[Linguist]

My stbxw moved out of the house a few months ag. We have a 3 year old we share 50/50 custody of. We have no legal agreements yet. She has chosen to waitress 2 nights a week and go on food stamps, is there a benefit to this for child support? From what I've read, she would be considered voluntarily under employed since she has a degree and is able bodied.

She has been recording our phone calls, plays a very passive/aggressive behavior role and is excellent at it. She moved in with some friends who have been very culpable in our split.

She lies so regularly I think it's just compulsive now, maybe pathological.

When she left she accused me of being emotionally abusive and then joined several dating sites a few days later without telling me. From some comments she made I figured out she might be interested in women at which point I asked her and now she says she is gay. She immediatly had ,e sign a statement/agreement that we could see other people and i wouldnt accuse her of adultry.

Our marriage counselor who is now my therapist told me that she is just trying to escape responsibility and the only time he saw me get angry was when she was distorting facts and attempting to elude accountability. That was a giant relief as she is very cunning and manipulative.

She doesn't pay rent and she has been skipping shifts at work, I'm picking up what is suppose to be her share of per school and a few other things

I found the strength to stand up to her now and will no longer be giving her any money until we have child support agreement in place. We don't want to waste money on court or lawyers although I've consulted several and feel confident she can't contest custody because I've been such an involved good father. She is all about money but we have little assets and just the house

I don't trust her for a second, I'm not attracted to her physically or emotionally and when that transformation took place, I was able to see her for what she is

Any insights or advice would be great

 

[Conrad]

Why are you paying her to leave you?

 

[Linguist]

Why are you paying her to leave you?

What do you mean? I'm trying to be reasonable but I feel at this point she is waaay out there and greedy as well totally irrational. I could be mistaken but isn't that what a welfare queen is? She stopped going to school for the next few months and I'm wondering if she did in order to qualify. I'm going to the State requirements to see if she lied, which comes easy to her.

 

[Conrad]

Your focus is entirely on her.

Yet, you subsidize her irresponsibility.

How is that helpful to you or her?

Do you think you're going to "nice" her out of this?

 

[Hermes]

What does it matter what she is doing? As you said, you have been a great father. She is obviously working less than she can, in a field that is below her education. So what? Don't give her any more of your hard earned money, even if it makes you feel you are being responsible or the bigger person. Get your focus where it belongs. You and your kid.

 

[Hermes]

Also, tell her to contact you via email or text only. This way YOU have a record of all things she is saying as well. Don't play her game.

 

[Linguist]

It's refreshing to hear that, really it is. She is so manipulative she will tell everyone I'm refusing to give her money blah blah and make me look like some a-hole who doesn't care about his kid or is being vindictive. But I've reached my limit, I mean come on, who does that? Food stamps, there are people out there who would love to have the opportunities afforded to a college graduate

I'm here asking because I'm struggling to be objective on this. She is 27 and I am 36, she is really intelligent but super cunning and her roommate is every bit as culpable in this mess. I just don't know where the middle is between reasonable support because of the circumstances and her just being manipulative and lazy or worse, trying to get as much child support as possible which is right up her style to do. Very very PA and an excellent researcher and planner

 

[Linguist]

Also, tell her to contact you via email or text only. This way YOU have a record of all things she is saying as well. Don't play her game.

I don't have any control over that but will try and insist on it by not engaging the subject. She has been recording phone calls and says things on the phone lik "you've kept me under your thumb for years" which couldn't be further from the truth, she is a very aggressive woman, and she joined dating sites days after moving out. Which doesn't really line up with the whole being a victim thing,mwhich she plays on a regular basis. Our marriage counselor who is now my therapist admitted this last wek that she distorts facts and lies to avoid responsibility. I have nothing, nothing to hide, no illegal activity or other people or abuse or anything. I'm an unusually involved father who has stayed employed the entire time of since my child was born with on year of exception wheni was a stay at home dad

I think she is just into immediate gratification and immature, sort of breaking out and not caring about how or what state her relationship is with me. Shenhasnkept my head spinning until recently when I began to stand up for myself

 

[spun]

If you have 50/50 parenting arrangement.

She is educated and employable.

Stop financing her single lifestyle.

Period.

Time for her to put her big girl pants on.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[DavidWYoung]

I made the same mistakes as you have when it came to the end of my marriage twenty years ago. Back then we did not have the information that is being given to you here. You do not have to be The better man right now. Now,right now, you have to save yourself! You are in danger of your STBXW running over your life! Go to a lawyer and find out your rights for you and your baby. If you can not afford a lawyer, go to legal aid, if not that, go to google and type in as many key words that fit your situation.Good Luck David

 

[Linguist]

I know I'm not obligated by law unless there is a court order, and you're all correct in your assessment, I agree she should do what most normal people do and be a responsible adult. I have no influence there and I have no residual emotional feelings other than I have no idea who this person is. The person I loved, in her historical role, hasn't existed for a long time. We have a short term marriage, 3 years, and we have agreed to file together but I won't agree on CS unless it's fair.

When a judge looks over the file I'd imagine any court or judge will ask why she isn't employed, as they can see through these things . . . I hope. I make a good living and my concern is a judge saying why aren't you helping out?

I don't have to worry about my child as I will provide what she needs and my stbxw does just fine and has financially stable parents who would fund her lawyer if need be. I'm close to tem but of course they'd side with their daughter in this case, I don't think they know her at all

So what are the risks in not giving money when your spouse is doing tis?

 

[Conrad]

If she moved out and you are maintaining the marital home, the risks are minimal.

Establishing a precedent for you paying her monthly IS risky.

I'd advise you to speak with an attorney.

Time to stand up to her.