me not want to really buy any more gifts. We do alot of things that perhaps other families/etc are not really able to do. I feel like we are in this positive position because of me and my path over the last 10 years. I am grateful for this and I feel that it is special. I think that she feels like its 'no big deal'.

I feel a little underappreciated.....yes/no? making up things in my head? Suggestions?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
Maybe giving gifts is not her love language? The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

I'd agree with you though, it'd be very annoying to give things (from the heart) that just sit around unused. My ex did this and eventually I'd just give the things away without telling him. He didn't seem to notice. At least they got some use...
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,733 Posts
Instead of buying her things she doesn't seem to appreciate and since you're doing well, why not make a sizeable donation to a charity in her name?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Maybe not....

But how hard is it to put a camera in a bag? Really?

We have two trips planned too. Our 14yr wedding anniversary in two weeks and then us and our two kids for a sunny spot in December.
Truth be told....I'm not too jazzed about going away for our 14th. I was when we booked it two months ago...
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
thats a good idea. i am not sure that would make any impact on her really. but i do try to send our local food bank a check once a quarter. i need to do that again soon anyway.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,736 Posts
Whatever....most of the fun is in the giving of the gift.
I take it she didn't ASK for these things specifically? That maybe you heard her comment 'we need to get such and such' or something and you ran with it? Because it feels so good to be the magnanimous gift-giver?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,369 Posts
Are these things you know she wants? What about you putting the camera in the bag for her or unpacking the cookware, washing it and putting it in the cabinet? Maybe it's those helpful gestures she values more.

Definitely sounds like gifts are not her 'love language'. Maybe what she wants is time with you, or constant affectionate touching. I love gifts and would certainly use it right away, but that isn't my language. I'm physical, doing things, time spending (emotional high maintenance LOL).

I get your frustration but sounds like a disconnect that easily fixed.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,736 Posts
My H has spent 30 years buying me things I never asked for, never wanted, but expecting me to ooh and aah over them. And then he resents me for not getting excited. Why am I being punished for something HE did to make HIMSELF feel good? If he REALLY wanted ME to be happy, he'd listen to what I said I wanted (things fixed around the house), and do THAT.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
these are all specific items that she had asked for. not by exact item # in a catalog, but specific. I have made a good progress on the to-do list around the house. Fixed the door screen, front porch stairs, new lights outside. I still need to tear up the front-garden that she doesnt use anyway.

And yes, I will put the camera in the bag, unpack/treat/wash the new pans. I am not going to let them sit around out of spite or anything. Probably next week - I am heading out for 2 days, otherwise I would just do it now.

Well, i am going to do the camera bag. That will take 2 minutes :p
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,736 Posts
I just tell my spouse, 'hmm, it's been two months and you haven't opened this yet. I'm just gonna return it, ok?'
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,408 Posts
Maybe giving gifts is not her love language? The 5 Love Languages | The 5 Love Languages®

I'd agree with you though, it'd be very annoying to give things (from the heart) that just sit around unused. My ex did this and eventually I'd just give the things away without telling him. He didn't seem to notice. At least they got some use...
:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,736 Posts
these are all specific items that she had asked for. not by exact item # in a catalog, but specific.
I think there's more to your family dynamic than we're privy to. Maybe she just doesn't really care about that stuff? Maybe you have enough money that getting such stuff isn't a big deal? Maybe you give her too much so she takes it for granted?

We spoiled DD22 growing up, only child. Luckily she turned out great, not a jerk. But today, because she's so used to her dad bringing her home this thing or that thing that she frankly doesn't even care if he does or not. Even if she's said she likes it. She doesn't 'need' anything and giving her something doesn't make her jump for joy unless it's needed, like a new MP3 player after hers broke.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,359 Posts
Again, this is one of the things that makes me ask, "why should relationships be this complicated." I made the mistake of buying my x wife a new vacuum cleaner on our first Christmas. I don't remember any negative reaction at the time, but she informed me years later that it wasn't the kind of "gift" she wanted. She said she didn't want things she could "use" as gifts. It was an honest mistake. We didn't have much at the time and she had complained about not having a decent vacuum, and i love getting tools and useful things as gifts.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,505 Posts
There is more to this than pots on the floor.

playing devils advocate here.

curious: does she feel like she gets nothing, or has no control in her life unless you bequeath it to her? Seems to be more than a little resentment on both sides.

Gifts - and how they are given and received, is not the problem, is my guess.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39,736 Posts
I made the mistake of buying my x wife a new vacuum cleaner on our first Christmas.
My love language is acts of service - I feel loved when H takes care of our home (which rarely happens). His is gifts; he feels loved when I buy him stuff. For the first 20 years or so, I kept buying him tools, hoping it would make it easier for him to fix the damn house! He kept buying me clothes and perfume and jewelry and I'd rather be wearing sweats and a t-shirt.

It wasn't until I came to a forum like this and learned about love languages that I realized what we had been doing to each other. Now I buy him nice clothes and cologne so he can impress people with his looks. And he buys me weedeaters and stuff so I can impress people with my nice home.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,966 Posts
Again, this is one of the things that makes me ask, "why should relationships be this complicated." I made the mistake of buying my x wife a new vacuum cleaner on our first Christmas. I don't remember any negative reaction at the time, but she informed me years later that it wasn't the kind of "gift" she wanted. She said she didn't want things she could "use" as gifts. It was an honest mistake. We didn't have much at the time and she had complained about not having a decent vacuum, and i love getting tools and useful things as gifts.
Lol!! Sorry but who wants a vacuum cleaner for Xmas!!! Honestly
If my H bought me pans for my birthday he'd be wearing them!
Cone on men, you can do better than that.
A lovely bunch if flowers and a card with some cash in us much more preferable to a household item.
ASK your W what she would like, or take her shopping.
But please no more pans or vacuum cleaners!!
Lol.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
Lol!! Sorry but who wants a vacuum cleaner for Xmas!!! Honestly
If my H bought me pans for my birthday he'd be wearing them!
Cone on men, you can do better than that.
A lovely bunch if flowers and a card with some cash in us much more preferable to a household item.
ASK your W what she would like, or take her shopping.
But please no more pans or vacuum cleaners!!
Lol.
Posted via Mobile Device
I got new Rachel Ray pots and pans for Mothers day this year. I love them and use them everyday!

I want one of those Kitchenaid stand up mixers next, or a sewing machine... or both. I don't mind useful gifts anymore than I mind jewelry or clothes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
95 Posts
A totally different angle here, is it possible that leaving them in the boxes draws out the gift for her? I'm odd like that. I'll leave things for a long time, but I really do like having them. Its almost as if I get to experience the joy of the gift again when I get time to truly enjoy opening and using it. It drives my wife nuts, but she knows not to return them.

I was actually hoping someone else was odd like that too:eek:
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top