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First of all, I do believe masturbation is totally normal and even a healthy option for some people and situations!...

Last night I put the baby to sleep and then went to bed early. My husband stay in the living room watching TV. After an hour and a half I woke up thirsty, on my way to the kitchen I noticed my husband was watching a video on his phone, as I got closer I realized he was masturbating to a porn video. I called his name, he stop and looked at me all surprised and then he said "you were sleeping" and I just stood there paralyzed for a minute or so, then walked away in tears. I was socked, this was the first time I saw my husband masturbating in our 3 years of marriage. He followed me trying to explain and I just locked myself in the bathroom trying to understand what it just happened. When I walked out he was waiting for me and told me, "I'm sorry, is a problem I have, I like touching myself and I haven't stop since I was a teenager" and I told him "I don't want to talk about it right now, I cant think, I'm so confused, just leave me alone" and so he did. This morning he left a note saying he is deeply sorry and ashamed, he never wanted to hurt me and confused me, that he love me and it wont happened again...

I haven't answered his calls all day, I don't know what to say. I know is not like he was cheating on me but I truly believe our sex life was something great we had, since we are very sexual and passionate . Even during pregnancy the longest was about a week without sex. I'm so confused. I feel so miserable, knowing that all these years he was masturbating behind my back even when I ask him and he simply lie about it. As a woman I feel so little, all I can think is "I can't satisfy my husband and all this time I thought I did". Why do I feel so grossed out and humiliated? I really don't know how to handle this. I would understand his behavior when I'm on my period, or out of town, or upset with each other but, We had sex yesterday morning and still he wanted to masturbate at night instead of being with me. How can I trust him, when I feel that I'm not good enough? Please I need help, I need advise!!!:confused::(
 

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Masturbation is normal and he did nothing wrong. Even if he has sex with you every day - even twice a day! - he will still occasionally want to masturbate. Almost every man does, and it has nothing to do with their wives or relationships or their quality or their attraction to you.
 

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I'm stuck with a husband who masturbates chronically, has excluded me in the past and screwed up his own body. Despite that, I wholeheartedly believe that masturbation is healthy and necessary.

If your sex life is good and he is invested in your pleasure, does it interfere? Is it the porn or the masturbation that is the problem?

He loves you. He desires you. You are his wife. Keep an open mind and be honest with him, not accusing. I would never suggest you ask him to give up masturbation but perhaps he can include you? You can make videos together, have fun.
 

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Your reaction is exactly why men hide it. You've pretty much guaranteed that he'll now hide his sexual self from you.
I don't want that to happen, that's why I haven't answer his calls, because I don't know how to react... I do feel hurt because I honestly believe that it has something to do with me... I guess is because I would rather be touch than touch myself unless, I'm not interested in the person anymore
 

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Masturbation is normal and he did nothing wrong. Even if he has sex with you every day - even twice a day! - he will still occasionally want to masturbate. Almost every man does, and it has nothing to do with their wives or relationships or their quality or their attraction to you.
I know is perfectly normal, but what is it that man would want to touch themselves, when they can be touch by somebody else? That is what confused me the most!... Because it always falls to the idea that it has something to do with me?
 

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I don't want that to happen, that's why I haven't answer his calls, because I don't know how to react... I do feel hurt because I honestly believe that it has something to do with me... I guess is because I would rather be touch than touch myself unless, I'm not interested in the person anymore
Maybe you could explore integrating masturbation (on both your parts) into your sexual repertoire. My W and I occasionally do this and it adds a nice bit of spicy variety.
 

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YCS if he is having sex with you that means that he finds you desirable. It does not seem like a replacement for you.

From what I have read and what I have experienced with my husband - it is a stress reliever for many men even if they are happy with their sex life with their wives.

It is quick and simple. They don't want to come to their wives for stress release. He was being considerate. With a baby you need your sleep.

I think of it like this, as long as it is not a substitute for sex, it is his body, I don't own it. It is a private thing and we allow each other privacy.

Sometimes women get into a habit of treating men like one of their kids by trying to control everything they do.

Try to avoid this. You will not be happy with a man who has to explain himself and who is totally controlled by you.

Allow each other the gift of ownership of your bodies that you share with each other. Preserve privacy.

It is not the same as secrecy. He is not doing anything wrong, it's normal so cut him some slack and try to understand.
 

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Then, what should I do so that wont happen?...
The guarantee isn't a guarantee. Talk to him. Ask him questions. Apologize for your reaction and tell him you live him.

Guys get so angry on here about this kind of situation that they take it out on people who had a real life shock and didn't know how to handle it. You in no way guaranteed he will hide his sexuality from you or that he will lie about it.

You didn't even mention the porn. If you had done that I can't imagine the backlash.
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I know is perfectly normal, but what is it that man would want to touch themselves, when they can be touch by somebody else? That is what confused me the most!... Because it always falls to the idea that it has something to do with me?
Are you available, willing, and able 24x7? You have to sleep sometime, and he may be awake, or you're out somewhere, etc. Besides, while it is usually better when someone else is doing it to you, sometimes it's just a matter of getting a release as quickly and easily as possible - he can do that better than you, guaranteed. So, unless he's actually neglecting you, there's nothing to worry about.
 
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I have a good sex life with my wife and that has nothing to do with my masturbating. Besides liking the feeling, I also do it as to satisfy myself to not bother her later. She has been really good after a long LD spell, so I feel as if I got something the night before, I can do what I need to do if I'm still horny (which is always due to my HD).

Your H jerking off has nothing to do with your sex life, besides possibly him doing you a favor.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
YCS if he is having sex with you that means that he finds you desirable. It does not seem like a replacement for you.

From what I have read and what I have experienced with my husband - it is a stress reliever for many men even if they are happy with their sex life with their wives.

It is quick and simple. They don't want to come to their wives for stress release. He was being considerate. With a baby you need your sleep.

I think of it like this, as long as it is not a substitute for sex, it is his body, I don't own it. It is a private thing and we allow each other privacy.

Sometimes women get into a habit of treating men like one of their kids by trying to control everything they do.

Try to avoid this. You will not be happy with a man who has to explain himself and who is totally controlled by you.

Allow each other the gift of ownership of your bodies that you share with each other. Preserve privacy.

It is not the same as secrecy. He is not doing anything wrong, it's normal so cut him some slack and try to understand.
Thank you so much, all I want is this feeling to go away. I see now that is much simple than what I thought it was.
 

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I don't have the answer, but is there any issue where there is a greater divide between men and women? My wife has verbalized the exact same concerns you do to me after finding something adult-oriented in the computer history. I can explain until I am blue in the face how it is NOT a reflection on her, how having sex with her is so much better and different than me going solo, etc. I agree with the other posters. Express your feelings to him, but if you shame him or act like its a bigger deal than it is, he will really start going underground.
 

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The guarantee isn't a guarantee. Talk to him. Ask him questions. Apologize for your reaction and tell him you live him.

Guys get so angry on here about this kind of situation that they take it out on people who had a real life shock and didn't know how to handle it. You in no way guaranteed he will hide his sexuality from you or that he will lie about it.

You didn't even mention the porn. If you had done that I can't imagine the backlash.
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Right!? I noticed that too, I never meant to do any harm, I simply didn't know how to handle it... Thank you so much, that is very helpful
 

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I have a good sex life with my wife and that has nothing to do with my masturbating. Besides liking the feeling, I also do it as to satisfy myself to not bother her later. She has been really good after a long LD spell, so I feel as if I got something the night before, I can do what I need to do if I'm still horny (which is always due to my HD).

Your H jerking off has nothing to do with your sex life, besides possibly him doing you a favor.
You might be right, I just couldn't see it that way. Thank you
 

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:iagree:
YCS if he is having sex with you that means that he finds you desirable. It does not seem like a replacement for you.

From what I have read and what I have experienced with my husband - it is a stress reliever for many men even if they are happy with their sex life with their wives.

It is quick and simple. They don't want to come to their wives for stress release. He was being considerate. With a baby you need your sleep.

I think of it like this, as long as it is not a substitute for sex, it is his body, I don't own it. It is a private thing and we allow each other privacy.

Sometimes women get into a habit of treating men like one of their kids by trying to control everything they do.

Try to avoid this. You will not be happy with a man who has to explain himself and who is totally controlled by you.

Allow each other the gift of ownership of your bodies that you share with each other. Preserve privacy.

It is not the same as secrecy. He is not doing anything wrong, it's normal so cut him some slack and try to understand.
:iagree::iagree::iagree: Wow Catherine, you nailed it.
 

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I can relate to this. I to walked in on my Husband in the garage doing it. I was totally crushed. Not because I think it's wrong but because my Husband never wants sex without me complaining forever about it so I just marked it down as He just didn't want sex. When I walked in on Him doing that, It hit me so hard right in the gut and totally crushed me.
He was embarrassed and I was hurt. It took me about a day to get over it and He still assures me he loves me 100% but it makes no sense to me. I could see if we had sex often but it's been two months so far and I had to ask Him if it would be possible to have sex the end of this week since it's our Anniversary!
Keep talking to Him but try not to judge Him. It is true it's a stress reliever and I wish the best for both of you.
 
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