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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Married 11 years - 2 boys of 4 and 7.

8 months ago, after many months of premonition, found texts between my wife and a friend of ours. They were deep and intimate, She denied for the last 8 months despite the evidence. When I travelled I found her in a state of a 16-year-old in love. I knew sthg had happened. She only admitted 3 days ago.

My wife emotionally blocked me out from the day we got married and has been pretty nasty. I have been there fore my wife but no amount of my seduction or attempts won her over - but this friend did.

I want out but for the sake of the kids, I am choosing to hang in there.

We are all deeply embedded in church life and I am quiting the ministry I am leading. The guy is also in ministry. I want out but I am afraid to make the decision to actually get out bse I love my kids. I feel very negative feelings towards her at the moment.
 

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Expose them both to the congregation - the elders for certain and any others in positions that assign ministries within the church.

These two immoral people should not be in a position to influence unsuspecting parishioners.

How old are you? About 35?
Why do you want to subject your children to a toxic environment?

An environment where coldness and disorder reigns?

They see you go to church and talk about one thing and then go home and act a different way. Very confusing for children that are trying to understand how people act with one another.

They will learn that acting cold and indifferent to people is okay. A normal way to act.

Do you want to see your children grow up to behave like your wife? deceptive? Cold? Dishonest in social interactions?

That's what they're learning from both of you.

So WHAT if they are with you only 50% of the time? At least they will get a better education (by example) of how relationships work.
 

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Married 11 years - 2 boys of 4 and 7.

8 months ago, after many months of premonition, found texts between my wife and a friend of ours. They were deep and intimate, She denied for the last 8 months despite the evidence. When I travelled I found her in a state of a 16-year-old in love. I knew sthg had happened. She only admitted 3 days ago.

My wife emotionally blocked me out from the day we got married and has been pretty nasty. I have been there fore my wife but no amount of my seduction or attempts won her over - but this friend did.

I want out but for the sake of the kids, I am choosing to hang in there.

We are all deeply embedded in church life and I am quiting the ministry I am leading. The guy is also in ministry. I want out but I am afraid to make the decision to actually get out bse I love my kids. I feel very negative feelings towards her at the moment.
If your wife has always been emotionally absent then why did you marry her? Also, women are emotional creatures, so if she wasn't being emotional with you then she was being emotional with somebody else. I'd bet dollars to pesos that this isn't her first rodeo.

As for the guy, I'd tell his wife, beat the piss out of him, quote Leviticus 20:10 and remind him that he got off easy.
 

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You say : "My wife emotionally blocked me out from the day we got married and has been pretty nasty."

Why then stay married to someone like that for 11 years ? Your oldest is 7 so that means you put up with that from her for the first 3+ years before she was even pregnant. Don't get that ?

What exactly did she admit to 3 days ago ? an EA or a PA ?
 

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I'm pro marriage all the way, but from day one of your marriage your wife has taken your man hood and but in a box in the back of the closet. Sorry brother but thats what I'm getting from your post.

The second thing I'm getting is what a terrible example you are giving your kids by being a doormat to this women. yes the cycle will continue...why not what you and your wife have done is give them a crappy example of a healthy marriage.

I suggest you turn this around and show your kids a happy father by getting out of the 11 year hell and finding a women that has respect and the ablity to give your kids a healthy example of a relationship.

I would be allabout fighting this affair but when you thru in the fact that since day one your oldlady has been emotionally shut down well that says a alot to me.

but for the sake of continueing the torture your best bet to make this affair inconvienent and uncomfortable to continue is to expose it.

I spent 13 years giving my kids a poor example of a marriage...its time to change. Its time you found the good that another women can offer and respect the man that you could be.

She caught you for the security and stablity you have to offer, and found other men to meet her sexual needs. Heaven forbid she be honest with you and tell you what she really desires, that would be to shameful and humiliating to be honest with her husband.

If you want this marriage you have to give her the perception that you are confident in letting her go, but I think she has your number and knows you ain't going anywere.
 

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If you stay with her for the kids you're teaching the kids that it's normal for a betrayed spouse to put up with a cheater, who shows no compassion, affection, or love for their partner.

You're not doing them any favors.

Don't believe me? Read about what's better for children.. staying in a bad intact marital home versus growing up with each parent living separate and apart.

Oh, and one last thing. Are you really staying with her only "for the good of the kids?". I see that a lot on here and I wonder if that's just an excuse, the real reasons being the cost of divorce, the fear of starting life over again, finding a new place to live, meeting someone new, etc..
 

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Hi - I am very sorry this happened to you. Read the newbie link in my signature.

I totally agree with the STD and DNA testing.

I also agree that staying for the kids is a huge mistake. Many people make it. Kids always know something's wrong, and they deserve to grow up without the hate and resentment poisoning their view of marriage. They deserve to have a happy father who respects himself. You can only be that father when you are free of your toxic wife.
 

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DO NOT fight the other man.

1. First punch is a felony in many states.
2. It ups her cred and removes yours in any court cases that you ARE going to be going through.

I'm perry sure screwing another guy is one of the outs even the bible allows.

YOU APPEAR WEAK. No penalty for infidelity? Wow what an opportunity that is!!!!
 

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Seriously, the first thing you need to read is Married Man Sex Life Primer. This explains the male/ female dynamic that has always been missing in your marriage. It is not a sex manual, (just poorly named)

What is your wife saying/wanting to do?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks a great deal to y'all. I feel quite better knowing there are people out there listening and willing to assist.

I am 40 now, and yes, I put up with the crap with the hope that one day things will change - you are right - they only got worse. I hear what you are saying about giving a bad example for the kids.

She confessed only to an EA and not physical although the texts do suggest a PA. Without evidence, it is hard. I forced the guy to show me the texts. She had been deleting her texts. I had confronted her about my miscomfort with the guy but rather than stop she went underground and started to erase the messages.

I have checked and I am HIV negative. Even if the kids were not mine by DNA, I would still be their father. So, the DNA tests will not say much.

I informed the senior pastor and he is taking us thru counselling and assumes this is what I want. I want out. I want to start again with someone who desires to have a long term relationship.

I am a person of stability and have had it with the tumultous marriage we have had. Thanks again.
 

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Then its time to ask to leave and inform her you will no longer tolorate sharing your wife.
You may not have the hard evidience at hand but you know damb well that this women is sleeping with another man and is crawling back in bed with you at the end of the day...at the very least have her sleep in the spare bed room.

The DNA test is just a tactice, of course your kids will be your kids no matter what, but this tactic is an action that shows your wayward wife that there are consequences and that consequence is having to get this test done due to her decietful actions.

The DNA changes nothing between you and the kids, but it does make a clear statement about your wayward wife and her action/behavior. It call her character into being accountable.
 

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Drop the church counseling. There is no point to any sort of counseling unless her boyfriend goes too because your "marriage" consists of three people not two.

Are you in a no-fault state? Most are. See a lawyer tomorrow. Find out what your responsibilities and rights are.

Secure your financial records and separate the bank funds but don't try to be cute and hide assets. In the long run it will hurt much more than help. Download the 180 guide and institute it.

Don't argue with her at all. Don't pout, scowl, or otherwise show a disagreeable demeanor. Act with confidence. You are the head of your family and you will take care of your children, show them love - including not driving a wedge between them and her.

She wants to rent her ass out to someone else. Fine. You have no part of that. None at all. Detach from her. Don't let her engage you in any conversation that does not deal directly and exclusively with the children's health and well-being or with plans for separation.

Every thing else is answered with "I don't care to discuss that now - but thanks anyway"

Walk away from any argument she starts. If you've been doing domestic chores do only the ones that involve you or your children.
 

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If you want out of the marriage then file for divorce. Ask for 50% custody of your children.

Your childen will be ok if you work with them to help them through this.
 

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Damn obviously coveting was not covered in the last Sunday go to meeting. Read the newbie stuff sir I did, they will help. From your description its a bare minimum EA. Try and nuke that as best you can before it goes even further south. Good luck.
 

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Married 11 years - 2 boys of 4 and 7.

8 months ago, after many months of premonition, found texts between my wife and a friend of ours. They were deep and intimate, She denied for the last 8 months despite the evidence. When I travelled I found her in a state of a 16-year-old in love. I knew sthg had happened. She only admitted 3 days ago.

My wife emotionally blocked me out from the day we got married and has been pretty nasty. I have been there fore my wife but no amount of my seduction or attempts won her over - but this friend did.
She already had side action at the time is my guess. These behaviors are pretty standard when another guy(s) is in the mix. They shut you out as part of the justification for the affairs they're having. That way they can tell themselves they don't have a real marriage, so they can't be a real adulteress. It's the female Rationalization Hamster. Most likely, as someone else has already suggested, your wife saw you as a beta provider guy who would provide a home for her and HER children.

I want out but for the sake of the kids, I am choosing to hang in there.
That's noble. Kids from intact families almost always do better than those from divorced families. Unfortunately, your wife may not make that possible.

We are all deeply embedded in church life and I am quiting the ministry I am leading.
Why? Are you a volunteer church member or are you on the payroll?

The guy is also in ministry.
Payroll or volunteer? Is he married? What's his status with the leadership? Any fallout?

I want out but I am afraid to make the decision to actually get out bse I love my kids. I feel very negative feelings towards her at the moment.
As well you should.

Even if the kids were not mine by DNA, I would still be their father. So, the DNA tests will not say much.
They'll tell you a little more about who you're married to.

I informed the senior pastor
What's the fallout for OM?

and he is taking us thru counselling and assumes this is what I want. I want out.
Tell the pastor that after much prayer and scriptural review that you have decided to write her out a bill of divorcement just as YHWH did for Israel. Why does he assume that you want to reconcile? There is certainly no scriptural requirement to do so.

I want to start again with someone who desires to have a long term relationship.
At your age, you'll be in great demand and you should be able to pick up a nice 32 year old with a sunny disposition. Or two.
If you take the time to learn what makes women tick. And it's not what the church is pushing. The American evangelical movement is in the feminist tank. Actually, it gave birth to the tank.
 
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