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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
after 12 years of marriage, i just cant live like this anymore. it would be different if my husband was trying to change or even would just tell me he loved me. but he cant or wont say until i say something. for 3 days straight (3 day drinking binge where he didnt come home), i kept texting him that he did not love me. or i knew he didnt love me. and not once did he say he did. it wasnt until i asked him if he had nothing to say to me and he said what do you want me to say, i told him, i dont know what do you say to someone who tells you they dont think you love them. he finally texted back saying i still love you. that was last month. he didnt come home again last night. i just dont know what to do anymore

i am fixing to lose everything. my house cuz i cant keep up the bills unless he gives me money (o we have had money issues from him lying to me how much he makes, to his not paying the agreed apond bills and elec getting turned off, to him sapposedly given me 250 a week so i can pay bills and him not given 250 a week) my paycheck pays the mortgage, nothing more he is sappose to pay the water, the elec and the gas. and the groceries. he doesnt always do this. my marriage and i dont believe in divorce. my family because he continues to f*ck up, my life and my everything.

but it is my hopes and dreams going down the drain. he doesnt seem to care about anything. he comes home when he wants. last thrusday he stayed out all night after his baseball game. i was hurt and mad. he came home friday, gave me 250 (he made 659), got groceries and washed the dishes. he worked on sat (usually until noon but doesn come home till 2, 4. 6) last night he didnt come home till after 8:00pm. the kids and i were at a halloween carnival which i didnt find out about until like 4 and it started at 6. he wasnt home so i got the kids ready and went. we all had a good time. only to come home and see him at the neighbors all ready drinking. we came inside, #5 won a cake so was super excited about it. he came inside and was talking to the boys. never said a word to me. unfortuantely the little boys were on the computer and kind of zoned out. i could tell it was pissing him off. at 8:30 he finally asked the boys if they ate. they said yes at the carnival. he got mad and said he did not know we were going to a carnival. then he said to me, so i guess you ate also, i said yes. so he said he was going to get him something to eat and left and never came home.

i am sick of this, i cant allow him to hurt us anymore and he really does not seem to care either way. i try to talk to him and he gets mad, blames me for everything and will say things like why should we talk, it doesnt help. i tried ignoring his actions but i cant help that they hurt me and i dont talk to him anymore. i do text him things like why do you do this and why does he lie to me and tell him i love him but he doesnt love me. and sometimes hateful things, like if your drinking is more important then your family why doesnt he just leave and so forth.

but i am kind of stuck. i am sitting here wondering if i should pack his sh*t AGAIN or kick him out AGAIN or just ignore it until i have better answers on what to do. i dont know where he is or if he is coming home. he doesnt answer my texts. of course. i dont knwo if he is in jail or hospital. i am super sad and super hurt but i know that doesnt bother him in the least. he is an alcoholic. i just read about how that affects the family, and realized that most of it is what i am currently going thru. on top of that there is a bunch of other problems he has and i am just tired. i tried. i used to blame myself. i used to try to get him to talk to me so we could "work" it out. soemtimes he will agree with me, sometimes all he wants to do is play the blame game, sometimes he flat out ignores me.

i just am at my ends rope. i dont know what to do. i realize now that it is not me but him. and that he needs to WANT to change, which he doesnt. he has not hit bottom and i am not sure if he ever will. this is rock bottom for me thou. i am deeply sadden by the fact that our marriage is over and i am fixing to lose everything i worked so hard for. but it is obivous that he doesnt care. and is unwilling to fix anything.

any advice is welcome. i know many people have gone thru this. and i am going to look in al-anon to see if that helps me. i have done the deteched love for awhile now, and it doesnt help. he still does whatever he wants and i still hurt from it. how do i get thru the guilty feeling of losing everything. how do i get over thinking our marriage can be saved if he just changed. how do i stop loving someone who is hurting himself and everyone who loves him. and how do i move forward?> how do i stop feeling so lost, alone and abandoned.
 

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This is a very big clue he's cheating on you!

My ex h would not come home, often out for the weekend claiming to be "drinking". Wrong... He was having several affairs! 20 years have passed and he cheats on his current wife still pulling the same stunts.

I would never put up with this again. I would of been GONE the first incident! This is not love. If he loved you, he would respect you always.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
i wouldnt be surprised if he was cheating on me. i have basically turned into a detective, looking and snooping thru everything. i have tried following him, putting a gps on his truck, looking thru his phone. i gave all that up about a year or so ago. i can never bust him in the act. mostly he drinks, but i always wonder what or who he is doing when he is drinking. of course he swears not but he lies about everything so who knows. i am actually okay with not knowing anymore. it used to drive me literally crazy. i realize i will never know the truth, all i get is bits and pieces.

i have tracked him down a couple times and mostly he was just super drunk, to drunk to drive and to drunk to even talk. he just is an alcoholic, reading more about that and finding out that most of his actions are that.

i completely agree with you on the if he loved me he would respect me. been dealing with that for more years then i realized looking back. even on my first post here, were in 2009. but it has been going on forever. i was stupid and a fool. i didnt see it and/or would make excuses. i would cling onto the small little bread crumbs of goodness he would occassionally do and twist it into mountains of hope that it was a sign he was "Trying".

but i am still holding on for whatever stupid reason. my mom just asked me tonight "why do you still love him" i couldnt really come up with just one reason, but it did make me think. are the reasons i love him out of habit? or because i am scared to let go, or be single? he does have some good qualities about him. he just twists everything so the few things that are good about him are really not enough. So why am i still in love with him? i cant think of one single woman that would after all the sh*t he has done. most women that go thru even a part (pick any i have been thru it all) would have thrown the man out. So why cant I? i know what he is doing to me is wrong. Why do i allow it to continue? I know that i feel unloved, unwanted, unappreciated. So why do i keep letting him hurt me? i am a strong believer in actions speak louder then words, and his actions and behavior has been that he doesnt love me or want to be here. So why cant i let go?

part of me hates him and wants him to leave. but then when he leaves, i actually physically and mentally break down and freak out and ask him back. he leaves when i say leave and he comes back when i say come back. i think part of it is hoping that we can fix it. it was just very recently i figured out that it is not my fault. i am not to blame and i can not fix him. i just need to learn that love is not enough and i have to stop loving him. i already feel like he has stopped loving me. I have to learn to stop loving him to let him go.

anyhow. thank you for responding.
 
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