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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am Totallysad, and I first wrote a post here in 2015 sharing my experiences after a 16 year marriage with my husband in which I went through numerous instances of finding him cheating on me, physical abuse and emotional trauma. Every single response to my post asked me to seek counselling for him and for me, set boundaries and most advised me to seek a divorce, at least a separation. Here is a link to my original post...

Husband's Infidelity

In spite of all the good advice that was given to me, here I am again, now married for the last 21 years with two sons and still trying to put myself together after his last incident of infidelity which happened about 14 months ago with a girl half his age, who was also my son's friend's sister and at the time working in our company as an intern.

Since 2017, our marriage went through a few more episodes of violence - physical, emotional and verbal abuse by him and some more instances of catching suspicious behaviour on his part with random girls. Last year, in January, over a period of 2 to 3 days, I woke up in the middle of the night (more like 5:00 AM in the morning) to find him missing from the bedroom, online on Whatsapp and possibly chatting with someone. One night, I could see that he was constantly online on Whatsapp at 12:30 in the night while sitting in the living room downstairs. I went down to ask him who he was chatting with and he became extremely angry and aggressive. He explained that he was chatting with this girl in the office and when I asked to see the chat, he said he has deleted it. I thought that he was lying and was actually talking to someone else, not a 23 year old girl from office. He then accused me of constantly mistrusting him and spying him. We fought and I went back upstairs to our bedroom and shut the door. He followed me back and started beating the door down with a stool. I became frightened and opened the door and he charged at me. I left the house that night and went to a relative's place nearby. The next day I packed my things and took my son and left the town.

After a week, when I was living in my parent's house, I called up this girl from the office in the night when it again seemed that both of them were chatting with each other. When I confronted her, she admitted to chatting with him for the last few months and sent me the entire chat. What I discovered then was something that I could never have even dreamed of. Every night, my husband was speaking to this girl who was barely older than our son and worked as an employee in our office and trying to get her to go out with him, talking about touching her, fantasizing about her and don't know what more. I don't think they were having any real physical relationship but it was obvious he was trying to get her to give him a chance.

I lived at my parent's place for 2 months and started applying for jobs and looking for an apartment to start my life again. At this point, my husband's family reached out repeatedly and wanted us to get together to talk. Long story short, after 2 months and keeping my son's wishes in mind, I again came back to live with my husband hoping that things would change.

The last 14 months have been one misery after another in our personal life as now my husband displays no remorse, has become even more aggressive and now does not even feel any qualms when people come to know about these incidents. Since the lockdown, he, our 2 sons and I have been in the house together for nearly 50 days. Even though we maintained some cordial relationship, for the last 2 weeks we have completely stopped communicating. We have been living in separate bedrooms since January. I still work for our family company and am a Director there.

My dilemma is that leaving him may well mean letting go of my work which I love and enjoy. My younger son is also in his secondary school and getting him to change schools at this time will cause considerable disruption for him also. And lastly I have a 2 year project which is fairly prestigious - if I were to leave the marriage at this time, it may not work well for my prospects in this project also. I have been in therapy for the last 14 months. I understand fully that this man will never change - neither his infidelity nor his violence are likely to reduce.

I know this is a really long post, but writing all this down is therapeutic also in a way. I have decided to stick in the current situation till the end of 2021 post which I feel both my children and me can leave this house and head out. But till then, I wish to stay and not let this man ruin all the things that I have worked so hard in my life for.

I really need help to know that I am thinking in the right way and that I can be strong enough to get through this.
 

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My childhood was rampant with my father physically and verbally abusing my mother. I can tell you that it's not good for you, and not good for your kids to see and experience. You don't want to make them or you a shell with emptiness inside. I have been trying for years to overcome this. I say go, and don't look back. Staying with him is not in the best interest of anyone, and I highly doubt he'd be willing to work on it with counseling or otherwise. Just go, and I hope you're all safe on your journey.
 

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You are an abused spouse and you need protection. This is no way to live. He is a cruel human being and you should get you and your son away from him. I would do this at all costs, forget about money or your career. You need a safe environment.

There is something seriously deranged about your husband. This goes way beyond wanting to bang young girls. He is sick and you need to get out of there.
 

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@totallysad, you are in an abusive marriage and must leave. Stop covering for this POS husband of yours. It looks like you are in India and family face and reputation is often put before the interests of abused wives and children.
I would take a copy of his watsapps with the girl (which incidentally are a form of sexual harrassment) and share them with his family so that they know who he is. If the girl decided to make his behaviour public then how? i doubt very much that this girl finds your POS H's advances very flattering, she probably sees him as a dirty old man. The #Me Too movement is gathering credence in India, you ought to tell your H to reign it in or he could find himself in the papers, particularly if he is a well known business man. All you need to do is start off the process, I know I would. tell his family to do something about his behaviour or your youself will be making this public. Then ask for divorce and 50% share of the business. if they try to suppress any of this (they will , that is what they do) you will go public and ensure everyone knows. Nothing scares a coward more (your H is a coward) than exposing them.

How old are your sons? What is their relationship like with their father?

Who owns the company, your family side or his? If your family then kick him out. You don't need him. Use your power
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Hi aine,

It’s uncanny how you’ve picked up on so many things which are so close to the truth. Yes, I am in India and for all this time, family reputation and the reputation of our company has been more important than my personal happiness.

I have tried many times to break away, go back to my parents or ask him to leave the house but at such times, the pressure builds up tremendously to return, give him another chance and also suggestions about what I could do to make things right from both families.

My kids are pretty grown up, one is 21 and studies abroad and the other is nearly 14. The business belongs to his family but I have worked beyond my capabilities to create a reputation and face for the business. However, he constantly threatens to fire me and refuses to part with any ownership that would give me any control of the company. In any case, the current management and board is completely under his control.

The point is that I have made up my mind to stick around till the end of 2021 for reasons related to my career and studies of my son. I am also getting individual counselling for myself to stay strong and keep myself calm. However, I can simply not get over the fact that a person could be so remorseless about their behaviour and also that the last 20 years of my life may amount to nothing. I am also scared of starting over and giving up everything that I have spent my lifetime building. I am confused but also bitter and angry that he may somehow never realise what his actions have caused. Every conversation with him ends with him blaming me and criticising me for being suspicious, volatile, illogical and crazy.

Can you help me?
 

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You have to start thinking about a life without him. If you were to divorce him, what would you get in terms of support and part of the assets? Perhaps you could start working outside the company if you have built up a reputation and network, that would be a first step to financial independence. He will have to educate his kids anyhow but if you are financially independent then you do not need him.
I think part of your problem is hoping he will change and turn around and be remorseful for all he has done to you. That is not going to happen and the sooner you come to that realization the easier it will be for you to move on. Could you live separate lives. Is he much older than you?
 

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I don't have much to offer on this because I don't really think there is a decision to be made. Sometimes a spouse's behavior is so bad you really don't have much of choice other than to leave. I don't see how staying in this will give you anything resembling a decent life. You'd be signing up for abuse. Not that relationships should always be compared to investments, but in your case you need to get out now and cut your losses. If you stay in it this won't get better, you'd only accumulate more emotional trauma and heartache.
 
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