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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I am in a 7 year marriage with one kid and another soon and we have dealt with some infidelity issues (me) and I was reading threads here for insight.

BUT it seems to me on this American site that a LOT of women are a little impractical and idealistic on these matters. Seems the advice is heavily divorce, don't trust, punish, etc even if the husband is mostly good. First off, keep in mind all affairs are not the same. Everyone is different, but generally speaking, men suffer more from lack of sex. Also, most men can separate sex from emotional matters very easily. If they are being otherwise attentive, not having an emotional affair, and not looking to devote effort to others outside of physical needs being met it is NOT necessarily the end of the world.

I will use myself as an example. I support my family fully (wife is stay at home mom with our one kid and expected kid). I work long hours, rebuild our home, do all our repair work (never hire anyone), do all our paperwork and bill paying, do much of the house cleaning (bathrooms, dishes, .... wife cooks mostly by pref), play hours every day with my son, stay up late to do more work .... Plus I care about my wife and son. BUT I do not do well with lack of sex. Since marriage, my wife rapidly lost interest in me in spite of the best of my efforts. She equates sex with precursors like an hour long massage, the right setting, and things like that which become hard to do with a young kid etc. I swear I do my best to please her (oral sex as much as she wants and the last reciprocal session focused on me was when married ... I kid you not blowjobs ended coincident with the ceremony and were frequent before) and she seems to enjoy things (I do not like faking) when they very infrequently happen. But she needs everything setup right. Yes, I told her several times I find all this problematic and asked for counseling. That got ignored but my first requests were not so forcefully stated since I want a willing partner and was trying to be very sensitive to whatever issue there is/was. Later, I was more emphatic and said I could not live like this and said we needed to change or divorce. She said that she did not want to split over it but was just not interested often physically. She has no health issues. By not interested, I mean for example, no sex for all pregnancy, plus more than one full year after. Then another interval (god knows why) of about one year before becoming pregnant after about 2 years of marriage. Now I am now on a 3rd 7 month streak of no sex due to her 2nd pregnancy which will continue a year or two given past patterns. Add to that numerous multi-month breaks of sex with no reason given and no attention paid to me (even in a non-physical sense). To make this all the more odd, I more or less met her on a sexual pick-up (can say this since it is anonymous here! ... but I NEVER remind her of this) while traveling and things were fine sexually right up to formal marriage. She never would say anything is wrong, wants no counseling, and has only given a slight clue to say one time she could become easily bored and never had a long boyfriend (never heard one word about other relationships though).

Obviously, we have communications issues. But as you might imagine, I could no longer take this and found another outlet for sanity sake while being careful with health (realize this is not fully possible). I am shocked we have a another kid due with this rate of sex but I guess we are obviously not infertile. She is a great mother to our son, and I think I do well taking care of things in our family (she does not multi-task well so I take care of much to free her up). I do not get much attention by any measure beyond sex though.

So, I eventually got caught with an affair which was purely sexual and I am now in big trouble for more or less damaging her security and sense of calm. I am labeled as being self-centered, a sex addict, etc now. I see similar thread here with guys getting in trouble for diversions. My advice to women here. Realize that men and women are not the same in sex. If you want to torture your man by lack of sex, realize it will eventually break most guys and they are wired by nature to look around. But if he strays in such a situation it does NOT necessarily mean he is looking to replace you, but rather could be trying to survive more or less. As an extensive traveler, my sense is women in many other parts of the world are more realistic on these matters. We in America seem to regard the genders as the same. That is likely not reality in most cases. Life is not a fairy tale from a to z. You have to balance the good with the bad and take proportional blame if you contribute to an untenable situation for your spouse.

Now I am sure I will be blasted endlessly for my transgression ...

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Appended in partial response to the large number of replies. Part of this is below in the commentary. But given the number, maybe it is useful to put here for those interested at the expense of making the original post longer.

First off, I did not mean this to become a commentary on my *own* predicament ... I think I am doomed regardless and I do not think my situation is so typical. My motivation for posting was I was browsing the site for insight on how various women think on infidelity due to my problem. I realize everyone has their own unique situation. BUT I saw more than a few comments which would read roughly, "my marriage was great and meeting all my needs, we have family, etc but I was not so into sex for a while and the bastard cheated (confessed or caught) and now I want to divorce and all is doom." The point I was wanting to make is that many men do not interpret straying the same and you should not necessarily blow things up if things are not otherwise that bad and it was a limited physical diversion. Every situation is, of course, also different.

It also seems many of the replies are much as I expected/feared though some seem surprisingly (thanks) balanced.

Many seem to put outlandish extrapolations on what I wrote based on what they (want?) to believe or simply ignore what I wrote or have a very low reading comprehension. Again, I don't think my situation is so typical, but I will describe a little more here in reply to some of the posts. This part below is edited/extended from a response I included in the thread:

Yes, I am sure the kid is mine due to attributes, timing of rare sex (trust me ... you can remember when sex occurs when it happens very rarely).

OF COURSE I TRIED TALKING TO HER early in this cycle. Long before she was pregnant with our first son. The issue escalated rapidly after marriage (she had to go on a trip after the ceremony and sex went from a few times a week to every other week then ramped down rapidly from there). I did not change or do things any differently. I do not stink, I pay attention to her, and try to provide for her needs in bed and outside. I asked what I was doing wrong, what she wanted, etc. I got essentially zero response. She did not want to talk to a counselor. When I got more frustrated and said I could not live like this she did not have much reply but would not say much or budge. She did not want a divorce and said clearly she wanted no other guys AND that she was content and happy. I made clear I was horribly stressed by it all to the extent of becoming physically sick. But no budge. You cannot imagine sleepless nights being attracted to your spouse next to you knowing nothing can happen. I do not sleep much normally (and she needs a lot ... this is part of the reason I help so much at home -- I have much more hours to do so. Again, I do not blame her for this ... I am a high energy guy. Our son is also very high energy and this may drain her more).

Her aversion to sex was exactly coincident with becoming married. I did not change, gain weight and/or get out of shape, shirk helping at home, or act differently and the rapidity of change on her part was dramatic (with no health issues). We were living together before, so it was really just a documentation change. I did not want to get married but she did, and when I finally agreed and she seemed overjoyed by it. I was more scared but I did not make any of that obvious (I think).

If we had a low sex rate when we were dating, I could understand opinions more on the infidelity aspect etc. But, frankly, I feel like I was manipulated. One should act similarly before and after being hitched not rapidly transition with no explanation. I am not property but a spouse and she did not want to divorce and would not show any continuity of physical interest in me.

I made clear that if we divorced that I would leave all assets and continue to support her. I don't feel this was malicious on her part, so I do not mind continuing support. Plus now that we have a kid and another coming I am fine with meeting obligations and want to. I am an academic type anyway, so I do not need a lot of money for myself and I always saved well etc. She is not a gold digger type.

I was raised, as perhaps some men are, to look for solutions rather than whine and complain and I hit my gripe limit. Granted, I should have complained more -- especially early. But she did not want to discuss it and I am not the nagging type. We get along well and do not otherwise argue. So there is a communication issue.

I said I was speaking in terms of general attributes of men and women and sex with men being wired for the need more so. Of course, I understand some women want lots of sex and some guys do not. But generally, it is more the other way and it is easy to see why in nature. When I was dating, my girlfriends always seemed much much more sex centric than I was. I only saw this other side after marriage. In fact, I often wondered why the extreme complaints by some guys. I was in for a very rude awakening. Though I figured things would calm down after marriage, I never thought marriage would mark a priest-like transition ... or I guess from the news media a lot of priests get more action than I do from my wife most years.

On my affair. After she did not want a divorce and would not budge I looked for a solution via an affair since I cannot live long term this way (the stress was getting to me and starting to cause my physical problems). I chose carefully and found a woman not seeking a stable of guys and met only minimally to keep from going nuts from lack of sex. The woman only wanted sex and was a case in point of a woman who was not getting enough. It was not easy to find this either since many guys look and more women looking appear to be looking for a more full (not just physical) replacement. We became friends, but not the least bit romantic. She was even giving me some useful advice on how to try and figure out what was bothering my wife and infant issues. So that was the closest to an emotional transgression in the thing was getting some woman's perspective advice on how to improve things and kid matters at home.

My wife is pregnant now and will not be interested in me for well over a year from present, more likely two years given trends. She does not appear to want to dump me in spite of catching the affair, though she is mad about it. Quite frankly, I did not try to hide it much since I figured if she wanted to find out she should. That she found out and how indicates she was worried about it ... which does surprise me somewhat.

To the woman who assert that I must put my wife in a bad light. I did not do so. All I said is the reality that she has next to no interest in me physically coincident with marriage. She is a good mother, we get along fine in other ways, and I pull my share at home as stated. Our son, by the way, is a VERY active kid so she is far from lazy just from keeping up with him most of the hours of the day. It dumbfounds me why some women must always think a guy is doing awful things at home to deserve being sex deprived. There is a spectrum of people/men. If you know a bad one, it does not mean all men share such attributes. Open your eyes and mind. I tend to think most people are not all good or all bad also ... one should not expect fairy tale bliss in life (which is part of my original point). I don't think my wife is purposefully trying to torture me either. She just changed and perhaps is not so good at seeing the impact on me of her lack of physical interest in me.

I have thought of asking for an open marriage, but I doubt that will go over well with my wife since she made clear she was not be interested in other guys. Frankly, I might feel a little odd with it also if she acted on it, since I am the physically rejected one and it would signal at least some sex interest on her part. Though in some respects, I would be curious to find out if something could work since then I could at least have hope of getting her interested in me because I DO try to cater to her desires and I do not press anything on her. (For example, when she stopped giving blowjobs immediately on marriage I never said a word and figured it was just something she did not like and continued long precursor massages and oral sex since she clearly likes both). I am not psychic and I need a clue if something is lacking. I try the best I can. But realistically, as a hard up guy, it is not easy when sex deprived to essentially do long massages on a wife you are attracted to, long foreplay, long oral sex, and then be an intercourse stud when starved by desire.

I get it fully that a woman will typically be devoted more to her kid(s) when young. I don't have issues with that. In fact, it became a little easier for me to deal with my wife's lack of physical interest in me after she became pregnant with our first son. What flipped me out more was the abrupt transition after marriage a few years before our first son.

Why is it so so common to be trigger happy on divorce over infidelity here? I presume people realize when you have a kid the kid does better with two parents working together and there is a larger obligation to your kid. Sure, I violated part of that with the affair. But it is also an attempt to survive on my part. I am not asexual and I did not in any way put myself in a situation where I would expect such to evolve. I also told her we should get divorced and she should find what she wants and she rejected that and said she wanted to remain married. Probably I should have said do your end or leave. But I also do not want a wife having sex just to appease me ... I want it to be mutual desire. If there is no desire, is it really that awful to find an outlet?
 

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Oddly I agree with the Blowjob comment.

I understand what your saying, but I think you need counseling with the wife to clear the air.

I agree you sometimes can't set up 2 hours of pre sex events.

But Adultery is just never a answer or excuse. plain and simple.

You can try to make points until the cows come home.

But Adultery is never, never, never the answer.

I would rather jerk off and have my wife catch me and say what am I doing and then me tell her you weren't talking care of it so I might as well.

Or just tell her, honey I am going to call this girl and go fvck her because you won't. Is that cool with you.

When she gets upset, you need to be straight faced. What ??? I've asked you for sex and you blew me off. Its okay if you don't like it. But I want some and I really, really want to do it with you. But it seems your not into it with me, so this girl is.
 

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Realize that men and women are not the same in sex. If you want to torture your man by lack of sex, realize it will eventually break most guys and they are wired by nature to look around.
You assume women can't have a desire equal to a man?

Sounds like you have given yourself a ticket to be a married bachelor.
 

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I've known for a very long time that there is a difference between men and women.

So, you need the diversion as you call it. Fair enough from your perspective.

From a woman's perspective, which you rightly point out is different, this is intolerable.

So, end of story for me. You want to do it. Many women won't tolerate it, not just in America. (I've traveled, too. Infidelity hurts in lots and lots of cultures.)

You have your male thing, we have our women thing.
 

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I've known for a very long time that there is a difference between men and women.

So, you need the diversion as you call it. Fair enough from your perspective.

From a woman's perspective, which you rightly point out is different, this is intolerable.

So, end of story for me. You want to do it. Many women won't tolerate it, not just in America. (I've traveled, too. Infidelity hurts in lots and lots of cultures.)

You have your male thing, we have our women thing.
But what do you suggest he do if she is in fact simply not interested in sex...BUT they both want to stay together for other reasons.....

In my opinion he should absolutely have talked it out with her to the max.....then they should have either...
(1) compromised on the sex frequency
(2) agreed to divorce
(3) agreed to an open marriage

Its not right for her to be able to control his sex life 100%...Im sure most agree....

But the answer is not going to be lying and cheating....its got to be in honestly and care for each other.

To me though, if SHE was in fact the actual reason for this sexless marriage that he describes..and she refuses to talk about it..then SHE is also cheating.
 

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Well cheating is a form of coping to him according to his post.

Its his opinion that its ok and its a reality of life.

Clearly it IS a reality of life....

Personally I think she is to blame as much as he is to blame.

A partner should know that depriving the other of intimacy is going to have consequences one way or another.

I think its not best FOR HIM though....as it does not resolve anything.

If she is really the way he describes though, she should agree to an open marriage or expect him to leave her (or cheat if he cant deal with the honesty).

Ugh
 

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Well cheating is a form of coping to him according to his post.

Its his opinion that its ok and its a reality of life.

Clearly it IS a reality of life....

Personally I think she is to blame as much as he is to blame.

A partner should know that depriving the other of intimacy is going to have consequences one way or another.

I think its not best FOR HIM though....as it does not resolve anything.

If she is really the way he describes though, she should agree to an open marriage or expect him to leave her (or cheat if he cant deal with the honesty).

Ugh
I think she is definitely to blame for her part. Cheating and lying isn't the answer, though. They either talk and try to work it out or they split up so he can find a woman who won't deprive him of sex.
 

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men suffer more from lack of sex.
Do tell, oh wise one!

BUT I do not do well with lack of sex.
Funny, neither do I! How many married people do you know of who ARE able to do well without sex? Especially so early on? :scratchhead:

Realize that men and women are not the same in sex.
Oh, I DO realize this! I want much more sex than my husband does!

What I got from your OP? A man who is trying as hard as he can to RATIONALIZE his affair. Like all WS, I suspect you have painted her in the worst possible light to gain sympathy for your plight. Yes, I agree, NO ONE should withhold sex from her, OR HIS, spouse. But no matter how much it is withheld, it doesn't give you license to cheat. If this was THAT bad for you, you owed it to her to tell her how you were feeling, what you had been contemplating, and see if you could figure things out between you. Instead, you chose to stick your d!ck in some other woman, potentially exposing our wife to STDs, and even potentially exposing YOUR UNBORN CHILD to STDs! So, yes, I do find your actions selfish. And yes, I absolutely believe that you are trying to rationalize your affair, to make yourself feel better. Sorry, you're not going to get sympathy from this WOMAN who is not getting as much sex (read that as I WANT MORE) as SHE wants from HER HUSBAND.
 

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I sort of understand what you are saying, however I still believe that this male double standart is just wrong. Firts, infidelity hurts period. We women don't choose to be hurt, it happens. Don't you men think if we could just choose not be hurt by cheating, we would? It'd be much easier.

Second women can separate sex from love too and you men know it, for several reasons, no matter how much you guys deny it. I'll list a few things that proof women can separate sex from love just like men:

1.In human history which gender used sex as a weapon and currency more than the other? Females, and men always talk about this, that we use sex to get what we want. So you men know that we women can see the HUGE difference between going to bed with someone for love or for any other reason.

2.When you men cheat you know that many times the mistress also is there just for the lust and sex, so you guys can realise that if these mistresses can separate sex from love so can your wives and gfs.

3.Women in open relationships are the living proof that they can have sex with other men and NOT give their hearts away to them. Just like their partners they have sex and then go home.

4. Sex workers such as prostitutes and porn actresses are also living proof that women can have sex and leave their hearts out of the equation.

Then I ask you guys, why is it that many men believe it's only their infidelities that don't have to mean the end of the world?

By what you described I can see why you became tempted but to say that male infidelity is not as bad as female infidelity is just something I will never really accept.

Only the person who feels tha pain can have enough authority to say whether it's real or not. If my heart is shattered for being cheating on there's not amount of male rationatilization that will change that.

In my opinion it would be the same thing if a woman turned to her partner and said:

"Honey you know I love you right? You know you're the love of my life, but...you are stinking poor..."

"So here's my plan, I'll marry this rich man I met at work so I can have the money and life style I want, but don't worry I'll keep you on the side as my lover."

"Win, win for everybody right?!"

"I mean you get the woman you want and I get the man I want plus the money I desire. And deep down you know I am only with the other man for money, so you know for a fact that when I sleep with him is only to keep him around and when I sleep with you is for love."

My point is, would you men accept that in order for the woman you love to have it all that your heart would have to be forever shattered in the process???

That's how I feel about the idea of a man trying to convience me that as long as he does not run away with any of the other women he sleeps with all is fine and well. My heart is the one feeling the pain and if I say it hurts like he**, then it hurts like he**, nothing that he says, and that makes sense in his head, will change that, ever.

Understanding that men can sleep with a thousand women but only give their hearts to one, is not the same as accepting it. You men say you want us women to understand that men can separate sex from love when in reality what you really want is for us to accept.

Just as deep down you all know that women can separate sex from love too, but you still reserve yourselves the right not to accept it.

You guys who think like that need to understand that we women feel the same way as you do and also reserve oursleves the same right.

BTW I am not saying this in anger or anything like that, I am only giving my two cents.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 · (Edited)
Original poster here again.

Seems many of the replies are much as I expected/feared though some seem surprisingly (thanks) balanced.

But some additional info:

1/ Yes, I am sure the kid is mine due to obvious attributes, timing of rare sex (trust me ... you can remember when sex occurs better if it happens very rarely). She stated clearly that she was not interested in other guys when I tried to discuss my abandonment.

2/ The avoidance of sex was exactly coincident with becoming married. I did not change, gain weight and/or get out of shape, shirk helping at home, or act differently and the rapidity of change on her part was dramatic (with no health issues). We were living together before, so it was really just a documentation change. If it was this way when we were dating, I could understand opinions more on the infidelity aspect etc. But, frankly, I feel like I was manipulated in this aspect at least. One should act similarly before and after being hitched.

3/ I said I talked to her about it a few times, got nowhere. I asked if she wanted to divorce and she did not. I made clear that I would leave all assets and continue to support her (I want to support my kids, and since I don't feel this was malicious on her part I do not mind continuing to support her too). I am more an academic type, so I do not need a lot of money for myself and I always saved well etc. She is not the type to do things she does not want, and I am not so pushy in spite of being painfully frustrated. Realize also men (at least how I was raised) tend to be trained to look for solutions rather than whine and complain and I hit my gripe limit. We get along well and do not otherwise argue. I am not the type that will bring things up over and over. She will not discuss things and would not go to counselor (afraid it would end up just me griping anyway and her getting embarrassed over it) ... so there is a communication issue.

4/ I said I was speaking in terms of general attributes of men and women and sex with men being wired for the need more so. Of course, I understand some women want lots of sex and some guys do not. But generally, it is more the other way and it is easy to see why in nature. When I was dating, my girlfriends always seemed much much more sex centric than I was. I only saw this other side after marriage. In fact, I often wondered why the extreme complaints by some guys. I was in for a very rude awakening. Though I figured things would calm down after marriage, I never thought marriage would be a priest-like transition ... or I guess from the news media a lot of priests get more action than I do from my wife most years.

5/ On finding an outlet. I am not an idiot. Of course I chose carefully and found someone not seeking a stable of guys and met only minimally to keep from going nuts from lack of sex. The woman only wanted sex and was a case in point of a woman who was not getting enough. We became friends, but not the least bit romantic. It was physical only ... at least from my perspective. My wife is pregnant now and will not be interested in me for well over a year from present (assuming she does not dump me ... which I suspect will be the case) so the exposure of the unborn child to all sorts of things is not relevant.

6/ To the woman who assumes I put my wife in a bad light. I did not do so. All I said is the reality that she has next to no interest in me physically coincident with marriage. She is a good mother, we get along fine in other ways, and I pull my share as stated. Our son, by the way, is a VERY active kid so she is far from lazy just from keeping up with him most of the hours of the day. It dumbfounds me why some women must always think a guy is doing awful things at home to deserve being sex deprived. There is a spectrum of people/men. If you know a bad one, it does not mean all men share such attributes. Open your eyes and mind. I tend to think most people are not all good or all bad also ... one should not expect fairy tale bliss in life. I don't think my wife is purposefully trying to torture me either. She just changed and perhaps is not so good at seeing the impact on me of her lack of physical interest in me.

7/ I have thought of asking for an open marriage, but I doubt that will go over well since she made clear she was not be interested in other guys. Frankly, I might feel a little odd with it also if she acted on it, since I am the physically rejected one and it would signal at least some sex interest on her part. But I think I could live with it from a fairness perspective. I just do not want to live like a monk.

8/ I get it fully that a woman will typically be devoted more to her kid(s) when young. I don't have issues with that. In fact, it became a little easier for me to deal with my wife's lack of physical interest in me after being pregnant with our first son. What flipped me out more was the abrupt transition after marriage a few years before our first son.

9/ Of course, I asked why she was not interested, what she wanted me to do, etc. It did not work. She did not want to discuss it other than the one obtuse comment on variety and never being in a long relationship before. She also said that she feels no need for sex and is happy. As I stated, I try the best I can whenever it happens and she appears to be having fun without faking. I focus on what she likes also and there is not much reciprocal attention on me. I would be mostly ok with that though if the frequency of sex were not so so low.

I did not mean this to become a commentary on my own predicament ... I think I am doomed regardless. My motivation for posting was the extreme comments from so many women I was seeing when interpreting male infidelity broadly. You in fact see a significant amount of that in the replies to my post. My advice is simply to realize that many men do not interpret straying the same and you should not necessarily blow things up if things are not otherwise that bad and it was a limited physical diversion. Every situation is, of course, also different.
 

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It seems that you have done very little in trying to find out why your wife changed and you're focused on your LACK of sex instead of her LACK of interest in sex with you. In fact, your post is all about your "needs". Did it occur to you that YOU might not be meeting HER needs? And if not, hence the lack of interst in meeting YOURS...

Did it ever occur to you that she may not be interested in having sex with someone who comes across as arrogant? Or who puts SO MUCH WEIGHT on it that it seems that there is little room for much else? I get the impression from you that you would be quite content if she just gave you blowjobs, kneeling in front of you while you were brushing your teeth!

You're putting so much blame on HER, yet you don't want to see what YOU might be doing to contribute to HER lack of interest. You've even written that SHE doesn't want a divorce as if because she doesn't want one, YOU can't get one. And that is so unfair.

If you blame her for this much, I can only imagine what else you blame her for.

You've mentioned that you have 'problems' communicating. Once again, do ya think that just MIGHT be part of your problem? Could it be that she may have lost interest because of HOW you communicate to her, or that you DON'T communicate to her?

Before you start attacking your wife, fix your own issues FIRST. That means setting your ego aside. Instead of thinking of yourself as a "great lover", ask yourself "AM I a great lover? Would my WIFE think I was a great lover?" And be prepared to hear the TRUTH.

I'm willling to bet that you'd be quite surprised...

Vega
 

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not_bubba,
Your OP is condescending in that is assumes that all, or most, women are like your wife and withhold sex from their husband. You also seem to make the assumption that the reason men cheat is because their wives withhold sex.
Your wife alone is responsible for her cold treatment of you. Personally I consider what she has done to be a form of very serious emotional abuse. I also consider adultery a form of serious emotional abuse.

Many men get as much sex at home but still cheat. Many women have libidos that match that of their husbands.

Women, who are not your wife, do not need you to come here and talk down to us. You have no idea what are lives are like, our husbands are like, our sex life, etc. And yet you have some ill need to teach us some lesson that in your mind excuses your infidelity.

Keep in mind that women cheat almost as often as men do. And once a betrayed spouse finds out about their spouses’ adultery, they are twice as likely to have a revenge affair. So while you are thumping your chest about how men need to cheat because all woman are like your wife, you better keep a close eye on her because she is very likely to have an affair of her own… if she is not already having one.

The fact that your wife does not like to have sex with you does not mean that she does not like sex. It means that she is not very into you. Something happened right after you married her that turned her off to you and she had not gotten over it.

We are not your wife. You are the one who picked her. You are the one who decided to stay with her even after she turned unisexual right after you married her. You stayed with her despite knowing that she was not a very sexual person. So you have yourself to blame. None of us here are responsible for this.
 

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Ask for an open marriage!
Maybe shes just not that into you!!
Maybe she's got a lover and is just with you for the stability.
However you dress it up, you're cheating, and it's wrong and you know it is because you wouldn't be here looking for validation otherwise!
 

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OP, maybe she has a problem -that is nothing to do with you- which, if you heard her tell you about it, would make you say: "Oh, my god! No wonder she doesn't want sex!"

You two need to talk. Seriously talk, perhaps with a counsellor.
 
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