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my husband and i have been together for 4 years and married for 2 1/2 years....i recently found out that he has been lying and cheating.
we had to be long distance for a year and this is what happened...

First off he had 2 affairs with 2 different girls both lasting only a few weeks. he says it was strictly for sex ....

Second he has been soliciting prostitutes online on craigslist for 3 years! he says he never met them and that he just liked the attention they gave him, and that they made him feel good about himself with the words they were saying. he says when it came down to the actual sex part he could never do it . ive seen all the emails to and from all these "ladies" and he never gives his number out and all the emails DO in fact end with him saying he had a family emergency or something and cant make it.

I am so hurt disgusted and betrayed and confused. in most emails he mentions hes in a relationship and even mentions having a daughter (which we do)...why would he even mention either of these two things? his parents found out and wount even speak to him they are so ashamed. everyday since i found out he has cried, and even made himself so sick he vomited and passed out and had to be taken to the ER.

i dont know what to do or where to go....i believe hes only sorry cuz he got caught he says hes beyond sorry and doesnt want to lose me or our daughter or his parents and that he sees all the lives hes ruined and that its not worth it. he says he will do anything to change, keep us, and bring his family back together. i feel like my marriage has been a lie, i dont know who this person is......advice? comments?:(:(
 

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Hi there,

I am so sorry your husband is putting you through this. I just found out about my common-law husband's cyber affairs (potentially physical ones) last week and this site has been a huge source of strength in getting me through this.

Begin by reading the Newbie Posts/Stickies. They will teach you quite a bit and prevent you from having to ask a bunch of questions that there are sadly (but helpfully for you), already answers in existence for and probably applicable to your situation.

You are in for a long, tough road ahead and are going to get advice from members on this site that might seem very, very scary to do but I am confident that it's sound advice, good advice and worth taking and putting into practice whether you're hoping to reconcile or headed towards a divorce. The 180 and Just Letting Go are two examples of something that might seem scary at the moment to you - I know they did to me but I am putting them into place.

No matter how/why he justifies it, there is no excuse for his cheating. Plenty of men and women are single for a year or more and don't turn to prostitutes or casual sex to ease their sexual frustrations. A married man should be no different.

While immediately concerning, his health issues after being confronted should not be used as an excuse/reason to sweep this under the rug. Actually, that reminded me of when my son was a toddler and would try to escalate his temper tantrums to the point of throwing up to get his way. As cold as it sounds, I would deal with your husband's displays of strong emotion, matter of factually and without emotion. Make sure his health is stable but don't let him play the victim and spin around what his affair is doing to him emotionally - it's about what it's done to you.

When my son was a toddler and did this, I cleaned him up/cleaned up the mess without getting angry or frazzled and then continued with bedtime/time out etc. as business as usual. I suggest you do the same for your husband because I think he's trying to manipulate you and make him the poor-guy here.

In all likelihood, your husband would have continued to cheat if he hadn't been caught. You're probably right, he only feels bad that he's caught. It doesn't mean he'll stay that way forever (people can change and cheaters can reform themselves) but if that's where he is now, you don't owe him a thing.

Also, make sure to take care of your health and get checked for STDs. There is no reason to feel embarrassed in doing so - you didn't do anything wrong.

Keep coming back because everyone in this section is very understanding and has been there/is there themselves. Many have reconciled and gone on to have happy marriages. Others have divorced and gone on to have happy lives. The advice is valuable here as is the emotional support.
 
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Ick, Prostitutes. Walking petri dishes for STDs!

You gotta get checked out.

I mean having an affair is bad, but I feel ONS are much worse.

An affair can happen from bad boundaries and then an unexpected connection(still NO EXCUSE AND WRONG)

But ONS is just him purposely and deliberating trolling for sex, and taking a piss on his marriage, his vows and most of all his significant other.

It's also never 'just sex' if it was something he so desperately trying to downsize into triviality, then it never would have been important enough for him to betray his wife over it. And to do it with these filthy ass women and put your health at risk is a major problem.

What he did is extreme betrayal to you, the marriage and the family.

I'd recommend getting your thoughts together(and maybe some distance from your husband) and deciding if you'd like to reconcile or divorce.

After you decide or lean toward one we can give you boatloads of advice on either one. :smthumbup:
 

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He may need to speak to somebody (regardless of whether or not you forgive him). Mentioning a wife and a child in casual emails to physical intamcy contracters (as RLD put it) is pretty damned bizarre.

I really hope he didnt see any of them and I hope he doesnt hurt you any further, whatever you decide.
 

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His behavior (crying, vomiting) tells me he is deeply ashamed. If it were my H & I decided to stay with him, I would march his ass to a counselor for treatment for sex addiction & let the counselor decide if this is his problem or not. He should have no access to a computer but that is probably not going to make his problem go away.

I think he is a very sick man who needs more help than you can give him.
 

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I don't think he is only sorry for being caught. I think he is sorry because he doesn't want to lose you. The long distance relationships are harder on men than on woman because if there is one thing I've learned is that men need regular sex. Just like they need regular food. I'm not justifying his actions but he on the bright side I would say that he is showing all the signs of true remorse and willing to work on the problems that led to this infidelity. Another good sign is that he told those other women that he is in a relationship. I think that subconciously he didn't really want to cheat and tried to "stop himself". If you want to see more of the signs that this type of cheating can be "resolved", this article will help you:

How to Regain Trust in a Relationship
 

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I agree with Miss Taken. Even though vomitting and fainting has its same roots in remorse, it doesn't come from a mature thought process, you can't be sure whether it comes from genuine desire of redemption, or an abrupt end to his addiction and the loss of his entourage's esteem.

Seeking attention from other women, is cheating, seeking attention from prostitutes is even more pathetic.

Right now, you can't know for sure if he's worth the effort of trusting him again or if he needs to be let go. Only time and thourough analysis will make you understand.

What I suggest right now is the 180. Which consists of turning the other way and focusing on yourself and how this discovery make you feel.
Don't give in to the self blame because it has nothing to do with you. Your husband has some serious emotional and psychological issues and my guess is that he trained himself to hide them well.

Be prepared to an exhausting ride of an emotional rollercoaster.

Posting in this forum will help you a great deal and will reduce the distance towards peace of mind by light years.

We're here for you.
 

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Please have a look at the links in my signature. My husband also hired a hooker once, and is a sex addict.
 

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Baiting a craig's list hooker on line is kind of bizzare but the evidence seems pretty sclear he didn't meet any of them. Not even an emotional affair as these women are stone cold profiteers. The sexual affair while away is a different story! You have to decide whether you want to stay or not. You need to set the rules of engagment and but it into action. You need complete transparency and time. Good luck!
 

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I agree with Miss Taken. Even though vomitting and fainting has its same roots in remorse, it doesn't come from a mature thought...
I know it probably sounded cold of me... but I'm not cold I swear!!! lol :D I can see someone crying so hard that they faint and vomit but I can also see them trying to use that, as a way to switch the focus and the sympathy on them and divert attention from the real issues.

That's why I said, address the health concerns and make sure the crisis is averted but don't dwell on it or let them make you feel bad instead of focusing on their affair and bad behaviours. Just like a crying/temper-tantruming toddler who pukes or holds his breath as a diversion, you want to make sure they're safe and okay but you still need to address the issue at hand and what they're temper tantruming over in the first place.

I have a grandmother that feigns chest pains (she doesn't have a bad heart by the way, and she's a total narcissist) to avoid conflict/accepting responsibility when topics get too heated. It's pure manipulation, that's why I said the above. Her H's vomiting and fainting might have been legitimate or it may not have been but either way, the affair still needs to be addressed once the "health crisis" is over.
 
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I know it probably sounded cold of me... but I'm not cold I swear!!! lol :D I can see someone crying so hard that they faint and vomit but I can also see them trying to use that, as a way to switch the focus and the sympathy on them and divert attention from the real issues.

That's why I said, address the health concerns and make sure the crisis is averted but don't dwell on it or let them make you feel bad instead of focusing on their affair and bad behaviours. Just like a crying/temper-tantruming toddler who pukes or holds his breath as a diversion, you want to make sure they're safe and okay but you still need to address the issue at hand and what they're temper tantruming over in the first place.

I have a grandmother that feigns chest pains (she doesn't have a bad heart by the way, and she's a total narcissist) to avoid conflict/accepting responsibility when topics get too heated. It's pure manipulation, that's why I said the above. Her H's vomiting and fainting might have been legitimate or it may not have been but either way, the affair still needs to be addressed once the "health crisis" is over.
I agree completely. It may be really hard to not give in into his manipulation. But it won't be of any help to him, especially if he isn't aware that it's some soft of indirect manipulation.

The older people get, the harder for them to lose habits they find comfort in. He has to understand that his actions made him visit ER not his wife finding out.
 
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