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My husband and I have known each other for 6.5 years now and married for 5 years. We are trying for a kid since a year now and moved on to fertility treatment. I'm on month 3 of fertility treatment, and i'm having lot of mood swings and cramps. I'm a cleanliness freak and don't like postponing chores. Before the treatment, we shared our chores and i initiated all the cleaning and chores at home. He followed me and helped me with all chores, never had problem before although there would be few arguments once in a while about him not initiating any work. When we had such arguments, both of us would take 1-2 hours to cool off and be back to normal. There weren't too many heated arguments and shouting before.

With me in pain and mood swinging all the time plus office work, I expect husband to initiate chores and do it (when I can't) when i tell him to put things in place. But he either delays doing them or never does it until i remind him like 3-4 times. This pisses me off, and when i go overboard repeating things he ends up shouting at me, not understanding what i'm going through. It takes time for both of us to get back to normal, and after we are back to normal and i tell him i'm undergoing lot of moodswings and have too many symptoms he says it's ok he understands. But this repeats all over again in a few days. This has been a cycle in past 3 months. The worst of all arguments was the one that happened a week before when he told me to leave him alone and get the f*** out of his life. He did say that he never meant any of those words later after the argument when we reconciled. But I can't get it out of my mind.

I'm too tired with all the on going arguments and i'm starting to think if we really understand each other and are compatible. I have reached a point where i'm thinking where if this ongoing fertility cycle fails, i'll take a break and rethink the whole situation. I want someone to help me understand if I am the one who's in the wrong here? Should i be doing anything different?
 

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Just because you are a certain way and like things done a certain way doesn't mean he has to as well. You are two different people, not clones of each other. If you wanted a neat freak, you should have married one because you cannot make one. Nagging him like you're his mother also won't do your marriage any favors.

So who is in the wrong? Probably both of you because you both contributed to this dynamic.

I'd suggest finding a marriage counselor to work on your communication. Preferably one who also works with infertile couples because that can add to the issues.
 

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Why does he have to do it right then and there? Just because you like it done a certain way at a certain time, doesn't mean he has to be the same.

He's going through this with you, you're not alone in this. I understand the treatment is hard on you, I've been there, but it's hard on him too, in a different way of course. He can't tiptoe around you all the time, that's not fair.
 

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Fertility treatments are making you nuts. They really screw with people's minds.

If he's not stepping up to clean "your way" on "your schedule" hire a housekeeper. It's not like it's gonna get better when you have a kid so you need to shift your mindset & give up control
 

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Do you have to cohabitate? Could he get an apt of his own? Then he could sit in his comfy chair in his underwear eating a can of soup out of the pan and let the laundry pile up until he has to do a load to have clean clothes for work.

In the meantime, you could get your home as tidy and organized as you want it and there wouldn’t be anyone around to mess anything up. You’d only have yourself to blame if something was out of order.

That way you could get together when you temp is up, but then each of you live in peace the rest of the time.
 

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My husband and I have known each other for 6.5 years now and married for 5 years. We are trying for a kid since a year now and moved on to fertility treatment. I'm on month 3 of fertility treatment, and i'm having lot of mood swings and cramps. I'm a cleanliness freak and don't like postponing chores. Before the treatment, we shared our chores and i initiated all the cleaning and chores at home. He followed me and helped me with all chores, never had problem before although there would be few arguments once in a while about him not initiating any work. When we had such arguments, both of us would take 1-2 hours to cool off and be back to normal. There weren't too many heated arguments and shouting before.

With me in pain and mood swinging all the time plus office work, I expect husband to initiate chores and do it (when I can't) when i tell him to put things in place. But he either delays doing them or never does it until i remind him like 3-4 times. This pisses me off, and when i go overboard repeating things he ends up shouting at me, not understanding what i'm going through. It takes time for both of us to get back to normal, and after we are back to normal and i tell him i'm undergoing lot of moodswings and have too many symptoms he says it's ok he understands. But this repeats all over again in a few days. This has been a cycle in past 3 months. The worst of all arguments was the one that happened a week before when he told me to leave him alone and get the f*** out of his life. He did say that he never meant any of those words later after the argument when we reconciled. But I can't get it out of my mind.

I'm too tired with all the on going arguments and i'm starting to think if we really understand each other and are compatible. I have reached a point where i'm thinking where if this ongoing fertility cycle fails, i'll take a break and rethink the whole situation. I want someone to help me understand if I am the one who's in the wrong here? Should i be doing anything different?
Your situation is common, you have two different personalities and look at things different. Thats not going to change. Marriage counseling might help for you to find a common ground and meet somewhere in the middle. In reality is what you see as needing to be done urgently he probably doesn't see as needing to be done at all.
 

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Fertility treatment it’s always mentally exhausting. You might not even realise the inner fear that comes with it. It is not just hormones and mood swings. You experience all kinds of different pain and it affects you in different ways.
First of all you two should talk. You should allow yourself to be angry and frustrated with the way life is treating you to do treatment in a first place.
You should allow yourself to be scared it might not work. You should try to comfort each other in advance as lots of your insecurity at the moment comes with a worry that he isn’t going to give you enough support if something goes wrong. In your eyes his inability to pick up the work makes him unreliable.
It probably isn’t true. Men won’t usually figure it out even if they know you well, they simply must be told directly what is expected from them and only then judged. Other thing is about doing all them chores all together. Do you have to? It is mentally and physically exhausting process for both of you. There are different things to focus on. Try be more relax about it as it will do more good to your mental health. Being controlling about your surroundings like that is often response to trauma. And this is traumatic not being able to have children naturally. It is probably the most stressful thing couple can go through. Allow yourself to just let go things and focus on your relationship more. It is worth it.
Good luck with your treatment, I hope all works for you!
 

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My husband and I have known each other for 6.5 years now and married for 5 years. We are trying for a kid since a year now and moved on to fertility treatment. I'm on month 3 of fertility treatment, and i'm having lot of mood swings and cramps. I'm a cleanliness freak and don't like postponing chores. Before the treatment, we shared our chores and i initiated all the cleaning and chores at home. He followed me and helped me with all chores, never had problem before although there would be few arguments once in a while about him not initiating any work. When we had such arguments, both of us would take 1-2 hours to cool off and be back to normal. There weren't too many heated arguments and shouting before.

With me in pain and mood swinging all the time plus office work, I expect husband to initiate chores and do it (when I can't) when i tell him to put things in place. But he either delays doing them or never does it until i remind him like 3-4 times. This pisses me off, and when i go overboard repeating things he ends up shouting at me, not understanding what i'm going through. It takes time for both of us to get back to normal, and after we are back to normal and i tell him i'm undergoing lot of moodswings and have too many symptoms he says it's ok he understands. But this repeats all over again in a few days. This has been a cycle in past 3 months. The worst of all arguments was the one that happened a week before when he told me to leave him alone and get the f*** out of his life. He did say that he never meant any of those words later after the argument when we reconciled. But I can't get it out of my mind.

I'm too tired with all the on going arguments and i'm starting to think if we really understand each other and are compatible. I have reached a point where i'm thinking where if this ongoing fertility cycle fails, i'll take a break and rethink the whole situation. I want someone to help me understand if I am the one who's in the wrong here? Should i be doing anything different?
You're having mood swings due to fertility treatments, but what's his excuse? I believe I would remind him of that. You apologized for having mood swings and I'm afraid he just took advantage of that.

Is he actually on board with spending all this money on getting pregnant, or is he just going along with it and maybe has some resentment?

Unless you're well fixed for money, I don't suppose the following suggestion would help, but you can hire someone to come do the deep cleaning one day a week.

I think you might want to have a little second thought about whether to have children with him because you're going to need way more help than you need right now when you have children and he does not seem to be on board with that. It sounds to me like he's going to leave all that to you. So I would just consider this a fair warning of things to come and make decisions accordingly.
 

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I would have a great deal of trouble staying with someone who told me to get the **** out of their life. Even in anger, those are words you do not say to someone you love and respect. Ergo, he doesn't love and respect you, and you should not stay married.

Also, having a child is HELL for neat freaks. If you find keeping up with chores stressful now, it will be ten times worse when you have a baby! If your husband isn't supportive and helpful to your needs right now, it's a strong indicator that he won't be supportive and helpful with a baby. It sounds like you have really high cleanliness standards; either you are going to have to drop them, or hire help, because he doesn't have the same standards and is getting very frustrated about it.
 

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I'm not a clean freak, but my sister is one. We have a great relationship, but It would be hell for me to live with her. She's too ocd!

I remember my pre-kids days. I used to have a clean house every day. Those days are gone! Kids are messy and it's a struggle to make them clean up after themselves. Some days I just give up and their rooms look like a tornado just touched down in there. I have more important things to worry about.

You both have to be realistic about what you can do. If you feel overwhelmed now, once you have a newborn, and you are sleep deprived, you'll feel 10 times worse.

Is it a big deal to have a little mess around the house? So much you are feeling resentment towards your husband?

My husband doesn't help much around the house, and he doesn't demand me cleaning it either. If he were barely helping and demanding a spotless house I would have a problem.

Are your standards to high to reach? Can you give an example of what you ask your husband to help you with? Is he a messy person?
 

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Some people don't like being controlled and ordered around. Ordering people around does not make a suitable trait for marriage.
 
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