[Canadajin]

Hi there again,

First off, I don't even know if "cheatee" is a word but what I mean by it is that I am the person who was cheated on, while the "cheater" is the one (my wife) who had been cheating on me.

You may remember me from this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59395-adulterous-wife-had-2-abortions-before-we-met.html

Quick update, my wife and I are getting along a lot better. We have decided, for the immediate future, not to divorce and to put things back together for the sake of our children. I did kick her out of the house for one night but it was so tough trying to take care of my 3 kids, the youngest one especially, that I allowed her to come back home.

I realize that I do love my wife but am still trying to cope with the amount of men she had been with before me and the fact that she did have 2 abortions with a chap from Nigeria before we met. I am also still trying to get over the 4 emotional affairs she maintained while dating and being married to me.

OK, now here it is: because she hid her past from me and brought some of her past into my life (3 out of the 4 guys she was having EAs with were ex-boyfriends), she has allowed me to go out and sleep with other women (ex-girlfriends, women from dating sites, escorts, massage parlor staff, professionals etc.).

I do like the thought of being allowed to go buck wild and sleep with as many girls as I like but really don't think it will help me get over what has been done to me. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to go sleep with a woman years younger than me with no strings attached and the rest but will I be just making a torn apart marriage even worse? Will there be no turning back?

I'm guessing every man would love to have the opportunity I have been given but I just don't know if I am up to it or not. Again, would love to have no-strings-attached sex with random women again but...

What say you?

 

[Disenchanted]

Don't do it.

 

[southern wife]

It would make the situation worse.

 

[C-man]

Agree. If your marriage means anything, don't do it. Or separate first.

 

[KanDo]

Hi there again,



I realize that I do love my wife but am still trying to cope with the amount of men she had been with before me and the fact that she did have 2 abortions with a chap from Nigeria before we met. I am also still trying to get over the 4 emotional affairs she maintained while dating and being married to me.

OK, now here it is: because she hid her past from me and brought some of her past into my life (3 out of the 4 guys she was having EAs with were ex-boyfriends), she has allowed me to go out and sleep with other women (ex-girlfriends, women from dating sites, escorts, massage parlor staff, professionals etc.).

I do like the thought of being allowed to go buck wild and sleep with as many girls as I like but really don't think it will help me get over what has been done to me. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to go sleep with a woman years younger than me with no strings attached and the rest but will I be just making a torn apart marriage even worse? Will there be no turning back?

I'm guessing every man would love to have the opportunity I have been given but I just don't know if I am up to it or not. Again, would love to have no-strings-attached sex with random women again but...

What say you?

NO! Not every man would want his "opportunity". Thsi suggestion is the perfect storm for your marriage. If in fact you do love your wife, then this shold be the farthest thought from your mind.

Please don't make hasty decision to take her back or to throweverything out the window. Decide in haste and regret in leisure applies in reconcilliation.

 

[TCSRedhead]

It won't fix the problems, it will just add more to the mix.

 

[MrK]

Go for it. I started a similar thread a little while ago where I wanted to ask my wife if she'd mind if I did that. I mean, just because she hates me but wants to stay married for the kids doesn't mean I can't go looking for a little intimacy elsewhere, right?

 

[Ovid]

Don't even think about it, and no not every man wants this...

 

[Broken at 20]

I notice, revenge affairs never seem to yeild the intended results.

You think it will help you feel better, and get over the betrayal.

Well...the number of things that coud go wrong are uncountable.
Like, your wife could go angry. Women are impossible to understand. She may have given you the green light to do this, but that doesn't mean she is expecting you to actually go through with it.
If you do go through with it, she may lose her sex drive completely because she feels betrayed by you.
Just because she is giving you the green light to trample her feelings (which I personally am usually all in favor of) this does not mean this is a good idea, or the correct way to do it.
You could get the person you sleep with pregnant. There is a whole other can of worms.
You could even fall in love with the person you sleep with. You are upset and hurt with your wife. Do you really think having sex with another woman will help your situation by making you love your wife more? I don't think love works that way.

 

[MattMatt]

NO! DO NOT DO IT!

There needs to be one person in the relationship who remains, for want of a better term, out of the ditch. See, your wife fell in a ditch. It's YOUR job to pull her out, not to leap into the damn mud with her!

 

[SelfTweaks]

Wow...really?

How could you even contemplate this? If you just experienced all this pain at the hands of your wife, how would you 'returning the favor' help your marriage?

I thought the reason you were hurt was because she broke her vow of commitment? Because she lacked integrity?

Someone in this marriage has to be the adult and show the other what it means to remain committed no matter what the situation or circumstance.

Remember two things: One, if two people lay down together, at least one will get up with feelings.

Two, if you do the same thing you have been complaining about in these posts....

Then what do you have to complain about in the first place?

 

[DavidWYoung]

Boy, This is going to be one large train wreck. Please do not do that. Thank you.

 

[walkonmars]

If you do, your children can find you both enjoying the gutter. Great example for them haw?

Shouldn't they have AT LEAST ONE parent that isnt morally bankrupt?

 

[Wolfman1968]

You lose the moral high ground if you have a fling, even with her permission.

 

[thesunwillcomeout]

If you cheat (and that's what it'll be), she's off the hook. Is that what she wants?

 

[The Middleman]

I'm going against conventional wisdom. If you think it will cause her the same pain it caused you (and give you an ego boost), I say do it. Too many WW's get away with "I'll be a good girl" (same for WHs). There would be a lot less cheating if there were a lot more penalties and based on what I see here, there are no penalties. Just my opinion.

Edit: I bet I don't get any "LIKES" for this posting.

 

[Wolfman1968]

I'm going against conventional wisdom. If you think it will cause her the same pain it caused you (and give you an ego boost), I say do it. Too many WW's get away with "I'll be a good girl" (same for WHs). There would be a lot less cheating if there were a lot more penalties and based on what I see here, there are no penalties. Just my opinion.

Edit: I bet I don't get any "LIKES" for this posting.

But it's not really a "penalty" if she gives permission. In fact, it's almost a reward.
Look, if you did a crime and you could choose between a year in prison or $1000 fine, you'd pay the fine. In this case, having the "cheatee" (as OP put it) do some cheating on his own is like paying the $1000 fine. It's easier than having to grovel for forgiveness every day.

And, quite frankly, I don't think it's a full penalty anyway. It doesn't involve the same lies, deceit, blow to self-esteem, disrespect, etc. that this "allowed" encounter would have. Cheating is about more than just putting a sex organ where it doesn't belong.

 

[theroad]

Revenge affairs never repair any damage but only create more damage.

 

[MattMatt]

I'm going against conventional wisdom. If you think it will cause her the same pain it caused you (and give you an ego boost), I say do it. Too many WW's get away with "I'll be a good girl" (same for WHs). There would be a lot less cheating if there were a lot more penalties and based on what I see here, there are no penalties. Just my opinion.

Edit: I bet I don't get any "LIKES" for this posting.

None from me, but only because I did have a revenge affair. And you know the crazy thing? My wife's affair hurt me. My affair? Broke me so totally I was on Seroxat for the crushing depression I went through. It really wasn't worth it.

 

[The Middleman]

None from me, but only because I did have a revenge affair. And you know the crazy thing? My wife's affair hurt me. My affair? Broke me so totally I was on Seroxat for the crushing depression I went through. It really wasn't worth it.

Well you lived through it and I haven't. If it caused you problems then I fully understand your POV. However with my personality, I need to strike back hard when I'm hurt. I can think of anything that would hurt me more than if my wife took a lover and brought his filth home with her into our home/bed. If I can't get even, then I'd have to get out. I'm saying this now because that's how I feel now, but if I actualy go through it at some point, we'd just have to see what happens.