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My wife loves to talk, as do I.

But when I try to respond in a conversation my wife will shut me down by saying: "I don't want to be lectured by you."

I just asked her what a 'conversation' meant to her.

"Valid interaction" she said.

"So, when I respond to something you tell me, what do you want from me?" I asked.

It turns out that she wants "acknowledgement."

Which to me mean she doesn't care what I have to say so shuts me down.

She has recently undergone "diversity" training and now uses "buzzwords" to make me seem like the problem. If she is rude and I respond she makes out that it was my fault.

I am at a loss to know what to do.:(
 

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That drives me nuts also. Basically they want to talk but don't want to be interrupted or any input. Just nod and listen.
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Some people can not handle any form of criticism, or questioning of them...they get offended...... then some of us can not stand LIES or any form or holding back/ stuffing....we can't have it both ways....

When someone shuts you down.... it's like they are saying..."Look at me, you need to thread lightly - time to walk on "Egg shells" or I'm going to damm you" .... Frankly.... annoying [email protected]#$%^&*
After a while....you learn you can't really communicate deeply with these people...it's futile.

Me personally... I LOVE to hear how others feel...their feedback/ probably why I am addicted to forums.... even if it may annoy me.... you learn to not take all of this personal.. as opinions are like A-holes...but it helps you see another's view... it aids in understanding.

What I don't like is an "obsessive talker"...I want to run from them....if they don't have the courtesy for some "give & take" , no care you are bored out of your mind with their rattling...

But opinions, love them/ bring them on! I never shut that down, I may do a little haggling with them if I see a different view....but that is all the FUN!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Some people can not handle any form of criticism, or questioning of them...they get offended...... then some of us can not stand LIES or any form or holding back/ stuffing....we can't have it both ways....

When someone shuts you down.... it's like they are saying..."Look at me, you need to thread lightly - time to walk on "Egg shells" or I'm going to damm you" .... Frankly.... annoying [email protected]#$%^&*
After a while....you learn you can't really communicate deeply with these people...it's futile.

Me personally... I LOVE to hear how others feel...their feedback/ probably why I am addicted to forums.... even if it may annoy me.... you learn to not take all of this personal.. as opinions are like A-holes...but it helps you see another's view... it aids in understanding.

What I don't like is an "obsessive talker"...I want to run from them....if they don't have the courtesy for some "give & take" , no care you are bored out of your mind with their rattling...

But opinions, love them/ bring them on! I never shut that down, I may do a little haggling with them if I see a different view....but that is all the FUN!
My wife keeps on at me to get more training to do more courses. She is always learning, adding to her degrees and Doctorates. But I have a degree and there are no courses that I feel the need to do. I wonder if she is dissing me because I am not as keen as her to learn all the time?:scratchhead:

It's actually starting to make me a bit irritable with her. But she then blames my irritability for how she treats me. Blameshiftig, I suppose...:(
 

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Tried that. Then she berates me for not really listening to her...
Damned if you do...damned if you don't. Reminds me of the time when my mother in law was babbling on and on about something and I finally told her " listen I got my own problems" That stopped her in her tracks.
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It turns out that she wants "acknowledgement."

Which to me mean she doesn't care what I have to say so shuts me down.
Try asking her what she means by "acknowledgment" and have her give you a specific example how you could respond to her that she feels you heard /listened to her instead of assuming the worse i.e she doesn't care what you have to say.

This could be one of those dynamics which is fairly common and really an innocent misunderstanding/difference in two people where one wants to just vent/be heard..the other one listen and sympathise /validate their feelings and not try and give advice on how to "fix it".Or argue a different point/ perspective like a debate.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Try asking her what she means by "acknowledgment" and have her give you a specific example how you could respond to her that she feels you heard /listened to her instead of assuming the worse i.e she doesn't care what you have to say.

This could be one of those dynamics which is fairly common and really an innocent misunderstanding/difference in two people where one wants to just vent/be heard..the other one listen and sympathise /validate their feelings and not try and give advice on how to "fix it".Or argue a different point/ perspective like a debate.
I have a horrible suspicion that, after 24 years, she is just bored with me.

She has a lot of intellectual stimulation with her colleagues at work (all with doctorates, etc) and maybe I can't stimulate her in that way?
 

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I have a horrible suspicion that, after 24 years, she is just bored with me.

She has a lot of intellectual stimulation with her colleagues at work (all with doctorates, etc) and maybe I can't stimulate her in that way?
I would "communicate" with her you feel that way.In a non /aggressive /defensive way.See what she says.Maybe without realizing it you come off as defensive because you have that insecurity? Like trying to compete?(Im only speculating she also could be acing intolerant of you and "snobby" so to speak).
 

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Also again to make it clear.Have her give examples of a conversation where how you respond she hears as "acknowledgment" ...you wont improve on this communication issue for sure "guessing" what she means by that let alone guessing its the worse case meaning on her end .If you are starting off with the belief in a conversation she doesnt even care what you have to say to begin with that wont ever turn out well.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I would "communicate" with her you feel that way.In a non /aggressive /defensive way.See what she says.Maybe without realizing it you come off as defensive because you have that insecurity? Like trying to compete?(Im only speculating she also could be acing intolerant of you and "snobby" so to speak).
I think you could be right.
 

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Maybe you should just tell her she talks too much and kiss her.

She sounds like she takes herself too seriously. (I've been known to do that) Best way to get me to see it...humor. Make her laugh. A man who makes you laugh (even at yourself) is very appealing.
I wouldn't advise this.Basically that's nothing but critisism and its also framed in a she wrong way.She talks "too much"(defect).She takes her self TOO seriously (defect).

Everyone is different and those differences (of course depending) don't make you right or better and them wrong or defective.

If you want to relay that sentiment to someone in this case you wouldn't say you are "too this " or too much of that.You are saying in a sense that they are that way and you are not so you are superior.

You could say I think you and I are a little different in this area.Which is O.K but I think that could be part of where the conflict arises.I start to feel overloaded with the conversations which frustrates me sometimes .

Also the OP never really indicated her need to talk was even excessive or that she was too serious.To me it sounded more like she was frustrated at the way he responds.And he is frustrated because he wants to talk but he feels she is not interested in his input and tries to stifle him.
 

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I agree, some people would take it that way. Especially those that cannot laugh at themselves or thier relationship is void of this type of light hearted banter.
Well I'm a complete kidder.My forte is sarcastic humor. And I have no problem making fun of myself..I do stupid stuff that amazes myself.But I don't see it as light hearted banter to relay to your spouse that their personality or character is defective.

IOW its not "funny" or light hearted to me to say "you talk too much" and "you take your self too seriously".Those are direct critisims as well as its the OPINION of another stated as some sort of fact.
 

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Especially those that cannot laugh at themselves or thier relationship is void of this type of light hearted banter.
Also this is more critsism on top of critisism.IOW you talk too much (negative trait) you take your self too seriously (negative trait) if you take that as a critisism then "you can not (are incapable) of laughing at your self or being light hearted (negative trait).

IOW that is your known OPINION of me now and its not good.But its also stated as some sort of "fact".Someone else may not hold that same opinion ..or think they (that person)is incapable of being serious and have the vocabulary /and social skills for conversation of a 3 year old.

Really all you are doing is offering your negative opinion of each other but each states this as a "fact" or a right wrong thing not even just different .Each relaying they believe to be the superior one.Because the opinion offered of course is based on in comparison to YOURSELF>
 

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My wife keeps on at me to get more training to do more courses. She is always learning, adding to her degrees and Doctorates. But I have a degree and there are no courses that I feel the need to do. I wonder if she is dissing me because I am not as keen as her to learn all the time?:scratchhead:

It's actually starting to make me a bit irritable with her. But she then blames my irritability for how she treats me. Blameshiftig, I suppose...:(
Ask her.Is the problem I'm pretty content with my education at this point unlike you who has the interest to continue on ?

Because here again what we were discussing that's simply a "difference" she is not "better" than you because of that difference.

She needs to accept you where you are at right now.And you can accept her and encourage her for going in the direction she is.It sounds like a "competition" if you ask me and you don't want to go there.
 

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You are a person that would obviously take it as critisim. I agreed there are people who would take it that way.
To clarify in the context of the OP I would.They are after all having a real conflict over this.On top of he never said the problem was she talks to much or takes herself too seriously and cant laugh at herself.In their situation since it is serious.Serious enough that they are both frustrated with each other the answer IMHO isn't to tell her not to talk so much and lighten up.That could very well INFLAME the situation..Especially because he admits he is irritated at her and she knows it.Thats not "light hearted" banter in that context.
 

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I sorry if you took my opinions and comments as negative toward you, the OP or his wife. I obiously interpreted the situation differently and do not feel my comments were negative. They were not meant to offend you. I'll bow out of this thread now as to not get off topic.
I do not feel "offended' I realize you were talking hypothetical not specifically me.I just disagree in HIS situation(I guess I will say if I was in her shoes) what you suggested would help let alone come close to resolving their communication issues.Thats all..I just disagree.Peace.
 

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IOW that is your known OPINION of me now and its not good.
Im sorry for the confusion .Sometimes I write as "if' Im speaking in the situation ..I did mean I thought YOU specifically thought that about me specifically.If "someone" (my spouse in this case) said that to me here is my reply to them is how I meant that to come out.
 
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