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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
First, I'd like to say my story is VERY LONG. Certain details could not be left out because it's important to have a better understand of everything. Be patient and understand I am not a writter at ALL. It was very difficult to write and try to remember all the main points.

I've been with my husband for almost 9 years, married for 5 years. We have 2 daughters together and I have a son from a previous realationship. In all the years we have been together I have felt loved. We went through a lot to be together(took awhile for my dad to come around) so I felt our relationship was even more special and we talked about how much we valued it because of this. With me having a son coming into this relationship I was a little nervous. My concerned was if he would be able to accept my son also. My son was no different to him. He accepted and loved him as his own. We moved in together prior to marriage. He helped me raise and support my son. Another plus to the relationship. How can I not love him? We married after 3 years of dating. He also motivated me to better myself. I had the motivation, I just lacked the confidence in myself. You are supopose to love the one that makes you want to be a better person.

With all that said, we had our minor problems. I say minor because we had good communication between eachother and our family. We had the same values and goal for our life together. We had an active sex life and it was great. I didn't feel anything was missing. I noticed how he struggled with his weight. It was up and down for all the years we have been together. That made me think depression right away. I tried to ask him about it. I asked if there was anything wrong or if there was anything I can help with. His reply was always the same. . . "no problem". It wasn't just the weight, it was the way he ate when I knew something was bothering him. He would go through sweets like no one I knew. A pan of brownies in one night. That is not what an "ok" person does. He wouldn't share his thougths and feelings often, even though he was always interested in mine. When his father passed away, not one tear, not one converstaion about how that made him feel. I tried to talk to him again. His reply was how everyone passes away at one point or another. He also never shared much of any information about anything. I didn't even really know how sick his father was untill the last months of his life and he had cancer. His dad was tough so it was hard to tell how sick he was. Even, the last few days of his life, my husband made it sound like he was ok. He always said it was so I didn't have to worry about anything. He was always protective when it came to that. He wanted me to be happy, so he sucked up all the stress and worry.

The other problem we had, which wasn't a problem, was that he didn't believe I was attracted to him. He felt I didn't approach him enough when it came to the physical part of our relationship. I would disagree, because honestly, once we were in bed he would give me a 10 second window to start anything and if I didn't he would get upset and the mood would be ruined. I'm a romatic, I like cuddling and kissing before jumping in. What girl doesn't? I explained that many times and it never seem to get through to him. He felt I wasn't interested enough and because he thought that, he felt he wasn't exciting or what what I wanted. Like I said before. . . We had an active relationship and it wasn't as if I never "finished". I did every time and sometimes multiple times in one session. IT WAS GREAT! I have nothing to complain about. We shared many new experiences together. I felt it was always exciting because we never rushed through it. We took the time and enjoyed it, always. Both of us had only been with one other person prior to eachother but I never felt unsatisified. Because, he felt I was uninterested, many times he would ruin it by taking certain situations out of hand, trying a little too hard to get me interested. At times I felt like "meat" to him beause he was trying so hard to impress me. I also expressed that feeling to him, which also never sank in. This was our #1 issue. The one problem we seem to argue about the most. I couldn't conviencevhim to believe in me.

My husbad's job requires him to be available at all hours of the day. Never having to work after hours away from home but to be available for assistance since he was the only person who did his job. Because of this, he has a company phone and carries it at all times. I always felt a little uneasy about him keeping it in his presence at all times. Always in his pocket. Naturally, I felt that was a little strange and uncecessary. I've always had a "gut feeling" something was wrong. Couldn't pin point it exactly but I felt something was off. Reasons for me to believe so. . . One of his habbits, us going out together and him being a little "too freindly" with other girls. Nothing horrible, but could be a little "touchy" but not inappropriate. It was something I would consider someone not to do when you were are already in a relationship, especially when I had expressed my concern about it. Second, we would go out and he would run into someone he knew(girl/guy) and would end up talking for an hour and ignore me completly. Not even an introduction was given. That one would sting too. We fought about these incidences and he would apoligize and I would try to move on even though I never felt satisfied with his responses. I felt he treated me well but knew he also loved attention from others also.

The sacraficed we made. . . was working opposite shifts so we can save on daycare costs and we would be with our children more. I knew it would be VERY hard on our relationship but after much thought we both felt we were strong enough to make this work. Our goal is just to do this until our kids are in school full time. Nine months ago(March 2012), I came home after work. He was alseep and his phone beeped. I took a look at it and his email was up. Below the new message was an email from a co-worker's wife about time availability for him to go over to help her with a computer issue she was having. I knew he did extra work outside of work for some of his co-workers. This co-worker is also co-owner of the company he worked for. So they abused his job title but he didn't know how to refuse to help because he feels there is no good way around it. I had met this women before and altough I didn't feel there was something going on between them. . . . "THE BAD GUT FEELING" took over me and I started digging through all his emails. Yes, I know, a big "NO, NO". . . . I couldn't help it. I felt my life was crashing down. There were so many emails . . . But there were some that caught my eye. I found a few emails from the same women, dated all the way back to 2008, not even a year after we had our first child. . . asking him to meet up with her, and how she felt she was forcing him into it. As I read on and found more emails, the conversations got sexual but never implied an actual incident. I found the emails in his junk mail, trash and personal folders. I paniked and I woke him up to confront him(He is a hard sleeper and also suffers from narcolepsy). I stayed very calm, and asked him about the emails. He took his phone away immediately(I now wished I would have hidden it before waking him). He was confused and didn't fully understand what was going on. I asked him to hand over the phone once again so I can show him the emails I had discovered. He refused(RED FLAG #1) and said he would hold the phone and show me. He was going through his emails in front of me and it looked like he was typing/erasing something(RED FLAG #2). He swore up and down and assured me it was just junk mail. I questioned the context of the converstaions and asked why some were moved to his personal inbox. He had a reason for every question I asked. After hours of arguing, breaking down, and freaking out we ended the conversations for the morning. This went on for days, weeks, months. Our emails were linked so we could share contacts and I didn't realize I could gain accesses to all of his emails until it was too late. He had cleaned and wiped away all the emails before I could get to them. I found a few he missed or the ones I had already questioned him about. I thought if it were junk mail and if I wrote to it. . . it would come back undelieverable. So I did, for weeks. Just a total of about 3 emails. No undeliverable message but also no response.

For the next months, our life was hell. Sleepless days and lack of motivation for anything. We stayed together, acted normal for the kid's sake. My oldest is 8 years old, so he would know if we acted any different. While we tried to move on I monitored all his emails (which he wanted me to). The ones that looked questionable i would write down. After 3 months of patience, June 2012, He got sloppy or forgot. I Found an alternate email of his, which he also try to pass off to me as junk mail. I discovered a password he used for work and had written it down prior to that. So I logged in with the email address and password I had found. IT WORKED! This time I took my time and read ALL of the emails dated back to 2008. Multiple women but only really had constant contact with about 3 of them. I read every awaful email. I took a mental note of all the dates and times of all the converstaions. There were converstaions of sex, meet ups, pictures and even web cam. MY LIFE WAS NOW CRASHING DOWN. I had all the evidence this time. There was no way of him denying it. I had him backed up against the wall now. No room for escape. The only thing he could do was to come clean. Along with all that, there were emails and pictures of random women his friends had sent him. He would comment every sexual word a guy would say to a friend about what he was willing to do and pay to get with the person in the picture. He tells me that is just guys talking. Fine, I get that but I could never do that. I have so much respect for my husband and our marriage a thought like that could never be considered to be justified.

My life, what our family and friend looking in would say. . . we were perfect and that he loved me so much. MY LIFE IS NOW MY HELL. More days and weeks and months of arguing. We struggle every day. We are fine for a few days then everything settles back down and I go downhill. I'm tired if this sick roller coaster ride.

His side of the situation. He was hurt and bullied as a child(which I do believe, because his mom had filled me in about how he was as a child and never understood certain things about him). I now know the basics although I don't know ALL the details. The hurt and pain, he brushed off as no big deal and played the role of a happy child when in reality there was so much pain because of his hurt. Because of this, he says he suffered from not trusting anyone, maybe only his mother and older sister. He is very close to the two of them. He told me past that, I was the only person that seemed real to him. The one person he felt the most comfortable with. He said him reaching out to those other women meant nothing but an ego boost for him and says many times he felt like it wasn't even real. He swore noting sexual ever happened and the pictures, meet ups and web cam was just to see how far they were willing to go for him. Bottom line. . . . it was all about him being so INSECURE. He swears he never lusted or wanted anyone other than me. The problem now, is that he SWORE to me before that nothing was going on. I couldn't/ can't trust him. That is all gone. What I can say is based on the way he treated me and how actively physical we were. . . I believe him or I want to. It's just hard to do that now.

He agreed to go see a psychiatrist. Which he went about 4 times. After the first session it was decided he was suffering from dissociative disorder. More focused on depersonalized disorder(periods of detachment from self). It is explained as a defense mechanism by someone who had a traumatic childhood. The actions were considered to be normal and mild compared to others....

With all this, I am still with my husband. I want to be able to trust that what he is telling me now is the truth. I'm struggling with how to get there. How I can let go of what had happened and move on from ALL this. I love my husband still. I want to make this work. He never blamed me for his actions. He takes full responsibility for all he has done and the hurt he has caused.

Because he talked to me FINALLY of all his troubles. His walls have come down and he has no place to hide. So his emotions take over him and when it does, it eats away at him because it kills him that he did what he did.

I have not confided in anyone. I didn't want to expose what happened to us because it would mean to expose what happened to him as a child. We are working at trying to get through this together. But, I feel all alone, like there is no one who can help me with my confusion over all this. This is the only way I can reach out.

PLEASE HELP ME! I would appreciate any comments or suggestions. Please keep in mind, I am with my husband still and to be respectful of that.
 

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Your husband is a serial cheater.

If you rugsweep this, you will become more emotionally unhealthy & you will never be able to trust him. Your marriage will be in name only.

Please read the "Coping With Infedilty" forum & threads on this website.

At a minimum, you both need marriage counseling.

Good luck.
 

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Please read my story - my husband did something similar, although yours has been at it far longer than mine. There's also a newbie link in my sig that is invaluable.

What happened to him as a child doesn't matter one whit. If he isn't willing to get help for that and work on himself, but instead chose to cheat, what does that tell you???

This statement "He swore noting sexual ever happened and the pictures, meet ups and web cam was just to see how far they were willing to go for him. Bottom line. . . . it was all about him being so INSECURE. He swears he never lusted or wanted anyone other than me. " is pure and utter bull pucky. He had sex with them and is now lying to you again. The man is totally without scruples.

PLEASE do not ignore this. It WILL NOT go away. You MUST act and act decisively, or this will keep happening. You cannot believe anything he says here. I know you want to save things, but unless he shows true remorse, which he isn't, you're not doing anything but allowing him to continue to cheat. And believe me, he will.

1) Get tested for STD's. Stop having sex till he proves he is clean - ie he gets tested too and shows you written results
2) demand full, unhindered and constant access to his phone, email, computer, bank accounts, credit card statements etc
3) demand that he enter into individual counseling and stay in it till he has addressed his issues
4) demand that he email the women he was in touch with more than once and tell them he will no longer be contacting them. He does this IN FRONT OF you and you witness it.
5) monitor him via keylogger (do not tell him) to see if he really stops
6) He closes down every secret email account and every internet presence that had to do with these women. Again, in front of you
7) if any of this does not happen, or if he backslides, you kick his ass to the curb.
 

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He does not seem to be owning what he did. There has to be full transparency and disclosure for there to be any trust to be restored. I'm sorry but you dont "meet up" with someone like that just to test how far they might be willing to go. He is blame-shifting this to his childhood instead of manning up about it. I wish you luck.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
I've been with this person for years and with each child I've always been checked for STD's. His experience as a child was nothing that happened between him and an adult. It was a bunch of drunk jerks who made kids do things to eachother.

I have access to everything, phone, emails and even his work access.

Contacts have been cut because although I didn't know them.... I was able to track down one based on name and area she lived. I even contacted the husband. Not sure what happened there but at least she knew I knew where to find her.

One of them lived out of state and based on emails she didn't know his real identity. All other emails were closed the day I broke in.

Last one, didn't seem truly apear interested hopefully because she realized he was married. Thankful to that one...

All our finances are shared accounts and nothing is out of order there.
 

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I've been with this person for years and with each child I've always been checked for STD's. His experience as a child was nothing that happened between him and an adult. It was a bunch of drunk jerks who made kids do things to eachother.

I have access to everything, phone, emails and even his work access.

Contacts have been cut because although I didn't know them.... I was able to track down one based on name and area she lived. I even contacted the husband. Not sure what happened there but at least she knew I knew where to find her.

One of them lived out of state and based on emails she didn't know his real identity. All other emails were closed the day I broke in.

Last one, didn't seem truly apear interested hopefully because she realized he was married. Thankful to that one...

All our finances are shared accounts and nothing is out of order there.
All I see here is what YOU have or are doing. What is HE doing?? HE needs to get STD tested. HE needs to give you access to things, and he'd damned well better do it with a smile on his face. HE needs to write NC letters. HIM. NOT you.

Right now he should be willing to chop his left ball off and hand it to you on a silver platter. Is he???
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
He admits he is at fault for everything. He only talked about his childhood experienced because that caused him to be insecure. He doesn't blame me for any of his actions.

The "meet ups" are what I can't get past. That is where I don't fully trust him that nothing happened. But, in all the emails and messages I read, there were never any details of actual incounters. It was always just what they would do or teasing.
 

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Again I ask - what is he DOING?! You know he's a liar and a cheat. You can NOT trust what comes out of his mouth. All you can attach any significance to are his ACTIONS.

Another thing HE has to do is get into counseling. Please go back and read the post I listed stuff off in.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I'm not saying I trust everything he says. I think about all the years that we have been together. He was "good" through our years. Our relationship past what he had done was what is considered a good marraige. Even the therapist said so. We have good communication and we cared about eachother. I'm not dismissing what he did for a second. He is very much aware he has to gain my trust again. All he wants is a chance to prove he can be what I always thought he was.... A husband to be proud of.

It's hard to go talk to someone about our problems but we have been discussing that subject again. That will happen and STD's will be tested.
 

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Forget about what he SAYS. Concentrate on what he DOES. Now. What he is DOING now. THAT will tell you whether he's truly remorseful.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
What he is doing:

1- He has sinked all his emails into mine.
2- Provided me with all his usernames and passwords for all the computers he uses, even the one's he uses at work. I'm able to log in at any time and view everything that is doing on his desktop.
3-Because we work opposit shifts, he says up with me every night that I am feeling a little low and keep me company via email all night and sometimes into the moring until I get home. Then after 2-3 hours of sleep he will get up and go to work. Keep in mind this is a man who is diagnosed with narcolepsy.
4-Household chores has never been an issue. Everything is 50/50, always have been.
5-He comes home and stays as long as I need him to during the day if I'm feeling low and to support me.
6- He never blames me and owns up to all that has happened.

As I said before. Our marriage and situation is maybe rare from most. Our marriage, the way we were with eachother was NOT a problem. We DIDN'T hate eachother and we DIDN'T fight that would leave us sleeping in seperate rooms. We always make-up before going to bed and sometimes if I were too stubborn, we would still hold eachother to sleep. We have never left the house without hugs, kisses and saying "I love you". He never went out to bars or wanted to go hang out with friends without me. We spent MOST all our time together other than work. We had an active sex life, between 3-4 times a week. Which most of the times would last for hours. Not an exaggeration at all. He always made sure I had orgasamed (sometimes multiple) before he would finish. He always made sure I was staisfied.

All these actions MEAN something. If he didn't care about me, our marriage would have been much more similar to other's on here. It's not at all. Far from it. This is why I can't base our future solely on his inappropriat actions. I'm stepping back and looking at our whole life together. This is why I am still with him. I'm not sweeping anything under the rug. I am dealing with this very clear headed. We are both fighting to be together.
 

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You wanted help getting through this.

He will probably never "confess." Most cheaters do not.

I think you need to assume the "meet-ups" happened. I know if my husband went to all the trouble arranging them, then "something" happened.

That being said, you obviously love your husband very much & want to continue in this marriage therefore, with the full transparency you have now, it behooves you to forgive (not forget) him in your heart & move forward.

Read the "Reconcilliation" stories on this site for advice.
 

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All that stuff is good.

It doesn't sound like he has given you full disclosure though. It sounds like he fed you a line and you decided not to push it even though you don't believe him.

This is serious stuff: "There were conversations of sex, meet ups, pictures and even web cam." What do you think REALLY happened?
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
You wanted help getting through this.

He will probably never "confess." Most cheaters do not.

I think you need to assume the "meet-ups" happened. I know if my husband went to all the trouble arranging them, then "something" happened.

That being said, you obviously love your husband very much & want to continue in this marriage therefore, with the full transparency you have now, it behooves you to forgive (not forget) him in your heart & move forward.

Read the "Reconcilliation" stories on this site for advice.
I completely agree. Because I don't know for sure and never will....I realized I have to accept this as if he slept with them and learn to forgive him.

I just don't know how to get there.
 

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So you believe he slept with other people, he is not willing to disclose the truth, yet you want to forgive him?? You don't even know what you're asking yourself to forgive. That is not possible. And it is called rugsweeping. By not demanding full disclosure, you're allowing him to keep his dirty little secrets. They will undermine everything else he does.

If I were in your situation, he would either be taking a polygraph or he'd be out on his ear.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
All that stuff is good.

It doesn't sound like he has given you full disclosure though. It sounds like he fed you a line and you decided not to push it even though you don't believe him.

This is serious stuff: "There were conversations of sex, meet ups, pictures and even web cam." What do you think REALLY happened?
No, he didn't feed me a line. I push him every day and we talk about this most every day. It's TRUST that is broken. Without knowing ALL the details of our whole life and not knowing him.... It is very easy to compare him to ALL the CHEATERS and place him right next to them. Difference is.... he doesn't behave like most of them. He is not threatening to continue what he had done, he doesn't get angry with me, only at himself for the hurt, and he is willing to do anything I ask of him.

I'm not in denial and believe it's impossible he could never do those things. What I will not do is believe the only possibility is he did without evidence proving it. I will not throw away what we had on assumptions. You can't assume every situation is the same.

What disclosure are you referring to? What else are we missing?
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
So you believe he slept with other people, he is not willing to disclose the truth, yet you want to forgive him?? You don't even know what you're asking yourself to forgive. That is not possible. And it is called rugsweeping. By not demanding full disclosure, you're allowing him to keep his dirty little secrets. They will undermine everything else he does.

If I were in your situation, he would either be taking a polygraph or he'd be out on his ear.
Yes I do. I'm taking the worst case scenerio....him sleeping with them....and trying to work past it. It's possible....to forgive....it's just much much more work than most are willing to do. I'm not "rugsweeping" anything. I don't let anything pass me and if there are questions I have, we talk.

Yes, it's easy to throw it all away. I still believe it is worth saving. I a firm believer that if he isn't what he says he is to me now and if lies have been told. It will catch up to him and it will all unravel. But, if there is a chance he is telling me the truth about all this... If I threw all we had away because of anger... I'd be broken as well. I'm taking a chance and if 10 years from now it's all what I have in mind for us.... It's worth that risk.
 
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