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ok i hope i don't sound bad saying this.. but when people put questions on here about there marriages like myself, we don't want to here that communication is the key, because i think we all know that, and we need more there is communication in my marriage, but it isn't helping, so please let try and give us ladies and men answers to there question and not just to comminicate. again please don't take this wrong.. just an idea.
 

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I thin k the reason most people say communicate is because people do not know how to anymore. Every one trys to but things go wrong. You sit down with the best intentions but as soon as he or she says somthing you don't like your deffenses come up. You stop listening and start talking over each other.

Here is a solution that I found that can help. Take a pillow and give it to your spouse. Tell him or her they have 5 min. to say what they want and you won't interrupt. At the end of the 5 min. you get 30 seconds to sum up what you heard. Then you get the pillow for 5 min. and continue this back and forth. It takes work to realy know how to communicate with each other.
 

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Its interesting how communication changes. When I was dating my husband,it seemed all we did was talk with each other, whether in person or on the phone. I would say we had good communication. Now 3 kids later, 14 yrs have passed, and communication is horrible. We talk, yes, but not communicate. We talk about things that need to be done, the kids, bills etc...but we have not communicated for several yrs.

I have no advice, but can certainly understand your quesion...
 

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First off it is the best advice. When I was on the football team in HS my coach yelled to block. Well, that was my job but it doesn't mean that I didn't need to hear that I needed to do better. At my gym class the instructor saying one and two and don't forget to breath....like as if you could, but there is a difference between doing something and doing it right.

If you had the answers would you be here?

draconis
 

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The art of communication need not always reside within the confines of what is verbalized, sometimes communication is a look or a touch or a note on a pillow or anything else that conveys the kind of care you have for another person. I agree that you already know that you need to communicate, so perhaps we can help you to find a few ways to do it that you haven't considered?
 

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Communication IS the key. But there are twenty million gazillion ways to communicate because everyone is different and everyone responds differently. So just because the one method of communication isn't working for you doesn't mean you should say it's not working. What you need to do is discover a different way, and if that doesn't work then find another...etc etc..

All in all in 15 yrs of marriage. Yes communication IS the key factor..
 

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I think that I can feel what you are saying. Since I have joined, I have made it a point that when I decide to respond to someone to do so in the best way that I can. I know what you mean.....when someone tells you the obvious answer it becomes more like duh.....I knew that, I wanted you to share some of your lifes experiences with me and provide real-life examples and answers not the obvious. I totally understand what you mean. I was trying to get an answer myself and someone responded to me like a child, mind you while restating what I said and what was obvious. It makes you question the intent of help groups or forums such as this one. I have to admit though that so far, for the most part, I have really enjoyed being invited into the lives of others and having them share in my problems and help me to come up with some solutions. I didn't take what you said the wrong way at all, here...in this forum, you don't want to feel like you are talking to your mother getting a strong "I told you so".
 

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I think that I can feel what you are saying. Since I have joined, I have made it a point that when I decide to respond to someone to do so in the best way that I can. I know what you mean.....when someone tells you the obvious answer it becomes more like duh.....I knew that, I wanted you to share some of your lifes experiences with me and provide real-life examples and answers not the obvious. I totally understand what you mean. I was trying to get an answer myself and someone responded to me like a child, mind you while restating what I said and what was obvious. It makes you question the intent of help groups or forums such as this one. I have to admit though that so far, for the most part, I have really enjoyed being invited into the lives of others and having them share in my problems and help me to come up with some solutions. I didn't take what you said the wrong way at all, here...in this forum, you don't want to feel like you are talking to your mother getting a strong "I told you so".
Just remember many people that post here do so as a favor and they do it in a way that they feel comfortable to do so.

I looked over your selfish thread and fond nothing of the duh you explained, rather people asking for clarification or to expand to what you had written because they did not know well enough to respond to you.

Like a psychologist the best medicine is not always to give an answer because most people know what they should do. The best thing for most people is to learn to get the answer and be able to work through there own problems.

Like others on these forums this is but one stop one forums that I make I am a regular on six daily, although a little less for many reasons then I use to be. But the point is why bother to dedicate time, and energy into things if people blow it off. For me this has been a surreal experience. I am lucky to have a great relationship and a wonderful wife however, I learned to never take what I have for granted and each time I come on here it make me feel like I can double check my relationship and make it better. But beyound that I also get connected to those that I am helping. I have IM some of them, talked through pm's with some of them etc. But in the end I feel for them like as if they where my friends.

It is so easy to say I communicate with my S/O. But do you really? How would you rate it and how would they? Do you listen to them. How is your temper? Do you talk down to them? etc. Communication can mean many different things for many people. The biggest problem with relationships is true communication skills between partners.

Some posts I give the quickest shortest answers to that I can. Sometimes that sinks in the best, sometimes I just have to many I want to reply to and often I have an idea of where to go but not sure how to get there.

Personally I am often the second post on questions. For me this is a hugh disadvantage because I can not build on the great advice other might add. Often people take what I write and add a bit more to mine, some even give me kudos. But all in all it doesn't bother me because I would rather as many views and opinions replying to a poster as possible.

I have personally had many people thank me, and had a few that didn't have a single nice thing to say to me or about me because they didn't like my opinion.

In the end it is all opinions, and that is the greatness of these forums you can take the stuff that you want. There are certain people I am more apt to read other then new posters because I value their opinions and like to see what they have to say. That isn't to say that I don't read all the posts because I do but some I save for time when I have more time.

SO while ever one may not post the way you'd like I don't think you could find as many people any where acting alike. If you prefer a post in a special way then have that in your opening.

draconis
 
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