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It goes to say you should move some monies to an account you controll, many OM's strip the cash out once caught. Be prepared to D, with this mindset you can prepare yourself for the long haul ahead. Your marriage can be saved it does however take two willing parties.
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Go to an attorney pronto.

If your husband strips cash from bank accounts a forensic accountant can find out.

Your husband will have to pay for that accountant but it will come from marital asset money.
 

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Get tested for STD's.

As i followed your thread from the beginning I knew this was going to be the result. The fact that he was sneaking off when he was with you was way over the top. When I was with my wife at Disney last year she already had a burner phone and kept it hidden from me and her brother (who's family was there with us). My wife acted strange during this time and I knew something was up. They rarely come clean on their own and rarely own up to things even when confronted. Often times you need solide evidence to get them to come clean. Just part of the cheater's MO.

Keep us posted because now things are going to really heat up and if we can assist you we will. In the meantime you are getting good advice and here is a hug for you.
 
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Thank you. I have confronted him with the print out of the emails that I have gotten. He didn't yell scream blame or deny. What can he say? I have the evidence or at least what I need I really don't want to read anymore than I already have. I do know that he has been with the woman at work for at least a year and who knows how many times they have had sex. What's wrong with me that I only got suspicious in October? Geez. He should win an Oscar for his acting abilities. He knows right when to be his "normal" self and when to turn on the charm to keep me from thinking anything is out of the norm. I am physically sick. My head is swimming and I want to be able to be in control of my feelings. This is not working. Maybe in a few days. This all came out last night. He is coming over today (well he is sleeping in the truck in the driveway) he says ask him anything and he will give me all answers. Whatever. I will at least get a portion of what is true. Just need to multiply that by 5 or more. I don't even know what I want to know besides why? He will say he doesn't know. I will contact the OW and their spouses. I will find out that info today one way or another. I do know that he woman at work's husband already found out some time ago and they are still together and working on it. Or so he thought. I will advise that this is not the case. One of them needs to quit. I know there are no jobs, and I am not working right now so this makes it difficult, but I don't care. I do have a dr appt set up for STD check. How humiliating.. Thank you all for your help and advice. I am sure I will be back and if you can think of anything else in the meantime, please let me know.
 

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Look at you, how STRONG you are. I know you don't feel that way but you should be so proud of yourself, you are taking all of the right steps. You can vent and cry here as much as you want.

My husband played me for the fool for 3 years. So I'm very sorry, I know you think he deserves it, but your husband is NOT going to win that Oscar.
 

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Thank you. I have confronted him with the print out of the emails that I have gotten. He didn't yell scream blame or deny. What can he say? I have the evidence or at least what I need I really don't want to read anymore than I already have. I do know that he has been with the woman at work for at least a year and who knows how many times they have had sex.
I'm so sorry that it's come to this, but I am glad to hear he didn't scream at you. It's really hard to take when someone has cheated AND they try to blame you AND they scream, so at least that hasn't happened. From this point, no matter what he says or how he tries to say that you sort of "drove him to it" please remind yourself that it's true you weren't perfect, but it is 100% HIS choice to have an affair. He could have gone to counseling, he could have spoken to you about it, he could have just ended the relationship and stayed faithful--but HE is the one who made the decision to have two affairs.

What's wrong with me that I only got suspicious in October? Geez. He should win an Oscar for his acting abilities. He knows right when to be his "normal" self and when to turn on the charm to keep me from thinking anything is out of the norm.
Again, it's not you. This was a deliberate decision on his part. Every time you said something or asked about it, he could have made the choice to do the right thing and "man up" and tell the truth, but instead he specifically spoke and acted in a way to make you doubt yourself and your instincts.

I agree--that kind of performance really does deserve an Academy Award. Makes ya ill doesn't it?

Oh and by the way--do not EVER listen if he tries to say he couldn't control himself or he "had to" lie to you because he was the victim of XYZ or has ABC disorder, etc. NOPE! :bsflag: Think of this: did he treat his boss at work that way? Did he do it to his dad or the pastor or whoever he looks up to? If not....then guess what? HE CONTROLLED IT!! He didn't do it to them, and that means he could have chosen to not do it to you, and he didn't choose that. So raise that :bsflag:

I am physically sick. My head is swimming and I want to be able to be in control of my feelings. This is not working. Maybe in a few days. This all came out last night.
Did you get the lotion tissues and the soup? If not, please go get them today or you really will get sick. This is literally, physically sickening, so when you can you need to choke down some soup and if you feel tired, I don't care if it's the middle of the day, go lay down and sleep if you can. It may be a few days until you can, and boy you want to have a muddled head? Go a few days without eating or sleeping! That will drive you crazy--for real.

As long as you feel like your head is swimming and you're not in control of your thoughts and feelings, just make the choice to make no decisions. If he pushes you to "let him come home" or make a choice to work on the marriage or not, just tell him that you will NOT make a decision until you can be clear-headed and that if he pushes you will decide NO right now!!

He is coming over today (well he is sleeping in the truck in the driveway) he says ask him anything and he will give me all answers. Whatever. I will at least get a portion of what is true. Just need to multiply that by 5 or more. I don't even know what I want to know besides why? He will say he doesn't know.
Yeah I don't mean this mean, but don't expect "the truth" now all-of-a-sudden. For at least the last year he's been lying, so chances are about 99.99% that he'll try to cover his own behind or "get his way" rather than tell the actual truth. I'd suggest asking, maybe writing down what he says, and then verifying via neutral means. Just expect that nothing out of his mouth or the Other Women's mouths will be the truth. If they were honest people, none of this would have happened :rolleyes:

I will contact the OW and their spouses. I will find out that info today one way or another. I do know that he woman at work's husband already found out some time ago and they are still together and working on it. Or so he thought. I will advise that this is not the case.
I do strongly recommend contacting the spouses of the Other Women, but I just about equally strongly recommend that you do NOT contact the Other Women. Honestly? There's no point. They were trying to have their cake and eat it too, and you are messing with their cake, so they will not tell the truth or work to make things right. They'll hurt you back for hurting their cake. The OWs' spouses do deserve to know that their reconciliation is a lie or that their spouse has been having an affair--shoot for all they know, they may been given an STD and not even know it!! They need to know to protect themselves physically and they also need to know so they can make their own decisions about their own relationships and what they want to do. So yep--contact the spouses, but leave the OW alone. You're already a mess and don't need to be poking those dragons!

One of them needs to quit. I know there are no jobs, and I am not working right now so this makes it difficult, but I don't care. I do have a dr appt set up for STD check. How humiliating.. Thank you all for your help and advice. I am sure I will be back and if you can think of anything else in the meantime, please let me know.
You are so right--this is going to make is REALLY tough financially but one of them will need to quit. The cost to your hubby for the choices he made to commit adultery is that he can't stay at the job he likes. AND in no way is his financial responsibility lessened or lightened because he screwed around either! And I'm glad to hear you've set up a Dr. appointment for STD check. I know it's humiliating, but you are not the one who put yourself in this position, so don't be ashamed of protecting your health. That's just wisdom. You have people depending on you, so good for you that you're brave.

Now I say take a few days, maybe go to the coast or the mountains, take your kids, and go get away from it all so you can think. Being "somewhere else" (other than the house where you lived with your unfaithful spouse) may help remove some stress and help you think a little clearly. At this point--if he's saying he wants to try to "work it out" you are the one with the moral right to decide if you will end the marriage due to your spouse's sexual immorality or to decide if you will reconcile. So take your time.
 

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I'm so sorry that it's come to this, but I am glad to hear he didn't scream at you. It's really hard to take when someone has cheated AND they try to blame you AND they scream, so at least that hasn't happened. From this point, no matter what he says or how he tries to say that you sort of "drove him to it" please remind yourself that it's true you weren't perfect, but it is 100% HIS choice to have an affair. He could have gone to counseling, he could have spoken to you about it, he could have just ended the relationship and stayed faithful--but HE is the one who made the decision to have two affairs.



Again, it's not you. This was a deliberate decision on his part. Every time you said something or asked about it, he could have made the choice to do the right thing and "man up" and tell the truth, but instead he specifically spoke and acted in a way to make you doubt yourself and your instincts.

I agree--that kind of performance really does deserve an Academy Award. Makes ya ill doesn't it?

Oh and by the way--do not EVER listen if he tries to say he couldn't control himself or he "had to" lie to you because he was the victim of XYZ or has ABC disorder, etc. NOPE! :bsflag: Think of this: did he treat his boss at work that way? Did he do it to his dad or the pastor or whoever he looks up to? If not....then guess what? HE CONTROLLED IT!! He didn't do it to them, and that means he could have chosen to not do it to you, and he didn't choose that. So raise that :bsflag:



Did you get the lotion tissues and the soup? If not, please go get them today or you really will get sick. This is literally, physically sickening, so when you can you need to choke down some soup and if you feel tired, I don't care if it's the middle of the day, go lay down and sleep if you can. It may be a few days until you can, and boy you want to have a muddled head? Go a few days without eating or sleeping! That will drive you crazy--for real.

As long as you feel like your head is swimming and you're not in control of your thoughts and feelings, just make the choice to make no decisions. If he pushes you to "let him come home" or make a choice to work on the marriage or not, just tell him that you will NOT make a decision until you can be clear-headed and that if he pushes you will decide NO right now!!



Yeah I don't mean this mean, but don't expect "the truth" now all-of-a-sudden. For at least the last year he's been lying, so chances are about 99.99% that he'll try to cover his own behind or "get his way" rather than tell the actual truth. I'd suggest asking, maybe writing down what he says, and then verifying via neutral means. Just expect that nothing out of his mouth or the Other Women's mouths will be the truth. If they were honest people, none of this would have happened :rolleyes:



I do strongly recommend contacting the spouses of the Other Women, but I just about equally strongly recommend that you do NOT contact the Other Women. Honestly? There's no point. They were trying to have their cake and eat it too, and you are messing with their cake, so they will not tell the truth or work to make things right. They'll hurt you back for hurting their cake. The OWs' spouses do deserve to know that their reconciliation is a lie or that their spouse has been having an affair--shoot for all they know, they may been given an STD and not even know it!! They need to know to protect themselves physically and they also need to know so they can make their own decisions about their own relationships and what they want to do. So yep--contact the spouses, but leave the OW alone. You're already a mess and don't need to be poking those dragons!



You are so right--this is going to make is REALLY tough financially but one of them will need to quit. The cost to your hubby for the choices he made to commit adultery is that he can't stay at the job he likes. AND in no way is his financial responsibility lessened or lightened because he screwed around either! And I'm glad to hear you've set up a Dr. appointment for STD check. I know it's humiliating, but you are not the one who put yourself in this position, so don't be ashamed of protecting your health. That's just wisdom. You have people depending on you, so good for you that you're brave.

Now I say take a few days, maybe go to the coast or the mountains, take your kids, and go get away from it all so you can think. Being "somewhere else" (other than the house where you lived with your unfaithful spouse) may help remove some stress and help you think a little clearly. At this point--if he's saying he wants to try to "work it out" you are the one with the moral right to decide if you will end the marriage due to your spouse's sexual immorality or to decide if you will reconcile. So take your time.

He has been completely willing to be transparent. I've been given all pass codes etc. he knows what I need and is willing to do it. He knows I may not get past this. I don't know if I can. He slept w her at least 3 times (the local at work OW). So there are more times I know and he didn't deny when I called him on it. It was his first move to get a hotel room (in a cute little town that we would go to). He loves her. He "thought he was in love w her" but thinks it could be more of what he can't have since supposedly she went back to her husband a month or so ago and have only had contact via telephone and text. Whatever. He knows I only believe a bit of what he says. He said he had the chance to leave me when she and her husband separated but when it came down to it he couldn't see himself living without me. Says it doesn't matter but the day before I found out he told her to not text call or email because he wants to work on his marriage. I would have said that was a lie had I not seen that email. Doesn't matter, he is right. I am going away for a few days. He will keep the kids here. I need to be by myself. I am just going to drive until I get somewhere and be alone for the first time in a very long time. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a complete wreck. I did get soup :) and can barely get that down. They should use heart ache as the next new diet craze. My reply probably sounds jumbled but my mind is all over the place. I just can't get the thought of them together out of my mind. It's like a broken record playing over and over. I did not contact the OW (2). You are right. No point just more drama. I did send a message through Facebook to the spouse of the local OW. Haven't heard anything. Don't know if I will but it's out there. The OW not local is not married. So she is off the hook. He supposedly was just living some play fantasy w her but really loved the local one. Ugh. Making myself sick here. Thank you all for your support. I leave on Saturday for some good old soul searching. If you can think of anything else that would help or that I'm doing that is destructive please let me know.
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He has been completely willing to be transparent. I've been given all pass codes etc. he knows what I need and is willing to do it. He knows I may not get past this. I don't know if I can. He slept w her at least 3 times (the local at work OW). So there are more times I know and he didn't deny when I called him on it. It was his first move to get a hotel room (in a cute little town that we would go to). He loves her. He "thought he was in love w her" but thinks it could be more of what he can't have since supposedly she went back to her husband a month or so ago and have only had contact via telephone and text. Whatever. He knows I only believe a bit of what he says. He said he had the chance to leave me when she and her husband separated but when it came down to it he couldn't see himself living without me. Says it doesn't matter but the day before I found out he told her to not text call or email because he wants to work on his marriage. I would have said that was a lie had I not seen that email. Doesn't matter, he is right. I am going away for a few days. He will keep the kids here. I need to be by myself. I am just going to drive until I get somewhere and be alone for the first time in a very long time. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a complete wreck. I did get soup :) and can barely get that down. They should use heart ache as the next new diet craze. My reply probably sounds jumbled but my mind is all over the place. I just can't get the thought of them together out of my mind. It's like a broken record playing over and over. I did not contact the OW (2). You are right. No point just more drama. I did send a message through Facebook to the spouse of the local OW. Haven't heard anything. Don't know if I will but it's out there. The OW not local is not married. So she is off the hook. He supposedly was just living some play fantasy w her but really loved the local one. Ugh. Making myself sick here. Thank you all for your support. I leave on Saturday for some good old soul searching. If you can think of anything else that would help or that I'm doing that is destructive please let me know.
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Oh and he has not blamed me. Takes full responsibility for what he has done.
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Oh and he has not blamed me. Takes full responsibility for what he has done.
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I'm sorry. One more thing. He wants to know where I'm going. I don't know but don't want to tell him either. I don't even want to tell him when I get back. I will have a phone and check in on the kids but I feel that is all I need to do. Am I wrong? That's me not being honest and two wrongs don't make a right.
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I'm sorry. One more thing. He wants to know where I'm going. I don't know but don't want to tell him either. I don't even want to tell him when I get back. I will have a phone and check in on the kids but I feel that is all I need to do. Am I wrong? That's me not being honest and two wrongs don't make a right.
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No, you are not wrong. This is not a case of two wrongs not making a right. You take your charger with you and promise him that you will keep the phone on in case of an emergency, that is the only obligation you have and it isn't for him, it's for your children and to ease your own peace of mind in that regard.

He is very sorry, but you need the opinion of a professional trained in infidelity issues to help you sort through whether that amounts to anything for the future.
 

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I'm sorry. One more thing. He wants to know where I'm going. I don't know but don't want to tell him either. I don't even want to tell him when I get back. I will have a phone and check in on the kids but I feel that is all I need to do. Am I wrong? That's me not being honest and two wrongs don't make a right.
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No you're not wrong... He doesn't deserve to know where you're going right now. He owes you this.
 

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Just read this thread. I need to take a break from this board.

So sorry for this woman and soooooooooooooooooo freaking sick to death of cheaters and cheating. Always the same pattern... the same excuses .... the same lies.... right down to the language used. These selfish liars are simply tedious and BORING lame-ass children walking around in adult bodies.

Society's general reaction is to tell jokes about it or make sexy movies about it. Nobody tells the hard, ugly truth about the monstrous damage infidelity causes to all those close to it. So much emotional anguish, so much devastation to families, psyches, finances etc. etc. When children are involved, it affects them FOREVER. We're talking inter generational damage here.

It literally sickens me that as I type this thousands of people are engaging in such destructive behavior and enjoying it....... until it all blows up, that is.

Ughh. I might check back in in a few months.
 

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Just read this thread. I need to take a break from this board.

So sorry for this woman and soooooooooooooooooo freaking sick to death of cheaters and cheating. Always the same pattern... the same excuses .... the same lies.... right down to the language used. These selfish liars are simply tedious and BORING lame-ass children walking around in adult bodies.

Society's general reaction is to tell jokes about it or make sexy movies about it. Nobody tells the hard, ugly truth about the monstrous damage infidelity causes to all those close to it. So much emotional anguish, so much devastation to families, psyches, finances etc. etc. When children are involved, it affects them FOREVER. We're talking inter generational damage here.

It literally sickens me that as I type this thousands of people are engaging in such destructive behavior and enjoying it....... until it all blows up, that is.

Ughh. I might check back in in a few months.

Well I've gone by myself now what? This, as you all know, is just awful. It's like a bad dream for me. It's like I forget it happened and am okay but then bam it pops in my head again. Sorry had to vent.
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I am scheduling counseling for us both next week. I am not going to be able to do this on my own.
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So I am back. Had a few days to myself. I feel a smidgen better. I had a huge lump in my throat when I pulled in the drive way. My husband has come clean (so I think) on everything I have asked. He takes full blame for his actions. This makes me a little weary as people usually have an affair because something is not being full filled at home right? He doesn't know or can't say what that is. This is very frustrating to me. He said he ended things w the PA a day before I found out. Or so he says. He said he hasn't heard from her or seen her or tried to contact her. It's been a week. That just seems weird but I have passwords, etc and have been checking randomly. I see nothing. He has left work early every day so we can talk while the kIds are at school but he really doesn't say much. Just answers my questions. Says that I know he has trouble putting thoughts in to words. I used to think this until I saw the way he was begging and pleading w the PA to leave her husband, missing her, etc. this sickens me. I guess I can bring that up in counseling. The counselor I have chosen only comes here once a month do I have to wait. They don't have many options where I live. My husband says he is sorry and he knows I may never get past this as he couldn't but wants me to try. I am having a hard time w the fact that he fell in love w the PA. What do you do w that? He acts so normal like he is not even mourning her loss. That I find a little skeptical. I just hope that this is not a repeat of the times I have asked him and he has said he quit talking to them. How do you get past the thoughts of them together? Maybe I'm asking too much of myself. I don't know. I am anxious for counseling and hope that will answer my questions. Thanks for taking time to read this.
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First, I am so sorry I didn't respond to you earlier. I think I read your post on my phone and couldn't give you a proper response. Then your thread fell off the main page.

Second, I have some questions for you. A few pages back, you mentioned that it looks like there were two women, a co-worker(?) and an old GF that he was to meet up with at a reunion.

Have you exposed this affair to anyone? His family? The two women to each other? Their husbands?

Does he still have contact with the co-worker via work?

Now to respond to your post:

He takes full blame for his actions. This makes me a little weary as people usually have an affair because something is not being full filled at home right?
Taking responsibility for the stupid choice of entering an affair is not the same thing as taking responsibility for the state of the marriage. If all he is owning up to is that he was wrong to have an affair and he refused to blame that choice on you, then he is (in words at least) expressing proper remorse. But remember, ACTIONS are the best way to demonstrate remorse, not mere words.

He doesn't know or can't say what that is. This is very frustrating to me.
He may not know himself. Affairs are profoundly selfish actions and the WS is not thinking very much about their spouse when they engage in their inappropriate behaviors. Just imagine how thinking about your spouse would puncture the balloon of an affair fantasy.

You are right that there is some root cause or problem. It might be many things, or only one. You might never be able to put a precise name on it. It can be something wholly inside him, a lack of boundaries he has, issues from his childhood, pure narcissim, mental illness, or it could be because the two of you together made the marriage vulnerable to cheating in some way.

This issue of what needs he had that weren't fulfilled is the stuff of MC after the affair is definitively broken off. What I mainly want you to realize is that if you can't figure out what it is very easily (I was able to easily identify the biggest reasons in our vulnerable marriage), it's likely because the reason lies inside of him, and it wasn't about you at all.

I am very inclined to say it was the latter. Do you know why? He seemed inclined to enter into a second sexual liasion with that old GF, if what you said earlier was true. Way to be 'loyal' to his AP. Serial cheating almost always signals MORE brokenness inside the WS than in the marriage. It can always be a combination, but the issues likely rest mostly in him.

Says that I know he has trouble putting thoughts in to words. I used to think this until I saw the way he was begging and pleading w the PA to leave her husband, missing her, etc. this sickens me.
I find this very, very serious. I've read hundreds of my husband's emals with his AP and he never once discussed their future. What bothers me about it isn't that it's true (because it's hard to sort truth from fiction in Affair Land), but rather because it signals just HOW infatuated he is with her. This is a very, very powerful compulsive fantasy he had going on and the temptation to re-contact will be tremendous.

My husband was able to wait about 4 to 6 weeks before he sent an email to his AP asking nothing more than how she was doing. Now, I was not monitoring anything so I was none the wiser. However, now is not the time to relax your vigilance.

On the other hand, as mentioned, if he was approaching a 2nd woman for sex, just how heartfelt was this "love?"

The counselor I have chosen only comes here once a month do I have to wait. They don't have many options where I live.
If you don't have the book Not Just Friends and Surviving an Affair already, get them now and read them before MC comes up. When you walk in to greet the MC, ask them if they've read these books, or not. Then be prepared to hand the MC a copy of Not Just Friends and ask them to read it. If you only see them once a month it's not too much to ask. NJF is a great book because you can literally use it to assess whether an MC truly understands infidelity, or not. MCs who don't get it are likely to take the WS at their word that the affair is over, to abhor exposure and to put it behind you as quickly as possible.

My husband says he is sorry and he knows I may never get past this as he couldn't but wants me to try. I am having a hard time w the fact that he fell in love w the PA. What do you do w that? He acts so normal like he is not even mourning her loss. That I find a little skeptical. I just hope that this is not a repeat of the times I have asked him and he has said he quit talking to them. How do you get past the thoughts of them together? Maybe I'm asking too much of myself. I don't know. I am anxious for counseling and hope that will answer my questions. Thanks for taking time to read this.
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My husband told his AP that she was his soulmate, best friend in the whole world, love of his life, the only person who could understand him. Yet here he is with me today as I type, reconciled, recommitted, and fully engaged.

My husband was not cold as yours has been. He openly cried many times after DD#1, he suffered mightily from withdrawal and ultimately gave into temptation and re-entered his affair.

I wonder if it's possible he wasn't as in love with her as his emails make it seem. Definitely something to raise and discuss in counseling, as you say.
 

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Discussion Starter #77
Well, the old GF lives in another state. He was telling her that he loved her and couldn't wait to see her when we went up there. He has ceased all contact with her. Apparently she knew about this OW/coworker. Really? Whatever. I told her and she already knew about it. I did email the husband of the coworker. Apparently he knew also, but did not know that they were still in contact until recently when I told him. I guess he found out a few months ago and she moved out for two months and moved back in. He left a voicemail for my husband asking if he would just let him know if they were back in contact. I guess he didn't call him back, but was still in contact. They work together but not in the same building. He will have to see her some time though and this worries me. She is his bosses secretary. He has confessed since the last time I posted that he really cares about her (he knows it hurts me) and it will take time for him to get over her. I know this, but what do I do with it? How did you deal with it? I mean, I guess he loves me because he is here. He chose me and could so easily have chosen her, when she moved out or could, I am sure call her up and say, hey lets move in together. He asked her not to contact him anymore the day before I found out (I saw the email) because it would be too hard to work on our relationship if she was still a distraction. Not sure if any of this makes me feel better.

You are right, he did say that neither one of them talked much about their spouses and what it would do to them. He also finally admitted that over the years I have made him feel unworthy or unattractive or undesirable and he cannot pin point why but I must have said something that triggered this (I probably did) Was too focused on work and the kids. I do believe what you said about it lying within him. A few years ago I realized that he needed more attention, etc. and have been giving him all of me ever since. He has a deep connection withthis OW that he doesn't have with me. I told him that if he thought back to the beginning of us it was like that. That it's like that in most all beginnings. It's fun, exciting, thrilling, everyone is in love,etc. I do believe what you said about it lying within him. A few years ago I realized that he needed more attention, etc. and have been giving him all of me ever since. But he would find himself years down the road in the same situation with her. Plus I told him that he has not been fair and given me a chance as he has put all of his energy in the last year (found out it has been a year long thing) in her and their relationship. He said when he thought about leaving me he couldn't. He could not picture himself old and gray and without me and our grandkids (if we have them), etc. This I believe-he is not one to open up and I can really tell when he is lying. I knew something had been going on but had not proof. I still don't know how to act or feel or what to do with this. Does he love me? Is he going to have to learn how to love me again? How did you do it? What did you do? How did you handle it when your husband was upset about the OW?

I remember you saying that I had a bigger problem on my hands if he was a serial cheater. I have made the OW/coworker aware of everyone. (she has not responded) It's out of the bag. That puzzles me and I asked him. He said he was mainly living out the old GF fantasy. But he was part of it and I am sure had I not found out before our trip that he would have met up with her. (We are not going now per his decision)

I told him that I know it will be hard for him and her to have no contact with each other, but to please let me know so I can deal with it. I think he will but will also be monitoring. He says if she emails or calls he is not sure yet if he will answer or respond (not the answer I wanted, but truthful nonetheless) Truthfulness is what I am looking for. He "says" he will never go back but we shall see. It really kills me that he was/is so connected to her, but makes it a smidgen better that he emailed her before I found out to stop all contact. This relationship with her was very strong so it is harder for me to trust that he loves me or isn't just playing a role or whatever. I am sure I am confusing you. It's just my thought pattern lately.

I have been looking for the books you mentioned, but have not found them around here yet. The library and stores do not have them. I am going to order them off of amazon if they have them.

How long did it take you to start to be comfortable with your husband again. Did he move out and if so, for how long? Whaqt did you do after he gave in to temptation as I am sure this is a great possibility for my situation since neither one of them can afford to quit. I thought about it and there just aren't any jobs around here and my kids come first. But he has been taking an interest in looking for another one so that is a positive step.
You have definitely raised some valid points and given me a better outlook on this situation. I really appreciate it and thank you for responding. I am really here finding for myself. I have made the choice to not tell my family or his (even though he has offered to tell his) because I am not ready for that embarrassment or my family hating him if I am indeed going to work this out with him. He says he knows I may not be able to but would like to stay and try.

And maybe you are right, maybe he wasn't in as much love as he thought (he did say it was more of something he couldn't have than anything)
 

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I told him that I know it will be hard for him and her to have no contact with each other, but to please let me know so I can deal with it. I think he will but will also be monitoring. He says if she emails or calls he is not sure yet if he will answer or respond (not the answer I wanted, but truthful nonetheless) Truthfulness is what I am looking for. He "says" he will never go back but we shall see. It really kills me that he was/is so connected to her, but makes it a smidgen better that he emailed her before I found out to stop all contact. This relationship with her was very strong so it is harder for me to trust that he loves me or isn't just playing a role or whatever. I am sure I am confusing you. It's just my thought pattern lately.
Just to be clear, the way to handle this issue is to inform him that he absolutely may not have contact with her at all. He is to inform you if she contacts him. Then you are going to need to think of what the consequences will be if he reinitiates contact, make those clear, and then no matter how hard it is, follow through if he contacts her. Filing for divorce and exposure are basically the only two cards you have left to effectively destroy the affair if it starts up again.

The problem with affairs is that because they are such powerful fantasies / escapes from real life, they become compulsions. As you correctly perceive, these relationships don't come under the same pressures as real-life relationships—APs are careful to not disagree with each other, and spend a lot of time complimenting, validating, and affirming one another. It damages the fantasy if one of them starts to nag or complain or argue, so they play their roles carefully. Frankly, if they don't see each other very often, it's just not that hard for any two people to get along under those circumstances!

The point is, the desire to recontact their AP is not unlike a person just quitting smoking. (I don't believe affairs are physiologically additive like nicotine--this is only an analogy.) But people often smoke to relieve anxiety. Just experiencing anxious thoughts can make a new non-smoker reach for the pack. Affairs are very similar. The role they play is to take the partners away from the mundane, boring, tedious parts of life, whether past or present or both, and whisk them away to a place with very few problems. The secrecy adds to the fun--they are creating their own bubble world. So when your husband "quit" his AP, depression, anxiety, boredom, and the unpleasantness of life will likely be triggers for him to contact his AP.

Some people might be able to quit their APs cold turkey. Most, however, cannot. I always think of it like this: they KNEW when they entered the affair that this would make you cry until you couldn't cry any more and would tear your heart in two. They KNEW that if you found out you would be furious and would want to rip their head off and eat it for lunch. But none of that was enough to prevent them from entering the affair. So why--why on earth--could you being profoundly upset and angry--be enough to prevent them from starting up again?

The answer is, it's not. There have to be firm consequences that enforce No Contact. It's not good enough that the make promises. Cheaters are Liars--the words are interchangeable to the point of being indistinguishable. If your husband recontacts her, and you do not enforce your chosen consequence, all you are teaching your husband is to keep right on with the contact, or to take it underground, because he's going to get to die in your bed while giving his heart to someone else.
 

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I have been looking for the books you mentioned, but have not found them around here yet. The library and stores do not have them. I am going to order them off of amazon if they have them.
Amazon has them.

How long did it take you to start to be comfortable with your husband again. Did he move out and if so, for how long?
My husband never moved out.

What did you do after he gave in to temptation as I am sure this is a great possibility for my situation since neither one of them can afford to quit. I thought about it and there just aren't any jobs around here and my kids come first. But he has been taking an interest in looking for another one so that is a positive step.
I was lucky I didn't have to deal with a shared job environment. My husband met his AP at work but I discovered the affair after they had both left their place of employment. Encourage him to get a new job every way you can. The two of them working in the same place is very, very, very bad, as you know. I can't tell you differently, I'm sorry.
 

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I have made the choice to not tell my family or his (even though he has offered to tell his) because I am not ready for that embarrassment or my family hating him if I am indeed going to work this out with him. He says he knows I may not be able to but would like to stay and try.
This is serious. If he is offering to tell his family, you take him up on it. If he renegs on this offer, you tell them anyway. If your husband cannot fully stop all contact with her because of his job, this is a MUST. What his family will do is hold him responsible and accountable and give him the backbone that he desperately needs to hold up his end of the bargain. I would have a simple meeting with his parents, with both of you present. And be sure to tell any siblings, friends, anyone who you believe would hold his feet to the fire in his life.

If you prefer, you could hold off exposing him to your family but have that be a perfectly natural consequence of him re-contacting her. But don't use it as a threat unless you intend to follow through--or just like a toddler you're teaching him to ignore what you say and notice only your inaction.

Exposing them at work is another thing to consider and keep in your back pocket. It's highly recommended, but you do have to consider other factors. But at some point you have to say to yourself: is money so important that it's worth losing my marriage over?

And maybe you are right, maybe he wasn't in as much love as he thought (he did say it was more of something he couldn't have than anything)
Well, after reading your latest post, I think he certainly felt an affinity for her. My husband was the same. I think he liked her a lot in every way. I think his perspective on it now is that she is someone he would have dated back before he met me. He isn't so clear, however, that he would have chosen to marry her. That's because although they got along well, he realized over time that the relationship was untested by the reality of life, and that their life philsophies, religions, child raising views, etc. differed quite a bit.

As far as him falling back in love with me--one thing I recommend is having sex with your husband as often as he'll let you (which I hope is at least once a week, or a whole lot more than that!). Of course, you will both need to be tested for STDs, use precautions, use condoms, etc. before going crazy. But sex is profound way for a man to show a woman that he loves her. For some reason women can get confused and think of it only as a male need that requires release. But actually, sex creates a strong biological bond between spouses and that's why it's so important. You may find you don't have much desire--well now is not the time to focus on that. You are fighting for your marriage and this is actually one of the easier and most effective tools you have, so whip it out! It will take time but I think you'll see some effects within a few months.

There are also books--His Needs / Her Needs, Love Busters, the 5 Love Languages, Boundaries in Marriage, and our MC just adores The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he keeps telling us that this book will put him out of business some day, I still have to read that one.
 
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