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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I'm 35 and wife is 36 over the past few years of our marriage every year or so we had been discussing the possibility of having a child. Both of our parents don't pressure us to do it (for me its even more fortunate due to my ethnicity while i m the only son, for my W her brothers had children so she had no pressure to do so).

Back to the point, the last time we consider to have a child was 18 months ago, both of us do lots of research. My wife does the pregnancy, baby furniture and finding childcare and school, while i had research the financial implications of having a child as well as funding for the child's education in the far future as well as our after child sexlife (we notice that sexlife drops by 80% after having a child). Our parents are offering their help if we really plan to have a child.

Even though we had a detail plan of our future having a child our relation strains because of the complications of our plan. We eventually start arguing from small things to more important aspects. After planning for 2 months both of us cracked and start throwing and screaming, thus we had to live in separate rooms for a week. After that we had make-up sex (sex heals relationships!) we agree that we will scrap the whole thing since if planning of having a child strains our marriage that bad already and what happened after having a child!

Thus both of us are happy and (proudly)childless

So for all married couples do you feel the need and pressured to have a child?

If you had a child (or not) will you ever regret it?

p.s i m not sure should this thread be staying in general relationship discussion page if so then can any of the moderators move it to the relevant discussion page? thanks
 

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When we got married and bought our first house we bought it with the expectation of kids. We decided we wouldn't have children when she 36 and I was 30, that was 14 years ago. No regrets. We still occasionally talk about it and, while we can't be sure, think if we had kids they would have pulled us apart rather than brought us tother.

The closest I've come to regret is when I melted when I saw a photo here of a mom and her son in Halloween costumes as Calvin and Hobbes (w/o kids I had to google "boy and tiger cartoon"). It wasn't the child that made me melt, it was the look on his mother's face.
 

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Since you are both happy to be childless then I think you're OK. It's if one of you wants a kid and the other doesn't that you have a problem.

It sounds, though, that deep down, you both want kids. Why else would you be researching this to death. Maybe you're trying to find all the reasons why you shouldn't have a kid and rationalizing that college costs and other inconveniences make it not worth it. It doesnt' really come down to dollars and cents. You can't put a price on a kid.

I'm biased because I have 3 young boys and it's expensive and frustrating and all that stuff, but that comes with the territory along with unconditional love, happiness, and very expanded network of friends and activities, and re-living a childhood by going to zoos and amusement parks, and things you'd never do without kids.

Although it does seem that sex diminishes with kids, it doesn't always. Maybe you'll try harder to make sure it doesn't.

And it's hard to think now about the far future, but kids then grandkids really make for a full life.
 

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My wife is unable to have kids but back when we were first married 7 years ago we tried anyway with a few rounds of fertility treatments, and when that didn't work we spent a few years trying to adopt but found it to be very complicated and very expensive. So as time went on and I reached my mid 40's(I'm 46.50 right now)my desire to have kids all went out the window, but her being 6 years younger than me the desire was still there so my decision angered and saddened her pretty much. But now she is getting a little better about it and I keep trying to show her all the positive pros about not having any kids.
 

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No one should allow themselves to be pressured into having children. If you and your wife are happy to remain child-free you're entitled to do so.
 

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Well I cannot speak for other people, but here is some of my story . I think it has a lesson

When we married I was quite happy not to have children. I had too many problems of my own. DW talked me round though, so we started to try. No joy. We were told we were infertile.

But yesterday evening I sat and watched as our daughter sang on stage with Andrea Bocelli in front of an audience of more than 10,000 people. I cannot tell you how proud I was of her.

She was the product of a very difficult pregnancy which saw her born over three months early, spend a long time on a ventilator and on oxygen. We did not know if she would survive.

And yet here she is 22 years on, healthy and with a wonderful singing voice (also unexpected).

During her fight for life one piece of music which comforted me was Nessun Dorma - 'vincero' (I will win) just seemed so right.
What piece of music did the concert finish with? yes. of course, it was Nessun Dorma. I was in tears.

We are so blessed.

What conclusion do I draw? Life is beautiful and so much bigger and more mysterious than we can ever imagine. We make our plans and God laughs.
 

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When you are in your 20's and 30's the thought of having children is an awesome and wonderful idea, but as you get into your 40's and beyond that idea sounds like a big pain in the azz and one big headache.
 

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There are all kinds of practical reasons not to have children. People have them despite that because they feel the need to be parents. If you don't feel that need, then no, you won't regret it.

Be prepared for your wife's hormone rush as she gets closer to 40, though. I swear a woman's body knows when she's nearing the end of her fertility period and sends out hormones to make her want a baby or feels the need to have one.

My bf and I are mid-40s and neither of us has kids. We don't regret it, for the most part. He never wanted to be a dad, and I would have wanted to be a mom if I didn't actually have to raise the kids for 20 years.
 

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I knew from a very young age that I would have kids. My nieces and nephews were a huge part of my life when I was in high school. If I would not have been able to have my kids (whether they were biological or adopted, it didn't matter), I would have been devastated. They are my life and every reason I look forward to another day.

All of my teachers thought I was crazy when we would do career building. They would tell me I had to have some sort of career desire. All I ever wanted to be was a mother. Now I have 3 amazing, smart, beautiful kids, and a great husband.

Plus, who is going to take care of you when your older?;)
 

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Discussion Starter #11
It sounds, though, that deep down, you both want kids. Why else would you be researching this to death. Maybe you're trying to find all the reasons why you shouldn't have a kid and rationalizing that college costs and other inconveniences make it not worth it. It doesn't really come down to dollars and cents. You can't put a price on a kid.
well the truth is that i want a child more than my wife, i have pressured myself to do it because my family-line is in a full decline (btw i'm a chinese) all my relatives are old and childless. Eventhough i had stressed that my parents don't really care that whether i had a child or not, i had sometimes pressure myself to do so. Thus me and my W had start formulate a plan and the planning process is straining our relationship! (we argue more and eventually we cracked by screaming and throwing, it took 2 or 3 months to forgive each other and ultimately deciding not have kids)

And yes i actually had calculated the cost of bearing a child (around 500k before inflation kicks in, and thats not private schooling only public!) the cost is also one of the factors. There are times that money will ultimately decides whether you want a child or not, thats why some places had low fertility rates like HongKong (where i come from and being childless is norm there)

p.s List of sovereign states and dependent territories by fertility rate - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (just to have a look)

I'm biased because I have 3 young boys and it's expensive and frustrating and all that stuff, but that comes with the territory along with unconditional love, happiness, and very expanded network of friends and activities, and re-living a childhood by going to zoos and amusement parks, and things you'd never do without having children.

Although it does seem that sex diminishes with kids, it doesn't always. Maybe you'll try harder to make sure it doesn't.

And it's hard to think now about the far future, but kids then grandkids really make for a full life.
Sometimes it tickles my mine with activities like these especially when we saw the photos of my nephews (my W side). It melts my heart a-bit and had some form of regret into it. Hence i had made this thread for a discussion.

Well I cannot speak for other people, but here is some of my story . I think it has a lesson

When we married I was quite happy not to have children. I had too many problems of my own. DW talked me round though, so we started to try. No joy. We were told we were infertile.

But yesterday evening I sat and watched as our daughter sang on stage with Andrea Bocelli in front of an audience of more than 10,000 people. I cannot tell you how proud I was of her.

She was the product of a very difficult pregnancy which saw her born over three months early, spend a long time on a ventilator and on oxygen. We did not know if she would survive.

And yet here she is 22 years on, healthy and with a wonderful singing voice (also unexpected).

During her fight for life one piece of music which comforted me was Nessun Dorma - 'vincero' (I will win) just seemed so right.
What piece of music did the concert finish with? yes. of course, it was Nessun Dorma. I was in tears.

We are so blessed.

What conclusion do I draw? Life is beautiful and so much bigger and more mysterious than we can ever imagine. We make our plans and God laughs.
i nearly cried with tears by your experience, i know some couples despite their infertility they manage to have an amazing child (deep inside my heart i might actually be regretting it or i just need to do some soul-searching)

All of my teachers thought I was crazy when we would do career building. They would tell me I had to have some sort of career desire. All I ever wanted to be was a mother. Now I have 3 amazing, smart, beautiful kids, and a great husband.
you must be a one rare women in the pack, wanting to have kids.... most of my female friends are in LTR but they don't want to have kids as early as secondary. Btw not everyone wants to be a mother or a parent.

one small thing: My parents actually had me is because i can be taken care of by my grandparents (strict) and domestic servants while my parents can concentrate on their careers. No wonder i m the only youngest family member because my relatives just cannot afford the cost bearing a child

Plus, who is going to take care of you when your older?;)
You are even more traditional than i do, true, whos going to take care of you when you are older but the point is that nowdays that your kids cannot not take care of themselves in the first place (inequality, lack of social mobility, "real" wage stagnation over the decade)

and also most adults should be financially responsible for their retirement not relying on you children or government handouts
(i had my retirement plan in place when i start dating my W years ago)
 

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It's not so much about being literally taken care of as having more close connections as you get old. If you don't have children, I think you need to work really hard to build those bonds with nieces, nephews, godchildren etc so that when you are in your 80s there will be people who love you and who remember you with gratitude.

Yesterday I took my two daughters to visit my grandparents who are in their 80s. I love my grandparents very much, they were important parts of my childhood. They have three adult children, as well as all their grandchildren, who are there to help with doctors, organising house moves and pensions, picking them up and taking them to events so it's easier for them to remain involved with life.

They have each other still and friends, but it life would be more difficult and have less fun in it if they hadn't had their children.

I'm not saying that's a reason to have children if you don't want them at all, but it's a consideration. and start building those bonds elsewhere.
 

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My husband is 35, and I am 39. We don't have children together. I have a son from my previous marriage.

I enjoyed my life with a child, and I also enjoy my life without a child now.

My husband has always been happy without a child in his life.

Without having children, we have lots of freedom. Walking around the apartment naked, having sex at any time we want, going out at any time we want, and etc.

We can also save more money because we don't have to spend money on children, and that money can be our old age security.

We have thought about getting old and no one is there looking after us. So first of all, we have to look after our health right now. When you are old and healthy, it's OK. Maybe things don't happen the way we want, but how many children look after their old parents now? And we also know we have to look after each other very well since we don't have children. It helps us build up a strong marriage because we know we need each other.

The only annoying thing is when we talk to people, people keep on suggesting that we should have children.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
It's not so much about being literally taken care of as having more close connections as you get old. If you don't have children, I think you need to work really hard to build those bonds with nieces, nephews, godchildren etc so that when you are in your 80s there will be people who love you and who remember you with gratitude.

Yesterday I took my two daughters to visit my grandparents who are in their 80s. I love my grandparents very much, they were important parts of my childhood. They have three adult children, as well as all their grandchildren, who are there to help with doctors, organising house moves and pensions, picking them up and taking them to events so it's easier for them to remain involved with life.

They have each other still and friends, but it life would be more difficult and have less fun in it if they hadn't had their children.

Great advice Lyris!

I'm not saying that's a reason to have children if you don't want them at all, but it's a consideration. and start building those bonds elsewhere.
Yeah thats what me and my w are doing right now with her nephews they are quite smart too....... and also we can build bonds between both of our families as well since my parents kinda like my w's nephews. It really gives a more secured bond between both of our families which in-turn a better marriage and ultimately we can have our nephews visiting us when we get older sometime in the future (one stone three birds i guess:D)

My husband is 35, and I am 39. We don't have children together. I have a son from my previous marriage.

I enjoyed my life with a child, and I also enjoy my life without a child now.

My husband has always been happy without a child in his life.

Without having children, we have lots of freedom. Walking around the apartment naked, having sex at any time we want, going out at any time we want, and etc.

We can also save more money because we don't have to spend money on children, and that money can be our old age security.
Hey thats what me and my wife were saying to our friends why we don't have children! But come-on you still had a child from your ex so that might not count that you "don't" have a child or childless unless you are cruel enough to disown him! (just kidding! ha!)

btw how old's your son anyway seems like your son was living with your ex-h at an young age and do you still had a good relation with your ex-h as a co-parent? (just askin you don't need to answer it if you think i m invading your privacy)

We have thought about getting old and no one is there looking after us. So first of all, we have to look after our health right now. When you are old and healthy, it's OK. Maybe things don't happen the way we want, but how many children look after their old parents now? And we also know we have to look after each other very well since we don't have children. It helps us build up a strong marriage because we know we need each other.
True i saw a comment saying the kids will take care of you in the future? pfffff..... in your dreams...... That's why i have a good bond to my w's nephews so they can visit us in the future.

The only annoying thing is when we talk to people, people keep on suggesting that we should have children.
you are 39 how the heck you can have children? (except some Chinese celebrities trying to have a child at 42 mentioned at apple daily the funniest news source ever you know what i mean)

well i can see a good difference between mainlander/taiwanese and hongkongians, its just that my family in Hk don't really pressure me to have a child at all since it is a norm already (only the rich had more than one)
 

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Yeah thats what me and my w are doing right now with her nephews they are quite smart too....... and also we can build bonds between both of our families as well since my parents kinda like my w's nephews. It really gives a more secured bond between both of our families which in-turn a better marriage and ultimately we can have our nephews visiting us when we get older sometime in the future (one stone three birds i guess:D)



Hey thats what me and my wife were saying to our friends why we don't have children! But come-on you still had a child from your ex so that might not count that you "don't" have a child or childless unless you are cruel enough to disown him! (just kidding! ha!)

btw how old's your son anyway seems like your son was living with your ex-h at an young age and do you still had a good relation with your ex-h as a co-parent? (just askin you don't need to answer it if you think i m invading your privacy)



True i saw a comment saying the kids will take care of you in the future? pfffff..... in your dreams...... That's why i have a good bond to my w's nephews so they can visit us in the future.



you are 39 how the heck you can have children? (except some Chinese celebrities trying to have a child at 42 mentioned at apple daily the funniest news source ever you know what i mean)

well i can see a good difference between mainlander/taiwanese and hongkongians, its just that my family in Hk don't really pressure me to have a child at all since it is a norm already (only the rich had more than one)
My son is 15 years old. He comes to visit us every Saturday. My ex and I are very peaceful with each other. My husband and my son have a very good relationship too. Everything is sweet! :)

My family has stopped questioning long time ago. My mother was concerned that my husband might leave me for not having a child together. You know Chinese culture, women need to have children to secure their marriages. Now they are not worried about it anymore.

As for other people, I have gotten used to it. Just need more smiles and patience! :)
 

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My son is 15 years old. He comes to visit us every Saturday. My ex and I are very peaceful with each other. My husband and my son have a very good relationship too. Everything is sweet! :)
i m really glad that all of you had worked out pretty well. Some divorce can be really nasty and the child might never see one of their parent again.......

My family has stopped questioning long time ago. My mother was concerned that my husband might leave me for not having a child together. You know Chinese culture, women need to have children to secure their marriages. Now they are not worried about it anymore.
pffff..... when i was married to my w (a Caucasian blonde :)) she was quite worried about that i will leave her for not having a child together...... she thought it was a Chinese thing. My parents (who are quite liberal and had a carefree attitude) assure my w that having a child is not compulsory but its a choice.

Interestingly even though my parents are quite carefree, a few years back when i go to my ancestral village back in the mainland when i had to "update" my family tree with me and my w's name in the "book" (don't know that its called:confused:). I discovered that i'm the last descendant of my family name in the HongKong branch (since most of my relatives are childless). The villagers on the other hand was shock not because i had a Caucasian wife (which is the first time ever in the village history) but because we had no child to continue the lineage.......

Those people are dead-on conservatives thinking that our marriage will be in tatters if my w can't produce a child.....:p yet my dad just don't care a thing despite the elders in the village pressure my dad to pressure me to pressure my wife to do so........:lol:

I submit to you that any couple who plans to have a child for 2 months and puts in the amount of thought and research you guys did will ultimately end up fighting about it.

You dont need to be THAT thorough. A lot of it is common sense.
Yeah........ both of us plan our stuff extensively partly because of our perspective jobs in the government (policy planning) with lots and lots of planning.

Before we were married we had planned our financial/asset allocation in our prenup agreement, after the marriage we plan our holidays to be perfect, plan our weekends (we pretty much plan everything, even our sexlife and role play..)

True it applies to common sense if we want to have a child but i guess our nature and our organizational behavior might affect the child even if we don't fight at all.....:eek:

maybe we are not really a parent material (maybe a good uncle and auntie material):D
 

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you are 39 how the heck you can have children? (except some Chinese celebrities trying to have a child at 42 mentioned at apple daily the funniest news source ever you know what i mean)
What do you mean "how can you have children" at 39?? I'm 37 and, had I not had a tubal ligation when my youngest was born, I most certainly could have a child now... I would just be considered high risk, or at least bordering on high risk. It's not impossible, even without fertility treatments, to have children in your late 30s/early 40s.

Now, when I was a teen, I swore I was NEVER having kids... now? I have 3, and I can't imagine my life without them. Never planned any of it out. If I had, there is no way I would be a mom. I wouldn't change it for anything.

But, if YOU don't want kids, don't give in to the pressure from family or anything.
 
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