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My husband and I married 5 years ago March. We started trying to concieve our first child when we got engaged 9 months before. We have suffered loss and struggled with infertility. I have reached the point where I don't think I have it in me to try anymore. I've stopped all medications that were meant to help us concieve and have a doctors appt to discuss birth control options. My husband really isn't wanting to stop trying, but he accepts that this is too much for me emotionally and that I want to take my life back. I have acceted that our life together will be a childless one, and was wondering if anyone was in a similar situation. Does the pain ever go away? Will I ever truly be okay with my decision? I'm overwhelmed, but less than while I was TTC.
 

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Have you ever thought about or looked into adoption?

I don't have experience with this myself, but have a number of relatives(2 aunts + a few cousins) who could never carry to term. All of them went to adoption in order to have the family they always wanted. My cousin just adopted twin boys who were premature, but they are the absolute sweetest little guys and well loved by their new adoptive family. My cousin loves these little boys like she would her own. It was difficult for her to accept not being able to have biological children, but she loves her new family all the same.
 

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I had two pregnancies. The first ended in a miscarriage in the 4th month. The second ended with the still birth of twins. I had a terrible infection after the second pregnany that lasted months. The infection rendered me unable to get pregnant.

4 years after the loss of the twins we put in for adoption at Catholic Social Services. 18 months later we took home a 10 day old baby boy. My son is 24 now. He's a handsome, intelligent, wonderful young man.

I highly suggest adoption.
 

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My husband and I married 5 years ago March. We started trying to concieve our first child when we got engaged 9 months before. We have suffered loss and struggled with infertility. I have reached the point where I don't think I have it in me to try anymore. I've stopped all medications that were meant to help us concieve and have a doctors appt to discuss birth control options. My husband really isn't wanting to stop trying, but he accepts that this is too much for me emotionally and that I want to take my life back. I have acceted that our life together will be a childless one, and was wondering if anyone was in a similar situation. Does the pain ever go away? Will I ever truly be okay with my decision? I'm overwhelmed, but less than while I was TTC.
I sorry to hear about your problems, that is a pain I can never fully imagine. My SIL is having a similar problem but some of her lifestyle choices may contribute. She tries to be super skinny and now has little body fat, smokes, drinks, does not cook and eats processed foods. Her pain is great but she is not giving up or giving up on enjoying what she has. Despite her acknowledging we all hold at least a little bit of prejudice in us she is starting to accept the notion of adoption.

Try to eat a healthy diet and enjoy your life. Anyone I know who has adopted children could not be happier. Make a difference in this world and be a parent to a child who needs the love you have to offer. Become a foster parent, scout leader or coach a sport.

Becoming a scout leader and teaching swim lessons have been some of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

Can I ask why you want to start birth control ? Sometimes not trying so hard is the solution. Shutting the door on all possibility is not always the best choice. Without hope for a better future it will not come.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Adoption isn't an option for us.

I'm starting birth control to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. I see any pregnancy at this point an unwanted pregnancy and just another miscarriage or chemical. Not trying isn't the answer for the truly infertile. When someone truly has a medical condition, no amount of relaxing or not trying is going to change facts.

Closing the door gives me closure. I do not want to continue my life constantly thinking about the possibility of pregnancy, miscarriage, what I can and cannot be doing etc. I don't see any hope for the future without closing this door.

I make a difference in this world in much different ways, and would never foster either. It's just not something I want and a part of my life.
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Adoption isn't an option for us.
I do feel there is a grieving that has to go forth before any couple can be prepared for adoption, it is not for everyone.

I'm starting birth control to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. I see any pregnancy at this point an unwanted pregnancy and just another miscarriage or chemical.
Have you had many miscarriages Tikii ? I didn't understand why you would want to do birth control but if you've had many losses, it makes sense. That is a roller coaster of emotions & grieving.

Not trying isn't the answer for the truly infertile. When someone truly has a medical condition, no amount of relaxing or not trying is going to change facts.
I used to want to slam dunk those who told me to "relax". I needed surgery to correct my issue... an exploratory Laparoscopy (my tubes were kinked- caused by adhesions).


I make a difference in this world in much different ways
That's all we're here for anyway...what is some of your passions- could you go to School, take a night class ...this life is so full of ways to connect & inspire ourselves & others, and find great fulfillment. And if you have nieces & nephews, this often helps a little of that nurturing we have pent up inside. A lady down the road from me, she is like so close with her niece, great bond, even greater than with her own Mom -so it seems.

My husband really isn't wanting to stop trying, but he accepts that this is too much for me emotionally and that I want to take my life back
Sounds like you have a great man there :smthumbup:
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I really don't think any amount of healing will ever make adoptionsomething we want to do. It's just not in the cards for us. If we are going to spend tens of thousands to have a child, we will spend that on fertility treatments such as IVF etc.

I've had one " confirmed miscarriage", three suspected miscarriages ( positive home tests, miscarriage like bleeding and symptoms) and a few chemical pregnancies. They all hurt the same.

I eventually will go back to school, but not right now. DH is currently on school and having us both in would be too much. We are both volunteer firefighters and officers within our department, I'm a paramedic and he is in paramedics school. It's something that consumes our lives outside of work, and we've dedicated our life to it.

I have a niece and nephew whom I've never met. I grew up not knowing I have a sister, and have only known about her for less than 2 years. I have not met her as she lives 1000 miles away. I have two brothers, one I have not met, the other has no children. I was raised as an only child. My husband's brothers have no children either. I do have my younger cousins who are very close, but have more of a sibling relationship with. I spoil them, but it isn't the same.

My husband is wonderful, but this breaks his heart and he still has hope.
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I struggled with infertility for three years. Eventually, it worked, but I can understand where you're coming from, because those three years were hard.

I don't really have any advice for you, just wanted to let you know I understand how hard that decision must be and I wish you healing and happiness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I struggled with infertility for three years. Eventually, it worked, but I can understand where you're coming from, because those three years were hard.

I don't really have any advice for you, just wanted to let you know I understand how hard that decision must be and I wish you healing and happiness.
Thanks

I don't know if I even remember correctly, but I didn't really even start to struggle until the beginning of year 3-4. The first 3 years or so were just "it hasn't happened yet". After about 4 years I started to accept that it wasn't likely going to happen. About 6 months ago, I think I really accepted that it never was going to happen.
 

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I apologize that my remarks offended you.
I didn't even notice you said that (but
)... this was many years ago...

I just know how I felt when others said those things, because I ,too knew it was more than just "relaxing"... there was a medical reason why I couldn't conceive, so pat suggestions....well, they were worth a dime a dozen... it only frustrates a struggling infertile couple. Walking those shoes...I just know of the sensitivity....

Never forgot this thread in Social - it also gives one some idea how our words, even if we don't realize it...can affect someone going through this...

 
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