[Moveupandon]

My first post here, although have read a lot of posts...

A few months ago I found my husband was in an EA with another woman. She was "just a friend" but had been very unhappy, was getting divorced, was diagnosed with a mental illness and tried to commit suicide. They met last year and started chatting, then flirting a bit and then her world fell apart. He says he tried to help her, she was so unhappy, had no one in her life etc etc.

He says he had no sexual feelings or interest in her what so ever (and I believe him) but felt sorry for her because she had no one, an abusive family etc. Initially he was flattered by her attention (and I wasn't giving it to him at the time, something we have worked on) and it was a good ego boost. Then her world fell apart and he was her "agony aunt" and they would spend HOURS on the phone to each other, in which he said she would just go on and on about her problems, and she would text him, 100's of time a day. She started to get more sexual towards him, sending him songs about love, telling him she wanted to make love to him etc, although he never reciprocated.

I found out after being suspicious about the amount of time he was on his phone and freaked. He stopped contact with her, and a few days later she phoned him hysterical with a whole story about this and that. He told her that this was f.... up his marriage, was too intense and he couldn't do it anymore. She cried and hysterically told him that she didn't want to be the reason for a marriage to break up, but she had no one else in her life, her therapist had told her she was destined to be alone etc etc. He finally hung up the phone, sent her a text saying that this was not a friendship, it was too intense and that he wouldn't contact her again.

He has been completely true to his word, despite her trying NUMEROUS times to contact him, both in person, via text, social media and through a third party. When he did see her in person he told her to "go away, I have nothing to say to you". The second time we were all at the same place, we both ignored her completely and though she made no attempt to talk to either of us, she did make sure she was in the same "vicinity" as I was.

In the last few months he has bent over backwards to make it up to me, for us to get closer, we have worked on the bad parts of our marriage, why he was unhappy, why I was unhappy and our relationship is good, in a good place and we are so open, talk to each other about anything. He has numerous times told me how stupid he feels, how embarrassed he is, that he didn't realize what an EA even was, how his greatest regret is talking to her in the first place. He says he has learned so much - and tries so hard.

All I want, is to put this behind me, and move on.

But I can't stop obsessing over the OW. I check her FB status, think about her, make up conversations we might have, haven't had. All sorts of really stupid things. I even try to come up with ways to be in the same place as her so I can see how she is doing, although never act on these. I'm embarrassed to even admit it.

How do I get closure, make her a non-entity in my life, totally unimportant and not care anything about her?

 

[Almostrecovered]

All I want, is to put this behind me, and move on.

to be honest, doing just that is not good for you, you need to face this infidelity head on. Despite the lack of sexual attraction, your husband was devoting oodles of attention and energy on OW that he should have be spending on you, his wife.

I highly recommend you AND your husband read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

next aside from keeping NC in place, be sure that your husband is completely transparent (allows you access to all emails, social sites, passwords, phone, etc), and starts demonstrating remorse (see the chart in the newbie link in my signature). Finally, spend at least 10-15 hours a week of alone time with each other (no kids and no TV).

This will take time to heal, don't sweep this under the rug. The stronger you rebond with your husband and the more he regains your trust, the less you will obsess over OW.

 

[Moveupandon]

I have read the Shirely Glass, it was very helpful. He is compltely transparent - he deleted EVERYBODY on his FB page and most of the people on his BBM in any case and I can look at his email, phone, computer, call logs anytime I want. I've almost got bored of looking really, because there is ZERO going on.

ETA to say we have spent HOURS and HOURS talking about this, talking about our relationship. For months now. I have no more questions, I have nothing more I want to talk to him about it.

Thats why I feel so at a loss about how to move on.

 

[Moveupandon]

Okay, I have read the NC contract and yes, we haven't actually addressed that fully. I do that think that is a problem.

 

[Almostrecovered]

it'll come eventually, it's not just a snap of the fingers and it all goes away

healing is far from linear, you'll have two good days, one bad day, then a good day, another bad day etc. In time you slowly get better, less paranoid and obsessive, more secure, etc.

from 7-10 months post dday for me I would say I was the most paranoid I was during the whole process including just after Dday. In essence since I was starting to retrust her and my marriage was getting better, in many ways I was even more scared of losing it since the reality of her cheating again was a very real possibility. In some ways I felt I had more to lose, thus the paranoia/obsessions were really strong.

 

[Almostrecovered]

Okay, I have read the NC contract and yes, we haven't actually addressed that fully. I do that think that is a problem.

then address it

no one gives us manuals on how to deal with this, so most of us fly blind and will miss some things. Going back to redress an old wound is often necessary.

 

[Moveupandon]

I often wonder to myself, was it really an affair if there was no love, no sexual attachment, just a friend he felt sorry for and was trying to help.

?

 

[Almostrecovered]

I often wonder to myself, was it really an affair if there was no love, no sexual attachment, just a friend he felt sorry for and was trying to help.

?

if you read NJF, then I wonder why you are asking yourself that

There are certainly different levels of betrayal and while your husband didn't profess love or had sexual chat with her, he most definitely crossed way too many boundaries.

Consider yourself lucky that it was stopped before that stuff did happen as it was on track and raring to go there.

 

[Moveupandon]

Yes indeed.

Is it worth sending a NC now, at such a late stage? I don't want the OW to even know that we think about her or talk about her, let alone enough to sit and write a letter.

 

[Almostrecovered]

well, the NC letter in many respects is more for your husband and you than the OW

if she has ceased trying to contact him then I could see letting it go, but if she is continually trying to contact him then sending it will also help protect you legally

 

[Sestina]

it'll come eventually, it's not just a snap of the fingers and it all goes away

healing is far from linear, you'll have two good days, one bad day, then a good day, another bad day etc. In time you slowly get better, less paranoid and obsessive, more secure, etc.

from 7-10 months post dday for me I would say I was the most paranoid I was during the whole process including just after Dday. In essence since I was starting to retrust her and my marriage was getting better, in many ways I was even more scared of losing it since the reality of her cheating again was a very real possibility. In some ways I felt I had more to lose, thus the paranoia/obsessions were really strong.

Just wanted to say I really appreciate your last paragraph. I'm just shy of two weeks past DD and every day has been a roller coaster of the most intense feelings of grief, rage, anxiety, depression I have ever had. And under it all is the paranoia and obsessive thinking. I keep wondering how long it will last (I know everyone is different).