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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Let's have a good discussion folks, just curious about your thoughts about something I'm looking at : Codependency
I'm going to see my wife and daughter in a few minutes, and if my wife wants she can tag along if she wants, if she does and if we do have time alone I'm thinking of bringing it up and discussing it with her.

We're still seperated but no longer heading for divorce - yet. We're in a position where we can finally reflect on our marriage and all the problems we had. One of them is this.

Links here:
Codependency - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Signs of a Codependent Relationship

What guys think about co-dependency?
 

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I know I have it and that it is different for each person who suffers it. I am in IC right now and I am reading the Codependent No More book. (Good one to read)

I think that there is a healthy level of codependency in a relationship because there is a need to not be, so independent. It is when it becomes unreasonably out of balance that it is a problem (unless you are a infant/child because they are dependent for good reasons).

If it were not for the book and IC (and even a few Alanon meetings, even though drinking is not his problem) I would still be so absorbed into my H that nothing of my self would exist.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
=O
Interesting book... hmmm

"Is someone else's problem your problem? If, like so many others, you've lost sight of your own life in the drama of tending to someone else's, you may be codependent--and you may find yourself in this book."

Actually this looks like a good read, it's directly applicable. Thanks for that
 

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I just think I need to make an appearance here!
look in the dictionary under co-dependency, you will see my picture.
But I make up for it by being passive agressive. :D
 

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I am certainly co dependent. I started another thread a few weeks ago about this exact topic. I justify my situation it in my mind as my wife is not well physically and I tell myself that I am "good caregiver".

Darlene did comment on my thread and confirmed that I was definitely co dependent.

I started to read "no more Mr. Nice Guy", but so far I don't find a lot of it applies to my life. I am only in the beginning of the book and he is talking about why men get this way. Not a lot of it applies to my childhood. Maybe the rest of the book will be helpful as it starts to deal with correcting this issue.

I look forward to following this thread and sharing more of my experience.

(I don't know how to link my thread to this one, but it is titled Caregiver or enabler/co dependent?)
 

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I've read codependant no more twice.

Randomdude, the point of the book is that you are responsible for taking care of yourself, and no one else.

Is that REALLY a message you are willing to receive right now?????? :scratchhead:
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I'm too attached at the moment to my wife's issues when it's not my domain, I need to detach without being an a$$... so yes
 

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I think it’s a seriously tough call. My wife had a few issues, mainly to do with avoidant behaviour, denial and passive aggression. Since we’ve been separate I add massively big time deceit to the list. I spent what feels like eons trying to get her to change her behaviour because of the seriously negative affect it had on me and consequently our marriage. It did go on for a very long time. I stayed because I loved her and she had many fine qualities, some of which I aspire to for myself.

But she’d never ever change, find better ways of doing things. Things came to a head when she’d seriously wounded me yet again and so I found myself some boundaries and enforced them. In a nice way but rigidly and uncompromisingly.

She more or less “walked”, typical of her avoidant behaviour. It’s what she used to do, stonewall and deny whenever there was an issue between us I wanted to resolve.

But blow me a few days later she came back again, all dressed up and looking very desirable. Right up until this time we’d have had make up sex. But I didn’t go there because although while very enjoyable it never actually fixed the problems between us. So I repeated my boundaries. She blew up in my face such that I just couldn’t see her on her way quick enough in order to defend myself from being wounded by her yet again.

It’s really tough stuff this, evolving from a codependent and into an independent. Sometimes we have to let go of the woman we seriously love in order to grow and have, hopefully a better life without them.

I don’t think it possible to cease to be a codependent while married to the person you’re codependent with. Unless of course they are willing to seek help and change and the couple work on their relationship together as a team, helping one another grow. Which to me is part of what I understand marriage to be about, most especially when you’ve married your opposite.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Sheez AFEH... I guess I'm lucky in that sense, my wife has so far shown remorse and the desire to change. She has yet to manipulate me using her body which is normally her style as well, and so far has done everything right. I'm trying to do right by her as well, but at the same time it's obvious I need to be able to detach from this and let her run her program. I need to find a way where I can still support her without getting involved.
 

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Sheez AFEH... I guess I'm lucky in that sense, my wife has so far shown remorse and the desire to change. She has yet to manipulate me using her body which is normally her style as well, and so far has done everything right. I'm trying to do right by her as well, but at the same time it's obvious I need to be able to detach from this and let her run her program. I need to find a way where I can still support her without getting involved.
It is a hard thing to do. At first I did not like the word "Detach" it seemed such a cold, uncaring word to me. I am becoming friends with it slowly.

I support my H with encouraging words and not trying to "control" everything in HIS life. What he does to work on him is HIS and I have to be hands off. I am becoming more assertive in conversation and not so focused on him, that I CAN focus on me. It is a good feeling although self awareness kind of sucks ;)
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
How you do it? Hell maybe I should just start reading lol, which book? Now I have two options... the one you recommended and another for dummies heh
 

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I say get both. Really, pick up as many as you can and pick the one that speaks to you. I am reading "Codependent No More" because it has a companion work book (same name) which is good for me because I need something to work to keep motivated.
I'm also in IC which helps too because she gives me, what I have named "home work", it is things that I do between visits then report back to her about them as well as the talking with objective person helps.
I actually complement my H and use words of affirmation for all the positive changes I see in him, especially when the changes have been a struggle for him, so I also point out in an appreciating tone, how it has improved things for us as a family.
For me, detaching is the act of letting go when I feel like I need to control something that is not with in my control, or hands off, as in I care but I am not going to loose my peace over it, because I can not let his actions take that from me anymore.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Compliments... yeah I guess I can do that, I don't have to be involved but at the same time I'm still supporting her. I wonder why Mrs. Lancer did not accept my invitation however, would be a good opportunity to sell her book in my opinion!
 

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Sheez AFEH... I guess I'm lucky in that sense, my wife has so far shown remorse and the desire to change. She has yet to manipulate me using her body which is normally her style as well, and so far has done everything right. I'm trying to do right by her as well, but at the same time it's obvious I need to be able to detach from this and let her run her program. I need to find a way where I can still support her without getting involved.
Personally I think you’re on the right track and going about things in the right way.

Basically there’s two things going on (1) your individual characters and (2) the dynamics generated between your characters.

Your wife’s changes will undoubtedly change the dynamics between the two of you. So you will be interacting with a different person.


It will take you a while to not only “see” your wife’s changes but also to respond to her in new and different ways.

And this is where you need to be Mindful. Instead of your normal almost knee jerk reactions (even to just being in your wife’s company/presence) you need to be very Mindful and Aware of how you are “reacting”. Again Awareness will help you with this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Personally I think you’re on the right track and going about things in the right way.

Basically there’s two things going on (1) your individual characters and (2) the dynamics generated between your characters.

Your wife’s changes will undoubtedly change the dynamics between the two of you. So you will be interacting with a different person.

It will take you a while to not only “see” your wife’s changes but also to respond to her in new and different ways.

And this is where you need to be Mindful. Instead of your normal almost knee jerk reactions (even to just being in your wife’s company/presence) you need to be very Mindful and Aware of how you are “reacting”. Again Awareness will help you with this.
Alright, guess you convinced me. I'll finish the book, it's just hard to digest and implement it into one's natural responses. Like, I can read one chapter and go "yeah that's a good way to see it", but I'm a LONG way from that point to full awareness. Maybe I should just focus on finishing though yes?

How long did it take you to fully understand the book?
 

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It is a hard thing to do. At first I did not like the word "Detach" it seemed such a cold, uncaring word to me. I am becoming friends with it slowly.

I support my H with encouraging words and not trying to "control" everything in HIS life. What he does to work on him is HIS and I have to be hands off. I am becoming more assertive in conversation and not so focused on him, that I CAN focus on me. It is a good feeling although self awareness kind of sucks ;)
This is the stage I’m at. Now my attention is quite a bit away from my wife’s behaviour, I’m having epiphany moments wrt my own behaviour over the past 4 decades.

In some ways my Shadow is slowly being revealed to me and it’s not at all nice. I think overall it’s good to do this stuff as it’s said our best self improvement work is done by working on the contents our Shadow.
 

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Alright, guess you convinced me. I'll finish the book, it's just hard to digest and implement it into one's natural responses. Like, I can read one chapter and go "yeah that's a good way to see it", but I'm a LONG way from that point to full awareness. Maybe I should just focus on finishing though yes?

How long did it take you to fully understand the book?
If you had full Awareness you'd be a Buddhist Monk, yet even the most learned will tell you it's a never ending journey.


One exercise is to keep your mouth closed and a small smile on your face next time you say see your wife. And just observe. Your eyes should open up and you should become more Aware. You are not looking to interact, not waiting to get your words in, not thinking what to say next. All you are doing is observing. You can try it out on your employees as well.

You know it's working when someone comments how much you've changed!
 
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