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Hello, I am new to the site. I have read several threads and very much liked the responses given, and I thought it would be worth a shot to get some advice, because I am beginning to lose my mind. I want to give as many details as possible so you understand the situation. Please bare with me, its a long story.


To start off, I am 26 (today is my b-day!) going thru a separation/divorce with my wife of 7 years, married for 2. I fell out of love with her about a year ago but decided to stick around to make it work for the step kids(and then the baby on the way). However before leaving my wife, I started a job back in August and met a wonderful woman who is 28(Whom I will call BFF). At the time I did not have an instant attraction to BFF, but over the course of 3 months we began to speak more and more about our personal lives.

Then in early November, BFF's boyfriend of 3 years left her. She confided in me a lot of her problems, because she knew I was going thru a rough marriage. We began to get really close as friends, and starting in December, we began to hang out after work and have a few drinks to talk about our growing up and past. She told me things she claims even her closest friends did not know, and I did the same.

Near Christmas, my wife told me to take my things and leave, so I moved out. Few days later, we had a Christmas party for work, and all the employees met at the bar for drinks. We all get pretty hammered, and I ended up txting BFF that I had feelings for her that started back when her boyfriend left. The next day BFF informed me she did not have feelings for me, but would gladly continue to be my friend.

So January rolls around, and BFF begins to invite me out to drink with other friends. While BFF was not around, her friend stated BFF mentioned me once, stating BFF wished I was single because she really liked me. One night I drove her home, and she offers to let me stay at her place. I decide it was a good idea considering we had a work meeting in the morning. She then offers to snuggle and sleep in her bed. I was very hesitant, and by the time I decided I would sleep in bed with her, she took the offer off the table. I slept on the couch. The next few weeks go by, and my Wife begins harassing BFF on facebook calling her a home wrecker and begins to spread rumors that BFF and I were sleeping together thru my workplace (thru mutual friends), which was not true. BFF had been meeting people thru online dating, and I encouraged it, because she stated she would never be with me, because I was married, and was equal height, not taller than her.

February begins, and BFF is struggling with bills. I needed a place to live. She joked around about letting me move in, because everyone assumed we were sleeping together anyway. I stated it would be a good idea. A week later, BFF offers me to move into the loft upstairs. I agree, and move in the next day. Everything was good, we hung out often, and began to call each other bestie's. On valentine's day, BFF goes on a date. The date goes bad, and she stated she can't be with guys like this one because he is clingy. A week later, I txt BFF while she was at work, stating that I think she is gorgeous. She then offers me to go out drinking, and to meet her at the bar. I show up, and we have a great evening. BFF and I return home pretty drunk, and she offers to play a strip card game. Needless to say, it led to sleeping together. She made it clear that it could continue to happen, as long as it remained friends with benefits. I had feelings for her, but I agreed to keep it FWB anyway. I had never been in a FWB situation before.

For the first few weeks, BFF would have sex with me in my bed, and then sleep in her own bed. She stated she would only have sex with me in my bed, because she didn't allow men in her bed. However, we would go to movies once in a while. We would take turns buying each other lunch, and go drinking couple times a week. We were having sex 3-4 times a week. About halfway thru march, we became very, very close. I gave her sensual massages, kissing started happening while having sex, and we sometimes had sex in the afternoon which was not normal for us. One day mid March, I decide to get a puppy. Well her dog loved me already, and she had been saying for a few months she wanted another dog. Well she absolutely was cool about it, and fell in love with him. Then she decided a week later, to take the puppy to see her parents, and set up a dinner date at her parents house and invited me and the puppy. It went very well, and since then her parents have always really liked me. When we returned home, before getting out of the car, she leaned over and began to kiss me passionately. I was beginning to feel like it was beyond FWB...

Withing the next 4 weeks, we began to have passionate sex, make out watching TV, and I was evening sleeping in her bed on occasion. We even got to the point were we were making out in public, which I didn't even do with my wife. And after a month of beginning to feel like a relationship, in April, BFF didn't want to sleep with me as often, and I began to get clingy, and began to get a little angry and "make her feel like crap", as she put it. She would sleep with me 3-5 days in a row, with or without sex, and then the first night she would sleep alone, I returned to being a A-hole and made her feel like crap all over. It continued to happen for a while. She just stood by her ground of "this is why I'm single, I like to have my alone time." One evening BFF came home from going out. Came to my room and got into bed with me. I asked what she had been drinking, because it didn't smell like the usual. She then assumed I was accusing her of something, and she stated she was giving oral to someone. I stated I did not accuse her of anything. I told her I would never, because I loved her. That was my big mistake in my opinion. She got flustered, and went to her room to sleep.

Beginning of May, I began to fall apart, and my emotions got the better of me. I wanted more than friends with benefits, but she said she didn't see us becoming more. I stated I felt like there was something there between us, and she said she only saw it for a "minute", but then it was gone. She then stated she was tired of talking about my feelings towards her, because it made her uncomfortable. She said we were thru sleeping together and having sex. Well a week later, she changed her mind and slept with me and had sex for a couple nights. Or I would massage her, and it would lead to sex. Then when it came time to sleep alone again, I fell back into the habit of treating her poorly. I decided to change jobs, so we didn't see each other as much. While waiting to start at my new job, I decided to take a small vacation to get away, and went out of town for 5 days. Well before I even left, she txted me and said she already missed me. I left town, and BFF txted me frequently. I even asked for her to send me a pic of her one night because I missed her, and she did. Was very unlike her. She even called me one night just to get stress off her chest from work, and we talked for an hour. We never had phone conversations prior to that.

Well I returned home at about midnight 4 days later, a day early. She waited up for me, because she knew I would be home early. When I got home, she encouraged me to go take a shower and we would hang out in my room. When I took the shower, and got out, she had wrote I <3 U on the mirror, so when it was fogged up I could see it. I then came out of the bathroom and stated I heart you too. And she said, "oh my god, I meant to erase that. I wrote that to myself, and you came home early before I could erase it." I let it go, because it probably was true. We then went and hung out in my room, which led to a massage, and had what she called "welcome back sex." We then were in the friends with benefits phase again for about 2 weeks, until I started being clingy again. She would tell me to leave her alone after arguing, and I would follow her downstairs apologizing for my actions, but it just made her more upset. She always stated she just wanted time to be alone and deal with it.

We then would only sleep together like once a week. When we would go out to drink, and I got tipsy, I would start talking about a relationship and why she didn't want to. Most the time it ended in us arguing and her being pissed. Yet few nights later, she would be back in my bed having passionate sex after asking for massages or strip card game(that was our thing).

June rolled around, and she began talking to a guy via txt pretty frequently. Even while hanging out with me, she was constantly txting. She said she didn't see anything going anywhere with him. The txting with him has gone on from then until still today. However she did stop sleeping with me as often. Well at the same time, I was becoming friends with another girl from work, who I honestly had no interest in. Well when this girl began to bring me lasagna for dinner to work, it made BFF very jealous, and she began to have sex with me again. Even stating mid sex, "This is better than her lasagna right?" Well a few weeks later, the coworker quit and I rarely have spoken to her since. And then when I asked about a relationship with BFF again, she decided it was time we called it quits.

Week later, you guessed it, she was back in bed with me. And then she slept with me 4 more nights in a row without sex, just cuddling. Well then the 5th night she chose to sleep alone, and I went off. I might have been drunk and said things I didn't mean, but I hurt her feelings, and she lashed out and said I'm making it hard to be her friend anymore. We then were just friends and I stopped being flirty, and making attempts at her. We said no more sleeping together, so i took it seriously. Until one day, I wrote her a love letter. Explaining how much i adore her personality, looks, and overall who she is. I asked if she ever gave me the chance, I would not let her down. To this day, that letter is in her nightstand next to her bed. Along with a few other cards I got her thru the last 6 months. (I don't know if that means anything) I sought advice from a few friends, and they stated if I wanted to get close to her again, to make her come after me. I don't understand how to do that, but they just said don't txt her first. I've tried not txting first anymore so she thinks about me first, but she had somebody else occupying her time, so I don't think it matters anymore.

BFF and I had a 4th of July party at her parents, and then came home drunk together. She said she wanted to sleep in my bed because hers wasn't made. I should have said no, but I love her. So we get into bed, and she says "no cuddling." I said "well there is a couch down stairs" really snappy. She then said "that's it, i'm sleeping alone" and stormed off downstairs. I followed her, which she had told me time and time again not to do. We then got into a argument, and I pretty much let go of my feelings, and became a bawl baby. She then said she had enough, and told me to call my mother to get me, because i was too drunk to drive. But i could not stay there anymore, and i needed to move out. BFF took my house keys, and sent me away. Well my mother decided to come inside to see what was happening, because i was a mess. My mother says she asked BFF if she was 100% certain she had no feelings for me. BFF stated "I love him, he has become one of my closest friends." Which I still don't know how to take. BFF sends clothes with me to my mothers, and i slept it off.

Next morning, i find she put my house keys in the bag of clothes. She txts me later in the morning and asks if i found the keys. I said yes. She asked if I decided what i was going to do. I said I wanted to talk with her about it in the evening. So that night, we have a discussion. She stated that we no longer will ever sleep together. And that i have her so stressed out, if i choose to stay, she didn't want to speak with me or hang out for a couple weeks to get her head straight. I said that's fine. I want to stay her and remain friends. So i left to my parents to not be a burden for the evening. 5 hours later, she was txting me, and the next afternoon she took me to lunch. We were right back to friends again.

The next weekend, we got drunk in the backyard doing a bonfire alone. We ended up in the pool, and got passionate. She began to make out with me, which was the first time in months. She stated she missed "this" and wanted it to happen as long as I didn't get "weird". I said I missed it too, and I wouldn't allow it to happen again. She said her ex messed with her head, and she wasn't ready for anything more. I stated I don't think I'm ready for a relationship either, but I still want what we have We took it to my room, and had a great night. The next morning we had sober sex, and she called me baby during, which she had never done.

Few days later, I catch her lying in her bed complaining about being sore. I massage her back, and then neck. I began to kiss her neck, and she smiled and said "I don't know what i'm going to do with you". She then put her arm around me and began running her fingers thru my hair. Next day tho. She decided to go hang out with the guy she had been txting for the first time. Few days later, i ask if she wanted to get a massage, because i missed touching her, and she stated she couldn't do that anymore because she was pursuing something else. I felt beat... I said i'm glad you found someone to go after, i wish you nothing but happiness, and remember Ill always be here for you because you're my best friend, just ask. She said thank you. She never stopped txting him, from early June until now. All day long, they just txt back and forth. She hardly even txts me anymore. I am beginning to feel like she is pushing me away.

A few days later, he backed out on going out with her. When i arrived home, she seemed really down. I asked if i could take her out. She said sure. We went to the bar and had a few drinks. Then i became a fool. I asked why she wouldnt give me a chance. She said she just didn't feel the same way i do. She said she doesn't know why. We talked about it for too long. When we got home, i still insisted on talking about it, and she got pretty mad. Ended up with me asking for a hug, apologizing, and me stating I'd back off. She hugged me, and we went to bed separately. Well the next morning I asked for her to come upstairs and lay next to me to talk. I overstepped a boundary, I know, but at the time I though it was innocent and just wanted a chance to speak as a friend about feeling pushed away.

Well this last weekend, she went to a bonfire at his family's. Ended up sleeping there because she was too drunk. She told me she slept in his bed, and they cuddled, but didn't have sex because shes too scared to ruin what they have going. The next day, my mother invited her out for a birthday dinner with me. She declined stating her boyfriend probably would not like it, and she didn't want to ruin it. Then last night, she had him over in the back yard when i got home from work. they were drinking alone in front of a bonfire. He ended up sleeping here with her in bed. This morning she came upstairs to wish me happy birthday. She sat around silently for a few minuntes, with a sleepy/drunk look, yet she looked like she was thinking something over in her head, almost a guilty look...

I love BFF so much... We have a closeness I didn't even share with my wife. BFF and I played xbox together, went to movies, lunch, dinners, and shopping together. I spent time with her parents(who really like me). These are not FWB traits. And I truly think if given the opportunity, we could be a great couple. But she says I'm too emotional to date, and she wants someone taller than her. She also said she never felt a spark with me, which has me shocked... Does she have feelings for me?

Anyway, that's where I'm at. If you managed to read all that, I truly thank you for your time. And I would greatly appreciate feedback... After all, that's why I am here. I want to be with her so bad it hurts. And yet she is rubbing this new guy in my face. Any input is welcome. I've run out of ideas.
 

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Discussion Starter #2
Wanted to add, often when I'm with her and txting, she asks who I'm talking to... And when I leave and she doesn't know where I'm going, she asks where I'm going, and who I will be with...
 

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Wow. You weren't kidding. That was really long.

I am going to be honest with you because I think this will help you see things more clearly.

First, you seem immature from your post. Why would you even try to start a relationship when you weren't divorced? When you have failed in one relationship, you need to take time to figure out what made it not work and work on yourself.

Second, this girl does not have feelings for you. She used you and you let her. She told you over and over again that she didn't feel this way about you. You just hoped she would change. Well, hate to break it to you, but if she didn't like you from the beginning, she won't like you later.

Lastly, why are you so desperate for her to like you? What is it that you just can't find in someone else, someone who would actually treat you right?

From reading your post, I think you should hold off on relationships and work on building your own confidence. Maybe counseling is an option to. It might make your next relationship successful.
 

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I had a feeling this is the kind of response I would get. I believe it to be true.

Yes it was too soon for a relationship, however I fell hard for this woman. I dont know why. I know several females. Alot with qualities that I should be after. But she was there for me and i was there for her. Some part of my brain had me thinking we had a mutual understanding. She said get my **** together before we even got intimate. If only I knew she ment she would give me a chance at the time. I would have not pressed so hard so soon.

Do I move out? Do I confront her for walking on my feelings? She knew I had feelings, and continued to sleep with me anyway. In my opinion, if you don't want to lead someone on, shouldn't you put an end to it when the say "I love you"?
 

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But she says I'm too emotional to date, and she wants someone taller than her. She also said she never felt a spark with me, which has me shocked... Does she have feelings for me?
Dear midnight,

I've been a similar situation as a young lad so I'll share my observations.

I'll be brutally honest and I'll give it to you straight. You are in no way mature enough to be in a FWB relationship like this.

Firstly, you haven't sorted out your failed marriage have you or did I miss that?

Your FWB has already told you that she doesn't get the same spark. Also, she's dating another guy in your face.

Check out your above statement. See the contradiction? You are stuck in this self perpetuated fantasy contrary to what she is telling you.

Cut her out of your life and sort out your dead marriage. If you carry on with your present stae, you will not make progress as a man and you might miss meeting the real love of your life because she doesn't want to approach you because of your messed up baggage. Your FWB is right, sort your Sh*t out. YOUR FEELINGS WILL PASS.
 

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how do you "fall out of love" after only 2 years of marriage? AND while your baby is on the way?

I can only guess, and my guess is that you chose your wife very poorly, and after a long while you woke up and said "hey...I don't like this person because of X, Y...and Z". Well, when they are dating most people find out this stuff before they marry.

I could not wade thru your whole post, but now it seems you chose poorly for a BFF. I DON'T think one actually lives with a BFF....too entangling. So move out, and read some self help books or something.

ANd take care of your kid. That is your #1 priority now.
 
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(and then the baby on the way).
Out of that long diatribe, this is the ONLY thing that matters.

Keep your hand off of your penis and beer bottles and grow up already. Quit getting yourself fired and hang on to a J-O-B and help pay for YOUR CHILD.

The high school, no, MIDDLE school philosophy you got going is purely amazing. BFF, drunken sex and mommy coming to rescue you? Come on, grow the f up.

Swear off booze and babes for ONE YEAR. Get your act together.
 

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Stopped reading halfway through.

Get your life right bud. You got a kid on the way, you were cheating while married. You're jumping right back into another bad situation with someone who has given you more red flags than you should need.

Spend some time single, work on getting emotionally healthy for your new child. Move out of the house you're in because it's not going to do anything but screw with you.
 

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Do I move out? Do I confront her for walking on my feelings? She knew I had feelings, and continued to sleep with me anyway. In my opinion, if you don't want to lead someone on, shouldn't you put an end to it when the say "I love you"?
She told you she didn't want a relationship with you, yet you continued to sleep with her anyway. That's on you my friend.

Yes you should move out. Your number one priority should be your baby.
 

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I appreciate all the feedback greatly. Not to sound rude, but I do believe if you cannot take time to read the whole thing, you really shouldn't get to weigh in with an opinion. Critics don't watch half a movie and get to throw opinions into articles. Persons opinion anyway. I still take the advice and perspective into mind.

First I will state that my wife was a poor choice in the long run. I guess I didn't go into detail about that. I was 18 when we met. She was... 27. It happened so fast that I didn't know which way was up. A fell out of love about a year ago, simply staying with her because she had two boys that needed stability. Well she got pregnant last summer. I stayed unhappily for 6 months while she was pregnant. Until the day she told me to leave.

Yes the divorce is in process. Already have temporary custody, and divorce is scheduled in September. My son is my top priority, I love him, and I am going for 50/50.

As for a job? I'm sorry but I am 26 and have been employed my entire adult life. I have had 6 jobs total, and have NEVER been fired. Yes I agree I should stop drinking for a while, as I can't control my emotions while intoxicated. And "mommy came to rescue me" because it was 2am, I was wasted, and kicked out.

Anyway, last night I stood up to her, and informed her I felt used. Stated I was moving out by the weekend. It did not go smooth, but its time I move on. I believe it is true I am not ready for a relationship... But I haven't had any time to find myself, being I was in a relationship from 18-25 years old. I'm going to focus on my child and self worth/realization for a while.
 

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Well, there's a few things wrong with your thinking here.

You say your child is the number one priority, but nowhere in the TWENTY ONE paragraphs did you mention where this kid is, how you support him or even that you see him enough to be considered a father. You want a 50/50 custody arrangement. Wonderful. How old is he now, 6-7 months, if that? Dude, you aren't ready.

And you better start to mature your thinking to understand exactly what I'm saying. If I were your stbx, I'd have serious misgivings to hand over a BABY to you for anything more than a two hour period. You have to have stability and you're nowhere near that yet.

I'm glad that you're finally realizing your child is way more important than anything else in this world. Quit acting like a train wreck, stop drinking PERIOD and focus.
 

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.


Anyway, last night I stood up to her, and informed her I felt used. Stated I was moving out by the weekend. It did not go smooth, but its time I move on. I believe it is true I am not ready for a relationship... But I haven't had any time to find myself, being I was in a relationship from 18-25 years old. I'm going to focus on my child and self worth/realization for a while.

wise decision! also don't answer her texes and if you have the guts to do it, block her number. MOVE ON!
You need to start your life from 0. make these experience like tresure.
 

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You got played.

Plain and simple, this girl is a player. And you left your pregnant wife to carry on with her. You hardly mention your wife or new baby in any of your story which was long as hel (and which I normally never read the long ones but oh my, it was like a soap opera).

No. She doesn't have feelings for you. Or rather, not feelings enough to want to be with you.

She has a boyfriend. She has moved on. That boyfriend, I am sure, is not going to be cool with you living with her soon enough, especially knowing your history together.

You have been a filler for her. That's why she initially told you she didn't feel about you "that way" - you know, back when you were living with your wife. You have always felt more for her than she does for you. That is it, plain and simple.

My advice is simple: move out, get a divorce and tend to your child/career.

As a woman, I can tell you, she has no real feelings for you. Not the kind where she actually wants to be with you. You are a ship passing in the night for her. Maybe someone to help her pay her rent, and have some casual sex with. That's it. The emotional connection is not there for her. And women need that connection.

She just isn't that into you.

You need to stop trying to convince yourself she is.



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She knew I had feelings, and continued to sleep with me anyway. In my opinion, if you don't want to lead someone on, shouldn't you put an end to it when the say "I love you"?
Eh. The answer is here:

She told you she didn't want a relationship with you, yet you continued to sleep with her anyway. That's on you my friend.
It's called COMMON SENSE.



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I read it all word for word.....you certainly are getting played..she is using you, she is very selfish...you notice how she can see other guys but needs to know what your doing and where you are going... pretty one sided..
get out of there, and forget about her..she is not worth your time....
 

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You got played.

Plain and simple, this girl is a player. And you left your pregnant wife to carry on with her. You hardly mention your wife or new baby in any of your story which was long as hel (and which I normally never read the long ones but oh my, it was like a soap opera).

No. She doesn't have feelings for you. Or rather, not feelings enough to want to be with you.

She has a boyfriend. She has moved on. That boyfriend, I am sure, is not going to be cool with you living with her soon enough, especially knowing your history together.

You have been a filler for her. That's why she initially told you she didn't feel about you "that way" - you know, back when you were living with your wife. You have always felt more for her than she does for you. That is it, plain and simple.

My advice is simple: move out, get a divorce and tend to your child/career.

As a woman, I can tell you, she has no real feelings for you. Not the kind where she actually wants to be with you. You are a ship passing in the night for her. Maybe someone to help her pay her rent, and have some casual sex with. That's it. The emotional connection is not there for her. And women need that connection.

She just isn't that into you.

You need to stop trying to convince yourself she is.
Right as usual Ms. Beans. Look dude I'm going to leave aside the fact that you left your wife for this...karma if you ask me. In any case she has been playing you like a yoyo toy for awhile now. She doesn't love and and sure as hell doesn't respect you. You need to get out of that house and stop talking to this woman immediately. Don't even try the lets just be friends no sex routine cause this woman will never let that happen.
 

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Again, thank you for all the feedback. I appreciate everyone's opinion and advice to the fullest.

Main reason I have not mentioned my 3 month old, and wife, is because that part of my life is not in conflict. My feelings toward another woman are. To say I'm not ready to father my child is a joke. I worked in-home daycare for 5 years, and can certainly handle a child. I also fathered 2 step kids for the 7 years I was with my stbx. One from 6 months old until recent.

My divorce is in motion, and custody is more than likely going to be 50/50 according to the lawyer. These are things I cannot make happen faster due to court processing. So I have been doing everything in my power to handle those situations.

I am making a full blown attempt to move on from my roommate. I didnt come here to get patronized for poor decisions, I am human and made a big mistake. However, I can and will learn from this experience.

The only conflict left, is she txted me "I dont want you to move out, but I don't think things are going to change." Well as of now, I am living else where, but keeping my unnecessary items (knick-knacks, excess clothing, posters, etc...) at my roommates house. I do want to continue being friends with her, and I know deep down she does as well... After all she's going out of town this weekend and asked me to stay at the house to doggy-sit. Its a matter of me moving on from loving her. I let myself get used, to stay close to her.

Again, I greatly appreciate taking the time to read my "novel", haha. And even more so appreciate any feedback given. Thank you.
 

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Look you're young and part of being young is thinking that you are the bees knees. You can be a child psychologist for the Obama's and not be ready to be a parent.

Your kid is going to see your life as a model for how to live, regardless of what experience you have or what you know or what you tell them. If you're living with a chick who craps on you while she screws other guys and you continue to live with her and pine after her, guess what, you're modeling that behavior to your kid.

Stop focusing on this cancer in your life, don't try to be her friend. Just cut ties and move on. The fact that you are subjecting yourself to this craziness shows that you need some therapy. Your life is a soap opera, that's not normal. The consistency in your crazy life is you, so figure out why it is that you are attracted to all this drama and work on stamping it out so that your kid can have a stable life with stable influences.
 
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