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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been married for almost 16 years, have 3 children, a nice home etc.
Several years back my hubby had an affair with a much younger woman. I found out about this and asked him to leave, he wouldn't and never actually admitted to the affair. As my children were all very young I made a concious decision to try and make the marriage work. Which I can tell you now, was very tough!
Things seemed to be going ok for the last few years, though my hubby never seemed to be a dedicated family man, always at work and never seemed to make time for me and the kids. I basically do everything at home that involves the upkeep of our farm and house and the kids.
I know things hadn't been perfect for us, but had thought we were working towards the same goals.
Then earlier this year he began to get more distant, didn't want to touch me, more time at work, less interest in me and the kids etc...
But still, I had given my trust back to him and thought he had learned his lesson from the first affair, even though he hadn't owned up. Big mistake on my part!
Things were going from bad to worse recently, he'd been hiding his cellphones and making sure the ring was on silent and they were always locked, also window closing on computer when I entered the room. Extra showers and all that sort of stuff.
I figured he must be seeing someone else and had a fairly good idea who it was.
After several days of me hounding him, I finally got the truth, yes he is having another affair, with someone at work! (the person I thought).
Unfortunately, all of this came to a head in the early hours of xmas morning, quite possibly the worst xmas day I have ever had and ever will.
It was so difficult with the kids.
I did show him the door, which I think was the best thing for both of us. He went straight into her arms, which broke my heart but if he wants her that much, I guess I did the right thing.
Apparently this has been going on for over a year :(
What can I say, maybe it's for the best, he never really ever put any effort into our marriage or life. I'm just really heartbroken :(
 

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I am sorry that you are heart broken but your wisdom will pay off in the long run. You had the good sense to honor yourself above and beyond the level that he iw capable of. I hope you have a great lawyer and get everything you need to build a life for yourself and your children without him.
 

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There´s a reason the saying is true: "once a cheater, always a cheater". The person that does it once, can do it over and over, because they know they are capable of it... I´m sorry you have to face it, but I wish you the best lawyer and the best for you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks everyone.
Yes, a good lawyer I will need, my kids future is what matters most to me now.
I feel so stupid for trusting him after the first time, a leopard never changes their spots!
I just thought he wasn't capable of it, unfortunately, we often don't know our partners as well as we like to think we do :(
 

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Some people are truly not monogamous, no matter how they have been raised or what they have been taught. It's just not part of the emotional or biochemical make up.

It sounds like this fellow would do better finding other, non-monogamous people.
 

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I hope you will realize that you were not being stupid. You were trusting and giving a second chance in the belief that your husband was sincere about his intent.

He is the person in the wrong, he is the idiot, not you!
 

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Thanks everyone.
Yes, a good lawyer I will need, my kids future is what matters most to me now.
I feel so stupid for trusting him after the first time, a leopard never changes their spots!
I just thought he wasn't capable of it, unfortunately, we often don't know our partners as well as we like to think we do :(
Being on forums and seeing people in real life I can say some people do change, but very few.

To give an honest chance you trusted him and he betrayed that. You did nothing wrong. Hopefully you can trust who ever is in your future.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I needed a bit of moral support so I've just re read the replies.
Its almost been a week now and even though I'm not feeling as fragile, I do feel isolated as all my family live overseas.
I have barely heard from him since he left (says it all really) and he's only visited the kids once since he left (well twice if you count xmas day) :mad:
I'm not relishing the thought of being on my own, even though he never really spent a lot of quality time with us.
I just feel like he's robbed me of the life I thought we were going to have together. Gosh this is difficult, I know we have no future together now, but it doesn't stop me feeling this way :(
 

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Be strong. Even thought your family is overseas, do you have any close friends or even his family to help you? Maybe there is a local support group to give you what your family can't physically. Your gut has been right many times before and it will help you to make tough decisions through this difficult time. My heart goes out to you... All the best to you and your kids.
 

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So sorry...i know its not easy, but if its any consolation - at least you KNOW now.

Not to make this post about "me" but what i'm finding the hardest is giving my husband a second chance and living with the suspicion/lack of trust. I recall when i found out the first time about the affair, what a weird calm feeling came over me because i realized that I WASN'T CRAZY, that my suspicions/hurt feelings were right.

I take comfort in the fact that if he does it again, the answer is pretty clear cut - its over. I'm proud of you for showing him the door (on Christmas, too!) i know it couldn't have been easy. At least you can now move on with peace of mind and the decision is clear. And lets face it, the fact that he went straight to 'her' should only make it easier for you to move on - as you acknowledged. There was a long time where my husband was 'not sure' about 'what and who' he wanted and was so back and forth, it was torture. I felt, as a dutiful wife, a responsibility to remind him/show him that he was making a mistake/giving up on all we had accomplished together and that pressure to try and carry the marriage was really hard. Just think, you are free and clear now. Free to surround yourself with honest and good people, friends and family who will recognize that you did the right thing and no more guilt, suspicion, or feeling that it was your fault. Embrace that! Show your kids that you believe that in an authentic, honest life not to be compromised! you can do it!
 

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Mumofthree,

I can't applaud you enough. Wow- in my book, you are the heroin of the story. You did everything a woman possibly could do to try and make the marriage work. The easiest thing to do to save you pain and grief would have been to kick him out on the street the first time you found out about the affair. But you saw the big picture, and despite your hurt feelings, you decided to take the long route and try to repair the damage done. Not only for you two, but also for your kids. Divorce is hard on little tykes, and it's good for you to have gotten past yourself and considered their feelings too.

As far as the wayward husband, that is his choice and his choice alone. This is not baseball- when it comes to cheating, once is qualified for divorce. And for those amazing people who give their spouses another chance- twice, and they're out. You did more than enough on your end, and if you're husband doesn't pick up his slack, then that's his problem. Your broken heart will mend, and you have three wonderful support systems to help you through. We are also here for you anytime you need to talk.
 

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Mumofthree,
Believe what people say and believe in yourself!! It will be hard for awhile, however, I have faith that you and your children will be better for it in the long run. You were honorable in your actions to try to make it work (i am in that process now). If you trully feel you have done everything you can it is time to move on. You deserve to have someone in your life that will love you as much as you love them. Always remember the three most important words in the world are "I AM SOMEBODY" - Our thoughts, support, hopes and dreams are with you.
 

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You really should be congratulating yourself for taking back control of your life. You've been working so hard to try and put your marriage back together. Your strength will get stronger and although you feel like your busted right into a million pieces, those pieces will find a way to glue themselves back together and b4 you know it you'll be complete again. Focus on those kids, continue to make them your first priority. They'll help you get through this.
 

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you will get through this just take it one day at a time. the first sign is when you realize you actually smiled without faking for the kids sake. easier said than done but try going one hour a day without thinking about the hurt before you know it you wont even have to try
best of the best for you.
 

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The part that blows me away with people like your ex husband is how is his new love interest ever going to trust him. Their relationship is based entirely on cheating. He will cheat on her and even if he didnt she will never trust him. He will get his due. What comes around goes around.
 

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Mumofthree - hope you are haning in there & know in your heart that the decision you made was the right one. Hopefully things are getting easier & you are adjusting to you new life.

Someone was mentioning "strikes" - would like some thoughts on my husbands strikes
found out having an affair when I was pregnant with 2nd child but took 2 months to admit the truth.
he was very undecided during that time if he should stay or go. He got the other woman pregnant after he decided to "stay" & work on us.
I didn't find the pregnancy part out until my daughter was 2 months. (2/06)
Found out 1/5 years later (8/07)of a sexual encounter between the him & the other woman around from (2/06).
Since the 2/06 things have seemed to be improving but when I found out in 8/06 - I was very upset & started seriously thinking divorce/seperation. We are curerntly seperated until I can decide what I want to do.
I left out many details but that's my situation in a nutshell - Any comments . . .
Does he deserve another "chance"?
 
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