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you do what it takes to stop them. You have to be willing to end a marriage to save it. Never beg a WS...
For Part 2, I decided to go a different route and write about some main points of certain A’s and my mind set during them. Adding in some things a BS should look for and what I think has to be done to end them. I think I will add a Part 3. To detail where I am now and how I got there. I was to just add this to my initial thread titled “Can a Serial Cheater/ Narcissist Change his Stripes” but since the theme is different I thought it deserved its own thread.
Part 2.
I can count on one hand how many ONS I have had since marriage, I never go looking for them. I also am not into porn, yeah I check it out but rarely. However, I am addicted to the whole A process. I like the chase, usually if she is to forward or to easy I won’t be interested or I will lose interest quickly.
I don’t just pick someone out of the blue, I have to be attracted to her, I have to physically see her ( I never have had an online thing); she has to be involved with someone; with the exception of one that I mentioned earlier, I have never lied to any of them about my marriage. They know I am married, they know my family comes before them. I never make any promises to them.
Usually somewhere during the process I lose interest, out of last 10 years, two has gone to a full blown A’s. Two other were PA’s that didn’t involve much of a chase, but I was still interested enough to have it.
With the exception of my last EA (a young intern) all of them were married or in a committed relationship.
The two PA’s didn’t have any much emotion behind it cause I didn’t want them too, sometimes it really is just sex. But, they can turn emotional pretty easily if they both want it too. The first one happened when I was transferred and my family didn’t move yet… she worked at the front desk and was very cute. It stopped after I left my extended stay and my wife and kids moved up. The other one was a coworker; I bring her up for that fact alone.
Co-Workers – I probably could have had numerous EA’s or PA’s with fellow employees if I wanted to. It is the easiest ways to have one and it maybe be one of the hardest one’s for a BS to find out about. I say this cause a lot of the cheating can be done from work on work phones, emails, and IM (instant messenger). Plus, you see the AP every day, and depending on the job obviously, it is easy to get away (lunch break, business trips, after work gatherings). Also, unless they get caught in the act, your employer isn’t gonna stop it; nobody will come forward even if the suspect it, and HR could careless unless they are made aware, and in most cases even if they are aware, nothing is going to happen unless the act is egregious. If your spouse had an AP and he/she still works with them you’re in trouble. I have heard about work related affairs lasting years even decades. They call them Work Wife’s and Husband’s for a reason.
IM at work is used for socializing most of the time. I am still waiting for some BS to sue some company who allows IM under such grounds. So much flirting and I have to believe a bunch of initial contact between future AP start with IM. Ask your spouse if IM is used at their work. Don’t allow your spouse to go to work related gatherings or after work get together without you. Make your presents known. Let their co-workers see you because co-workers will notice if he/she is always out alone. You showing up, even if you don’t want to can stop anything from starting. If your SO doesn’t want you to go, they shouldn’t go either. Communication with your spouse is a must. Listen to your spouse, who he/she is talking about. It is one of the stupidest things a WS does, but we all seem to do it, we just can’t stop talking about the AP or someone we are interested in. I have even caught myself doing this and made a point not to. If your spouse is having an A with a co-worker, they have to quit the job and expose the affair to HR and co-workers. Tough **** if it is going to hurt financially so does divorce.
I was always against having any type of A’s with a co-worker. I broke my rule this one time. In my case the AP was a co-worker who was engaged. It was very easy to have without getting caught cause it was a PA without any real emotion and contact was kept at work during lunch… daily. They are very hard to end cause it is so easy to have. Mine ended when they moved after getting married. I can still talk to her to this day if I wanted to.
As I mentioned earlier, I had two pretty serious A’s during this time. The first was the shorter and the less serious of the two. It lasted about 8 months and she was the wife of an acquaintance, not a friend yet, but he started to become one and that is why I ended it. I been with all types of females, but I am very drawn/ attracted to girls with tattoos. She is a very nice sleeve; we had a bunch in common and the same interests. They been married for 5 years, but together for 10, she never cheated before (I believe her because she was very nervous in the beginning and not experienced at these type of things.) They were having problems, but seemed very much into each other, they wanted kids but had problems conceiving and he was the bread winner and wasn’t happy that she hardly worked. Here are the steps that led us to cheat…..
I met her when a mutual friend of her husband and I was leaving her job and moving out of state. I was instantly attracted to the AP, but her H was there and I made some small talk but kept it light. As the night went we would find ways to talk to each other in group settings but by the end of the night, I felt a mutual attraction between us. I didn’t see her again for a few months, didn’t seek her, hoped to run into her again and did when the friend that left came to visit and she had a get together. I only stopped by but the AP made it obvious that she didn’t want me to leave so soon, I had to but we exchanged #’s secretly before I left.
The Beginning of an A: Like any relationship, this is the feeling out process, and when there is still guilt for what you are doing. You will rationalize it as just a friendship and it is in the most part, but the intentions aren’t and this is why you have to know what your spouse is doing, if you feel something is wrong ACT. The more time you wait the closer the two gets. I hate when I see the BS tell their tale and mention feeling early on something isn’t right but afraid to act on it or being manipulated not to. In our A, I even mentioned to her if her H knows she gave me her #. Knowing full well she didn’t, but was letting her know I didn’t care without outright saying it. I like to take my time, pushing and pulling, stringing her along, making her want to want me more and more each time. She would ask to see each other and I wouldn’t initially, but by the time we met I had her. I had to teach her how to hide it, and she got good at it.
It got pretty serious with the “I love you” and all that. It was not real, but it does feel like it at the time and if we got caught, her H would have had a hell of a time getting her out of the fog. I suspect she would of broken NC. Since I never have been caught I can’t say for certain what I would do if a WS tried contact me after D day. I know that I would be ****ting my pants hoping to gawd that her H won’t contact my W. For that fact alone, I wouldn’t contact her, but as time went by and if she contacted me, I would think it easily could start up again. This is why have to EXPOSE… just stop being scared and do it right when you find out.
An A never seems to get old, it is always exciting and as you keep getting away with it, it becomes as important as anything, if not more. You stop feeling guilty and the BS has officially lost their spouse. I actually tried ending this A couple times and each time failed. It is very easy to be pulled back in, but I did end it, she didn’t handle it well…. but did move on. But since we never got caught, I am positive that if I was to contact her at anytime, she would be mine again…. And this is the reason, I do not trust allowing your WS to get out of the fog on their own. I have seen BS allow this, and it makes me cringe each time cause even if you get your W back, it is very easy to lose him/her again. They did it once, they will do it again… cause you allowed it once, you will allow it again. REAL CONSEQUENCES causes the WS to look back at the A and the AP in disgust… this is what you want.
Guess there is going to be 4 parts of my story, cause the last A I had was the most intense and I really got lost into it. It drained me, for the first time I put her, the AP before my family. I didn’t like that at all. It is the A that finally woke me up enough to finally seek help and really try to change my behavior.
For Part 2, I decided to go a different route and write about some main points of certain A’s and my mind set during them. Adding in some things a BS should look for and what I think has to be done to end them. I think I will add a Part 3. To detail where I am now and how I got there. I was to just add this to my initial thread titled “Can a Serial Cheater/ Narcissist Change his Stripes” but since the theme is different I thought it deserved its own thread.
Part 2.
I can count on one hand how many ONS I have had since marriage, I never go looking for them. I also am not into porn, yeah I check it out but rarely. However, I am addicted to the whole A process. I like the chase, usually if she is to forward or to easy I won’t be interested or I will lose interest quickly.
I don’t just pick someone out of the blue, I have to be attracted to her, I have to physically see her ( I never have had an online thing); she has to be involved with someone; with the exception of one that I mentioned earlier, I have never lied to any of them about my marriage. They know I am married, they know my family comes before them. I never make any promises to them.
Usually somewhere during the process I lose interest, out of last 10 years, two has gone to a full blown A’s. Two other were PA’s that didn’t involve much of a chase, but I was still interested enough to have it.
With the exception of my last EA (a young intern) all of them were married or in a committed relationship.
The two PA’s didn’t have any much emotion behind it cause I didn’t want them too, sometimes it really is just sex. But, they can turn emotional pretty easily if they both want it too. The first one happened when I was transferred and my family didn’t move yet… she worked at the front desk and was very cute. It stopped after I left my extended stay and my wife and kids moved up. The other one was a coworker; I bring her up for that fact alone.
Co-Workers – I probably could have had numerous EA’s or PA’s with fellow employees if I wanted to. It is the easiest ways to have one and it maybe be one of the hardest one’s for a BS to find out about. I say this cause a lot of the cheating can be done from work on work phones, emails, and IM (instant messenger). Plus, you see the AP every day, and depending on the job obviously, it is easy to get away (lunch break, business trips, after work gatherings). Also, unless they get caught in the act, your employer isn’t gonna stop it; nobody will come forward even if the suspect it, and HR could careless unless they are made aware, and in most cases even if they are aware, nothing is going to happen unless the act is egregious. If your spouse had an AP and he/she still works with them you’re in trouble. I have heard about work related affairs lasting years even decades. They call them Work Wife’s and Husband’s for a reason.
IM at work is used for socializing most of the time. I am still waiting for some BS to sue some company who allows IM under such grounds. So much flirting and I have to believe a bunch of initial contact between future AP start with IM. Ask your spouse if IM is used at their work. Don’t allow your spouse to go to work related gatherings or after work get together without you. Make your presents known. Let their co-workers see you because co-workers will notice if he/she is always out alone. You showing up, even if you don’t want to can stop anything from starting. If your SO doesn’t want you to go, they shouldn’t go either. Communication with your spouse is a must. Listen to your spouse, who he/she is talking about. It is one of the stupidest things a WS does, but we all seem to do it, we just can’t stop talking about the AP or someone we are interested in. I have even caught myself doing this and made a point not to. If your spouse is having an A with a co-worker, they have to quit the job and expose the affair to HR and co-workers. Tough **** if it is going to hurt financially so does divorce.
I was always against having any type of A’s with a co-worker. I broke my rule this one time. In my case the AP was a co-worker who was engaged. It was very easy to have without getting caught cause it was a PA without any real emotion and contact was kept at work during lunch… daily. They are very hard to end cause it is so easy to have. Mine ended when they moved after getting married. I can still talk to her to this day if I wanted to.
As I mentioned earlier, I had two pretty serious A’s during this time. The first was the shorter and the less serious of the two. It lasted about 8 months and she was the wife of an acquaintance, not a friend yet, but he started to become one and that is why I ended it. I been with all types of females, but I am very drawn/ attracted to girls with tattoos. She is a very nice sleeve; we had a bunch in common and the same interests. They been married for 5 years, but together for 10, she never cheated before (I believe her because she was very nervous in the beginning and not experienced at these type of things.) They were having problems, but seemed very much into each other, they wanted kids but had problems conceiving and he was the bread winner and wasn’t happy that she hardly worked. Here are the steps that led us to cheat…..
I met her when a mutual friend of her husband and I was leaving her job and moving out of state. I was instantly attracted to the AP, but her H was there and I made some small talk but kept it light. As the night went we would find ways to talk to each other in group settings but by the end of the night, I felt a mutual attraction between us. I didn’t see her again for a few months, didn’t seek her, hoped to run into her again and did when the friend that left came to visit and she had a get together. I only stopped by but the AP made it obvious that she didn’t want me to leave so soon, I had to but we exchanged #’s secretly before I left.
The Beginning of an A: Like any relationship, this is the feeling out process, and when there is still guilt for what you are doing. You will rationalize it as just a friendship and it is in the most part, but the intentions aren’t and this is why you have to know what your spouse is doing, if you feel something is wrong ACT. The more time you wait the closer the two gets. I hate when I see the BS tell their tale and mention feeling early on something isn’t right but afraid to act on it or being manipulated not to. In our A, I even mentioned to her if her H knows she gave me her #. Knowing full well she didn’t, but was letting her know I didn’t care without outright saying it. I like to take my time, pushing and pulling, stringing her along, making her want to want me more and more each time. She would ask to see each other and I wouldn’t initially, but by the time we met I had her. I had to teach her how to hide it, and she got good at it.
It got pretty serious with the “I love you” and all that. It was not real, but it does feel like it at the time and if we got caught, her H would have had a hell of a time getting her out of the fog. I suspect she would of broken NC. Since I never have been caught I can’t say for certain what I would do if a WS tried contact me after D day. I know that I would be ****ting my pants hoping to gawd that her H won’t contact my W. For that fact alone, I wouldn’t contact her, but as time went by and if she contacted me, I would think it easily could start up again. This is why have to EXPOSE… just stop being scared and do it right when you find out.
An A never seems to get old, it is always exciting and as you keep getting away with it, it becomes as important as anything, if not more. You stop feeling guilty and the BS has officially lost their spouse. I actually tried ending this A couple times and each time failed. It is very easy to be pulled back in, but I did end it, she didn’t handle it well…. but did move on. But since we never got caught, I am positive that if I was to contact her at anytime, she would be mine again…. And this is the reason, I do not trust allowing your WS to get out of the fog on their own. I have seen BS allow this, and it makes me cringe each time cause even if you get your W back, it is very easy to lose him/her again. They did it once, they will do it again… cause you allowed it once, you will allow it again. REAL CONSEQUENCES causes the WS to look back at the A and the AP in disgust… this is what you want.
Guess there is going to be 4 parts of my story, cause the last A I had was the most intense and I really got lost into it. It drained me, for the first time I put her, the AP before my family. I didn’t like that at all. It is the A that finally woke me up enough to finally seek help and really try to change my behavior.
