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Hi ladies,

I'm just looking for somewhere to say stuff I can't speak to anyone about. My partner and I have been together over 2 years and formed a civil partnership last June.

We rushed in and I moved away from friends and family to move in with her. Within the first few months we had problems even before we were married. It was a month after our marriage that I realised I was in an abusive relationship. I felt like a bomb had been dropped right in front of me when I realised it. She was controlling and manipulative, she rarely let me out on my own, she usually insisted on driving me somewhere staying with me or picking me up when it suited her, I struggled to make friends and those I did make were so put off by her that they didn't last long. I felt so afraid and so alone it was one of the darkest times of my life.

We separated twice - the last time was in January for 3 months but I couldn't move out as I had nowhere to go and I didn't want to go running back home with a failed marriage and people telling me "I told you so". I felt like such an idiot.

Also, my partner was waiting for a visa decision based on our partnership and I didn't want to see her deported as I know she loves the UK.

Anyway, since we got back together in March things have been much better between us. She went for counselling which really helped. The problem now is I can't really trust what we have now, my feelings for her changed and I'm not 'in love with her anymore. I can't relax and feel secure as I am afraid of ending up trapped in an abusive pattern again.

I do love her - has anyone else had a similar experience? Any advice?

Thanks

Sharon
 

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Hi ladies,

I'm just looking for somewhere to say stuff I can't speak to anyone about. My partner and I have been together over 2 years and formed a civil partnership last June.

We rushed in and I moved away from friends and family to move in with her. Within the first few months we had problems even before we were married. It was a month after our marriage that I realised I was in an abusive relationship. I felt like a bomb had been dropped right in front of me when I realised it. She was controlling and manipulative, she rarely let me out on my own, she usually insisted on driving me somewhere staying with me or picking me up when it suited her, I struggled to make friends and those I did make were so put off by her that they didn't last long. I felt so afraid and so alone it was one of the darkest times of my life.

We separated twice - the last time was in January for 3 months but I couldn't move out as I had nowhere to go and I didn't want to go running back home with a failed marriage and people telling me "I told you so". I felt like such an idiot.

Also, my partner was waiting for a visa decision based on our partnership and I didn't want to see her deported as I know she loves the UK.

Anyway, since we got back together in March things have been much better between us. She went for counselling which really helped. The problem now is I can't really trust what we have now, my feelings for her changed and I'm not 'in love with her anymore. I can't relax and feel secure as I am afraid of ending up trapped in an abusive pattern again.

I do love her - has anyone else had a similar experience? Any advice?

Thanks

Sharon
Sharon, you sort of answered your own question. You already know what you should do, so any advise I have would only confirm what you are already thinking and that is to end the marriage/partnership.

On the issue of abuse, the gender of your spouse makes no difference. Abuse is abuse, and yes, your feelings of being controlled will continue. While it was going on, you have become accustomed to walking on eggshells, being alerted to warnings of potential conflict, to watch what you say, where you go and what you do. You no longer feel like "yourself", but instead you are a person who is constantly weighing what you think your partner's reaction will be to what ever you do or say. You are not "free" to be yourself.

My advise (in case you missed it...lol) would be to leave. Be free to be yourself. If she would want to get back with you, you will need to see some serious changes in her first. To respect you. To trust your judgment. To allow you the freedom to make decisions for yourself. If she can change to truly accept you as an individual, this relationship could potentially survive a separation. That option is entirely up to you, however you will, at the same time, have the opportunity to move on with your life. Take that chance.

Good Luck.
 

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I'm conflicted.. you say you say you don't love her but then say you do...

Just because she went to counselling doesn't mean that YOU are okay. I think you should go also.

I'm 1 year out of an abusive marriage (separated) and I still feel like I can't function the same way around people.

So if she has changed you should go to counselling alone, and then possibly together.

But the second you see that she has shifted.. you need to leave. Because of the visa issue I would be suspicious that she is doing this in order to stay in the UK. Depending what your obligations are going to be (are you her sponsor?) I would speak with an attorney prior to committing.

Here in the USA a sponsor is responsible financially until that person dies, becomes a citizen or works for 10 years +. Divorce or separation does not end the obligation.
 

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I'm conflicted.. you say you say you don't love her but then say you do...
She loves her....shes not IN love with her.

It's hard to be IN love with someone you are afraid of.

I agree though counseling is in order.

It's likely you are experiencing some ptsd from what has happened to you.

Edited for gender.
 

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Sharon is your pride more important than your happiness and safety. One reason she may be nice now is because she wants her visa. Will you see a real change once she gets her visa?

One thing to consider is that this pattern of behavior is very difficult to change. The abuser must hit rock bottom and lose everything that they desire.

It is kind of you to stay with her so that she gets her visa. What you can do is to prepare yourself for a possible change after she gets the visa. At that time, you can decide if you want to be abused or to D and return home.

Think of it this way. No one in your family has lived without making mistakes. Remind them of that if they are not understanding.
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You have no obligation to your partner. She did things that hurt you very badly. So the first thing you need to decide is what YOU want. If you do not want this relationship, leave. Go home if you need to. Ignore anyone has a bad attitude about your relationship ending.

If you really want to stay then get into counseling and set boundaries. Then keep those boundaries. If she crosses even one of them once, you leave.

If I were you I would also be very very concerned about the sponsorship thing as you will be financially responsible for her. She could not work and you would be responsible for supporting her by law. Do not put yourself in that situation. See an immigration attorney to find out your rights.
 

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Sharon, I do think that abuse can kill the love and trust in a relationship. I think it's very generous of you to be concerned about your spouse's visa etc, but I really do think that you have to consider what is best for you.

I tend to agree with Catherine in that your spouse could be 'playing nice' until her visa is in place, but once she has it the abuse could start again...

Time to think of yourself, IMO.
 
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