[cndrwil]

My wife and I have been married for just over 2 years now. She is older than me by 12 years, and has 2 children that are married and have children of their own. She was married for about 16 years before. About a month ago, she went on my computer, not a big deal, my computer is open to all who come to our house. She found porn on there, and when she asked me about it, I didn't want to lie and say it wasn't me so I told her the truth, that I watched porn from time to time, maybe a few times a month.

She lost it. She considers all people that are in a relationship that watch porn are cheaters. She feels that she is not pretty enough or skinny enough for me now. She is disgusted with me and won't speak to me. She is moving out at the end of the month, I am living in the camper. Her children won't tell her that their husbands watch porn also because they are scared of her reaction to this. They say they support me, but if they don't tell her, is it really support? She has agreed to sit and talk to me twice since she found the porn 30 days ago. I of course have begged and pleaded with her that it meant nothing, that it was just fantasy. That when I look at her I look at my wife. She doesn't believe me. She thinks it is cheating plain and simple. I should point out that she was cheated on in her first marriage. I know that porn is wrong, how would you feel if it was your daughter, etc. And I can honestly say that I will never watch it again. She says that even the thought of me being close to her makes her feel sick to her stomach.

I don't know how in depth to get here, but I need advice and I am willing to answer any questions. I am truely lost without her in my life. She took me from being a drunk that had no future to being a person that people really find to be a happy person.

She says she doesn't have any self esteem and that I have put her back in that dark place she thought I brought her out of. She says she has no strength, but she is the strongest person I know. I also know that she doesn't like to admit when she is wrong, so I believe that once she walks out that door, she will never let me back in her life.

I have been seeing a counciller to help myself with these feelings that I have been going through, but it just doesn't work. She truly is my best friend, and I don't feel that I really have anyone else to fall back on to talk to.

I am just looking for some advice here. I have given her all the space I can, and let her be with her thoughts.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

Its not just PORN why she flew off the handle.

Its deeper she hold deep resentment of you and that was just an easy out for her... she's over the top on this.

Probably best you find out now. You didn't do anything other than what most men do from time to time especially it their wives don't keep them sexually satisfied.

Porn IS NOT cheating. Because its not a real human interaction. Its about the same as a steamy romance novel is to women. Same sort of reaction generated in the brain... Men (Visual) Women (Emotional/Relational). Both are SMUT.

You should stop if wife doesn't like it but no reason for her to fly off the handle... its something else guaranteed. Kudos for you telling her "Yeah I watched some Porn" at least you were honest!!

Your wife has issues if she is that threatened by some Porn. She needs to go cry herself to sleep.

If you feel you need to....Write her a heartfelt apology letter and read it to her... let her know that you are sorry you hurt her. That will will learn from this blah blah blah. Won't do it again then stick to what you promised her.

Get her to move on or let her go... shes damaged goods and stuff like this will resurface later.Beware.

Its not really about you its HER and her demons from childhood and previous relationships.
Id throw it back at her at some point and have her prove Porn is cheating... she can't.


Do that later after things calm down and she still holds it over your head.

Use this to your advantage... she way overreacted.

You need to be strong...you apologized... fessed up. Make sure you don't over-react trying to please her. She needs to process this incident an move on. Not that much of a biggie so don't treat it like one!

STOP BEGGING AND PLEADING NOW! That makes you look WEAK. Move on yourself from this incident. Distance yourself from the moment she discovered the Porn. Move on in your life and wait for her to catch up.

You did NOTHING horrible. She needs to come to grips with that, quit feeding her. ManUp

Good Apology....move on.
I wouldn't move out make her divorce you first if shes that crazy. Move back in .
No need to live in a camper when you are married.

If she refuses to let you in call the police. You two need to hash this crap out in your marital home together. Let her be sick to her stomach...make her clean up her own vomit. Be strong now more than ever... shes not stable. Don't let her do this to you. Be strong.

 

[unbelievable]

Porn isn't my thing but I don't consider it "cheating" nor would it be a legitimate issue to toss a husband out or to go bat crap crazy over. You're a guy. Naked women appeal to you because you're a guy, just like every guy that's ever inhabited this earth. If she doesn't think she's skinny enough, she can find the grid coordinates to a gym. Clothed or not, as long as you have eyes, you will be looking at women. If a woman thinks her husband doesn't notice other women, she's delusional. As a practical matter, is looking at porn adding something to your life? It's kind of a sad waste of time as far as I can tell. In your case, it turns your wife into a drama queen nut job, so is the pleasure worth the hassle? Her kids don't need to be in the middle of your marital business one way or the next. To them, she's "mom" and "grandma" and that's the extent of their relationship with her. There's nothing to be gained by even talking to them about it. They are blood and you're the guy that's been married to Mom for two years.

 

[40isthenew20]

Tell her to grow up and stop overreacting. Porn is not cheating and you have nothing to apologize about. Tell her that she should blow you every time you have the urge to watch some porn. She'll get the point.

 

[Chelle D]

It is just dirty pictures type site? or videos??
Or was it one of those sites that you actually have interraction with the someone on the other end? (ie video chating, or chat box?)

I think I would be upset if hubby went to a porn site with chating available.. or two way video chat.

But as far as him watching the videos...Nope, that's not cheating.

She is over reacting if it is just looking at dirty pictures. She needs some counseling.

 

[Mavash.]

She took me from being a drunk that had no future to being a person that people really find to be a happy person.

I'm going to guess she's a bit touchy from this or she thinks since she helped you she owns you. To say it's a HUGE overreaction to leave over porn is an understatement.

How long ago did you quit drinking? Did you guys seek help to heal from the ramifications of this?

 

[cndrwil]

I thought there might be some talk of how porn is bad... And I do believe that it is not really the correct thing to do. In response to the question of what kind of porn... It was lesbian type porn videos. No live stuff. The kind of stuff that could never happen in a marriage of two. And I would never ever want to share my wife with someone else.

In regards to the something deeper comment, I am thinking that too. I keep wondering if it was my start a project never quite get to finishing it until a month or two or three later, and going way over budget on them. Not picking up my clothes right away. Or maybe just not helping around the house enough. I do all the outside yard work and all the "man" things in the house, even do the dishes every once in a while.

I kind of think it may have been the added stress of having her daughter and her husband, and their 4 year old living with us for the last few months, but she would never say that, and I loved having them around, but we just never had that tv night on the couch or get up sunday morning and lounge in our underwear till noon time. There was never just us time.

In regards to the bj comment, actually I don't really need to comment on that one.

Thanks for the comments so far, I would like to hear someone say it may be wrong though. I sure am feeling that right now.

 

[Chelle D]

IMO... if she was married for 16 years before.. She's no spring chicken to a mate watching porn. Either that, or her ex was extremely good at covering his tracks when he watched porn, or bought nudey magazines.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

Thanks for the comments so far, I would like to hear someone say it may be wrong though. I sure am feeling that right now.

Self-defeatist attitude?

Its not wrong and widely accepted as things men do sometimes.
Just like women and bachelorette parties.... or girls nights out.

Should have hid it better that was YOUR MISTAKE.

Use Incognito Chrome and CCleaner. Don't download it just stream it.

BTW I'm off porn 'now' to try to resolve my marital impasse.
Pretty much bored with most of it anyhow. Rather have my wife fer sure.

 

[cndrwil]

Thanks Trying.... I am off it now too. Would take my wife any day over a porn actress.

Chelle, I think that she thinks because her exhusband cheated before, the porn is just the start. That one day I will be doing it to her too. I just wish she would trust me when I say it could never happen. I would rather walk away than try to hide it. But I can't lie to her, she sees right through me.

Mavash, I didn't quit drinking, I just quit drinking all the time. We still go out and have fun, and I have my beer on the weekend, but I don't think she ever thinks she owns me over it. I would really like for her to say councilling is in the cards, but she won't talk to me about this so I am in the dark. As far as she is concerned it is about cheating and nothing more. If it were about other faults of mine, which I am sure is a lengthy list, I could possibly accept it, but she won't say.

 

[Mavash.]

I still think she's overreacting. I had a bible thumping friend who is so against porn you have NO idea. In a twist of fate her husband ended up being hooked on the hard core stuff. They went through a rough year or so dealing with his addiction but she didn't leave him over it and yes she considers it cheating too.

 

[waiwera]

cndrwil - was porn discussed before you married?
It's one of those things like religion, politics, child rearing etc that folk tend to have firm views on. Good if you both know each others views before the marriage.

In my view i don't like porn (or smutty romance novels). I turns me off way more than turning on but if my husband wants to look he can... 'I'm not the boss of him'. He's a grown man and I don't consider it cheating.
At the same time he knows i find it yuck and he sure as he!! isn't getting any action off me if he's been watching it.

We both know where we stand. I don't think you two did.

PS: Good on you for being upfront. Too many on these boards suggest lying to you spouse about porn, which just makes my blood boil. Honesty is always the way to go.

 

[wiigirl]

I'm going to guess she's a bit touchy from this or she thinks since she helped you she owns you. To say it's a HUGE overreaction to leave over porn is an understatement.

How long ago did you quit drinking? Did you guys seek help to heal from the ramifications of this?

:iagree:

Posted via Mobile Device

 

[cndrwil]

Waiwera, we never did discuss that at any time. I didn't know she had such strong feelings on it. I knew that she probably wouldn't approve, but not to this extent. Her son actually threw her nephew a playboy video last thanksgiving... we all laughed had a good chuckle about it.

I have been reading a few of the strings on here tonight, and yes some of them do promote lying. I said it before, she can see right through me when I lie, so I don't bother doing it to her. To not get caught, I just think what would she say about this, and I usually make the decision not to put myself in a postion where I would have to lie.

I guess I am kind of lying to her through this... Her step son watches alot of porn, maybe what she saw was his but he would never come forward with that information, and I wouldn't want to put him in this boat I am in right now.

I just hope she comes around I guess. Self defeatist attitude, I guess, but she is the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I made that vow on our wedding day, and I will stick to it until she says its time not to.

 

[Cee Paul]

My wife detests porn and has forbidden me to watch it but hasn't wanted to sleep with me for almost 9 months now, so I'll be damned if she's shutting me out of both forms of pleasure, so when I get turned down by her I turn to porn later on when she's asleep or if she's maybe out running errands.

*And guys don't forget to erase your browse history when you're done, or she can easily check on your latest activities or searches*

 

[moxy]

Her reaction to "just porn" seems pretty extreme -- unless she is religious, it was somehow interactive like with cams and cybersex conversations, or there is more to the story than you are sharing. It could well be the straw that broke the camel's back, however.

How was your sex life before the incident? How were the two of you getting along before the incident? Do you both work and bring income to the household? Do you both contribute to domestic chores and upkeep? Do you talk to each other? Were there lots of fights and arguments? How did you react when she first found out? What are your fights and arguments like when you do have them?

It is too much to ask your step-kids to confess their husbands' interests in porn. Their refusal to share the info doesn't mean a lack of support. If they're telling you they support you and trashing you behind their back, that's different. Hopefully, when she vents about it, they say that they don't think it seems to be too extreme or that it isn't their business or something else rather than fanning the flames of your wife's anger. It's not too much to ask them to remain neutral.

Your wife has been betrayed and is probably very sensitive. The lying and secrecy is worse than the act itself. So, the fact that you were hiding this behavior has obviously really upset her. I wonder if she felt that she wasn't getting enough sex in the first place and then discovered this...?

Can you appeal to her to give you one last ditch effort? Like maybe go to Marriage Counseling for just four sessions with a person trained in infidelity and porn addiction (not that you're addicted, but as she is hypersensitive to the issue, such a skill in a counselor would help). Let her know that you don't want to lose her and that you will stop watching porn because it upsets her. In her mind, you were the one that cheated so you're the one that has to do the heavy lifting to demonstrate that you do want a life with her and that you will restrict your sexuality to your marriage and not porn. Now, if that isn't something you can do or are willing to do, then let her go. If, however, you are willing to ditch the porn, then you need try to make it up to her. Don't excuse it or try to get her to see it as no big deal. Tell her that you understand you screwed up; while you didn't see it as a big deal yourself, you now understand that she sees it as a big deal and you won't do it again. Maybe she will agree to counseling and give you a chance. If she doesn't, then you will have to give it some time to settle before asking again or you will have to move on.

 

[moxy]

I guess I am kind of lying to her through this... Her step son watches alot of porn, maybe what she saw was his but he would never come forward with that information, and I wouldn't want to put him in this boat I am in right now.

Do not drag someone else through the mud with you like a dishonorable rake. You watched the porn. She is mad at you. Dragging someone else into the shame isn't going to absolve you of it and it isn't going to make her want to give you a second chance. At best, you'll look like you're trying to convince her not to be bothered by something that bothers her a heck of a lot, just to avoid her anger. At worst, you'll look like a guy who can't deal with his mistakes and has to drag other people into it just so he doesn't feel bad.

Leave other porn watchers out of it. This problem is between you and your wife. She doesn't want you watching it. She found out that you does. She is checked out of the relationship. You know you did this thing that she is objecting to. You have two choices: 1) stick to your guns and say "there's nothing at all wrong with it and I'll continue"; or 2) accept that it is objectionable to her and give up the porn. #1 will guarantee her departure sticks. #2 gives you a chance to work things out. If you lie about #2, you will crush her; so, if you don't really mean to give it up and make good with her, then let her go.

 

[SimplyAmorous]

waiwera said : It's one of those things like religion, politics, child rearing etc that folk tend to have firm views on. Good if you both know each others views before the marriage.

I agree, people NEED to be honest about it before they marry. I knew my BF/now Husband had 300 playboy mags under his bed and liked that sort of thing... even though I was a good girl , I never felt threatened by this somehow...


IF Your wife is willing to sit down with you & talk this out, salvage this relationship - consider buying this book ...to read together >>

Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship: Books

It was written by a husband AND WIFE ....who decided to hear each other out ..no matter how painful.... with the determination to understand each others feelings ....and to NOT throw their marriage away that easy over the porn issue ...as your wife seems so willing to do. Far too many women feel this way and they put up a wall without even listening to the husband... very very sad . Infact destructive.

This couple has WALKED your shoes... this wife can relate to every perceived hurt a woman feels .....but also this man will be able to explain the allure in porn -but also that doesn't mean a man fails to love & cherish his wife at the same time......it goes both ways.... and every couple owes it to themselves to UNDERSTAND the other .... before throwing a relationship away . Addiction to porn & using it over a wife is another issue entirely -not what this book is about.

I bought the book for pure curiosity...(Me & mine enjoy a little soft porn together now)... I didn't read it to the end, but I believe the husband gives it up willingly, not out of compulsion, threats or fear tactics from his wife....but only after he FELT HEARD by her....how utterly important... and he heard her side as well.

It would be awesome to read such a book together and talk openly after so many pages.

Far too many women JUMP like a crazy person when they hear their men have looked at some porn.... I got a little too religious at one time & had my day of over-reacting -when I would find files on his computer (always about those Playboy bunnies)... I'd post scriptures on his desktop, I think I cried a little bit..but he never denied me & was at my beck & call ... couldn't ask for a better husband. Now I let him look at anything he wants, I like it too!

But at that time...I did not understand the male psyche .... nor did I ever read a paragraph to how Testosterone affects the brains of men... women just don't get it. I started LOVING it when I had a Test increase, so I fully "get it" now and for me, It would even be a deal breaker if the man didn't allow me to watch it ! -- So go figure.

It is a rare rare man who doesn't slip a little porn now & then, even if they are his convictions. One of man's greatest battles. >> Every religious man worth any salt knows this - why such books have been written >> Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time

I hope your wife will come to reason in this...

 

[dubbizle]

My Friend you are a grown man so start acting like one and don't hide things,if you like porn let her knoiw and she will either accept you for who you are or she can find somebody else.

To me that is just crazy and this is why when people are dating they should not hide things,let it all out because that bshould stop the problems in the future. Yes my wife knew I watched porn before we got married and I still do and we have a very good sex life.

 

[kipani]

I consider some porn cheating but at the same time I try to reason with myself over it. Cam *****s? That is definitely cheating. There is interaction with cam *****s. They can talk to you you can talk to them.

Videos isn't cheating. It's too impersonal. Him jerking off to other girls sickens me inside though.

When I caught my spouse with it, I no longer felt special. I no longer felt like 'his one and only'. Some girls just can't deal with it. I'm not as close as I was with him before. I'm suspicious of everything now. Hell he's always suspicious of me and gets jealous if I check out a tv actor.. But he watches porn? Pfft...