Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My wife and I have been Married for 21 years, we have had a great relationship, but the last 2 to 3 years has been different. Communication is becoming an issue. It seems that we don't agree on anything anymore, politics, sports, money, my business decisions. We used to enjoy long walks together. Now I cringe at the thought of being alone that long and getting on a subject that creates tension between us. Just recently my wife had been having what I would call is an emotional affair with a mutual friend of ours. She even today denies any wrong doing. I say it was an emotional affair because of the length of phone calls and also text messages, that were of course deleted. Some days the texts were every 5 minutes, along with 30 min to 1 hr long phone calls during the times when I was at work or even sleeping. I am still trying to get over what I would call betrayal. It has been about 6 months and I am not sure if I will ever get over it, there are days when I am extremely angry and frustrated about the EA. It is hard to put my finger on what has caused are demise, the things that have changed in my life over the last 3 to 4 years, I am doing what I want to do. Joining a rock band and playing live music, and starting my own business. I think that she is resentful because of what I am doing and it is working for me. She has been totally supportive in both of my adventures, but sometimes however she says negative or sarcastic things about my band or my business. When Our mutual friend was around he would also chime in with negativity towards my business and rock band. Is it possible that we have become incompatible or maybe we were too busy with our boys to notice any issue over the 18 years or so.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
Discussed it a couple of times, she did not seem open to counseling.
Did she flat out say NO? If not, you don't know for sure. I would suggest it again. If she says she's not interested, you need to go for yourself. You can't rugsweep an affair. It's the elephant in the room and it won't go away until you deal with it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
373 Posts
My wife and I have been Married for 21 years, we have had a great relationship, but the last 2 to 3 years has been different. Communication is becoming an issue. It seems that we don't agree on anything anymore, politics, sports, money, my business decisions. We used to enjoy long walks together. Now I cringe at the thought of being alone that long and getting on a subject that creates tension between us. Just recently my wife had been having what I would call is an emotional affair with a mutual friend of ours. She even today denies any wrong doing. I say it was an emotional affair because of the length of phone calls and also text messages, that were of course deleted. Some days the texts were every 5 minutes, along with 30 min to 1 hr long phone calls during the times when I was at work or even sleeping. I am still trying to get over what I would call betrayal. It has been about 6 months and I am not sure if I will ever get over it, there are days when I am extremely angry and frustrated about the EA. It is hard to put my finger on what has caused are demise, the things that have changed in my life over the last 3 to 4 years, I am doing what I want to do. Joining a rock band and playing live music, and starting my own business. I think that she is resentful because of what I am doing and it is working for me. She has been totally supportive in both of my adventures, but sometimes however she says negative or sarcastic things about my band or my business. When Our mutual friend was around he would also chime in with negativity towards my business and rock band. Is it possible that we have become incompatible or maybe we were too busy with our boys to notice any issue over the 18 years or so.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated
It sounds to me as though the time you are spending in your rock band, touring and on your business may have taken its toll and driven a wedge between you. That isn't any excuse for her EA, but it may be an explanation. Have you spent enough time actually communicating with your wife, or has your time been spent on your own pursuits?

This "mutual friend" - he should be put entirely out of the picture, because he's not a friend to either of you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I would say that we had plenty of discussions about the EA she said she was sorry and that she had not meant to hurt me, but the fact that she really never said she did anything wrong will always be in the back of my mind. Do you think that counseling can bring this out. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that her and our "mutual friend" share a common interest/hobby and he invited her to join him a few weeks back. She had the nerve to ask if it was okay with me if she tagged along. I friggin blew my top after she asked me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
We are working on the things she enjoys doing, ball room dance lessons, traveling, going out together etc. But the communication is still not there. I am always on edge when I talk about certain subjects, we just don't agree on about 75% things that affect our everyday lives.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,625 Posts
rmc, I'm not completely clear on where your work life starts and your "adventures" begin. Is this business that you are talking about your current source of income, or is this something you are doing for your own enjoyment. Obviously the rock band is for your own enjoyment.

I am not going to blame you for the EA that your wife had - that's 100% her. But, I'm getting the sense that you do a lot of things for yourself that are just for you and to the exclusion of your wife. It seems like the things that your wife wants to do the most involve you while the things you want to do the most involves just you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
To complicate matters further, we have been talking a lot lately about her not agreeing with my views, arguing with me etc. I told her that it always seems that when I say white she says black and when I say black she says white. I feel she for some reason has to disagree with me. I been bringing this topic up a lot and recently she has been making a conscious effort to bite her tongue when I say something she does not agree with. It is great that she is trying, I just hope the her efforts to keep us happy are not creating more resentment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You are right on there, I have tried to include her in my band, she comes out sometimes, but does not enjoy the scene as much as myself. I would like her to be more involved in the business, but we don't see eye to eye on the decisions. I am a risk taker and she likes to play it safe. The business and the band are sources of income and both are very enjoyable to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
To complicate matters further, we have been talking a lot lately about her not agreeing with my views, arguing with me etc. I told her that it always seems that when I say white she says black and when I say black she says white. I feel she for some reason has to disagree with me. I been bringing this topic up a lot and recently she has been making a conscious effort to bite her tongue when I say something she does not agree with. It is great that she is trying, I just hope the her efforts to keep us happy are not creating more resentment.
What do you want from her, your marriage? What would you like your marriage to be like?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
That's a funny, she asked me the very same thing last night.

I guess I need to figure that out and write it down!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
373 Posts
Did everything really change in the last 2-3 years - like her opinions on politics, sports, money, etc? I just can't imagine that after 18-19 years, someone would do a complete 180 on everything. Are you sure that your opinions haven't changed, and hers have stayed the same?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
373 Posts
To complicate matters further, we have been talking a lot lately about her not agreeing with my views, arguing with me etc. I told her that it always seems that when I say white she says black and when I say black she says white. I feel she for some reason has to disagree with me. I been bringing this topic up a lot and recently she has been making a conscious effort to bite her tongue when I say something she does not agree with. It is great that she is trying, I just hope the her efforts to keep us happy are not creating more resentment.
Wow. That's like a gag order. If she disagrees, there's no reason not to voice her disagreement. Cutting you down is different - there's no need for that, but genuinely having a difference in opinion can turn out to be a good thing - you can sharpen each other (like iron sharpens iron). I have to say that my husband and I agree on a lot of things, but where we have different views, I will air mine. I don't tell him that he's 'wrong' but I will put up a fight for my pov. Her silence is not her agreement with you, btw. It's just her not speaking her disagreement and, yes, it will lead to resentment.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
253 Posts
Have you in your relationship been the "leader" in that your wife followed your lead in opinions and how your life is happening? Now you are involved in a rock band and from your own admission are a risk taker with your business. Maybe the shift in dynamic with those to things have made her change by interjecting her opinions. Read the book His Needs/Her Needs and these two things you bring to light may be very unsettling to her. Financial security is a woman's high priority, even if we work outside the home. I would not feel secure if my H was hanging out in clubs with a band. While I trust my H, I don't trust the skank that hang there. IMO these two items are big issues for her.

Thinking things are better because she is biting her tongue-you are delusional. She doesn't feel comfortable voicing her opinion=building resentment. Do you value her opinion, or are you upset that she doesn't agree with you? What type of things do you not agree on? You say it affects your everyday life, how?

You say that she has been supportive of your adventures. What would have happened if she told you in the beginning that she didn't like the band or the risky business? What would your reaction been?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
67 Posts
Whenever couples report a significant change in communication patterns, something has shifted. This is a very important time to get some significant marital therapy to process what used to work, as well as what has changed, and then see if effective communication can be restored.
In the Couples Survival Workbook, we examine both interactional dances that couples get caught in as well as how our beliefs about our partners can change, and if unchallenged, can cause significant problems.
David Olsen, PhD, LMFT
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top