[stringofpearls]

I've heard that even when having an affair, bringing the other person into the home, or the bed you share with your spouse is rare. I think that most of the time when people cheat they are already checking out of the relationship, but I can't help but wonder about the significance of going this far. Probably has a lot to do wanting to get caught, or wanting to hurt the person you're cheating on, or wanting the affair partner to replace your spouse. In any event, I consider this to be the ultimate F-You to the marriage and your spouse, and something I could never get over or forgive.

Why do you think a person would do this? Is this the ultimate betrayal when it comes to cheating?

 

[Pressed4Time]

Maybe they want to get caught? I'm serious, a friend of mine was so done with his relationship, but didn't have the balls to end it, so he took a different route.

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[225985]

Hotels cost money. Existing bed is free.

 

[sokillme]

Why are you expecting people to have shame when they have shown they have none. They do it because this is who they are, they don't give a 5hit. They have just been very good at hiding it.

 

[stringofpearls]

That actually makes a lot of sense. People find it so hard to break up so they might do something like this as a sort of self destruct button. Knowing that there's no coming back from this in the relationship.

 

[sixty-eight]

When I went back to get my things, I found an I love you note and the remnants of breakfast in bed. There was only one bed, ours. He didn't know what day I would be there, so I believe it was unintentional that I saw it.

IMO, he was replacing me.

 

[EunuchMonk]

Or maybe they just don't give a damn. Don't over-analyse it. You're the one that is worried about fidelity and whatnot. The cheating spouse is broken. They are self-centered/narcissistic/sociopathic and they might not be trying to hurt you. They just weren't thinking about you period.

Betrayed spouse make it about them. You got into a relationship with a broken person. They were this way before you and will be this way after you. You are self-centered too if you think it is about you. Which would explain why you married/partnered up with a self-centered person in the first place.

I'm all for introspection. Examine yourself. You have something wrong with you that made you gravitate towards another that has something (or many things) wrong with them. If you are a selfish, conceited person you will be attracted you someone with those same traits. In fact, I see many people who are attracted to worse versions of themselves. You were a haughty person and you married someone who can beat you at it.

It always made me remember in church when the pastor would say, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added onto you". This was insightful to me. Purify yourself and you will be attracted to another pure-of-heart person. I hear some people point to "good" little church girls/boys that end up with bad boys/girls. I laugh. They may have played the churchianity game and portrayed that little goody-two-shoe image but they were duplicitous. I don't even need proof of their hypocrisy. I just know it was there. No way in hell will the pure and the profane have anything in common! Much less be in a relationship together.

 

[MattMatt]

I've heard that even when having an affair, bringing the other person into the home, or the bed you share with your spouse is rare. I think that most of the time when people cheat they are already checking out of the relationship, but I can't help but wonder about the significance of going this far. Probably has a lot to do wanting to get caught, or wanting to hurt the person you're cheating on, or wanting the affair partner to replace your spouse. In any event, I consider this to be the ultimate F-You to the marriage and your spouse, and something I could never get over or forgive.

Why do you think a person would do this? Is this the ultimate betrayal when it comes to cheating?

Or they were so caught up in the affair that they didn't think about where they were going to do it?

 

[citygirl4344]

I think it's the thrill of pushing the limits...the thrill of knowing that it's wrong but the risk of getting caught is such an adrenaline rush and they are so wrapped up in the fog that they don't process how incredibly terrible bringing an affair pattern in the home is.

It's the most ultimate kick in the face a BS can endure in my opinion.


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[arbitrator]

I've heard that even when having an affair, bringing the other person into the home, or the bed you share with your spouse is rare. I think that most of the time when people cheat they are already checking out of the relationship, but I can't help but wonder about the significance of going this far. Probably has a lot to do wanting to get caught, or wanting to hurt the person you're cheating on, or wanting the affair partner to replace your spouse. In any event, I consider this to be the ultimate F-You to the marriage and your spouse, and something I could never get over or forgive.

Why do you think a person would do this? Is this the ultimate betrayal when it comes to cheating?

You have answered your very own questions and in so doing, have hit the nail on the proverbial head!
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[Cooper]

When my ex moved out to go live with her lover one of the first things I did was get a new mattress! I'm not sure if they ever had sex in our marital bed or not but the thought of it sickened me.

 

[NextTimeAround]

I think people can do things for symbolism sake.

So having sex in the marital bed with an AP is the f^ck you I can think of.

 

[bandit.45]

I reading posts from wayward spouses on other forums, the waywards who did this, almost to a person, said they did not even think about it when they invited the AP into their bedroom. They were so caught up in the affair that they did not give one smidgen of thought to how it would affect their spouse by doing this.

So again, it is not so much that they are out to deliberately humiliate the BS, but that the BS factors not at all in the compartmentalized thinking that goes into conducting an affair.

 

[alexm]

When my ex moved out to go live with her lover one of the first things I did was get a new mattress! I'm not sure if they ever had sex in our marital bed or not but the thought of it sickened me.

Yeah, me too. Same with furniture.

My ex wife had taken a couch and a nice chaise for when she moved into her own place, and when she moved again (to a different country) she offered them back to me.

I literally asked her if she had done anything on those couches with the OM, and she didn't answer right away, so I said "No thanks, all yours".

 

[MJJEAN]

Or maybe they just don't give a damn.
Don't over-analyse it.
They just weren't thinking about you, period.

This.

I didn't think of it as "the marital home" or "the marital bed". I thought of it as my home and my bed. Thinking of my exH in any way would have been a mood killer and ruined the experience with AP.

 

[Rowan]

I reading posts from wayward spouses on other forums, the waywards who did this, almost to a person, said they did not even think about it when they invited the AP into their bedroom. They were so caught up in the affair that they did not give one smidgen of thought to how it would affect their spouse by doing this.

So again, it is not so much that they are out to deliberately humiliate the BS, but that the BS factors not at all in the compartmentalized thinking that goes into conducting an affair.

I agree with this. That said, I have to imagine that cheaters, being individuals, may have an number of reasons they do things like bring the AP into the marital bed. For some of them, it probably is a fvck you to their spouse. Some probably do want to get caught, so as to end the marriage they otherwise lack the nerve to end on their own.

My ex-husband was a serial cheater, and as such was one of those to was exceptionally good at compartmentalizing, so his motivations would fall more in line with bandit's comment. I don't know if he did or did not ever bring anyone into our bed. It's possible. But even if he did, as with so many things in his life, it more than likely wouldn't have been about me or our marriage in any way. He had the spooky ability to completely separate his affairs from his marriage. They just didn't even exist in the same universe. So, he wouldn't have been trying to say fvck you by brining someone into our bed. Nor would he have been trying to get caught. Rather, his musings wouldn't have had anything to do, at all, in any way, with me or our marriage. Nope. It just would have been something he didn't give a second thought. It was his house and his bed, so where else would he have sex?

I strongly suspect his thinking worked that way, because I found out during the divorce process that he'd more than once over the years loaned our home to one of his buddies while we were out of town. So his married buddy could have a nice comfortable place to spend time with his AP. When confronted with that information, he was honestly baffled as to why I might consider that a problem. Why wouldn't you let a good friend stay in your house for a couple days, especially if you were going to be out of town yourself? If it didn't occur to him that allowing another adulterous couple to use our bed might be super skeevy, I'm guessing it wouldn't have occurred to him to think twice about using it for his own trysts.