Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,036 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
It's Christmas Day and my wife and I are spending most of the entire day / evening at her sister's place. Her sister / hubby have two kids. Everything they do is based around their kids. Opening gifts, kids.......music / DVD's, kids based..........doing things, lego's/toys kids........or you just sit there and talk about nothing for 8+ hours. I really don't want to play with toys / lego's for 8+ hours.......groan. To me, this is incredibly boring.

I don't mind the first hour, but then I get quite bored and don't want to stay. I am an adult, not a kid. My wife bends over backwards for her sister.


How would you deal with this situation?

Am I being selfish?

What can I do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,036 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I figured as much.

Any suggestions for me that would help?


When my wife asks me, did I have a great time? I am honest and say, not really, kids based and boring.


See, when I was younger, my parents had a lot of people over but everyone was free to come and go and do whatever they liked. Movies for us teenagers, toys for the kids, adults chatted and went for walks, and everyone met later on for supper. No one was just sitting there, kids everything and that's about it. Even some of us went down the hills on tires. It was a fun time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,372 Posts
Bring your ipod or computer or a good book.

Or suggest something that YOU would like to do.

I'll bet the kids would like to sled down hills or go ice skating or build snowmen. If you like to do those kinds of things, suggest it instead of legos.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,036 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
I was thinking about those suggestions but I don't think it would go over to well with my wife........it's almost like she expects me to have a good time?!

What would they think if they came to our place and everything was based around our cat? Or you can sit there and chat or play with the cat / toys for 8+ hours?


We have almost no snow because of the warm weather 0'C outside.


All the things I like to do are adult based, not kid orientated. They don't have a surround system, only a very small tv. No gaming system. Can't go a long walk with everyone because of kids. No one can really leave, kids.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
415 Posts
every christmas? geesh, how about a compromise here. Why cant you leave after dinner? I was so glad when we got two cars then I could just leave him to hang out with his family for 12 hours by himself
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,329 Posts
No freakin' way would I do this. It's your holiday too! I'd stay home. If you wife wants to do this, she can go on her own. Your wife is completely and utterly WRONG to be doing this to you! :mad:

Your wife needs to get her priorities straight and put YOU before her sister! YOU aren't being selfish..SHE IS!!

Maybe next year you should go on a romantic vacation someplace for the holiday. Break this horrid cycle. Doesn't sound like you have kids so you should be enjoying this time for yourselves.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
I don't know that you're being selfish; it does sound boring. However, it sounds like something you're just going to have to do.

I agree with a previous post that said you should consider suggesting things that are fun for everyone. Bring a game that can be fun for both kids and adults. If they don't respond well to your suggestion, you might just have to grin and bear it. But it's not crazy for you to ask your wife if the two of you can leave earlier than usual.

Or, bring some booze. It won't seem as boring then!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
360 Posts
It over now,but bring over [VIDEO GAMES] that you can wonder off and play,bring CDs or anything else that you are into,as the poster aboive said board games,cheap remote control cars they can take outsise and play with ect.
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
45,082 Posts
So talk to your wife about it and have her come up with things that are more adult to do for part of the time. Surely the children can play by themselves part of the time.

Do the sister and her husband run their family this way, totally child centric? If so that does not bode well for the marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
30 Posts
Hi there,well I think this is really unfair for you,how come you don't go and spend the day with your family ,at your brothers house /sister ,cousin talk to her she should be more considerate to your feelings as well.I mean for god sake I cant play for 8 hours with my own kids lol..have atalk with your wife get things ready for next year :) good luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,461 Posts
It's Christmas Day and my wife and I are spending most of the entire day / evening at her sister's place. Her sister / hubby have two kids. Everything they do is based around their kids. Opening gifts, kids.......music / DVD's, kids based..........doing things, lego's/toys kids........or you just sit there and talk about nothing for 8+ hours. I really don't want to play with toys / lego's for 8+ hours.......groan. To me, this is incredibly boring.

I don't mind the first hour, but then I get quite bored and don't want to stay. I am an adult, not a kid. My wife bends over backwards for her sister.


How would you deal with this situation?

Am I being selfish?

What can I do?
Are you my husband?? :rofl: j/k

We go through this as well... Every.Single.Holiday.

You know, it really sucks to be with someone who (and I'm not saying it's you, but maybe it is?) dreads doing family activities. Pesters to leave the second we arrive. Doesn't engage with other family. (My husband literally holed himself up in a spare bedroom at my sister's yesterday - didn't come out until it was time to eat, and right back upstairs he went).

My family thinks he is rude. He feels too much uneasiness and discomfort while there. I am in the middle! Not fun!

However, I've been in YOUR shoes more times than I can count - because I am the SAME WAY when it's not MY family I'm seeing. So I get it, I really do.

Some ideas: Get to know your wife's family a bit better. Maybe they won't seem so boring once you start seeing them as people, and not an "obligation" of sorts. Maybe spend some time with them, sans kiddos, once a month or so just to really get to know them? (If you're not interested, that's a whole other story). Understand that most people with kids DO focus their lives around them! I'm not really what you would call a "kid" person, (even though I have a daughter), but I certainly respect that they are a HUGE and IMPORTANT part of my sister's life! I take it that you don't have children?

Even though it's boring and awkward, in these circumstances I would advise you to do what I do, and that is to "suck it up". Especially for special occasions. If you do and say things like my husband does (such as pestering to leave, or telling me I can or should go alone when something is planned), realize that this can be very hurtful. We wanted to feel united, not divided. :)

BTW - I LOVE your screen-name. :D
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
37 Posts
I was the one on the other side of this. Family is HUGE to me, my mom, and siblings so every holiday we usually spent together. Tons of people, tons of food, and tons of kids. We did not have all kids stuff though...that would be unbearable. LOL Anyway, my husband went along with this for years and only just recently told me that he gets Christmas Day off and he really wants to spend it with just me and our 2 kids and that's it so we have started having "family" Christmas the weekend before or even a few days before then Christmas eve/day is off limits to everyone but us. It was incredibly hard for me this year to not go over to my mom's house (she lives next door lol) BUT there has to be a compromise. Maybe you both can alternate years with family holiday one year, and quiet holiday the next or do what me and hubby did and spread the holiday cheer over a couple weeks and make Christmas day especially for you and your wife! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,329 Posts
However, it sounds like something you're just going to have to do.
I don't get his attitude. WHY is this something that he HAS to do? :scratchhead: Isn't this HIS holiday too? Why does everyone think that he has to be bored stiff on his holiday because his wife can't seem to disconnect herself from her sister and spend quality time with her HUSBAND on Christmas Day? I can see going over for a few hours to visit but EIGHT HOURS of playing with her sister's kids? :wtf:

I guess it's true, there aren't any real men out there anymore. You are all totally whipped. :slap:

I'm a woman and I wouldn't put up with it. For years I had to deal with my husband's family coming over for all the birthdays, all the holidays. Yeah, I cooked the meals and engaged in the small talk over the meal and then I went upstairs and holed up in my office and played on the computer 'til they left.

It's not that I hated them but they were insanely boring people. I did my bit but I could only take so much. I'm just antisocial like that. Not everyone wants to do the big family get together for EVERY holiday. There has to be a compromise or happy medium.

Why is it that the wishes of the person who does NOT want partake of this sort of thing are ignored and he or she is expected to "suck it up" and do something that makes them uncomfortable on a day that's supposed to be fun and relaxing? Why does ONE person have to dictate what BOTH people in a marriage are going to do?

At the very least, do a compromise and, as was suggested above, do it alternating years or on a different day. But to HAVE to do something like this EVERY Christmas? Really? And HE is wondering if HE is being selfish? Wow...

I don't get this at all but it reinforces the idea that I was meant to be single. If I ever get in a relationship with someone again (I am in the process of getting divorced) I will make it CLEAR to anyone I get involved with that I am dating THEM, not their family and I want no part of mandatory family get togethers.

That's why people need to do premarital counseling BEFORE they get married so they can figure these things out beforehand.

I guess as usual, I'm in the minority. Oh well.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Red2

·
Registered
Joined
·
785 Posts
There are no boring things, only boring people. The fact that you were bored at the family gathering reflects more upon you than it does upon your wife and her family.

Some people get excited about spending time with family. Your wife is one of those people. You can let these events be a chance to build shared, common experiences. Or you can let it be a tool for building walls between you and your spouse and creating resentment for you or her.

My advice is to grow up, find aspects of the day that are enjoyable and try to focus on build upon those. You know what, those nieces and nephews will grow up over time and become very interesting people that YOU will want to hang with. If you treat them well now, they will think the world of you down the line. If you ignore them and are grumpy, you will make no impact on their life at all.

It's all about attitude, dude. Make the best of a less-than-ideal situation and you will be paid back ten-fold. If you want to be a grumpy, selfish old man, you got a great start by practicing as a grumpy, selfish young man.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,036 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 · (Edited)
Wow, thx for all the advice everyone. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and soon to be Happy New Year.


My wife and I have no kids yet, so our place is kid free all year long. I don't mind kids but until we have our own, or if we have any, that won't change on my part.

My wife does bend over backwards for her sister and family and it's bad at times. I've told her she is a doormat.

My family moved to Portland Oregon a long time ago so I have no family here. I cut the cord so to speak when I got married and after they moved. We do email each other now and then and the occasional phone call.

My plan for 2013 Christmas is to take my wife for a few days / nights at a nice hotel, breakfast in bed, just for us, do some shopping, no sister and no kids.

By the end of the night, I was playing with their kids again, toys, it was okay but not exciting. Their food was fantastic and I helped them in the kitchen and gave them many compliments on how perfect their meals were done.

I wasn't a grump all night long, nor did I hide in some room either but I wasn't super happy. See, her parents were there and they're retired and love the grand kids, so they can just sit there, play with kids and do nothing all day/night. All of my wife's family live within a 10 minute drive of us.

My wife's sister's family are art orientated, so technology is minimized. I can also understand they want the kids to go out more and associate with others more instead of tv, movies and video games.

Even before my wife's sister got married and had the kids, we did things at her parents place and just sat there. What can you do with 60+ year olds? Not much. They are a very layed back bunch, don't do much and are quiet types. And you can can't speak your mind too much because my wife's entire family are sensitive, so you have to watch what you say to an extent.

I'm CuddleBug because I'm a high sex drive guy, love to cuddle with my wife on the couch after work, she falls asleep, wakes up refreshed, I love her physicality and want her all the time. But she is a bigger woman, low sex drive, usually never in the mood, no fantasies, and never takes the sexual initiative. I weight train, 6 ft 2 and about 230 lbs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,329 Posts
Even before my wife's sister got married and had the kids, we did things at her parents place and just sat there. What can you do with 60+ year olds? Not much. They are a very layed back bunch, don't do much and are quiet types. And you can can't speak your mind too much because my wife's entire family are sensitive, so you have to watch what you say to an extent.

I'm CuddleBug because I'm a high sex drive guy, love to cuddle with my wife on the couch after work, she falls asleep, wakes up refreshed, I love her physicality and want her all the time. But she is a bigger woman, low sex drive, usually never in the mood, no fantasies, and never takes the sexual initiative. I weight train, 6 ft 2 and about 230 lbs.
Oversensitive inlaws that don't say or do much, an overweight wife with a low sex drive who bends over backwards to accomodate her sister but could care less about her husband's needs.

I gotta say, I think you are getting a raw deal. You might want to think hard about your situation if or before you DO have kids. This sort of thing can get old pretty fast. :( Life goes by really fast. Is this the kind of life that you really want...day after day, year after year? :confused:

Good luck to you. Sounds like you'll need it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,329 Posts
I guess I was just raised to think that marriage is both give and take. Compromise.
I agree. But there's no compromise here. His wife dictates and he bends over backwards to accomodate. I don't see compromise.

Compromise would be doing this for a few hours or every other year but EVERY year, ALL day? Not seeing it.

:shrug: To each his own.
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top