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Can't stop thinking about it

2234 Views 15 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  stillhoping, 
EnjoliWoman
or him, as it were. But less pining away and more annoyance.

I got a message to tell my friends (we've hung out quite a bit) and daughter Happy Thanksgiving that morning. He was on his way with his parents to his cousins for Bloody Marys. I haven't heard from him since. I know his parents are staying with him and based on FB (yeah, I'm stalking - so what! LOL) he put up Christmas lights and posted pics. I put up wreathes outside. He hasn't texted or commented on anything since Thursday morn.

This putting things on pause or hold... feels more like a total breakup in a passive/aggressive way. Like he doesn't want the guilt so he'll just keep contact minimal until I get pissed and break it off. After all, he told me he wasn't going to be the one to stop things - he just wanted time to 'fix' himself.

Part of me wants to give it some time and force his hand because it's not like I'm looking to date anyone yet. And I'm secretly hoping for a date to a party because I got a GORGEOUS dress with a ruched, drape neck black top and full navy taffeta skirt with black scrolls at the hem - looks like I stepped out of Mad Men and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

He doesn't get cell reception at his house unless he goes and stands by the mail box so I can never TALK to him (which is a huge problem for me) so I'd have to a) drive over there in a fit of anger and tears or b) write him an email. Neither of which I find appropriate. Maybe he's doing me a favor by making me so pissed off. He's acting like a chicken. I feel like he's keeping me off to the side until he figures things out and he says it's because he cares about me but I'm feeling less like he cares about me and more like he's chicken. I'm starting to understand why omega isn't attractive sometimes.

He's supposed to help me get a tree with his SUV next weekend - well my sedan has hauled rocks, lumber, 8x4 sheets of lattice and plywood - I'm pretty sure I can strap a tree on that thing, too. I'm starting to get more and more disenchanted.

The one thing that especially sux is this happened with a different guy last year at this time. We met on match decided we weren't right for each other but stayed good friends for 3-4 years. Went on a trip over thanksgiving and became more than friends. Two weeks later he says it was a mistake (it was but hurt to hear it). So two years in a row my Christmas has SUCKED because of the men in my life.

BFF says I need to let him know I care and be myself - if I want to text him do, if I want to see him tell him, etc. and let things take their course including him breaking up/turning me down. It feels like begging to me. I don't know if it's self esteem or the aforementioned wall going up, or pure stubbornness but I don't want to do that.

Done moaning. For now.
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Paradise
He is a chicken right now. Because he is unsure of himself. A man with little to no self-esteem is going to be passive. I know this well because I was passive, too. My method of dealing with feelings was to ignore it until it went away.

Let me also state that I was NEVER this way before I got divorced. If you pressure him I think he will clam up and go into a hole.

Just my two cents.
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Dollystanford
I don't know, I think you're spending far too much time and energy focusing on him and not enough on you. He is being a chicken - he should just be honest with his feelings - but he's clearly not going to be

So I'd be tempted to do what he wants, take the decision out of his hands and say 'see ya!'

I wouldn't be remotely attracted to a man who pulled this kind of shizz but that's just me :)
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GinnyTonia
Ugh... I can not stand ambiguity!!

So he told you he needs to work on himself? Did he explicitly say that meant going NC on you?

I'm all for giving troubled hearts room to heal, but if fixing himself includes being thoughtless and inconsiderate to you and your feelings, that's a possible red flag.
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EnjoliWoman
I don't know the 'rules'. He said he didn't think he could feel anything for anyone and needed to 'fix' himself before moving forward with anyone and that he cared about me but didn't love me.

Since then we've seen each other once; he came to my daughter's meet with us. And texting has dropped from morning til night to a few times a day or sometimes skipping a day. Just not sure how to process this.

Guess there's nothing like asking him what the new rules are, huh? :)
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angelpixie
That's tough to do, but I guess I'd agree with that, EW. It seems that the biggest part of what's driving you nuts is that you're trying to figure him out using things that may or may not be 'evidence.'
It may be time for another 'talk,' and this time, ask for specifics. Not just on are you dating or not, but how often you expect to contact or see each other, how you both feel about being contacted by the other person, etc. It can't really hurt. No matter how it goes, you'll learn something -- most importantly, is he worth waiting for, or should you just move on and look for someone healthier?
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GinnyTonia
If your relationship is such that you feel comfortable asking for him to be more specific, then you should.
He may be able to articulate what he needs going forward. But he may not. You may end up with more ambiguity. A back up plan may be in order.
In that case, what are your guidelines and boundaries?
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C
You sound like me...at one point in my relationship!

I have a very nice, understanding girlfriend that I was confiding in during the whole divorce process. At one point, in the conversation, she said "when someone wants to be with you...there is no doubt about. You don't have to analyze it. There is no guessing."

THAT made the light bulb come on for me! Simple but true.
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EnjoliWoman
I texted him that I missed him but that I didn't know what the protocol for being on "hold" is, that I've tried to be friendly and playful but I'm having a hard time not knowing what the boundaries are and I'm frustrated that we can't speak on the phone.

My boundaries - if we can't continue keeping in touch with a certain level of emotional intimacy, (I can skip physical intimacy for now), then it's time to call it quits. I already told him I didn't want to be friends; it would be too difficult.

If he can't give me that much then we need to call it off because I deserve more. If he comes around later and realizes he made the biggest mistake of his life and missed me terribly and I still feel the same way, great. But it's not healthy for me to wait in some undefined limbo for an indefinite period of time.
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angelpixie
Good! I'm glad you got that out there, EW! I hope the answer is what you want.
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EnjoliWoman
Oddly he's helping me out here. He uses 'whatsapp' for texting and it shows when you were last on. He was online after I sent the message (sent at 11:16pm - he was on at 12:03am) AND he was on again at 10am. And STILL no reply.

Maybe he's composing something... but in the first 4 months he would send lengthy emails at 2am (he's a night owl) but I'm obviously either lower on the list of priorities or he doesn't know how to reply because he either doesn't know what he wants or is afraid to say it.

Rip the damn bandaid off, already. This is pissing me off.

Edited to add that I realized perhaps he didn't think my message required a response. I was seeking clarification so I sent one more message before I assume this is passive-aggressive breaking up and said "So... I was asking for a little guidance here as to what to expect. Maybe that wasn't clear."

If he can't even say he's very busy but plans on giving this some thought, then it's time to let go. It's probably already past time but I'm stubborn.
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Paradise
You deserve better than to go through this. Why aren't you out finding another date? You owe this fella nothing. I know you liked him but this is getting insane.
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EnjoliWoman
Paradise said:
You deserve better than to go through this. Why aren't you out finding another date? You owe this fella nothing. I know you liked him but this is getting insane.
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Because I more than like him and we have dated for 7 months - this isn't just some random new guy. And I'm stubborn and need closure. :p
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working_together
EnjoliWoman said:
or him, as it were. But less pining away and more annoyance.

I got a message to tell my friends (we've hung out quite a bit) and daughter Happy Thanksgiving that morning. He was on his way with his parents to his cousins for Bloody Marys. I haven't heard from him since. I know his parents are staying with him and based on FB (yeah, I'm stalking - so what! LOL) he put up Christmas lights and posted pics. I put up wreathes outside. He hasn't texted or commented on anything since Thursday morn.

This putting things on pause or hold... feels more like a total breakup in a passive/aggressive way. Like he doesn't want the guilt so he'll just keep contact minimal until I get pissed and break it off. After all, he told me he wasn't going to be the one to stop things - he just wanted time to 'fix' himself.

Part of me wants to give it some time and force his hand because it's not like I'm looking to date anyone yet. And I'm secretly hoping for a date to a party because I got a GORGEOUS dress with a ruched, drape neck black top and full navy taffeta skirt with black scrolls at the hem - looks like I stepped out of Mad Men and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

He doesn't get cell reception at his house unless he goes and stands by the mail box so I can never TALK to him (which is a huge problem for me) so I'd have to a) drive over there in a fit of anger and tears or b) write him an email. Neither of which I find appropriate. Maybe he's doing me a favor by making me so pissed off. He's acting like a chicken. I feel like he's keeping me off to the side until he figures things out and he says it's because he cares about me but I'm feeling less like he cares about me and more like he's chicken. I'm starting to understand why omega isn't attractive sometimes.

He's supposed to help me get a tree with his SUV next weekend - well my sedan has hauled rocks, lumber, 8x4 sheets of lattice and plywood - I'm pretty sure I can strap a tree on that thing, too. I'm starting to get more and more disenchanted.

The one thing that especially sux is this happened with a different guy last year at this time. We met on match decided we weren't right for each other but stayed good friends for 3-4 years. Went on a trip over thanksgiving and became more than friends. Two weeks later he says it was a mistake (it was but hurt to hear it). So two years in a row my Christmas has SUCKED because of the men in my life.

BFF says I need to let him know I care and be myself - if I want to text him do, if I want to see him tell him, etc. and let things take their course including him breaking up/turning me down. It feels like begging to me. I don't know if it's self esteem or the aforementioned wall going up, or pure stubbornness but I don't want to do that.

Done moaning. For now.
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you just can't wait around for him to become healthy or "fixed". It's not good for you, and your self-esteem. You'll only be just as frustrated, and even more attatched to him. You want him to committ to you, yes, I get it, but never settle for anything less than you want.
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EnjoliWoman
You missed the thread. :) I sort of gave him an ultimatum but it was more a proclamation... and a full analysis... and... well, it's all good. :) He's either in or he's out but I'm not waiting. :)

Thanks for your reply and concern. :)
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S
ok, try this, you say you are stubborn and need closure, what is the emotion right behind those two things? I mean it, really pay attention to the feeling that comes up if you let those two go away. I know I still get the "I can't live without him, need to call him right now" feeling, and then I realize that I am doing really well right now, for the most part and that texting him will only get the bad feelings going again. He was not kind, thoughtful or loving, the way he left me and our marriage was selfish and self-centered and I need to remember to pay attention to that voice
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