I have been with my partner in a distance relationship for nearly 3 years. I moved over to live with him 4 months ago. He has 2 daughters from his previous marriage aged 19 and 21 both at university. They have been around in our house most of those 4 months as they have been on holidays from uni. They never lifted a finger once to do anything around the house and basically treated it like a hotel. The youngest daughter is open and friendly we get on well, there has been some hostility from the older daughter who is very possessive of her dad and his time and totally monopolises him. I have 2 sons aged 17 and 21. It is my 'turn' to have my youngest son for Christmas,- he has lived with his dad for the last year abroad. However, now my partner has turned around and said it is best that if my son is to be with me for christmas that I take him to my mums - who lives far away - as it was 'awkward' with his girls when he came to stay recently for a few days. He is very quiet and a bit shy but polite, kind and easy going. His daughters are very outgoing and noisy, so I could see and feel it was awkward at times. However, I am devastated that it means I cant spend Christmas with my partner if Im to have my son, and also that he has asked me to be elsewhere at Christmas. His worry is that if his daughters find it awkward that they will go and spend Christmas day with their Mum (if my son is here) and not with him so naturally he wants christmas with his own daughters. I am very hurt by it all, particularly as I was supposed to have xmas with his last year (when we lived distantly) and his daughters made it all too difficult for that to happen as they were worried about their mother etc. Am I wrong in thinking that it is very unfair and wrong for my partner to ask this of me..?
Christmas and our children
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No, you are not wrong. However, he has stated a potential problem and has offered a potential solution. The logical mind doesn't always take into consideration the feelings of those involved.
Simply put, the place where you are living, is it your home too? Would he consider it appropriate if you asked him to go with his daughters elsewhere during Christmas to make it less burdensome on your son? I doubt it. He would probably feel as offended as you feel.
Maybe he hasn't stopped to consider that he isn't seeing the home that you share as your home as well as his home? Maybe he is only thinking about ensuring his daughters want to be with him? Maybe, depending on how long he and his ex have been separated, he feels guilty about breaking up the family they knew and is trying to soften the blow to them?
If your relationship is to last, the home you two share needs to be a welcoming place for all of your children. They are all strangers to each other so yes there will be some awkwardness to overcome. But in order to overcome that, they all need experience in being together.
Try to show your concern for his daughters as well as your son. But to ask you to send your son elsewhere, in the absence of totally disruptive behavior, which isn't the case here, is unfair and hurtful.
Simply put, the place where you are living, is it your home too? Would he consider it appropriate if you asked him to go with his daughters elsewhere during Christmas to make it less burdensome on your son? I doubt it. He would probably feel as offended as you feel.
Maybe he hasn't stopped to consider that he isn't seeing the home that you share as your home as well as his home? Maybe he is only thinking about ensuring his daughters want to be with him? Maybe, depending on how long he and his ex have been separated, he feels guilty about breaking up the family they knew and is trying to soften the blow to them?
If your relationship is to last, the home you two share needs to be a welcoming place for all of your children. They are all strangers to each other so yes there will be some awkwardness to overcome. But in order to overcome that, they all need experience in being together.
Try to show your concern for his daughters as well as your son. But to ask you to send your son elsewhere, in the absence of totally disruptive behavior, which isn't the case here, is unfair and hurtful.
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I think it is very unfair. He is asking you to do exactly what he doesn't want to do himself.
You should have a quiet sit-down with him and explain that to be a successful blended family, there will be times it's awkward. Is there enough room? Maybe you two should come up with a plan for sleeping, bathroom and entertainment that would make things easier. i.e. a basket for each child's bathroom things they can take with them when they shower; a plan for who sleeps where so there aren't uncomfortable changing situations. For entertainment have a large puzzle set up on a table off to the side or plan an evening for board games - those are great ice breakers and an easy way for everyone to join in without being uncomfortable. It offers everyone a chance to get to know each other without pressure.
So you can spend time with everyone as a family, how about Christmas dinner catered or pay a friend to make it and join you.
As to the girls not pitching in, simply ask as if you expected it to be done. "Sally, Molly, would you please clean your bathroom? Since you two are the only ones who use it, I'm sure you don't mid pitching in! Thanks!" If they grumble ignore it. If they refuse, then don't cook dinner. If they seem surprised that laundry isn't done remind them that everyone pitches in in a family and if they don't feel the need to do anything, you don't either!
Obviously all of this would need to be agreed upon with your husband. You can say doing everything has just gotten to be too much and chores are usually expected of children - they are family, not guests.
You should have a quiet sit-down with him and explain that to be a successful blended family, there will be times it's awkward. Is there enough room? Maybe you two should come up with a plan for sleeping, bathroom and entertainment that would make things easier. i.e. a basket for each child's bathroom things they can take with them when they shower; a plan for who sleeps where so there aren't uncomfortable changing situations. For entertainment have a large puzzle set up on a table off to the side or plan an evening for board games - those are great ice breakers and an easy way for everyone to join in without being uncomfortable. It offers everyone a chance to get to know each other without pressure.
So you can spend time with everyone as a family, how about Christmas dinner catered or pay a friend to make it and join you.
As to the girls not pitching in, simply ask as if you expected it to be done. "Sally, Molly, would you please clean your bathroom? Since you two are the only ones who use it, I'm sure you don't mid pitching in! Thanks!" If they grumble ignore it. If they refuse, then don't cook dinner. If they seem surprised that laundry isn't done remind them that everyone pitches in in a family and if they don't feel the need to do anything, you don't either!
Obviously all of this would need to be agreed upon with your husband. You can say doing everything has just gotten to be too much and chores are usually expected of children - they are family, not guests.
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if he just sugested it then tell hin thats ok I think everybody will get along fine,
I think his difficult daughter is causing this.
I think his difficult daughter is causing this.
Thank you for all your replies. After again discussing he says it was wrong of him and came out wrong regarding christmas and if I want to have my son here then I certainly should, so a u turn. But in the meantime it has come to light that his nephew is getting married in 4 months and now this is causing problems!! The girls mother - his ex wife - knew his family for 25 years and the problem is that we cant both be at the wedding so he has basically asked me that if it comes to it that I 'step back' and take the moral higher ground for the sake of the girls, as they will be upset if their mother cannot be at the wedding. I replied that I was now his partner and it is HIS nephew getting married so surely I would be asked. He said probably but most likely she will be too and one of us has to back down. After everything I am exhausted and furious. I would step back for the sake of the girls but am tired of it all, have we any hope? and can i really end an otherwise good relationship because of a wedding ... but it is the principle, coupled with already having been upset about christmas, (which ironically is ok now..)...
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Who says you can't both be at the wedding? I've never heard of such a thing. He should be taking his new woman to the wedding, and if the ex won't go because of that, well that's her problem. And if his invitation specifies only him, well, I wouldn't go under those circumstances.
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