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When a WS is dumped by their AP and then tries to reconcile with their BS, do they only do so because they no longer have a shot with their AP? Are they then on the look-out for a new AP?

I’m sure the answer would vary, considering individuals are different. But I’m thinking a lot of WS only decide to reconcile with their BS because of losing their AP.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has any insight, WS or BS.

I’m not here to start a war, I’m just very curious if anyone actually decides they love their BS more than their AP and doesn't just pick them as the default option when things don't work out with the AP. Grasping at straws in my own situation, I suppose.
 

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But I’m thinking a lot of WS only decide to reconcile with their BS because of losing their AP.
It's called Plan B.

But IMO it is more than that. The cheater is with the AP because there is some VERY STRONG emotional or physical need not being met. In the fog, the cheater cannot see what they are losing by cheating. Once dumped by the AP, the cheater - now out of the fog - might see all the "good" things in the current relationship and want to "go home".

Or, it could be that they just have nowhere else to sleep since the AP kicked them out.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
It's called Plan B.

But IMO it is more than that. The cheater is with the AP because there is some VERY STRONG emotional or physical need not being met. In the fog, the cheater cannot see what they are losing by cheating. Once dumped by the AP, the cheater - now out of the fog - might see all the "good" things in the current relationship and want to "go home".

Or, it could be that they just have nowhere else to sleep since the AP kicked them out.
As the BS, does one ever truly know which one it is? Does the reason matter when it comes to reconciliation?
 

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Personally, i would never settle for being someone's second choice, or their plan b. I have enough respect for myself that i couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone knowing that they were looking at me thinking they would rather have someone else.
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I am totally guessing here and these are just my thoughts, but I would suspected that most cheaters do not expect to or want to leave their marriage. Otherwise, they would divorce and just move on. You can read here many stories of how the affair "just happened". Starts with talking/chatting, then flirting, then lunches, then maybe EA and eventually PA. Not same formula every time but you get the idea. Then, once the affair is exposed or ended by the AP, the cheater goes "Oh Sh!t" and wants to go home.
 

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When a WS is dumped by their AP and then tries to reconcile with their BS, do they only do so because they no longer have a shot with their AP? Are they then on the look-out for a new AP?

I’m sure the answer would vary, considering individuals are different. But I’m thinking a lot of WS only decide to reconcile with their BS because of losing their AP.

I’d love to hear from anyone who has any insight, WS or BS.

I’m not here to start a war, I’m just very curious if anyone actually decides they love their BS more than their AP and doesn't just pick them as the default option when things don't work out with the AP. Grasping at straws in my own situation, I suppose.
Perhaps the BS would have a better chance at reconciliation if the WS dumps their AP and not the other way around.
 

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My ex had cheated on me nearly a decade ago, the first time, with her ex bf, emotionally online then it became ( Most likely) physical after they spent time together in person.. Plans were laid, among other things lol, and had certain things gone down differently they would have ended up together. Even after D-day she was still ever cheating with hi,, just better at hiding it, which continued for well over a year. Since I have a very good memory I was able to pinpoint in retrospect the times she was uncannily affectionate to the times when him and her weren't getting along. When he ignored her, she was highly loving, when they fought, she was highly loving...

So using my experience and most peoples testimonies here and elsewhere, most cases of Reconciliation are based on the AP ending the affair.
 

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Quite frankly very few times does the WS come back period. They leave because they truly believe, and may be right that they no longer love the betrayed spouse. If they get dumped by their AP, they simply go searching for another.

It's not that different from when you are in a relationship with someone and the decision is made to breakup. Once you break up, you go out and search for someone else.

Same here. That's why they are X boyfriends/girlfriends/lovers/ SO/ husband/wife etc. very few get back with an X period. You simply move on to another relationship that doesn't have baggage. A clean slate so to speak.
 
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A WS choosing his or her BS only after being dumped by his or her AP is a meaningless gesture.

Don't ever be anyone's "Plan B".
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This is so silly but every time I hear the expression "Plan B," I think back to the 60's when my parents took us to a Chinese restaurant to eat.

The menu would say:

Choose one from Column A and choose two from Column B

Column A had lobster and shrimp dishes

Column B had tofu and bean sprout dishes

66, never ever allow yourself to be a sprout !! :wink2:
 

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they want to have it all.

they want their baby father (or baby mother), they want their life stability, the paycheck, the social appearances.

but they also want that thrill, that adrenaline, that excitement and feeling like a 16 year old again.

they're just not mature or strong enough to face the realities of life and the longer view of what true love is.

it's about endurance and cheaters don't usually have enough of it.
 

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I'm not sure if this applies to your situation exactly but it may help give insight-

We were together 12 years at the time (married 7) I had been telling H repeatedly how lonely and invisible I felt in the marriage. I had told him jokingly "if some guy even looked me in the eye while I talked to him I'd be ripe for an affair…he laughed.

I am not blaming BS. I should have gone to IC/MC, I could have filed for divorce or initiated a separation so that he knew how serious I was. I didn't. I chose to have an A and that is all on me. I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I quit my AP while still in the fog - I kept thinking life would be perfect if I could just have both. I'd be so happy….Classic cake eater stuff. This made me realize I didn't love the AP -I loved H. It was not really the AP i wanted -it was what the AP was giving me that I wanted from H. I knew the chemical stuff was just a giant bonus that would wear off eventually.

IMHO a wayward has the potential to recognize intellectually what is going on and why. The difficult part is giving up the chemicals and learning to communicate effectively so that you can meet each others needs within the marriage. Exposure and MC/IC helps speed this up. I think it is possible to fall in love again with your spouse.
 

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A WS choosing his or her BS only after being dumped by his or her AP is a meaningless gesture.

Don't ever be anyone's "Plan B".
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It would also depend on the reason why your WP dumped the AP. If because the AP refused to drop their other activity, if you know what I mean, well, that's just as empty a gesture.
 

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My FWH dumped his POSOW and she reconciled with her husband. That said...this woman has been trying to get out of her marriage using this method for years. She admitted to my WH that he was her THIRD affair. After he dumped her, she played the suicidal card, which didn't work, and she stayed with her husband...and has since had at least one more A that I know of for sure, and she's still home. She's trying to get a meal ticket out of her current situation. She targeted my H all the way. She had been a friend of my SIL, and saw my H mowing the grass, shirtless, when they visited my MIL, and she stole his number from SIL's phone. They had met casually, but then she found some excuse to need to call him to fix something, then got my SIL to invite her FAMILY out with a multi-family camping trip. After her H got drunk and passed out she pointed out his alcoholism and played all "whoa-is-me" damsel in distress and slithered in under "friend" status. By the time my SIL figured out what was going on, it was too late. This woman can't survive financially on her own, but instead of getting a room mate, divorcing her husband, and finding a nice single man, she keeps targeting married men to build up her self-esteem? Post-fog, my FWH shakes his head in disbelief that he was even capable of hurting me that way, and for such a wh0re.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
I'm not sure if this applies to your situation exactly but it may help give insight-

We were together 12 years at the time (married 7) I had been telling H repeatedly how lonely and invisible I felt in the marriage. I had told him jokingly "if some guy even looked me in the eye while I talked to him I'd be ripe for an affair…he laughed.

I am not blaming BS. I should have gone to IC/MC, I could have filed for divorce or initiated a separation so that he knew how serious I was. I didn't. I chose to have an A and that is all on me. I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I quit my AP while still in the fog - I kept thinking life would be perfect if I could just have both. I'd be so happy….Classic cake eater stuff. This made me realize I didn't love the AP -I loved H. It was not really the AP i wanted -it was what the AP was giving me that I wanted from H. I knew the chemical stuff was just a giant bonus that would wear off eventually.

IMHO a wayward has the potential to recognize intellectually what is going on and why. The difficult part is giving up the chemicals and learning to communicate effectively so that you can meet each others needs within the marriage. Exposure and MC/IC helps speed this up. I think it is possible to fall in love again with your spouse.
It's hard to say what fits my situation as the only words I have are from my WH and the OW (yes, I contacted her). So is it believable?

They both say they stopped talking about being together and were just talking about casual "how are you doing" stuff and stopped talking completely shortly after that. They were communicating frequently at first, then little by little they would take longer to respond, and eventually they both sort of just stopped pursuing. I'm guessing she finally had enough of the game and he says he was relieved when she stopped emailing him.

This was all happening while we were about 5 sessions into therapy after he told me he wanted to leave. At that point, we seemed to be making progress on our relationship issues. I want to believe that him not trying to continue contacting her means that he made a (somewhat passive-aggressive) decision to let it go too. I want to believe that the progress we were making was helping him see that things could get better with us and we could stop failing at our relationship.

But I also know he's a liar, considering that he had an affair.
 

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Quite frankly very few times does the WS come back period. They leave because they truly believe, and may be right that they no longer love the betrayed spouse. If they get dumped by their AP, they simply go searching for another.

It's not that different from when you are in a relationship with someone and the decision is made to breakup. Once you break up, you go out and search for someone else.

Same here. That's why they are X boyfriends/girlfriends/lovers/ SO/ husband/wife etc. very few get back with an X period. You simply move on to another relationship that doesn't have baggage. A clean slate so to speak.
I believe this. :iagree:

When my XWW was dumped by her posOM, she just went on and began searching for the next adventure. I doubt my XWW will ever try to come back. For to do this would mean she would have to face the destruction that she left in her wake and actually do a whole lot of work on herself...a lot of slate cleaning. She is far to lazy commit to years of honesty, open communication and hard work. She, as most WS's, would rather take the easy road, filled with the romantic notions that their true soul-mate is still out there somewhere. For my XWW, attempting to come back would also be a public admission that she was wrong. She is way to narcissistic to ever admit failure.

I also think it is normal that when most WW's to fall out of love and never return. It does seem that more WH's are willing to consider their BS's as plan B and attempt a come-back.
 
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