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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Why Women Cheat?

by Chump Lady on May 14, 2014

Anyone see this on HuffPo?

Why do women cheat? A new survey from Victoria Milan — a dating site for married people seeking affairs — suggests it’s because they find their partner really, really annoying. (And apparently, the only way to cope with that is to hook up with another dude.)

The website polled 6,000 women on the site and a whopping 73 percent of the ladies said the chief reason they cheated was because they were annoyed by their partner’s character flaws and behavior. The number one complaint the women brought up? A lackluster sense of humor, at 19 percent.

Unsurprisingly, more than half of the women admitted they were looking for a lover who did not possess the trait they found so obnoxious in their partner.

Below, the 10 most irritating behaviors that the women cited as excuses for cheating:

1. He lacks a sense of humor (19%)
2. He’s not understanding enough (16%)
3. He’s not good in bed (14%)
4. He lacks good manners (11%)
5. He’s lazy and doesn’t have any life plans (10%)
6. He doesn’t care about his appearance and has poor hygiene (9%)
7. He’s not successful (7%)
8. He doesn’t pay enough attention to details and social obligations (5%)
9. He’s unable to clean up after himself and he’s a mama’s boy (5%)
10. He’s stingy (4%)

(Read the rest here)
 

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So, HuffPo basically ran a subtle advertorial for a cheating site. Classy, HuffPo.

I have to say that those are the feeblest excuses I've ever seen for cheating. I mean, when someone says that their spouse yells at them or never gives them sex, I can understand (though not agree with) their cheating. I think, "Well, that was the wrong choice, but I get why you did it". But, "bad manners"--are you kidding me?

I enjoyed what Chump Lady had to say. I hadn't read any of her articles before. Chump Lady is absolutely right when she says these are all lame excuses for entitled women doing what they like and forget everyone else.

The top three excuses are particularly weak justifications. My interpretations:

1. He lacks a sense of humour.

He is responsible for entertaining me and if I feel bored I am entitled to bang the neighbour.

2. He’s not understanding enough.

Sometimes I don't get my own way.

3. He’s not good in bed.

I lie there and think of other guys while he does his thing instead of communicating, but it's his fault. Why can't he be more exciting, like the bad boys I hooked up with in college, instead of just reliable and nice?

Some of the excuses--especially the laziness and poor hygiene--could actually be legitimate concerns, but they're still not reason enough for cheating.
 

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Meh. In fact double meh. Not one of those reasons on that list was on my WW's reasons for cheating. Maybe number 2, but that's so freaking subjective, I mean what WS thinks their BS is understanding enough? That list is just a bunch of lame excuses, not true reasons for cheating. No help to me at all.

FWIW: If your getting your relationship advice from Huffpo, or any advice for that matter, you probably want to look somewhere else.
 

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Anyone see this on HuffPo

Why do women cheat? A new survey from Victoria Milan — a dating site for married people seeking affairs — suggests it’s because they find their partner really, really annoying. (And apparently, the only way to cope with that is to hook up with another dude.)

The website polled 6,000 women on the site and a whopping 73 percent of the ladies said the chief reason they cheated was because they were annoyed by their partner’s character flaws and behavior. The number one complaint the women brought up? A lackluster sense of humor, at 19 percent.

Unsurprisingly, more than half of the women admitted they were looking for a lover who did not possess the trait they found so obnoxious in their partner.

Below, the 10 most irritating behaviors that the women cited as excuses for cheating:

1. He lacks a sense of humor (19%)
2. He’s not understanding enough (16%)
3. He’s not good in bed (14%)
4. He lacks good manners (11%)
5. He’s lazy and doesn’t have any life plans (10%)
6. He doesn’t care about his appearance and has poor hygiene (9%)
7. He’s not successful (7%)
8. He doesn’t pay enough attention to details and social obligations (5%)
9. He’s unable to clean up after himself and he’s a mama’s boy (5%)
10. He’s stingy (4%)

Where to begin? I love that cheaters are annoyed by “character flaws” — that’s a hoot! And I’m also wondering why every “married dating site” (cough) is named like some Harlequin romance character — Victoria Milan? ****** *******? They never name these things Cheryl Schultz. No, Victoria Milan is a classy hooker with a heart of gold. ****** ******* is a plucky real estate agent with a fondness for garter belts under her business attire. Seduce her right and she’ll go spread eagle at the title and loans.

These married dating site PR people sure know how to pitch. To the idiot women who want to live a Harlequin romance fantasy (I‘m not a Martha — I’m an ******!), and to all the men avoiding the Cheryl’s in their lives. Those drab women who get **** done.

Oh, and “married dating sites”? That’s like saying “gambling den savings” or “peaceful flame thrower” — it’s an oxymoron, you moron. You don’t “date” while married. That’s called “cheating.” But I guess “cheating site” doesn’t sound as sexy, even if you name it Victoria Milan.

Anyway… why women cheat.

Because, guys, you don’t have a sense of humor.

I know, I know — there you were being a grown up, working a job, paying bills and cleaning the gutters. It wasn’t a chuckle fest. It’s hard to be witty when the baby wakes you up at 3 a.m. But work on it, okay? Maybe you should consider an improv class. Or juggling. Or maybe one of those bowties that squirts water?

Could clown college affair proof your marriage?

Just throwing out suggestions — because if you don’t keep things light and breezy around here, she’s going to be boinking her co-worker Chip. Fail at the funny and there are reasons 2 through 10 to cheat on you as well. On your toes, gentleman! Don’t annoy the ladies or its chumpdom for you!

Did anyone notice that most of these items are pure projection? Not understanding enough? Lazy and doesn’t have life plans? Doesn’t pay enough attention to details and social obligations?

Really Victoria? How many social obligations are you attending to while you’re off ****ing Chip? Huh? Do you find yourself attending to the details of childcare while you are conducting an affair?

And good manners? Seriously? A guy doesn’t hold open the car door for you and you’re liable to **** his best friend? You think THAT is mannerly? You think Emily Post has a section of etiquette for whoring around on your husband? Put down your seafood fork and think for a minute. Cheating is BAD MANNERS. No, hit yourself with the seafood fork. You are bad! Bad! Bad!

Stop making excuses for your ****ty behavior. His untrimmed toenails did not drive you to cheater dating sites. Your entitlement did. Your inability to deal like a grown up with the little disappointments and imperfections of life. God knows there is some faithful chump somewhere putting up with your **** — your hair in the drain, your lazy ass on the sofa, and your inability to find Will Ferrell funny — and he’s not cheating on you.

For the love of God, get a divorce. We could use some faithful guys in the dating pool. And you can continue your eternal quest for a characterless cheater who makes you laugh.

Best of luck, idiot.


I went ahead and took the liberty of copying the entire column from the TAM and Huffington Post renowned Chump Lady. To be honest, I think the biggest "chumps" are her faithful readers. You see, she, and her high priced, divorce lawyer, hubby (hubby #2, of course, because without hubby #1, there would be no Chump Lady, at all) make big bucks off of us "bad! Bad! Bad! Idiots."

Her hubby makes his big bucks off of handling big money divorces. And, the Chump Lady makes hers off of continuously stirring the venom pot, of those who have been affected by infidelity, in her regular column/blog/whatever it is, :scratchhead: in The Huffington Post. To quote the famous line from a Seinfeld episode, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" And, I suppose there isn't...... really??? But, what exactly is good about her column? Well, it's probably a very good source of income for the Chump Lady, and her high-priced divorce lawyer hubby! In fact, it may even help keep her hubby's business booming by providing an ongoing, and steady source of disgruntled, stirred, and shaken clientele! And, that, too, would be very good for the Chump Lady, indeed! ;)

It must be a virtual hate-fest, at their home, in the evenings, what with all of their certain comparing of notes about the "Bad! Bad! Badness! of all idiot cheaters." I do hope that Chump Lady's son, with the idiot cheater that is Chump's former husband, is not frequently present for all of these conversations. After all, that bad! Bad! Bad! idiot cheater is his father. And, contrary to what is often posted on TAM, many children of cheaters do, in fact, love their imperfect and flawed parents, both of their imperfect and flawed parents. And, contrary to another often posted myth on TAM, there are parents who cheat, have cheated, or will cheat, who love their children with every ounce of their being. If only perfect, sinless people were capable of loving their children, then NO ONE would be qualified.

Now, I confess, that I am NOT a regular reader of Chump Lady's venom spewing drivel, but from what I have seen, Chump seems to know an awful lot about the mind of a cheater, without actually having ever been one herself. Obviously, I'm in a mood tonight. :ezpi_wink1: Still, I don't intend to take apart this particular post, item-by-item. But, I will say, as a former cheater, (so I suppose that "qualifies" me) that this list of ten items (while they are not exactly desirable qualities in a mate) are NOT the reasons that people cheat. Anyone who believes that cheating is not far more complicated than that, well, then they are the idiot! I understand that the Chump did not author this list, and that it came from a Victoria Milan survey, but in reprinting it in her column, she is attempting to give it credibility.

And, finally, Chump Lady, though I regrettably, eventually, choose selfishness, as a coping mechanism, during a time when I felt very sad, lonely, hopeless, defeated, demoralized, and broken, before, during, and after my affair, (for quite some time) I am not, was not, and never will be bad! Bad! Bad! Nor am I an idiot. You declaring that I (as a FWS) am, does not make it so. It makes you a foul-mouthed *****. Neither does my declaring that about you make it so. A quick glance at your column/drivel is all that is necessary to confirm it. :rolleyes:

I'm feeling much better now! I may actually get a good night of rest tonight! :D
 

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I will say, as a former cheater, (so I suppose that "qualifies" me) that this list of ten items (while they are not exactly desirable qualities in a mate) are NOT the reasons that people cheat. Anyone who believes that cheating is not far more complicated than that, well, then they are the idiot!
Come to think of it, the survey would almost definitely have been multiple choice, with the answers already chosen by VM's marketing people in order to reinforce to their clients why they should have affairs. So, I agree that those answers are probably not at all reflective of what goes through a cheating spouse's mind.

I would guess they ran the survey and then contacted HuffPo to have the piece written there as a part of their marketing campaign. I've been published in magazines and blogs professionally and they all run on behind-the-scenes quid pro quo stuff.
 

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Now, I confess, that I am NOT a regular reader of Chump Lady's venom spewing drivel, but from what I have seen, Chump seems to know an awful lot about the mind of a cheater, without actually having ever been one herself.
I have dealt with enough manipulative people over the years that I can see manipulation far sooner than when I was younger. This doesn't make me manipulative.

Just being the object of someone else's cheating ways, maneuvers, tactics can make you see more clearly the next time it happens.
 

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I actually emailed a question to Chump Lady recently. She replied right away, and had quickly and deftly dissected the issue down to the bone. Laid it out like scientific theory.

Agree with her or not, she is obviously very smart, good with words and arguments, and steadfast in her opinions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I actually emailed a question to Chump Lady recently. She replied right away, and had quickly and deftly dissected the issue down to the bone. Laid it out like scientific theory.

Agree with her or not, she is obviously very smart, good with words and arguments, and steadfast in her opinions.
:iagree: I like her columns and the way she lays out her argument. She does not sugarcoat it, so her approach might ruffle some feathers. The thing is her columns seem to spark discussion - you don't have to agree with her but she does make you think.
 

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This thread should be entitled "Chumo Lady responds to article..."

I was confused at the title, since an article about why you need to cheat would be way out of the normal genre for anything on her column.


As it seems....
6000 respondents? Of cours they will all say the same thing. Al respondents were from the cheating website.

Go to a 1000 bars at 9am in the morning, and ask all the barflys "is drinking justified, and why?". I'm sure you'll get 6000 respondents saying its completely justified, with a top ten list of why you need to drink yourself stupid at 9am.
 

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Hey EI, for someone who doesn't read me, you sure seem to think you know a lot about me.

Now, I confess, that I am NOT a regular reader of Chump Lady's venom spewing drivel, but from what I have seen, Chump seems to know an awful lot about the mind of a cheater, without actually having ever been one herself.

For the record, my husband isn't a divorce attorney -- he's a civil rights attorney, plaintiff's side only. He represents poor people who are fired for race, gender, pregnancy discrimination etc. and people injured on the job. He doesn't take a cent from his clients and works on a contingency fee basis -- meaning he only collects if he settles the case. (Which means he's really great at what he does.) Hardly ANYONE does this work, and next to no one does it contingency fee only in the state of Texas. (The only state that doesn't require workers comp and is a right to work state.) In short, he's David fighting Goliath every day. With his own damn money.

You don't have to like me, but you take a pot shot at my husband -- I'll take you on.

How do I know about cheating and manipulation? I was married to a serial cheater once. I'm a chump. Says so in the name, "Chump Lady." And for the record, HuffPo doesn't pay and I make next to no money on my blog. Negative cash flow actually -- Amazon ads and donations are the sole income. I work as a freelance writer in my other life.

Next time, make an informed opinion.
 

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To: Chump Lady:

You turned a very bad experience in your life into a source of thought and expression, service and empowerment. You turned a phase of shame and sadness in your life into an effective tool of discourse.

That’s the best way to emerge from this kind of chaos, I guess. Or, that is the best revenge (if at all you wanted it) you could have taken on someone who made you feel less than yourself. Congratulations.

Perhaps you WERE a chump. But now, you are a champ.
(Of course, there will be agreements and disagreements. But now, you have the power to spark them off).

Hats off to your husband too. Just out of curiosity, did he propose, or did you?
 

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1. He lacks a sense of humor (19%)
He was funny when you were interested in him, and not interested in the guy at work.. who is making you laugh these days because he's the one you're spending time with and talking to instead of your husband.

2. He’s not understanding enough (16%)
Because you're not honest with him. It's hard to understand what you don't know. It's not easy to understand when you're being left in the dark and manipulated and lied to.

3. He’s not good in bed (14%)
You're not exactly a porn star yourself..

4. He lacks good manners (11%)
But the guy at work is polite, he says 'please can we get a motel room?'

5. He’s lazy and doesn’t have any life plans (10%)
Usually has bought a house, car, raised kids, provides food, clothing.. no life plans to rent a motel for two hours on friday like the OM has. He plans on staying with his wife and banging someone on the side, like you.. you both have big life plans. F up everyone's lives around you. That's what a non lazy person would do, take the easy way out.

6. He doesn’t care about his appearance and has poor hygiene (9%)
He will once he gets a girlfriend, it seems once you get the boyfriend you start caring more.

7. He’s not successful (7%)
OM is successful though, at getting into your pants.

8. He doesn’t pay enough attention to details and social obligations (5%)
Details like flirting up the women at work? Social obligations like asking them to a motel for a few hours?

9. He’s unable to clean up after himself and he’s a mama’s boy (5%)
Does OM clean up for you? Was he a mommas boy when you married him, or is this a new development?

10. He’s stingy (4%)
Not sharing himself the way you are? He should give himself to others more often..

(Read the rest here)

Hey ladies from this pole (sp).. find a mirror, take a good long look in it.
 

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:)

Liked this part the best.
"Stop making excuses for your ****ty behavior. His untrimmed toenails did not drive you to cheater dating sites. Your entitlement did. Your inability to deal like a grown up with the little disappointments and imperfections of life. God knows there is some faithful chump somewhere putting up with your **** — your hair in the drain, your lazy ass on the sofa, and your inability to find Will Ferrell funny — and he’s not cheating on you.

For the love of God, get a divorce. We could use some faithful guys in the dating pool. And you can continue your eternal quest for a characterless cheater who makes you laugh."

I am a reader of Chump Lady and agree with the vast majority of what she says. But, I am not a cheater. I am sure that it must be very uncomfortable to read if you are a cheater (even a repentant one).
 

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just like all cheater male or female they need some sort of reason to explain their behaivor.

because inside the are shallow cowards. Instead of saying this isn't working for me I think we should divorce they cheat and still let their spouce feel like everythings ok as they reap the benfits of a marriage.
 

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As to the point of the article posted, I think it is the rare cheater who says "I cheated because I wanted to. Because I valued my own pleasure and narcissistic supply over your well-being. I cheated because the warning bells in my head didn't go off. I felt entitled."

That's ugly and unflattering, so they come up with these weird ass excuses like "He doesn't have a sense of humor."

JMHO.
 

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Hah, great to see you here Tracy.

I wanted to mention that you passed the same test that I give doctors. Unless I can tell that they are smarter than me, I generally won't listen to them. (most pass the test, of course)

After our brief email exchange, I realized your are someone I'd listen to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
:)

Liked this part the best.
"Stop making excuses for your ****ty behavior. His untrimmed toenails did not drive you to cheater dating sites. Your entitlement did. Your inability to deal like a grown up with the little disappointments and imperfections of life. God knows there is some faithful chump somewhere putting up with your **** — your hair in the drain, your lazy ass on the sofa, and your inability to find Will Ferrell funny — and he’s not cheating on you.

For the love of God, get a divorce. We could use some faithful guys in the dating pool. And you can continue your eternal quest for a characterless cheater who makes you laugh."

I am a reader of Chump Lady and agree with the vast majority of what she says. But, I am not a cheater. I am sure that it must be very uncomfortable to read if you are a cheater (even a repentant one).
:iagree::iagree::iagree:
 

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They should have added some options to the pole(sp) like:

I cheated because I was bored and wanted to spice up my life like in movies and romance novels.

I cheated because my mommy and grandmommy taught me that's what good girls do. Men are things we use for our pleasure as we see fit.

I cheated because it felt good to sneak and lie to people that love me. It made me feel empowered and in control.

I cheated because it felt awesome to have two guys wanting and needing me.

I cheated because it was easy and I thought I wouldn't get caught.

I cheated because I wanted some strange, someone different.

I cheated because I have low self esteem and little self respect.

I cheated because the opportunity presented itself.

I cheated because I have poor self control and weak boundaries.

I cheated because I'm a c**k tease and someone finally called me on it.

I cheated because I knew he'd forgive me if he found out, he's such a beta chump.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
They should have added some options to the pole(sp) like:

I cheated because I was bored and wanted to spice up my life like in movies and romance novels.

I cheated because my mommy and grandmommy taught me that's what good girls do. Men are things we use for our pleasure as we see fit.

I cheated because it felt good to sneak and lie to people that love me. It made me feel empowered and in control.

I cheated because it felt awesome to have two guys wanting and needing me.

I cheated because it was easy and I thought I wouldn't get caught.

I cheated because I wanted some strange, someone different.

I cheated because I have low self esteem and little self respect.

I cheated because the opportunity presented itself.

I cheated because I have poor self control and weak boundaries.

I cheated because I'm a c**k tease and someone finally called me on it.

I cheated because I knew he'd forgive me if he found out, he's such a beta chump.
Basically it is "I cheated because I chose to." End of story.

Reconciling does not make a man beta - when a man does what he thinks is right despite the obstacles he is being strong - it is when he rolls over and tries to nice his spouse back and grovels that he is being a "beta" in my opinion.

Love your posts...
 
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