[Maricha75]

Alphaomega, I am one of the ladies who actually agrees with Sam. I do agree with Blonde about one thing, though: the car payments. If they need a car that requires payments, it can come from the support payments he is sending. If that is unacceptable, then there should have been a cheaper car purchased, one that didn't require payments... or required shorter/smaller payments.

As far as moving 2 hours away, I'd say that all depends. If he could not live a short distance away, with just the money has left over after giving the support, then it makes sense to live 2 hours away, where he could (barely) afford. I can totally understand why he would move that far away. And, yet, he still made the effort to go to the important events. He's been there, even living 2 hours away. And, I'm sorry, but other divorced couples make it work for the kids, even being that far away. My aunt and her ex-husband did... and that was 6 hours round trip! Sam has been trying. His son has been rejecting SAM, EVEN BEFORE the stb-stepdaughter came into the picture.

So, no, I don't feel sorry for Sam's son at all. He has made his own choices. He knows Sam has been making the effort. He also knows that his mom and the kids have been using Sam as an ATM. So, now that he's an adult, he should have to make an effort, not just expect dad to fork it over. Sam pays health, dental, and vision insurance. That will likely continue, anyway, at least while the boy is in college. And, if he chooses to go to college near Sam, offer free room and board while attending school. He could also get a job through Work Study program, like I did. Now, that money was actually mine, to use as I pleased. But it usually went into the gas tank. The boy has options. And Sam shouldn't have to be an ATM just to remain in his son's life.

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[Maricha75]

And if you were Sam, you wouldn't have enough money to actually afford a place to live close to my kids...and my kids also live two hour from where I work, so if I moved closer to where I work, I'd still be two hours from my kids...and if you were Sam, you wouldn't be able to afford a $3k car outright, and you'd have to drive 1000 miles a week on that same car and hope you didn't have to pay for repairs. If you were Sam, you'd be ordered by the court to pay your ex wifes car payment, and wouldn't be able to get rid of it no matter how badly you wanted to...

You're damned right it makes it difficult and complicated, but I still do it anyway...

See, I was thinking it was about the kids and cars for them. I don't think you should have to pay for her car, in addition to alimony, but that wasn't my call. That should be on her, not you. But that's JMO. For the kids, it should have been cheap car(s), period.

 

[Blonde]

You would feel rejected and replaced by the several calls and texts a week?

I would feel rejected and replaced by having you legally attack and undermine my job.

Mean while you are proud of GF daughter that she is such a great student (I am not), made so much money, and you helped her with her tax return, etc....

Just saying how I would feel. If I was your son, I would feel rejected and replaced. My dad is NOT proud of me for working and my dad is ashamed of my C- in school... My dad hates my mother and is punishing me for it.

 

[Blonde]

Plus, as I keep attempting to point out, if you cause him to lose thousands of dollars of financial aid, ultimately, you are not only hurting him but hurting yourself (if he pursues college)

Why don't you offer to help your son file tax returns and fill out the FAFSA? I think you and he will be pleasantly surprised at how much aid he can get. Divorce can be a financial aid boon How does divorce affect college financial aid? - CBS News

 

[whatslovegottodowithit?]

It appears that there really is no great advice that can help Sam. A lot of "If it were me" and "if I was you" and "in my state/country ___ , this happens", but Sam is telling what IS happening to him and is stuck! He's damned if he does or damned if he doesn't!! This thread may be one of those "must read" (sorry Sam) for those considering D with children.

I wish, as a father with visitation who pays support, I could add something that may help, but can't...I feel for you and pray all turns-out well in the end!
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[Maricha75]

Apparently, Blonde, you missed where he said he's been working out the financial aid stuff and will still have to pay a large chunk, which he cannot afford. And this whole inquiry thing was done so he doesn't have to pay his EX-WIFE the CS as well as college tuition. Checking into his son's income was part of that. Of course, if the boy hadn't been getting paid under the table, this would be a non-issue. They would know his income and could figure accordingly.

Also, regarding the stepdaughter, why shouldn't he be proud of her? You know what? I went to college. My parents didn't pay for it. I did. One sister went to tech school. The other barely graduated high school. I got scholarships and grants. The sister who went to tech school got grants and a scholarship because she did co-op through the high school, working at the company that owned the school. And she got loans, just like I did. And she worked, like I did. But through it all, my parents were proud of EACH of our accomplishments. I see it the same with Sam, actually. If he wasn't proud of his son, he wouldn't make the effort to attend the special events for him! Very low blow, suggesting that he's not proud of any accomplishments his son has. And very low to suggest he shouldn't be proud of the young lady his stb wife's daughter has become!

I'm inclined to agree with Sam about one other thing... I truly do suspect the answers would be different if Sam was a woman complaining about the ex-husband, etc.

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[samyeagar]

I would feel rejected and replaced by having you legally attack and undermine my job.

Mean while you are proud of GF daughter that she is such a great student (I am not), made so much money, and you helped her with her tax return, etc....

Just saying how I would feel. If I was your son, I would feel rejected and replaced. My dad is NOT proud of me for working and my dad is ashamed of my C- in school... My dad hates my mother and is punishing me for it.

Just for the record...my son has met my step daughter exactly one time. Beyond that, I have made it a point to not say a word about her to him, or any of my kids for this very reason, so you can drop that line of thinking...I'm already one step ahead of you.

She and my youngest get along very well.

 

[samyeagar]

And today's Father's Day right? Well, my STBW and I have five kids between us, and the only one who has said anything to me is well, my step daughter.

Today is my day with the kids per our custody agreement, but you know what? My ex wife and kids are on a camping trip with her boyfriend, you know, my kids teacher, the guy she cheated on me with. Don't get me wrong, the camping trip is going to be one hell of a good time. She scheduled it a couple of months ago for this weekend, and then claimed she had no idea it it was Father's Day, and she couldn't reschedule it. So here's old Sammy, which to some of you I am barely a step above an absentee father, selfish, not trying with my kids, well here I am with a choice...enforce the visitation schedule and tell my kid he can't go on the big fun camping trip that has been hyped up to him, likely building resentment and all that, or give up my time with my only child speaking to me. Really nice choice there huh...maybe if I just give them more money, my ex wife wouldn't be like that huh?

 

[jld]

I am sorry you are in such a tough position, Sam. I am glad your stepdaughter remembered you.

 

[Blonde]

Apparently, Blonde, you missed where he said he's been working out the financial aid stuff and will still have to pay a large chunk, which he cannot afford.

He must be doing the numbers wrong then. With 5 children, on ex-w income (she has custody) the FA should be at the max amt which should cover community college.

Whatever. I've only done this with Five children. If Sam wants to scr#w himself and his son out of thousands of dollars for the sake of revenge, it's his life. I'm a taxpayer. I guess he'll be saving ME money

((((((shrug)))))

unsubscribing

 

[Blonde]

And today's Father's Day right? Well, my STBW and I have five kids between us, and the only one who has said anything to me is well, my step daughter.

You helped her with her taxes and she knows you are proud of her....

and you love her mother...

 

[samyeagar]

He must be doing the numbers wrong then. With 5 children, on ex-w income (she has custody) the FA should be at the max amt which should cover community college.

Whatever. I've only done this with Five children. If Sam wants to scr#w himself and his son out of thousands of dollars for the sake of revenge, it's his life. I'm a taxpayer. I guess he'll be saving ME money

((((((shrug)))))

unsubscribing

So now, not wanting to roll over, and expecting others to carry their own weight is considered revenge...

 

[samyeagar]

You helped her with her taxes and she knows you are proud of her....

and you love her mother...

And I pay for almost every damn thing my kids have, and tell them, show them that I am interested in them and a relationship with them...and I'm not even being offered a pay to pay relationship with them...just a pay and no relationship...

 

[samyeagar]

You helped her with her taxes and she knows you are proud of her....

and you love her mother...

So what is your opinion on the REST of the post you took this from? The part where my ex wife purposely screwed me out of my time with my youngest on Father's Day no less? So what was it that I did wrong there, because I'm sure there is something...

 

[Maricha75]

Hey, Sam, I was looking at the FAFSA online page, specifically about divorced parents and how it should be done... In this case, Blonde is right about how it SHOULD be done. That's not saying that's how it is BEING done, clearly. But according to the people in chargeof how to fill this stuff out, her position is correct... It SHOULD be done according to his mother's income, etc. That said, it doesn't necessarily mean your son will be eligible for the maximum amount. But he SHOULD be eligible for more. I'd still go through with the CS reduction, personally. And if he needs anything to help for college, he can ask.

FAFSA and Divorce < FAFSA FAQ | FAFSA Online

 

[long_done]

OP - you have my sympathies.

However, realistically, you chose to have 3 kids with a horrible woman, and you're paying the price now.

Is it fair? Probably not, but life is not fair.

I gave extremely serious consideration about how many kids I could afford, and made sure I would be okay paying the financial burden before having the kids.

If I was irresponsible and had too many kids than what I could afford, married or divorced, that would be on me, my responsibility and failure.

Sorry you're in this situation, and it sucks, but you made the choice to have 3 kids...

 

[Maricha75]

Sorry you're in this situation, and it sucks, but you made the choice to have 3 kids...

:wtf:

That's like saying "hey, sorry you had 3 kids and then lost your lucrative job, but you're the one who made the choice to have 3 kids..." Seriously? I don't know about Sam, but I know I never gave any thought to the possibility that my husband could lose his job when we I got pregnant. And, I know my sisters never anticipated divorcing their husbands because they cheated on them. Who thinks "OMG! I shouldn't have any children with him/her because he/she might cheat on me and then we will get divorced and I will have to pay all this alimony and child support!" C'mon now...

 

[long_done]

:wtf:

That's like saying "hey, sorry you had 3 kids and then lost your lucrative job, but you're the one who made the choice to have 3 kids..." Seriously? I don't know about Sam, but I know I never gave any thought to the possibility that my husband could lose his job when we I got pregnant. And, I know my sisters never anticipated divorcing their husbands because they cheated on them. Who thinks "OMG! I shouldn't have any children with him/her because he/she might cheat on me and then we will get divorced and I will have to pay all this alimony and child support!" C'mon now...

The OP never stated he lost his job, or did I miss that?

He chose to have 3 kids with a woman who clearly is ill-equipped to be a mother. That does not happen over night.

Does he have my sympathy? Sure he does, but he alone is responsible for his actions, even if it's with an evil woman who wants to take him to the dry cleaners. There should have been signs after the 1st or 2nd kid that all is not well, and stop before things get worse.

You don't just have 3 kids with someone and then find out they're pure evil.

Not only that, the OP stated the wife never made much money anyway, so it would have been hard to support 3 kids even if he was not divorced.

 

[tom67]

The OP never stated he lost his job, or did I miss that?

He chose to have 3 kids with a woman who clearly is ill-equipped to be a mother. That does not happen over night.

Does he have my sympathy? Sure he does, but he alone is responsible for his actions, even if it's with an evil woman who wants to take him to the dry cleaners. There should have been signs after the 1st or 2nd kid that all is not well, and stop before things get worse.

You don't just have 3 kids with someone and then find out they're pure evil.

Not only that, the OP stated the wife never made much money anyway, so it would have been hard to support 3 kids even if he was not divorced.

You can't be serious.
They wonder why fewer men are getting married.
Sam's thread is a perfect example but go ahead and blame the male because well he should just shut up and take it right?
Good grief!

 

[Maricha75]

No, he didn't lose his job. And yes, people DO have kids with people who are "so evil" or at the very least, not what they pretend to be. Like one sister and her ex. There was no indication he would become mentally ill then cheat on her while in the psych ward at the hospital. But he did. That's the point I was making. Saying "Well, it's your own fault for not thinking ahead" regarding children and divorce is a copout. Most people don't. Most people anticipate growing old together. Divorce is not on their minds when starting out. And, some people DO hide their true selves, quite well.

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