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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So I've been on this site a lot lately but have been reluctant to post. The support here is amazing.

My main question is how do I implement the 180 as a Christian man who is called to love his non Christian wife. At this point all I can control is my behavior. I see the 180 as a good option but it just doesn't seem like loving my wife. I'm very conflicted. She is very in line with the definition of a WAW. I want to love her according to what the scripture commands in Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and allow God to save my marriage if that's his will.

I'm relying on my faith more than ever to give me strength in this season and trying to make the right moves.

Thanks in advance for the advice.
 

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From one Christian to another and from another who had a "Christian wife" abandon him: It was not you who asked for this. It just happened~ and it's your wife who is the author of it, and is therefore, not your fault.


The 180 might hurt, but its implementation might well prove fruitful, at least, in perhaps bringing her back to the bargaining table. But at least it's worth a try on your part.

Continue to be in prayer for her but right now that's all you can do. After all, she made the decision to leave you, and now that move of hers becomes her responsibility.

Best of luck to you, my friend!
 

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The 180 is to help you emotionally prepare for the possibility that your marriage will end. There is nothing in the 180 that is remotely abusive. Tough love resounds throughout the Bible, and that is exactly what the 180 reflects. You are working on your own emotional and psychological health to better yourself and absorb the pain your wife is inflicting on you.

Read the 180 list again. You can't go halfway with it. Try it. You might be surprised how it strengthens you.
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I googled this & thought I'd post it here - for reference...

Plan A vs. 180 Plan - Marriage Builders® Forums

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her/him around the house.

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in
your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue?
No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.

Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
PLAN A

"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you for the advice and simplyamorous thanks for posting the 180 here......I like that there are some things added to each part to clarify the rule. It's an amazing journey I'm on saving my family and all, would have never thought in a million years!! I will wait on the Lord!!
 

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I feel for you mvn. Implement the 180. Implementing it does not mean you stop loving. Merely stop catering to her wants and primarily meeting her needs.

Remember this the fruits of the holy spirit. Love, joy, peace, long suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. You can keep the fruits of the spirit and face the reality that this is beyond your control and she may not be coming back to you.
 

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A verse that was on my heart to share with you...

Isaiah 40:31, "But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint."
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
A verse that was on my heart to share with you...

Isaiah 40:31, "But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint."
Thanks for that and all the other heartfelt replies. Truly the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with.

When I can I'll give the specifics. I know this is where I need to be to get solid guidance.
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