[cabal2000]

Several times now me and 35+ year old my wife have argued about going to dance clubs with just the girls. I don't like her going out to dance clubs because of all the bad drunken crap that goes on, she knows this and its the only thing in this marriage that I ask for.
This weekend her and several girlfriends went out of town shopping, I have no problem with this all at. Sunday I was looking through my Facebook and seen that she went out to a dance club. Nothing was said to me. No facebook mgs, no text and no phone call. Trust is a big thing in every relationship but is this not a big trust issue. Knowing that I did not want this she did it anyway and behind my back.
I confronted her but its now again my fault.
What do I do?

 

[underwater2010]

So what exactly has she done in the past to prove you cannot trust her?

 

[Hicks]

I agree. The purpose of a dance club is for men to sexually pursue women.

 

[the guy]

This kind of crap leads to infidelity, so protect your marriage by letting your wife know that you will not control her and she can do what she wants from now on, the only thing is you will not wait around for the train wreck to happen.

You will not control her but you will emotionaly protect your self by letting her go and finding someone else that respects the protection you have to offer.

It will always be her choice to stay married to you or choose her toxic friends that continue to influence the dynamics of the marriage for the worse not for the better.

Just like with anything with out consequence the behavior will continue.

Ask her to leave and if she does you consider this abandonment and will treat it as such....its tough to show this tough love cuz thru this power struggle she will push and push, while you push and push by cutting her finacially and preparing your self for divorce.


Sure this sound over the top but in my experience I can tell you with all my being that her behavior will lead to cheating if it hasn't already.

I bet if you planted a voice activated recorder in her car and listen to the disrespect she has for you, you will find it a little easier to take this tough love approach I talk about.


Don't for get the velcro tape so the recorder doesn't slide out from under the car seat.

 

[underwater2010]

I agree. The purpose of a dance club is for men to sexually pursue women.

Not true. A lot of us like to go out and blow off steam...think of it as golfing for men. My husband does not dance and I love to. Also he hates club music. That being said...it takes a woman with moral character not to interact when men/boys step up on them.

 

[cabal2000]

I have never spoken to her about this because I know the outcome of it. Several years back at a company christmas party she started flirting with a co worker of mine while she was pretty drunk on wine, saying stuff about how good looking he was etc... it got worst then that and i was sitting right next to her. It got to the point that people were getting uncomfortable about the whole thing, to the point that I had to take bring her home. I was very embarrassed!! But I never bring it up because it would be down played by her and my feelings about the whole thing would be brushed under the carpet, which is what happened again yesterday when I spoke to her about what happened about the dance club thing.

 

[A Bit Much]

I don't like her going out to dance clubs because of all the bad drunken crap that goes on, she knows this and its the only thing in this marriage that I ask for.

I confronted her but its now again my fault

If the worst it's going to get is a fight with you, then I don't see her stopping anything.

Better to ask forgiveness than permission. I'm sure she's got that tattooed somewhere.

 

[the guy]

Dude the xmas party is an perfect examble of the lack of boundries and disrespect she has for you....no wonder you are concerned.

Even though underwater2010 has a good point, in this case I see no moral accountablity and a huge degree of lack of respect. This is one huge red flag and I think she is getting more then attention when she is at these clubs.


Its time to go all James Bond on her and investigate this behavior, finding a smoking gun will be your best shot in confronting her with undeniable proof that she is not just dancing.

Trust your gut and intution something is going on!

Get the keylogger, VAR, check her phone, and if you got the dough hire a PI.

Here secret out of town trip is another huge red flag.

 

[underwater2010]

I have never spoken to her about this because I know the outcome of it. Several years back at a company christmas party she started flirting with a co worker of mine while she was pretty drunk on wine, saying stuff about how good looking he was etc... it got worst then that and i was sitting right next to her. It got to the point that people were getting uncomfortable about the whole thing, to the point that I had to take bring her home. I was very reimbursed!! But I never bring it up because it would be down played by her and my feelings about the whole thing would be brushed under the carpet, which is what happened again yesterday when I spoke to her about what happened about the dance club thing.

So it is not so much the dancing that bothers you, it is that she cannot control herself when she is intoxicated.

 

[underwater2010]

That is the point you need to bring up to her. Also, if I knew it bothered my husband for me to go out with the girls. I would not. In fact I always text to make sure he has no plans before I decide wether or not to hang with the girls.

 

[the guy]

Again this may seem so over the top, but I have been here long enough to see this same story time and again, and it always turns out the same;

Husband looks at wife text, husband finds text from unknown male friend, unknown male friend turn out to be wife lover.....Sme sh!t different day.

Do your self a favor and prove me wrong by quitely looking into your wifes activities.

 

[the guy]

That is the point you need to bring up to her. Also, if I knew it bothered my husband for me to go out with the girls. I would not. In fact I always text to make sure he has no plans before I decide wether or not to hang with the girls.

I feel this issue has been going on for a long time, its time to take action and look for proof that validates OP concerns and has the smoking gun that WW can't deny but face and make a choice stay married and do the heavy lifting to regain trust or get kicked to the curb.

 

[daisygirl 41]

So it is not so much the dancing that bothers you, it is that she cannot control herself when she is intoxicated.

That's more like it!
I understand this is a touchy subject for a lot of men but underwater does have a point. I can't see how going dancing once a year is wrong, it's the fact that your wife is untrustworthy, that's the problem, and she has proved this again by not telling you she has been clubbing. You need to tell her the exact reason why or your resentment will grow and fester!
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[NewM]

How about you stop being doormat and not let her downplay anything that you think is important?

 

[Enginerd]

Not true. A lot of us like to go out and blow off steam...think of it as golfing for men. My husband does not dance and I love to. Also he hates club music. That being said...it takes a woman with moral character not to interact when men/boys step up on them.

Golfing vs. Clubbing. Very bad analogy. Guys aren't getting hit on when they're on the golf course. A better analogy is Clubbing vs. Strip Club. As long as you're ok with your man doing that then your not a total hipocrate. By the way a woman with moral character would not even want to go clubbing to blow off steam because she would not care about random guys pursuing her. She would not need to have her ego stroked that way.

 

[underwater2010]

Looking back through the post, I should have caught on that you keep claiming issues with the "drunkness". Sorry that it took me that long. Please, please talk with her about the issues. Do not make it about disobeying you, rather about lack of communication and lying by ommision. Then talk about her past drunken behavior and how it effects your ability to trust she would do the right thing in the same situations.

 

[the guy]

I bet OP has been getting the whole nine yards from his WW.

"your crazy" "your controlling" "your insecure" "I'll do what I want" and even "stop invading my privacy"

Once OP get the smoking gun he will then get the "we are just friends" and the "I love you but I'm not in love with you"

Thats the thing about finding that proof she is stepped out of the marriage, it makes both of them face the real issue of not just going to clubs but the cheating that is really occuring.

 

[underwater2010]

Golfing vs. Clubbing. Very bad analogy. Guys aren't getting hit on when they're on the golf course. A better analogy is Clubbing vs. Strip Club. As long as you're ok with your man doing that then your not a total hipocrate. By the way a woman with moral character would not even want to go clubbing to blow off steam because she would not care about random guys pursuing her. She would not need to have her ego stroked that way.

I beg your pardon. I do not go clubbing to hook up with random men. I go to dance and hang out with my girl friends and yes we do get our drink on just as men do on the golf course. There is not ego stroking on my part or on part of others. The only opinion that matters to me is my husbands.

I have plenty of moral character. Hell I am not the one that cheated in our relationship. I don't talk with exs and I always bring up my kids and husband when being hit on.

 

[the guy]

That's more like it!
I understand this is a touchy subject for a lot of men but underwater does have a point. I can't see how going dancing once a year is wrong, it's the fact that your wife is untrustworthy, that's the problem, and she has proved this again by not telling you she has been clubbing. You need to tell her the exact reason why or your resentment will grow and fester!
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Talk is cheap....I think he needs to show her why he resents her clubbing by showing her the proof she is messing around.

Come on I bet they have talked about this time and again and it has gotten no were. Face it OP can't compete with all her boyfriends.

I think she need to see why OP has concerns by showing her the inappropriate texting and the disrespect heard on the VAR recordings.

 

[tom67]

She has lost all respect for you speak up for yourself man!
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