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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Okay....well, it's hard for me to know where to begin. I posted here a while back about the possibility of my husband cheating, among other thoughts that could be going on. 2 very long months later and my husband and I have kind of reunited.

For the record, my husband did cheat on me. We are in counseling now, and according to the psychologist he went through a manic spell which made him feel like he could make any choices he wanted, and the consequences were really no big deal. These actions were NOT my husband. We've been together 8 years, and married for 4. Not one day in those 8 years did I ever believe he was capable of such insanity. I was wrong.

These things included:

1. Changing his bank account and moving his check over to that account. For the two months that he was gone, I did not receive a dime from him to help care for our now 17 month old daughter. I made ends meet, but it was a very scary time for me. I am proud of myself for staying strong though and not sinking, when I felt like my ship was going under fast. It was all for my daughter.

2. Pawned many personal belongings of his to buy who knows what?! I still haven't figured that out. I think he was basically giving her money for whatever she needed, and they were living the "high" life at the time.

3. Got himself a duplex to rent. Found out that his girlfriend was staying the night there, on the nights she wasn't working. She works Thursday night through Saturday night. In case you were wondering what she does for a living....she's an 18 year old stripper. Winner! :)

4. There was a 3 day span where he did not text or call me. Not to see if me and my daughter were okay. Not to check in. Not to even say "kiss my ass.". Nothing. I tried to get ahold of him a few times. I knew he was still showing up at work, through a mutual friend, so that was enough to know he wasn't dead I guess. :scratchhead:

5. He quit sleeping. There were nights where he stayed up all night long and would then go into work. She was on a night time "work" schedule, so I guess he decided to join her.

6. He/She gave me an STD. This one takes the cake. It was treatable, but something I will never get over. It was the most degrading moment of my life. Especially since I have ALWAYS been faithful.

So what did I do in the meantime? Well, I decided to work on myself. I lost 35 pounds. Not that I was fat by any means, but I got myself into tip top shape. I'm 6'1, and am now a size 6. At 27, I'm in better shape than I was my first year of college. I went tanning, bought some new clothes and just decided it was time to feel better about me.

So, Stripper decided that she could do better than my husband and moved on. Now, she has a new boyfriend who is willing to drive her around. Oh, I didn't tell you? She has no means of transportation. lol He is more her age. My husband is 26and her being 18 and fresh out of High School...they just didn't have anything in common?! I know, I'm totally shocked too.

Husband decided he wanted to come home and he missed me and our daughter. I'm going to guess because he got dumped. He's been on medicine that evens him out and helps stabilize his moods and think more clearly. In the meantime, she still texts him and he still responds. They snapchat each other as well. I've just had it with the whole thing. I've lost my ability to care anymore. As long as my daughter and I are happy doing our own thing, then I call it a good day. He says he only talks to her because he feels sorry for her and she needs a friend. He says that her dad beat her as a child, and so he's trying to be a good person in her life. Because I care so much about her sob story??

We have even met! Yes, stripper and I met because she texted him asking for money and I told him that if she wants money so damn bad, then she can pull into our driveway and I'll give her 20 bucks. Guess what....she did. She's that freaking low. It was actually good for me though. I wanted her to see that there was a real person, with feelings, behind this mess they have created together. I was very direct with her, and she told me she understood and that she had no desire to be with him....and yet she still contacts him. She abuses pills, and enjoys her free bird lifestyle. My husband feels he needs to help, and no doubt has feelings for her still. This I know.

Seriously....wtf guys? How did my life get here. In all my life, I have never had so much drama. I worked hard to get my degree, find an awesome job, and helped support my family. Not one day went by that I didn't tell my husband that I loved him, before this mess started. He was my best friend in the entire world.

I'm trying to hold on, but a huge part of me wants to just give up. I'm scared and alone. Thank God for my daughter. She is the only light at the end of this very scary tunnel. I just want to do right by her.
 

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Sad sad sad.

As I've said before in other similar threads. Your a stronger person than me.

I think cheating the the absolute lowest thing a person can do, and I don't think I could forgive.

If my husband found another lady I'd beat the crap out of him and kick his sorry rear to the curb.

But I can be a pretty uncompassionate person.

I'm so sorry your going through this, and I can only hope it will all work out for the better in the end. I'll be praying for you. :(
 

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So to review, he left you for her, neglected his child, financially drained you, gave you an STD. She dumped him and he returns to you as his plan B. You accept him back, believing his behavior was based on his "mental" issues. He still communicates with her.

Where to start.

Whether his mental issues played a role in this or not, it shouldn't matter. He betrayed you and betrayed his family. Even if he did have mental issues, you would be relying on those mental issues to be fixed. That's an unlikely outcome in the long run. But just by the fact that he has the gall to continue to communicate with her, it should tell you that they're not fixed and that he has absolutely no remorse.

He continues to disrespect you by doing this. He does not fear you leaving him, because by allowing him to return, he's realized little or no consequences for his behavior.

Frankly, I don't know why you would want to R with this man. The betrayal and subsequent lack of remorse is just too much.

But if there is any chance of successful R, his remorse needs to be tested before you consider it. I would suggest the following:

- You need to ask him to leave the house and tell him you need additional time to think this through because you are leaning toward divorcing him. That you acted too hastily. Tell him, your thoughts on this matter will depend in part, on his demonstrated remorse. Then talk to an attorney and start the divorce process. You can reconsider delaying it, if he comes around. You see OP, he needs to know what it feels like to lose his wife for cheating. That's one consequence.

- Tell him that if he wants to improve his chances, he will send a no contact letter to this OW, that you read and approve. Then he must stop all contact. Period. If you find out that he has continued it, game over. Another consequence.

- He gives you complete access to all passwords and accounts, so that you can log in and monitor his activity. Of course it's more difficult when he's out of the house, but believe me, it's more important for you to get him out of there. If he won't leave, remove him from your bedroom and do a hard 180 on him. Don't have sex with him and talk to him only as absolutely needed. Don't spew venom when you do. Speak calmly but unemotionally. Get out of the house as often as you can. Consequence 3.

- Expose the affair to your family, his family and any way that you can, to the other woman's family. Consequence 4.

If he doesn't fully accept all this and doesn't demonstrate complete remorse in the process, complete your D and move on with your life.

If, after at least two weeks of separation, he does start demonstrating genuine remorse, let him back in the house on a trial basis and go from there. Then post again. Most of us here know what a remorseful spouse looks like.

The bottom line, is that if a cheating spouse doesn't receive significant consequences, he's likely to cheat again, and you're likely to be in a false R. Just that simple.

Stop being his door mat.
 

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according to the psychologist he went through a manic spell which made him feel like he could make any choices he wanted, and the consequences were really no big deal.
LMAO.

Random thoughts...

a "manic spell' huh? This is common affair fog, not some manic episode marking some psychological disorder.

He did it because he wanted to. He did it because it felt good, he did it because when he weighed which was more important... You & the pain he was causing you (and your child) vs. Her & the 'high' he was getting from her... You & your daughter came up on the losing end of his choice.


These actions were NOT my husband.
Yes, they were. This is just the version you aren't familiar with. This is what he is when he cares more about another women than he does about you.

Why did he do this? Because he could. He's a selfish phuck, and your a consulation prize he takes for granted.

I'm sorry if this reality sounds harsh, but you can't keep swallowing these justifications and rationalizations because they are easier to disgest than the bitter truth. Manic episodes and being a selfless caring friend to someone in crisis? :rolleyes: LOL. You want things to be better for you and your daughter? Don't be an airbag he can fall back on when his affairs run into trees. Your worth more than this. It's time you realize it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Well, I will tell you that the psychologist does believe that he is bipolar. It actually runs in this family. It's still not excuse though. There are plenty of people with mental illnesses walking around, and not cheating on their spouse. If you have one arm, and you drive you still have to stay between the freaking lines. No excuses.

I know a lot of you are questioning why I am still with him. Well, don't you think I'm doing the same thing? That's why I'm here. I'm not an idiot. I see everything that is happening to me. I see the kind of person he has turned in to or maybe was all along. I don't think I can change him, he has to change himself. Do I think that is going to happen? No, at least not anytime soon. I think she's going to have to burn him good before he realizes that she is not the person he thought she was.

She is everything I'm not. She's short, I'm tall. She's blonde (well bleached blonde), I'm a brunette, I went to school and made something of myself, she hasn't, I try very hard to be kind to people and she goes out of her way to treat people like **** (that is no exaggeration). I depend on nobody, she gets through her day one pack of cigarettes bought for her at time.

Look, I get that I have no business having him in the house but I'm taking my time with this and trying to decide my next move. In the meantime, he has sold all of his items he had in his duplex. lol I know I shouldn't laugh, but at least I know that if I do end up telling him to hit the road that he won't have a piece of furniture to take with him.

For the last month he has been an excellent father, and so if that is the most he can contribute then I'm happy for my daughter. He continues to try and convince me that I am everything he has ever wanted. He just got a tattoo on his ribs with our wedding date. I feel confident that he knows what he SHOULD do, but sadly it doesn't change his true feelings for stripper.

I don't want to be his door mat. Right now, I don't want to be his anything. I live minute to minute.
 

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Sounds like bipolar. Your husband could be my dad:rolleyes:
 

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I know I shouldn't laugh, but at least I know that if I do end up telling him to hit the road that he won't have a piece of furniture to take with him.

He just got a tattoo on his ribs with our wedding date.
Hitting the road with no furniture - consequence #5

Contemplation of having a tattoo be a permanent reminder of the wife that left him - consequence #6
 

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My brother is bi-polar. He got D a few years back and was M for 30 years or more. He never cheated. His ex did not cheat. But he ended up D her over what he called abuse. My brother is a very sweet guy but can be very bizaare when he is off his meds. Mental illness is never an excuse for cheating (IMO). When people are bi-polar and go into their manic phase it can cause strange behavior but I would never allow that as an excuse to cheating.

I would seriously try get all the information you need to heal.

Sorry you are here.
 

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Sorry, I was wondering because psychologist said manic, meaning BP to me. I was wondering because I am BP. My EX was the cheater...

OK, true feelings for a stripper... That doesn't depict BP. That is a form of Malformedthoughtprocessingestablishmentarianism. Your husband is plain crazystupid.

Sorry, I was just curious. If he is BP, he needs to be on meds because it will happen again if he is not. Need a psychiatrist not a psychologist for that in case you don't know.
 

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My brother is bi-polar. He got D a few years back and was M for 30 years or more. He never cheated. His ex did not cheat. But he ended up D her over what he called abuse. My brother is a very sweet guy but can be very bizaare when he is off his meds. Mental illness is never an excuse for cheating (IMO). When people are bi-polar and go into their manic phase it can cause strange behavior but I would never allow that as an excuse to cheating.

I would seriously try get all the information you need to heal.

Sorry you are here.

Some people are on a higher scale than others. I am on the very low end but my urges can be uncontrollable. Hence meds which alleviate but not entirely. The high end spectrum manics... I don't think we can fathom that. The others, yes I agree, people can choose not to be stupid.
 

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Sorry, I was wondering because psychologist said manic, meaning BP to me. I was wondering because I am BP. My EX was the cheater...

OK, true feelings for a stripper... That doesn't depict BP. That is a form of Malformedthoughtprocessingestablishmentarianism. Your husband is plain crazystupid.

Sorry, I was just curious. If he is BP, he needs to be on meds because it will happen again if he is not. Need a psychiatrist not a psychologist for that in case you don't know.
:lol: Excellent diagnosis.
 

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It sounds like he sees himself as her "knight-in-shining-armor". Does he have low self esteem? He is using her to bolster his own ego, when he should be taking care of his own wife and child.

As others have said he must end all contact with her before you can move forward in your relationship- Although I can't imagine why you would want to. Yes, your daughter needs her dad in her life - but you need a good man in yours and he isn't one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
I feel like my trust issues are through the roof. For someone who has been charged on before, how badly did it hurt your future relationships? I have no desire to be dating any time soon, but I'm just curious if the trust I had in people is shattered forever?
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