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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm not one who would normally use this sort of thing bit i'm a bit stuck.

Three days ago I discovered my Dad was cheating on my Mom with a woman from work. I've been suspicious for a few months but thought I was being crazy as when the subject of friends of the family/family cheating previously my Dad has always been the first to jump down their throats and tell them how stupid they've been.

Well, I tried to confront him, sent him a text saying I needed to speak to him and that he should come home now. He phoned my Mom thinking there was something wrong with me so when my Mom got all worried something was wrong I showed her the two emails I'd printed off proving he was cheating.

They, my parents have decided to work on their marriage and understand it's going to take time. But, having decided this they have asked me to keep it from my two siblings, meaning beyond them i'm the only one who knows and I can't say anything. So I act normal when my sister's are around, only to breakdown the moment i'm alone.

The thing is, I've saw more of the evidence than my mom. My Dad and this woman discussing how their partners would react only to laugh about it and say they best keep it secret and just run away for a night here and there. I think it hurts more that my Dad says on many occasions that he loves this woman.

He assures us it's ended and he really wants to make a go of it, but that completely contradicts an email to this woman less than a week ago. I'm worried that he's only staying because he's afraid of loosing his daughters and the stable environment he's built with my mom for the last 28 years.

One minute I think i'm coping with it all and the next it feels like my life is crashing down around me. The man I've know all my life is a stranger and I'm finding it hard to believe he ended it even though he insists.

I know this all sounds very selfish, I'm glad i know as I have been and will continue to support my mom. But while I'm doing that, I feel like I need some support to.. Not sure what i'm asking.. Just has anyone else been through this and can offer some advice or enlightenment on the situation?
 

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That's a lot to deal with: (1) loving and protecting your mom, (2) trying to do what is right for your sisters, (3) the nature of your feelings for and relationship with your father.

You haven't given your age. We don't know your family's financial situation. Ask your mother if there is insurance that would pay or help pay for you to consult with a therapist alone. Or if you are a member of a church or synagogue, go meet with someone there in a confidential way.

Adults do really stupid things. You can't take the responsibility on your shoulders of fixing whatever will go on with your mom and dad.

Has anyone been through this? My kids have been through this. The first time, my 16 year old daughter told me she and a friend walked in on my wife and a guy. I did not know what to believe and believed my wife who explained everything away. Bottom line was that as an adult I buried my head in the sand and believed what I wanted to believe and I know that hurt my daughter because she was just trying to protect me. The next time, there was no explaining anything away. And here's the point.....the relationship between my wife and all but the youngest of the children will never be the same.

I'm glad that the youngest doesn't have to deal with everything. I'vereconciled with my wife and in loving her wish that the other children had a good relationship with her.

So you probably do your younger sisters, and your mom, a favor by not telling the younger children. You can't fix your parents relationship and the only thing I think you should tell your mom at this point would be something that would involve a physical danger to her. And again, you have a right to talk with someone and should find a confidential counselor through church, through school, through insurance.
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tough spot, I've been exactly in the same position

if there's anything I learned from it is that you can't control people (neither your Dad's cheating NOR the way your mother reacts to it)

there's only so much you can do and realize that much of you can do may not have much affect on any of it. At this point both your dad and mom are in a fog of sorts. Your dad is in fantasy land hopped up on dopamine from the thrill of an affair and your mother is in fight or flight mode from adrenaline and fear of losing your dad. As a result, neither of them will think or act clearly.

The best thing you can do is provide support for your mother, and educate her to affair script, what a real R entails, and get her to a doctor for STD testing and help with her anxiety and depression.

the three links in my signature you will find helpful-

the newbie link has tons of info on affairs
the doctor link will give you an idea of what yor mother will go through in the next few weeks
the my story link is what happened in my life and the first parts talks about my father's affair on my mother and the impact it had on me


I'm so sorry you are here and going through this
 

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The thing is, I've saw more of the evidence than my mom. My Dad and this woman discussing how their partners would react only to laugh about it and say they best keep it secret and just run away for a night here and there. I think it hurts more that my Dad says on many occasions that he loves this woman.

He assures us it's ended and he really wants to make a go of it, but that completely contradicts an email to this woman less than a week ago. I'm worried that he's only staying because he's afraid of loosing his daughters and the stable environment he's built with my mom for the last 28 years.
Show you Mom the evidence. Get her alone and speak to her candidly about what you know and how you feel. Let the burden fall on her to make an informed decision of where to go from here. It's not fair that you Mom doesn't have all the facts yet, and your Dad is playing her for a fool. Believe me, I know.

I assume you are grown, which is a good thing. I was married for 28 years, and my grown son knew things, but, although he disrespected his father for his behavior, kept some information from me so as not to "rock my boat". Since I left his father on my own accord, he has since told me what he knew. As a mother, I hurt for him carrying that burden and felt the need to comfort him and thank him for finally lifting the burden off of his own shoulders and letting me handle it.

Again, for your mother's sake, don't let your father make a fool of her. Don't carry the burden of what you know on your own shoulders. While it may be reasonable to not share the information with your sibling, your mother is another issue altogether. Seems to me that you really have no choice. As much as this information might hurt your mother, it would hurt her more not knowing, or knowing that you knew and didn't tell her.

Best of luck to you and your family and know that YOU are not to blame for all of this. YOU are not responsible for your father's behavior. Tell Mom. She needs to know.
 

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Do not take or keep this burden to yourself , the only way your parents marriage stands a chance is if your mother has the full truth, your siblings know the truth and your father no longer works with the OW. Furthermore the affair should be exposed to the OW's husband and family .

Your in a difficult situation as it is your father, if he cares for you your mother and family he would be doing his everything to save his marriage.
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In addition to the suggestion to help educate your mom with the information from this site on handling cheating by a WS and the things needed for a successful R - I strongly suggest exposing the affair to the OMW.

I'm going to suggest in fact that you do it. You didn't give your age, but you write like an adult , so I'm going to assume you are old enough to take this on.

Your mom is letting your dad rug sweep. She wants it to go away so much, that she's let him talk her into trying to wish it away, so long as he ends the affair. You know he hasn't.

The most effective thing to do at this point is to expose the affair to the other woman's husband. Find her full name and find where she lives. There a number of services that like pipl.com that will help you track people down. Find him.

You can either expose it directly to him telling him who you are. BTW - lots of affairs get exposed by children of the cheaters.

Or, you can expose to him anonymously by sending him copies of those emails.

Which ever that you choose - doing this has the best chance of anything of actually killing the affair. You know your father isn't going to do it.
 

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HOW SECRETS SABOTAGE*

Although we encounter secrets in every area of life, they are perhaps most destructive when kept in the home. Families are support systems; our identity and ability to form close relationships with others depend upon the trust and communication we feel with loved ones. If family members keep secrets from each other--or from the outside world--the emotional fallout can last a lifetime.

There are four main ways that family secrets shape and scar us:

o they can divide family members, permanently estranging them;

o they can discourage individuals from sharing information with anyone outside the family, inhibiting formation of intimate relationships;

o they can freeze development at crucial points in life, preventing the growth of self and identity;

o they can lead to painful miscommunication within a family, causing unnecessary guilt and doubt.

A person who seeks to undo the damage caused by family secrets must accept that revealing a secret is not a betrayal but a necessity Luckily, as you'll see, it's never too late to do so.

ARTICLE CONTINUED HERE.....

*Above from the book The Secret Life of Families by Evan IrabetBlack, Ph.D. Copyright 1998 by Evan Imber-Black.
 

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It's not a secret you need to carry. It's not a burden you need to carry. Your father is an adult who wants to continue in the affair. That's his choice. It's your choice whether you want to assist him with the affair.

Let your siblings know. Let the other woman's husband know.
 

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Coralie, welcome.

For reference, I am in my 50's and am the father of teen/20's kids. My parents split when I was in my mid 20's due to an infidelity. I have not cheated. My wife? Most probably. We're in limbo right now.

Your relationship with each of your parents is properly one of child/parent. Even as an adult you are still their child, though not childish. Their marriage relationship is between them, not you. Your father is still your father, and his behavior towards you has not been invalidated by his cheating on his wife.

So you should not be in the middle of their marriage, and they should not put you in the middle. You should not maintain any secrets such as the added evidence you have which your mother has not seen. I think you should try to maintain your individual relationships with your parents as normally as possible. Yes it is normal that you will feel some disappointment or hurt by your father's cheating, but try not to let it impact your interactions with him.

IMO you should tell them both that you will not maintain any secrets and you will not be used as a go-between. If you want to help your mother by giving her some information, depending on your age (over 18ish?) you could give her the book "After the Affair".

Ultimately the fate of their marriage is in their hands, and is not something you should be trying to affect. You may have a preference one way or the other on whether they stay together, but it is best for them to figure it out for themselves.

FWIW, one of my parents remarried (the affair partner no less!) who has turned out to be a very good life partner. In the end it turned out for the best that my parents divorced, and both of them are happier than before. The affair was unfortunate for the anguish it caused at the time, but the final outcome has definitely turned out to be good.
 

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My Dad cheated on my mom and ended up divorcing and my dad moved half way across the country. I didn’t even see him foe over 5 years. I was 7 years old at the time. After my mom passed away (I was 12) I went to live with my dad and step Mom. (the one he cheated with) I never felt wanted.

Fast forward several more years, I was in the Navy. I went home on leave and my dad took me out for a beer. He told me all about another Woman he was seeing as if were something to be proud of. He was cheating again. I even went to a VFW dance event with my Dad and I met this other woman as well as her WHOLE family. He had told them my mom died…. Kinda true. He just left out the fact that he was married.

The funny thing is was that My step-mom knew all about it, as well as her kids (my step sister) I was getting drunk with her one evening and she told me all about this OW. Luckily I had a few pictures of her that my dad sent to me while I was I the Navy. So I showed them to her…

The last thing my Dad told me was that I was no longer his son…….. He died a year later! The stupid stupid stupid some adults do. It didn’t make for a good role model for me.

If I go way way way back…Before I was born, My dad was married to my widowed grandmother, divorced her, and married her daughter/my mom… ponder that for a moment.
 

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I feel so badly for you and the burden you've been handed. I also have a daughter who discovered her father's A.
Since you are asking, IMO your parents are WRONG to ask you handle the burden of their marriage. Tell them. You must tell them together, and during this conversation, disclose all your information. Disclose what you have in front of both and let them duke it out. Don't give your father a chance to "explain it away." Just spit it out there and let them handle it.
Sadly, you cannot control what your father did, or how your mother responds. But you can learn from the way they behave and the way they respond to this. Try to remember that you are not alone during this. As you can see by the board, others have had to deal with this issue, and you will be okay.
 
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I felt such a relief when I talked to my step-sister about my dads A. I held onto that for several years. I was relieved to let thesecret out. My Dad then tried to make me feel like the bad guy and I could never be trusted again. He never spoke to me again after that.

To the OP... Don't allow your Dad to do the same to you. If you tell, your dad will be mad at you. If you keep it secret and your Mom finds out that you knew and didn't tell her, she may be mad at you. You are in a touch spot.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thank you to everyone for their replies and advice.

Since i posted this thread, i spoke to my father and told him he needed to show my mom everything that went on. He then showed my mom all the emails and texts that had passed between him and this woman. There were more tears but they are still going to try and make things work together.

I personally have attempted to lay a little foundation to build a relationship with my father again but he understands it's going to take time.

Although i agree it shouldn't be swept under the carpet I've not told my sisters and will continue to keep it that way as i don't want them to be involved like i am being dragged into it. Should he repeat his actions and cheat again i'll be the first to shout about it.

After a chat with my father, my mom accused me of believing it was now her fault because he'd said something. Leading to me sitting them down and telling them i wasn't going to be a go between and i don't want them to be insulting each other to me as it's unfair.

I think overall the shock of it has warn off and i'm just going to focus on myself for awhile but still be there to offer my mom a hug and a shoulder when she needs it.

I also have a new respect for people who go through this when they're a lot younger than me. I know my age was raised and i'm actually 21.

Thanks again.
 

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Thank you to everyone for their replies and advice.

Since i posted this thread, i spoke to my father and told him he needed to show my mom everything that went on. He then showed my mom all the emails and texts that had passed between him and this woman. There were more tears but they are still going to try and make things work together.

I personally have attempted to lay a little foundation to build a relationship with my father again but he understands it's going to take time.

Although i agree it shouldn't be swept under the carpet I've not told my sisters and will continue to keep it that way as i don't want them to be involved like i am being dragged into it. Should he repeat his actions and cheat again i'll be the first to shout about it.

After a chat with my father, my mom accused me of believing it was now her fault because he'd said something. Leading to me sitting them down and telling them i wasn't going to be a go between and i don't want them to be insulting each other to me as it's unfair.

I think overall the shock of it has warn off and i'm just going to focus on myself for awhile but still be there to offer my mom a hug and a shoulder when she needs it.

I also have a new respect for people who go through this when they're a lot younger than me. I know my age was raised and i'm actually 21.

Thanks again.
thanks for the update and it appears you are handling it as well as can be expected, feel free to help mom by pointing her here
 

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I'm not one who would normally use this sort of thing bit i'm a bit stuck.

Three days ago I discovered my Dad was cheating on my Mom with a woman from work. I've been suspicious for a few months but thought I was being crazy as when the subject of friends of the family/family cheating previously my Dad has always been the first to jump down their throats and tell them how stupid they've been.

Well, I tried to confront him, sent him a text saying I needed to speak to him and that he should come home now. He phoned my Mom thinking there was something wrong with me so when my Mom got all worried something was wrong I showed her the two emails I'd printed off proving he was cheating.

They, my parents have decided to work on their marriage and understand it's going to take time. But, having decided this they have asked me to keep it from my two siblings, meaning beyond them i'm the only one who knows and I can't say anything. So I act normal when my sister's are around, only to breakdown the moment i'm alone.

The thing is, I've saw more of the evidence than my mom. My Dad and this woman discussing how their partners would react only to laugh about it and say they best keep it secret and just run away for a night here and there. I think it hurts more that my Dad says on many occasions that he loves this woman.

He assures us it's ended and he really wants to make a go of it, but that completely contradicts an email to this woman less than a week ago. I'm worried that he's only staying because he's afraid of loosing his daughters and the stable environment he's built with my mom for the last 28 years.

One minute I think i'm coping with it all and the next it feels like my life is crashing down around me. The man I've know all my life is a stranger and I'm finding it hard to believe he ended it even though he insists.

I know this all sounds very selfish, I'm glad i know as I have been and will continue to support my mom. But while I'm doing that, I feel like I need some support to.. Not sure what i'm asking.. Just has anyone else been through this and can offer some advice or enlightenment on the situation?


First of all sorry you are here.

I was in the same spot as you. I found my mom is cheating on my father and I tried to talk to her,to end it,but she gave me a lot of crap how is my father always at work,not enough affection and stuff like that...

Then I told my father and he was so angry.I swear he could kill me there. He blamed me for not telling him immediatly,told my two sisters and brother that I was OK with my mom cheating and I was crying like a baby. I cant remember when was the last time I cried.

One more thing,when I found about it I told my fiance and she she already knew it and was allright with it. She said you live only once. This is the girl I wanted to marry and make a familly with her and I wasted almost 2 years on her.

It was really hard,I cant even told you how I felt about it. Suddenly I was alone,no family,sisters,brother,fiance. I was blaming myself for my mom affair and what happend later on.
For three months I was like a zombie and finally a wake up call came one day and I said *** it.I deserve better.

I am still talking with my brother and one sister. The youngest one cant really understand what happend.
My mom and dad are divorced. I dont talk with my mom at all,she told me I could keep my mouth shut and everything would be ok. Dad is doing "decent",he found another woman but we would never be the same.

Sorry for a long story and my grammar mistakes,but if I was in your spot I would tell mom everything I knew.

Some people still tell me I made a mistake telling my father but in my heart I know I made a good decision. Cheating is the worst thing that could happen to someone.

Best wishes to you and I hope your story has a happy ending :)
 
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