[baddecisions]

I cheated on my functioning alcoholic husband of 5 years (15yrs together) and now I'm so depressed. During the two month affair with my neighbor, I had justified my cheating because of the years of torture dealing with my husbands addiction. Now that's its been a few weeks and we are doing therapy, I realize how wrong I was. I'm seeking therapy to help understand why I made decisions I did and to deal with my depression. Just wondered if there was anyone out there in my shoes. I'm disgusted at my behavior and I've ruined my marriage. At the time of the affair I was seeking to fill a void in our relationship and it was the worst decision of my life. H an I have some good days and some bad days. I realize now that I've always had identity issues and self image issues due to things in my past. I didnt like myself before and now I really hate myself. Anyone else ever go through this or have experience with someone who did. H suggested I post here again because this site has been so comforting to us both. We realize that we have a long road ahead of us because of my actions. Thx
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[Hicks]

You can't change your past, but every day is a new day for you to choose to live as the person you want to be.

 

[baddecisions]

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[baddecisions]

Thx for the advice. It's such a hard time because H asks me for answers daily and at this point I don't have clear answers to rationalize my actions. That causes daily fights with H. Some days he is sad and some days he calls me trash ***** and lots of other things. He has the right to hate me but I'm starting to really believe those things he says. That I'm a useless piece of trash. Sometimes I don't know what my purpose is in life. I can't get mad at him for saying those things because I deserve it. It's just hard to not fully believe his words.
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[Hope1964]

If you two aren't already, get into counseling. Sure you may deserve it, but your husband should NOT be calling you names like that all the time. When I decided to give R an honest try, I made sure that name calling, freaking out at him, bringing it up in a blaming way, all those things were OFF the table. They have to be for true R to happen.

 

[sweaty teddy]

Thx for the advice. It's such a hard time because H asks me for answers daily and at this point I don't have clear answers to rationalize my actions. That causes daily fights with H. Some days he is sad and some days he calls me trash ***** and lots of other things. He has the right to hate me but I'm starting to really believe those things he says. That I'm a useless piece of trash. Sometimes I don't know what my purpose is in life. I can't get mad at him for saying those things because I deserve it. It's just hard to not fully believe his words.
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well, cheating is never right .....but being a functional boozer isn"t ever right either.

you both need to own your respective rolls in how your marriage is.own it and then start a new. maybe it will spark back up or maybe it will wither on the vine either way life goes on.

is he still drinking?

 

[aug]

I cheated on my functioning alcoholic husband of 5 years (15yrs together) and now I'm so depressed. During the two month affair with my neighbor, I had justified my cheating because of the years of torture dealing with my husbands addiction. Now that's its been a few weeks and we are doing therapy, I realize how wrong I was. I'm seeking therapy to help understand why I made decisions I did and to deal with my depression. Just wondered if there was anyone out there in my shoes. I'm disgusted at my behavior and I've ruined my marriage. At the time of the affair I was seeking to fill a void in our relationship and it was the worst decision of my life. H an I have some good days and some bad days. I realize now that I've always had identity issues and self image issues due to things in my past. I didnt like myself before and now I really hate myself. Anyone else ever go through this or have experience with someone who did. H suggested I post here again because this site has been so comforting to us both. We realize that we have a long road ahead of us because of my actions. Thx
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Is this your husband? http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61769-my-wife-cheated-neigboor-help-me-think.html

 

[baddecisions]

We started counseling finally which is helpful. Should have done it a longtime ago.

He hasn't been drinking for a few weeks now. He is like a new man. It's amazing.

Yes....coldworld, formerly Beer is H. I had another post on here a few days ago too.
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[SomedayDig]

You do have a long road ahead of you. Make sure that you are transparent with every single thing. Counseling will definitely help. As for your first post in this thread, I hate to be a stickler, but I am going to say one thing: "I cheated on my functioning alcoholic husband"...

While that might be true, it makes it appear that you are blaming your affair on his addiction. Do you see what I'm reading? Again, not trying to be a jerk, I just want you to be aware that the way you say things to your BS can honestly make the difference between him understanding you and feeling like you're blameshifting.

 

[baddecisions]

You know I was thinking that when I wrote it SomedayDig. Your right. I need to be more aware of that because I know H thinks I use it as justification. There is no justification for my actions. Thx
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[Racer]

If you two aren't already, get into counseling. Sure you may deserve it, but your husband should NOT be calling you names like that all the time. When I decided to give R an honest try, I made sure that name calling, freaking out at him, bringing it up in a blaming way, all those things were OFF the table. They have to be for true R to happen.

I disagree with you Hope. If you can’t handle getting names thrown at you... I’m not quite sure what that says about your character that THIS would be your boundary you choose AFTER the disrespect you’ve already shown your partner. I’m not sure what you would reasonably expect: “Gosh Honey, I sure am disappointed with you. Please refrain from doing that again.” (In a stern tone)? Wouldn’t that be nice.....

It can’t go on forever..... but until your spouse has a chance to get in a better emotional state? Actually, if you look at ‘why’ you are offended so badly, doesn’t it really stem from this idea that name calling and emotional abuse isn’t what you do to people you love or what a good marriage looks like? Does sleeping with other people fit that either?...

The marriage should reflect how it is, not how you want it to be. Screwed up, dysfunctional, with a lot of hurt and pain is how it is now. The words shouldn’t try to make it something it is not. Better learn to deal with reality and work for what you want from where you are now, instead of trying to live the fantasy of what you thing it should be. “Should have been” was changed when you broke your vows. You “should have” kept your legs closed in a marriage too. Now there is just the reality of shattered dreams and the question of what kind of relationship do you have now because it looks and feels nothing like a marriage (at least to a betrayed partner). Work toward “should” don’t expect it “just because we're still married”.

 

[SadandAngry]

Look inside. There is no real justification for what you did, because there were other options, like leaving. You took what you thought would be an easier option. You gave up, but didn't finish your marriage. You decided to be completely selfish. You made those choices, not him. That's pretty much all you can tell him, because at the bottom of it all, that's all there is.

Will you two be able to save your marriage? Who knows? You both have to want it. You both have to forgive one another. You both have to respect one another. You both have to call the other when they try to pull some ****, or start to revert to the dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. You have to be honest, and open with each other. You both have to start really listening and considering each other's points of view, in order to be able to work out realistic, meaningful compromises.

 

[SadandAngry]

I disagree racer. One party cannot have carte blanche to disrespect and run down the other party at any opportunity. Not if you want the marriage to be strong and healthy. That takes 2 whole, healthy people.

I'm not saying people can't occasionally lose their cool, we're all human, but it cannot become a habitual, normal part of the marriage. If the BS cannot respect their spouse, there cannot be reconciliation.

Sometimes you fake it til you make it. Thoughts can follow actions, so you do it and you start to feel it. Whatever works, if you really want to reconcile.

 

[Hope1964]

I disagree with you Hope. If you can’t handle getting names thrown at you... I’m not quite sure what that says about your character that THIS would be your boundary you choose AFTER the disrespect you’ve already shown your partner.

What I did had nothing to do with what he could or couldn't handle, or him at all, really. I adopted that attitude for ME. Not for him. And only once I decided to R.

Don't get me wrong - I did my fair share of swearing at him at first. I guess the length of time since D day matters here. How long has it been since he found out, baddecisions?

 

[baddecisions]

This all came out a few weeks ago. Since then he has asked the same questions on repeat every day. Not only that, he says inappropriate things about the situation in front of the kids. I'm totally in the wrong and I accept 100% responsibility for my actions. I just have a hard time with fights being started in front of the kids. Our adult issues should be kept between us. Last night we had one of those arguments. He asks me the same questions, I answer them, he gets angry, starts calling me names in front of the kids, I walk away, he follows me, the kids follow us, and it continues. Last night the kids shut the door saying "daddy stop yelling and being mean to mommy". I know I destroyed our marriage and caused all this. Just wish he could keep the anger toward me only. If this keeps up, I'm not sure we should be staying in the same house. Don't know what to do.
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[tom67]

This all came out a few weeks ago. Since then he has asked the same questions on repeat every day. Not only that, he says inappropriate things about the situation in front of the kids. I'm totally in the wrong and I accept 100% responsibility for my actions. I just have a hard time with fights being started in front of the kids. Our adult issues should be kept between us. Last night we had one of those arguments. He asks me the same questions, I answer them, he gets angry, starts calling me names in front of the kids, I walk away, he follows me, the kids follow us, and it continues. Last night the kids shut the door saying "daddy stop yelling and being mean to mommy". I know I destroyed our marriage and caused all this. Just wish he could keep the anger toward me only. If this keeps up, I'm not sure we should be staying in the same house. Don't know what to do.
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He is fighting 2 demons now you and the alcohol please give some time as long as it does not become physical.

 

[Hope1964]

You cheated, you leave. You're right, your kids don't need this.

I take back the MC recommendation. Get into IC and figure out why you did what you did.

Later, MC will be needed, if your husband wants you back. If he doesn't, then you made your bed.

 

[baddecisions]

I would leave but I need to care for the kids. I don't want to take them away from their father any worse than I already have.
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[sigma1299]

I get what you're talking about, but it's not productive thinking. It's not our screw ups that define us, it's what we do about them that does. Everyone screws up, everyone makes bad decisions (not to say everyone cheats) but not everyone stands up to be held accountable and pay their dues. Not everyone will turn and face the music. So accept that you made some very bad decisions, do your best to put it back to right, and learn from it. Use it to improve yourself, you might as well get something out of all this pain.

 

[Acabado]

he says inappropriate things about the situation in front of the kids. I'm totally in the wrong and I accept 100% responsibility for my actions. I just have a hard time with fights being started in front of the kids. Our adult issues should be kept between us. Last night we had one of those arguments. He asks me the same questions, I answer them, he gets angry, starts calling me names in front of the kids, I walk away, he follows me, the kids follow us, and it continues. Last night the kids shut the door saying "daddy stop yelling and being mean to mommy".

It's simply unacceptable. No grey areas anywhere. Unacceptable.
The very moment he start lashing out in front of the kids you remove them AND yourself from the situation. Period.

Beyond the natural anger because your cheating he find himself without his usual coping method for everything: booze. He need to learn different, healthy coping skills. And appropiate outlest for anger. Purshase a punching bag and hang it at the garage.

Now, my friend. He's angry, grow a thicker Skin, it's just the pain talking. Picture a trapped animal. See through his words and see the pain. If things get heated, too much to bear you ask him: what's your goal? If he doesn't stop to think and change you remove yourself from the situation again. The aftermath of affairs are something very strange: you find yourslef here because you lacked boundaires, your goal is self respect, to build solid, healthy boundaires... but understand you must be a little flexible for a while. It should come from a place of empathy, compassion (sharing the pain, literally). But don't forget the final goal, think hard your limits so this situation don't become an permanent abusive situation.