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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been married for 7 years and for the last 6 have been seeing a other woman from time to time, it so happened that my wife found out about it, i confessed and admitted my biggest mistake in life thus far and i am relay truly sorry, but how do i make this wright again is there some one that has all ready gone true what i am about to endure and is this a safe-able thing in terms of my marriage, i have tow beautiful boys one 5 and one 6 months i don't want to loose my wife or children and are will to do what it takes.
i am struggling to find the answer as to way i did this in the first please does this mean i have some problem? please some one just give some advice.
 

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well unfortunately this is a consequence of actions as far as answering your questions are you still seeing the person in question ? if so and you you would like to stay married I would suggest getting rid of them. Maybe offer MC as a place to start with your wife how does she feel ?? does she want to move on or work things out ?? you have hurt her tremendously and may not even realize how much you have hurt her this is gonna change your marriage rather you realize of not. I would tell your wife that you are no longer seeing the person in question, offer to write a nc letter and would be willing to do anything that she request of you in order to stay married. Give your wife some space in order to deal with things and just wait till she feels up to talking

Good Luck
 

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Cheating for 6 out of 7 years?? That's a tough one - from her perspective basically the whole marriage is a lie.

The number one thing you have to do is give her all of the truth. ALL OF IT. If you've held anything back get it out there ASAP. Seriously man, as deep a hole as you are in you can't afford anything that makes it worse, and her finding out more later is most definitely worse. Make sure she knows it all, at least that way she can start to move forward. The number two thing you have to do is go absolute no contact with the OW. No contact as in she never existed. This is non-negotiable. The third thing you have to do is own your sh!t. Step up. Say you did it, talk to her about it, confess to whoever she needs you to. Do anything and everything she needs/wants you to.
 

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First, you gotta understand a couple things. First is, it will be totally up to your wife if she wants to reconcile. Second, and this may be semantics, however don't ever say you confessed everything when the truth is you got caught.

What does your wife want to do? I mean you basically cheated on her for your entire marriage.
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I agree with the others....your marriage has basically been a sham. And that is exactly how your wife sees it. 6 out of 7 yrs you gave attention that your wife deserved to someone else. You need to sit down with her and find out what she needs from you.

You absolutely need to attend IC, that will help you determine what in the hell is going on in that head of yours.

Please do not be surprised if she divorces you. I do not think that I could handle my husband having an affair for majority of our marriage.
 

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As an aside...I think she's gonna have issues with you when she realizes that BOTH times she was carrying YOUR children, you were out screwing around.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back when my wife's xOM's wife found out about the extent of the affair. She was 9 months pregnant when the affair began AND the affair was going on with the term and birth of their second child.

I'm just sayin...don't be surprised if this doesn't haunt the living f outta you.
 

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I agree with all of the previous comments.

The first thing you need to do is get real humble real fast. Your conduct shows an incredible lack of character. You should start each day by looking at yourself in the mirror and repeating, "I'm just whitetrash" (or whatever ethnic slur is appropriate in your case.)

If your wife wants to save your marriage, please realize that you have a long row to hoe. It may take years of work to save your marriage. Man up, be patient and get IC or MC.

I also suggest that you work on character development. You seem to lack principals. Your marriage vows really meant something. Perhaps you should read the Bible.

Good luck and God bless your wife and keep her safe. Remember - the one who bore two children for you!
 

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I wanted to encourage you to stop lying, to comit your self to be radically honest from now on. I wanted to suggest you to grab a calendar and write a timeline of the affair but.. 6 of 7 years? The entire marriage was a sham. That's what your wife is going to believe.

If miraculously you are given the chance will you need a complete makeover, a 180 turn around. This is not something you did, its' who you are. So you need to change.
Some words come to mind: humility, honesty, patience, respect.

Don't lie ever. Lies = manipulation.
Find out what the f0ck is wrong with you. Seriously. Find it. Adress it. Change.

Nobody is irredeemable.

Send OW a NC letter, search the web for templates. Simply and to the point is better. If you have doubts come here to edit it. Then Give it to your wife to aprove it and send it to OW.
Block OW from every avenue of comunication.
Get rid of every reminder, gift, memento.
Do it all with your wife aproval. In case she's angry and not willing to hear anything you do it anyway, forward the NC letter to her, take pictures of the burning pile of "affair" stuff.
Trust was broken, it's going to take years and years to build it up again. There's situational trust.
First level is she must believe you are not making a fool of her still: So give your wife access to your emails, don't delete texts for now on, give her the passwords, make yourself acountable of your where abouts. You are an open book forever.


This little book has only 100 pages.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
There's also e-book version aviable at the autor's page: Here
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Tanks to all of you that replied in the manner that you did. most of the statements are the same and yes i do agree, i have had the time to say it all, i told her every little thing i can remember.
The other part to the responses i can say that looking back on what i have done to here shamed me a lot, she agreed to go for MC and give me one last chance to work on our relationship to see if one day she can let me in to here circle of trust. I will keep you guy's posted as this goes on. i do think she is a Angle from heaven to be willing to give me the chance to start with MC together.
Tanks again for all the comments. Tikka! Ps: the other WO is out and ERASED!
 

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I have been married for 7 years and for the last 6 have been seeing a other woman from time to time, it so happened that my wife found out about it, i confessed and admitted my biggest mistake in life thus far and i am relay truly sorry, but how do i make this wright again is there some one that has all ready gone true what i am about to endure and is this a safe-able thing in terms of my marriage, i have tow beautiful boys one 5 and one 6 months i don't want to loose my wife or children and are will to do what it takes.
i am struggling to find the answer as to way i did this in the first please does this mean i have some problem? please some one just give some advice.
not a mistake sir - a mistake is turning left when you should hve turned right - this is betrayal and deceit - sorry. cant be undone - and it sounds to me you are sorry you got caught - not sorry you did it. my sense is you felt you could get away with it and did it over and over and over.....you get the point. first realise that
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
not a mistake sir - a mistake is turning left when you should hve turned right - this is betrayal and deceit - sorry. cant be undone - and it sounds to me you are sorry you got caught - not sorry you did it. my sense is you felt you could get away with it and did it over and over and over.....you get the point. first realise that
My be you don't understand the way i am taring to explain that i am sorry for doing it not sorry for getting caught! but tanks anyway.
 

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First thing you should do - is figure out why you did it.

There's something in you that you are trying to fill, probably. Kinda like a hole inside you maybe? Affection, attention, the thrill of the hidden aspect of it? Maybe you felt entitled to have an extra relationship? Maybe you feel too much pressure to be "the man"?
Or maybe you have some kind of addiction to sex? Maybe you feel as if your wife is sacred and you'd rather get nasty with another woman? Maybe you feel this is what men just do?
See. there could be more than a couple of reasons.

I know you're sorry. That's good. But sorry-ness without understanding will only get you so far. This is a time for self-reflection.

My husband did this - had an affair but then refused to talk about it - my whole problem with that was - then how do we know what we're dealing with and how do I know you won't do this to me again? And how did he know HE wouldn't do it again?
Like, what's the problem?

Until you define the problem you'll not have a chance in hell of solving it, right?
AND
In daily life - give her access to your phone, your email, your credit card statements and anything else she asks for.
Understand this will take a long time to recover from.
And go talk to someone - counselor, church group, whatever.
 

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Tikka,

If she is willing to forgive and you are willing to change you two can fix this.

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harely. The two of you need to learn how to affair proof your marriage. This book and others by Dr. Harley can help you do that. You can both read the book and then do the things they say to do.

Your wife will need a lot of help to get over this. One of the sad things that often happens when one spouse is caught cheating is that the betrayed spouse (BS) ends up having an affair themself. Some call it a revenge affair. BAsiclaly the BS is so broken by the orginal affair that they seek out anything to get over the pain. Revenge affairs don't get rid of the pain. they just cause more problems.

But affair proofing your marriage means taking care for both of you.

Often times it's believed that affairs start because the emotional needs of the WS (wayward spouse) are were not being met in their marriage. But in your case I'm not sure this could be the case as you have basically cheated almost all of your marriage. So you never really gave your wife a chance to meet your needs.

Hence the two of you need to start from scratch in rebuilding your relationship.

You really do need to figure out why you did this. On the surface it looks like you really have no respect for your wife and really do not care for her. You need to look deep into yourself and fix yourself or you will do this over and over again.

I do know someone who did exactly what you did. But after several years he stopped. She did find out and they almost broke up. But it's been 12 years now since he stopped cheating and he's been faithful and a good husband. So you can do it it you want to change.

How did you communicate with the women you cheated with? How did you find time to be with them? These are imporant questions.
 

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You cheated her for six yrs out of seven yrs of marriage and you want to save it? Is there anything left to save?
She gave you a chance is really shocking to me........ but take it as her gift and grab it.

Deal your infidelity properly, dont let it go, seek some professional help. Allow her to express her disgust pain and hurt. Dont allow it to bottle up and become resentment to wards you in future.

There is a lot of works for you to do. But the choice of R or D is with her.
 
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