[coconutz]

My ex husband and I started dating at 15, had a child at 18, married at 21 and divorced at 31. We were always the best of friends, the picture perfect couple n church and out-until he had a year long affair,then the downward spiral began. I threatened to leave, he became abusive, I started cheating as well..you name it. We finally split in 07. He eventually gave into the rage of me leaving him by assulting a guy I was seeing. He is now in jail and I am living in another state. I'm now remarried with a toddler. Until the affair happened my ex was a VERY good husband, father, and provider. We attented church reg. and had weekly bible study at home etc. The guy Im married to now is a drug addict who basically has a good heart but way to many issues. I found out about his addiction while I was 6 months preg. aprx. a year before we married. So I knew going in but 1. I was scared of being alone and 2.I thought this was what I deserved after leaving my ex. Now that Im over the hurt of the affair I want my ex hubby back. Life is miserable without him. We had 11 wonderful years before the trouble. We've been together practically our whole lives.#confused

 

[kipani]

You're still pining for a man who cheated on you and whom you cheated on. Not to mention was ABUSIVE!!!! Abuse only gets worse throughout the relationship - verbal AND physical. You cheated as a way to get back at him.
You're seeing the Grass is Greener because you're probably resentful of your new husband already for keeping his addiction a secret, but to me sounds like he's a MUCH better pick than the last one. You didn't really name his issues though.

I suggest you stick with your current husband and try to work your problems out with him. He's never cheated on you, you never mentioned abusive. He has a good heart and he loves you so I'm thinking he'll be willing to try to quit his habit for you.

Sounds like you're just looking for justification to leave a decent guy. By the way, what drugs?

 

[forevermemorable]

Unlike the previous post before me, I think you should go back to your first husband, if you truly can reconcile your differences and can communicate with each other, your needs, wants, and desires and start to play that out as a couple.

I firmly believe that God does not embrace your second marriage. Yes, we know that God hates divorce. "But, He allows it in the case of adultery" you might say. You are right, but that is NOT His heart! Let me repeat that...divorce is NOT God's plan or desire. God's desire is that all should be saved, but does His desire come to pass...no. Just the same with divorce...there is God's desire and there is man's free will to accept His desires or reject them. In the case of adultery, God permits divorce because of the "hardness of man's hearts" but God is not hardened. God would have all adulteress marriages to be together...its called forgiveness! Has not God told us to forgive one another and not hold a grudge or be bitter with another? So why look at adultery any different than lets say someone stole from you or lied to you. What is the remedy of those actions...you forgive! Its all the same. Can you two truly forgive the way God would have you forgive? If you can do this, than get back together.

Oh but wait...you are in a current marriage with a child on the way...tough call. It sounds like you and your first husband are Christians...I believe this second marriage is a curse unto God. In fact, I believe the second marriage in an adulteress marriage. Do you feel that way? Do you feel as though you are doing something wrong or living a lie or not living the way God had intended you to live? I am NOT dogmatic on this and these are my feelings and views. I say that, because I don't want you to do something that God would not have you do. And with that being said, I would invite you to do some really hard soul searching and ask the Lord would His will is. This is a really BIG time in your life (yet again), but don't make any choices without first hearing from the Lord with how you ought to respond. If you seek Him, He will answer. Seek Him in prayer, reading the Bible, fasting, counseling with a pastor, etc. If you invest the time to find this answer with the Lord, I can guarantee you (the Bible guarantees you) that you will get an answer...it will come to you as that still small voice and you will have a peace from God that will surpass all understanding, which will guard your heart in the choice that you need to make (Philippians 4:6-7).

I will be praying for you.

 

[that_girl]

Wow. We don't even know what God wants or doesn't want. To say or presume WHAT God wants is rude. God knows you. God knows your heart.

I would say, your 2nd marriage is failing because you didn't know him, got pregnant and then felt you had to marry him. It's nothing to do with what God wants. You made bad choices. It's ok. We all do at some point.

 

[Mark72]

I don't know if I would say to go back to your ex. If there was no physical abuse it would be a different story. But if he is a danger to you and/or your children, I wouldn't think that would be a good idea. Whatever your decision, if Christ is not at the center of your marriage the whole time (For BOTH of you) then there is no point even thinking about going back to him.

 

[ShawnD]

Wow. We don't even know what God wants or doesn't want.

Don't feel left out. You can get a taste of what it feels like to personally talk to god just by watching this short video: talking to god

I firmly believe that God does not embrace your second marriage

Except for all the times that he does.
Lamech - 2 wives
Abraham - 2 wives
Ashur - 2 wives
Elkanah - 2 wives

Isaac and Ishmael were the children of Abraham's second wife, Hagar.
The funny part is that most paintings about Abraham and his wives depict Abraham as an old man but both of his wives are young. It's almost like a 36 year old man sleeping with 15 year olds, but it was all good because Sarah was so beautiful that even the pharoh of Egypt shagged her.

God's desire is that all should be saved

And we are. That was the whole point of Jesus dying. Jesus will stay dead even if the OP has 6 or 7 husbands.

The guy Im married to now is a drug addict

This could mean a lot of things. Addicted to marijuana is not a big deal. Addicted to heroin is a really big deal. What is he on?

 

[YinPrincess]

If our destinies are pre-determined, it would seem obvious to me that "God" has steered you into the life of your second husband for a REASON.

ShawnD brought up a good question... What is your 2nd husband addicted to??
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[Maricha75]

Don't feel left out. You can get a taste of what it feels like to personally talk to god just by watching this short video: talking to god



Except for all the times that he does.
Lamech - 2 wives
Abraham - 2 wives
Ashur - 2 wives
Elkanah - 2 wives

Isaac and Ishmael were the children of Abraham's second wife, Hagar.
The funny part is that most paintings about Abraham and his wives depict Abraham as an old man but both of his wives are young. It's almost like a 36 year old man sleeping with 15 year olds, but it was all good because Sarah was so beautiful that even the pharoh of Egypt shagged her.


And we are. That was the whole point of Jesus dying. Jesus will stay dead even if the OP has 6 or 7 husbands.


This could mean a lot of things. Addicted to marijuana is not a big deal. Addicted to heroin is a really big deal. What is he on?

Ishmael was Hagar's son. Isaac was the son of his first wife, Sarah. Hagar wasn't officially his wife. She was his concubine. He did have a second wife, though...and they had sons as well.

Also, regarding Forevermemorable's post... I couldn't disagree more about God recognizing second marriages! My dad is my mom's second husband. Her first husband cheated on her and got another woman pregnant. I really don't believe that God doesn't recognize my parents' marriage.

 

[mel123]

OP You should have R or D with your first H, not have a revenge affair to cause him emotional pain. But that's the past and can not be changed.....What makes you think your EX H would want to get back together with you, even if you do?

This doesn't sound very fair to your present H.

 

[YinPrincess]

Also, regarding Forevermemorable's post... I couldn't disagree more about God recognizing second marriages! My dad is my mom's second husband. Her first husband cheated on her and got another woman pregnant. I really don't believe that God doesn't recognize my parents' marriage.

I am also the product of a second marriage (my dad, my mom's first and only) and I agree with you.
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[heavensangel]

I believe 'That Girl' said it best: God knows your heart!

Your personal relationship with God is exactly that: personal between you and Him. He created each of us as imperfect as we are with a purpose in mind. What that purpose is only YOU know/will find out. It's up to us individually to look to him to lead and guide us.

I also believe that second marriages are accepted/recognized by God. And I'm living proof of it. Since meeting my current H, God has showered more blessings on us than we could ever imagine. Have we had our share of difficulties, yes; but it was because we strayed from him....not HIM cursing our union. God is a loving God but he is also a just God and administers discipline when we need it. So to those of you concerned - don't be. Keep your focus on him, ask him to lead, guide, and direct you and He will take care of all you need. God Bless!!

 

[Hope Springs Eternal]

Wow. We don't even know what God wants or doesn't want. To say or presume WHAT God wants is rude. God knows you. God knows your heart.

I have this really thick book that tells me all about what God wants.

 

[danyan2001us]

Constantly seek God's enlightenment and be open to all possibilities.

 

[Serif]

Hey Coconutz. There are a few things going on here...

One is that both Christians and non seem to have a morbid fascination with a Christian's failure. One of the first things to leave a person's mouth when a Christian fails is, "I thought you were Christian."

Failure, yours or someone else's, doesn't negate your faith. Indeed, you must be resolute in deciding that another person's stupidity will NOT affect your faith. Their mistake, even though it may break your heart, cannot be allowed to change your relationship with your God.

Hopefully that was a little shot in arm, don't put your faith away for anybody.

On to divorce, remarriage, kids, etc. I really don't care what people say to justify, "But MY second, third, etc, marriage is ok to God, cause......" The issue with divorce isn't that God hates the people involved, he'll love you far deeper and longer than you can imagine. However, just because he loves you, doesn't mean he won't hate the things you do. Jesus says flat out that God hates divorce.
Frustratingly, hose who've been divorced persistently read, "God hates divorcees." Which he never has, doesn't, and never will. God hated, what your first husband did, he hated what you did. But it's done now, if indeed you have asked for his forgiveness, he gives it. It's not a magic formula though. "Jesus I'm sorry, please forgive me." Do it again, sorry, do it again, sorry. When God tells us to ask for forgiveness, it is to be repentant. To look at the failure, acknowledge it, and purposefully walk away from it. That is what God wants.
Regardless of the reason your are in this current marriage, you are in it. There is a song by Casting Crowns called "Slow Fade". There's a snippet of a line in it that says, "Daddy's never crumble in a day." Your first husband didn't just wake up and decide to screw around. There was a slow and steady fade. Gracefully, those fade outs work the other way too.

Love, true, forever, uncompromising, beautiful, Biblical love was NEVER simply about what we feel for the other person. It was about choice. The stubborn pursuit of another person's well being. So Coco, love your husband. and pray that through your grace, and your display of the Christ's love to a man who KNOWS he doesn't deserve, you may never feel like you can redeem yourself, but you have a chance to redeem him.

Peace to you sister

 

[heavensangel]

Your first husband didn't just wake up and decide to screw around. There was a slow and steady fade.

I agree with Serif except for the point one above. In most cases, this might be the case. With my exH, there was no 'Slow Fade'. Married to him for a little over 2 months when he decided out of the blue he wanted to invite a third party into our marriage bed. Not once before that did he EVER mention anything of the sort. When I refused to allow it, the verbal/emotional abuse began. Don't know for sure, but I believe he got his ideas from his brother - he and his wife were very much into porn, swinging, etc. Monkey see, monkey do kind of thing. Maybe he thought it was normal who knows or simply wanted what his brother had. Doesn't matter really - what I endured with him for over 9 years was uncalled for. I don't believe that's what GOD wants for a marriage. His heart breaks right along with ours. Without my faith in GOD, I don't know that I would have ever had the courage, strength to do what I did to save me and my 3 sons.

 

[Serif]

Angel, though your ex presented it suddenly doesn't mean it was a sudden thing.
Indeed, how violently he reacted to your refusal would indicate he thought about this a great deal. More than likely fantasized to the point of creating a sure reality in his mind. Your refusal would then create a break wherein his created reality no longer fit.
I'm terribly sorry he failed you.

 

[heavensangel]

Serif, Thank you for your kind words. GOD knew best as he gave me a second chance for love with the man of my dreams who in turn was also a fantastic step dad! The relationship he has with our sons today further reinforces for me that with God's help, I did do the right thing.

Fantasy is exactly what porn is'; the problem comes when those who use it want to make more of it than it really is.

 

[coconutz]

Wow thank you all for your comments. I will try to answer your questions as best I can remember them all. First let me say thank you Forevermemorable for your words, you truly hit the nail on the head. I am in this second marriage and I am trying really hard to make it work but something somewhere deep down inside is telling me im wrong. Problem is I have no clue how to fix this. I have prayed many times asking God to please show me a way out, If this is not what he has for me to please show me the door. I don't know. Perhaps I havent received an answer because God is waiting on me to have that hard talk with my current husband and tell him I was wrong for marrying him and that I don't belong here. In all honesty I believe I am to much of a coward to be that forthcoming. For Serif and Heavens Angel, you are correct I do believe that this affair was the end result of a slow fade beginning when he got out of the military and couldnt find work. He was depressed and I knew it. Years later after we talked about things he told me that the affair wasnt so much physical as it was mental. He said that this woman knew nothing of his failures and that he could put on this mask of success even if it was a lie. Weird thing is even after being without work for a year I still thought of him as the same super hero he had always been. Even weirder is that I found out about the affair 6 months into it and for the remaining 6 months we were together he would ask for me to pray with/for him because he couldnt stop seeing her.For Mee123 How do i know he would be willing to get back with me? Well he writes me constantly asking to get back together. In fact, when I told him I was pregnant and was scared because I found out the father was an addict his answer to me was to come back home and he would raise the child as his. And finally to all those who wanted to know my currnt husband is addicted to cocaine and has been since the early 90's

 

[YinPrincess]

Has he gotten sober yet? Is going to any programs for recovery?

Take to your second husband first and foremost. He deserves your respect and shouldn't be in the dark about how you're feeling.
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