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I just found this board so please forgive me if I don't know all the abreviations or if I'm repeating anything already said. But I've been reading a few threads seeing betrayers who aren't sure what to do to fix their marriages. I'm going to be very straight because my own husband's inability to do this has frustrated the heck out of me. He started an affair with his young assistant two years ago. I caught on immediately because his behaviour just bacame so bizarre and out of the ordinary. At that point we'd been together 9 years, married 4 years with an almost one year old and an almost three year old. At first he adamantly denied anything was going on but treated me horribly mean and cut me off of any kind of sexual or emotional intimacy. Cold turkey. I tried to hang in there but a few months later I gave him an ultimatum. Her or us. He called me crazy, that there was no affair but that we'd been fighting so much that he thought a period of separation would do us well. And he split. When I showed him the evidence I had of them being together he stopped denying it and then started telling me that I was just an ungrateful wife who treated him so badly, etc etc. A tired wife, with a full time career and an hour long commute each way to work who was left with the drop off and pick ups at daycare and then caring for my kids all night alone and being alone becuase my husband was out drinking with his colleagues and assistant made me mad and bitter as hell. But I was not a bad wife. I love that man with every fiber of my being. I digress....

Don't ask me exactly how or why but he ended up coming back home almost 6 months later. We did counseling and I committed to being the best wife there ever could be. I poured myself into reading about marriage, learning how to be more affirming, respectful, etc. etc. He didn't really do much except go to counseling and act like he was doing everything to make up for it and then coming home and doing nothing.

I find out 6 months later, HE CAME HOME BUT NEVER STOPPED SEEING HER. When I discovered this I told him she either gets fired from the firm or we're done. He had her fired.

Almost 6 months later, guess what...? THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER! Really? This man has you fired from the only real job you've ever had, you can't find work and you're back with him? And he's home with his family? She didn't need to be with him for financial reasons or anything bc he couldn't afford to support her and she lived at home with her mother anyway. I just don't get it. At that point I told him we were done. Over. I tried. I was over it. He BEGGED me to give him another chance. Said that he promised this time he'd have no communication with her. That he knew he didn't deserve another chance but one more chance was all he was asking for. I actually got her to finally answer my texts and we shared information. She even asked me if I would meet her in person so she could give me her side of the story and show me it wasn't her persuing him but the other way around. I agreed. He begged me not to go meet with her. Told me what I'd hear would kill any chance of us every rebuiling. But I had to do it and I did.

So now it's been almost 6 months since I had lunch with her and got her side of the story. She claimed she wanted nothing more to do with him. But I found out again she was emailing him asking to meet her because she needed to ask him some questions to get closure.

So here we are now. Six months from the last d-day. We get along great but he has no interest in sex. He told me in a conversation the other day that the thought of having sex with me is "unappealing" to him and that I could benefit greatly from watching porn. He said that he's attracted to me bc but I'm boring in bed. Our sex life is so routine. I told him I'm open to fixing that but it takes two (I've never known him to be adventurous or tell me he would like to try new things...I've even asked him in the past). That hurt deeply because I'd never say "no" to him. he's my husband and our sex life is very important to me but he can't penalize me for something I'm unaware of. I haven't had much sexual experience before him so I can understand not bringing the skills in the bedroom that chick obviously did (I hear she's been around). Then in a subsequent conversation he tells me he loves me and cares deeply for me. It makes him angry at himself that he's done this to me.

Here's what I don't get. If you love your spouse and your daughters and it's clear the other woman was out to destroy your marriage (that for whatever reason, you wanted to save) by inviting your wife to lunch to show her emails, texts, cards, etc. from her husband....why is it so hard to get your head back in the game? We've had no sex in months (not bc of my unwillingness), he doesn't take any of the advice the counselors have given us (essentially just doing nothing to work on repairing the deep damage he has caused our marriage and me) while I do everything in my power (affirm him, cater to his needs, don't nag, serve him, respect him, etc etc.). He said the other day that I've been a "saint". So what?

I've spelled it out for him. You want a better marriage than ever? You want to forget about these past two years that have been so damaging to us?
1. be HONEST about everything. I deserve that
2. be TRANSPARENT about everything in your life going forward (whereabouts, work relationships, etc.)
3. SHOW ME this really means something to you by humbling yourself and working to rebuild trust at whatever cost.

My point in this post is to ask betrayers what I should do about my current situation and to make clear to the betrayers who genuinely want to fix their marriages and make up for what they've done, what they need to do (see my list above).

Thanks!
 

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I'm sorry you are here and I'm sorry you had to endure two years of his cheating.

Your first issue was that you committed to being the best wife possible while he did nothing to change. You are not the one who should be doing the heavy lifting. That's his job. He needs to repair the damage he caused. You did not cause him to cheat.

Start working on yourself.... I'd suggest doing a hard 180. It sounds like you have made all the concessions and he's made zero. You are Not the problem here. He cheated, those were is choices. Now he has to pay the price.

It sounds like your husband is not truly remorseful. He sounds like a child who was made to give up his toy (AP) before he was done playing with it. IMO

Added: for starters, he needs to write a no contact letter and you need to expose to everyone.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks Silverlining. I do agree with you wholeheartedly. I know in my heart and my gutt that the burden is his but clearly it seems he's not all that interested in the hard work. I did expose the affair once we separated. That didn't really seem to do anything. His parents actually facilitated the affair by allowing him to live in a rental property they own and where he was having sex with her before I made him choose. His parents knew about the affair a month in (before I had even confirmed it) and instead of kicking his butt (if not for me, for their granddaughters), they instead give him the keys to the rental property. What I'm dealing with involves way more than just an affair :(

As for no contact, he has text her and called her infront of me saying "it's over, do not contact me, allow me to fix my marriage" and yet has subsequently contacted her and told her he didn't really mean it, I made him do it. So at this point, even a no contact letter won't give me any certainty.
 

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How did you fare during his months long absense?

IMO he isn't comitted in any way shape or form to you or your marriage. It sounds more like he and his gf are having a spat so he's 'home' but still faithful to her.

You are wasting money on couples counseling. Your in-laws agree with his life style and really you do to by your ACTIONS.

Cut him lose. He can see the kids but not you. Detach from him. He doesn't come back unless he knee-walks to you with receipts fot ic in one hand and a letter of explanation &apology in the other.

You can do it. Its the only way.
 

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Thanks Silverlining. I do agree with you wholeheartedly. I know in my heart and my gutt that the burden is his but clearly it seems he's not all that interested in the hard work. I did expose the affair once we separated. That didn't really seem to do anything. His parents actually facilitated the affair by allowing him to live in a rental property they own and where he was having sex with her before I made him choose. His parents knew about the affair a month in (before I had even confirmed it) and instead of kicking his butt (if not for me, for their granddaughters), they instead give him the keys to the rental property. What I'm dealing with involves way more than just an affair :(

As for no contact, he has text her and called her infront of me saying "it's over, do not contact me, allow me to fix my marriage" and yet has subsequently contacted her and told her he didn't really mean it, I made him do it. So at this point, even a no contact letter won't give me any certainty.
Can he afford a divorce?

If not, this may be the reason he lies about no contact.

His lack of interest in sex in not a good thing.

It may mean many things. It could mean he loves her and having sex with you makes him feel as if he is betraying the other woman. It could also mean that he sees you as a wife but not a lover, and although he still loves you, he can't get excited about sex with the mother of his children.
 

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Walkonmars...does this story remind you of anyone else you know? LOL
 

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I dunno... He invested $11K in remodeling our kitchen a month ago. Why would he do that?
I PM'ed you!

When my husband came home he was always trying to do things around the house that he could care less about before. He would but landscaping things and try to fix things up. (not to the tune of $11,000 though..lol)

The similarities in our stories are scary.
 

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Walkonmars...does this story remind you of anyone else you know? LOL
Tell'er 'bout it!

Unfortunately you both are in a sisterhood - I bet she too can see very clearly what others should do (yeah like a lot of us too) but acting on the homefront induces myopia and paralysis.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks LetDownTX. I'm so new at this. Where do I find my PM?

Sometimes I think that because he's a good man deep down inside (even if right now...it's really down there) he does feel guilt over being such a shmuck. Especially bc of our daughters. And maybe investing that money is his way of convincing himself here is where he wants to be even if his heart is still torn over her. Sucks to have to even think that but I'm a realistic person.

I met her. She's prettier in pictures than she was in person. Although she wore her sunglasses throughout the entire lunch (we sat outside but it was not sunny). Weird huh? Anyway, she didn't seem too bright either. Knowing him for 12 years the only thing I could see in her that he would love is her fake breasts (he's suggested I get some). When we started dating when I was 22 I had a very nice set but age and breastfeeding changed them. I feel like my nice boobs were a curse. It seems my husband falls in love with breasts and not the person. She really did seem super lame.

She was also 24 year old paralegal with no past work history. He was a 32 year old partner in a law firm so I'm sure he seemed powerful, smart and full of $$$$$$ (which couldn't be further from the truth). He is also very handsome. I could see why she'd be attracted to him but she as well as the entire law firm knew he was married with 2 baby girls.
 

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Your husband is not the catch you think he is. You say he is a good guy deep down. Not true, deep down he is an a$$hole. On the surface, he looks like a good guy.

You need to hire a lawyer and get a divorce. You deserve much better. Nobody deserves to be treated the way your husband treats you.

I admit I didn't read everything you wrote. I remember one statement about how "Your husband doesn't like sex with you and says you are unappealing". That is all I had to read. Nobody should stay with someone that treats them that way.

I know it will be tough, but move on. You will find someone better. I don't think there are too many people that are worse.
 

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Dear Praying,

I'm very sorry to hear that you're being treated so poorly. You don't deserve it.

My question to you is: What is his motivation to be and act in ways that you need, ways that show you he really wants his marriage, and that he's more than sorry, but truly remorseful? From where I stand, you'll let him get away with almost anything and still hang around. You're list is a great list, but it's meaningless. Even if he says he wants to stayed married to you, and all the heavy lifting that would entail, by his actions he is screaming at you that he doesn't give a sh!t. There are terms that people use here that are applied to the typical behavior that people (loyal ones and cheaters) engage in while coping with infidelity like rug sweeping, gas lighting, and blame shifting, and you two are no different, I'm sorry to say.

If you really mean what you say, then you know there is a chance that you'll have to walk away. Take that chance into your own hands and file for divorce.
If he doesn't wake up and make a whole-hearted attempt after seeing you finally stand up for yourself, then he was never going to anyway.

But, most are afraid of this option, or don't think it applies in their situation. How does it sit with you?

Btw, I was the WS in my now defunct marriage. It was only when I was faced with real consequences that my brain shifted.
 

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I'm terribly sorry this has happened to you. LetDowninTX is a good person to talk to about this, it does sound just like what she went through. There are some definite things he should be doing right now to WIN YOU BACK. This isn't a free ride that he can just hop in and out of your life on a whim.

You deserve someone who recognizes how badly he hurt you, how lucky he is to have you and to wake up every day determined to show you that he sees that. Anything less is unacceptable.

Read the newbies link. Pick up Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Focus on you and your children right now.

It is not right to blame you in ANY way for his choice to have an affair. He needs to own that decision and the outcome it means. He needs to be facing consequences, opening up all aspects of his life for transparency for you.
 

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Your husband obviously had no clue how f ucking awesome you are.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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P4M,

I want to reaffirm what a previous poster said. Your husband is not a good man. Not deep down. Not at all. It is obvious that has ripped your world apart. I know this feeling.

Life and all its moving parts are happening all around you and while everything should be going well what he says and what he does makes everything you are processing seem like someone is moving a dial on a radio and there is nothing but static in your head.

Are you afraid because he is a lawyer? I guarantee there is one that is better in town and would love to take him down. Please start taking your self respect back and file. Dump his sorry azz now. How dare he treat you like that.

Sit back down again and think about what he has done. Not only has he ruined your marriage, humiliated you and used you but he has done it to the big boobed bimbo as well. I expect her to keep running back because she was just hiking her prom dress over her head not to long back.

You on the other hand have "lived a little" and know better. You do not have to read the stories on this site to know what to do. Quit letting him control this situation. It is time to go stealth and unleash some "shock and awe" on him and his morally bankrupt parents.
 

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Dear Praying,

Everything I previously said was for you to try to get what you currently want.

For the record, I think your husband is above and beyond just being a cheater. He is cruel.

Even if you don't believe you deserve better (and you do, YOU REALLY DESERVE BETTER), **don't your daughters deserve to not have their mama treated like dirt?**
Who will they become if this noise is allowed to continue in their lives?
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Thank you all. I feel some days like I'm going crazy. He has these really great moments and wonderful side to him and then he comes out with this bizarre crap. When we first started talking about the affair he blamed it on me being an ungrateful wife who was never happy who he could never please. So comes along paralegal who looked up to him and affirmed him for the awesome lawyer and man he was (awesome bc he had a wife and 2 babies at home and was cheating?). Anyway, I committed to being a more submissive wife, more respectful, slower to anger and even slower to speak. That seemed to do us some good but he never did stop the cheating. Then over the past 2 weeks I learn that I'm just not good enough in bed for him. I'm routine, boring, I give bad blow jobs, I'm too dry down there (BC pill does that I explained. I also explained that I always take care of him and he does nothing to get me warmed up so what does he expect?). He says I should want to get a boob job to please him (I had a nice set of Ds when I was 22 and we got together. 2 kids and breastfeeding later I have small Cs that aren't so perky). It's always about what I have to do to please HIM. Never what HE can do to please ME and have a mutually satisfying sex life. I feel like I am dealing with a moving target. He complains, I fix it, it's a new problem. I can't keep up!

To answer some others' questions. There are 3 reasons I haven't thrown in the towel yet.

1. I believe in for better or worse and because I know the man he was and who I married I believe this is a season of his life that isn't really who he is. His success went to his head and the environment in which he works is full of under-qualified paralegals with fake breasts and colleagues who are having affairs. This is where he has spent most of his life over the past 3 years and I guess it became "normal" to him. Do I give up a lifetime and my childrens' family for a "Phase"?

2. I love him. Never loved anyone before him. Not sure I could love anyone after

3. THE BIGGEST REASON--- I DON'T TRUST HIM WITH OUR LITTLE GIRLS. I don't think he'd ever intentionally hurt them. I know he loves them. But he is horribly irresponsible. In the past year and a half he had 2 drunk driving accidents. One he totalled his car and it's a miracle he's alive. It's also very questionable how he was in the back of a cop car but ultimately let go without even as much as a ticket. I suspect he used his influence as a former prosecutor to talk the cops out of doing anything. He was beyond drunk and had blacked out. So, I don't trust he won't do these irresponsible things with my kids. And since there is no proof of any of these incidents, I have nothing to bring to a judge to keep him from having supervised visits with my kids. I don't know what I'd do if we were divorced and I had to hand them over to him every other weekend and worry all weekend about how he was taking care of them. That is my biggest fear.
 
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