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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've started a couple threads so my story is sort of segmented on the site. New readers, don't do what I did. Keep a continuous thread going.

Anyhow..

Yesterday my STBXW and I met with an attorney to do a cooperative divorce. I was very cold, stern and obviously angry. She was more gracious.

Backstory: She had an affair, fell in love, decided to leave me, moved OM in with our kids when I went on 2 months travel, and is moving into a new place with OM in two months. I moved into a new place last week.

I thought I could keep hating her. I can't. I just want her back.

The problem is she is the only woman I've ever loved (together 8 years, married 6) and *I know I'll get smacked for saying this* is the one I want for life. I feel like she is making a big mistake. Yes, she left her first H to be with me and now she is leaving me to be with someone else. No, she is not psycho, and no I am not codependent. I just know that she is the one but that she is flawed and now hooked on someone else. After reading so much on TAM, all of this seems preventable.

What do you do when YOU KNOW that she is the one but you can't have her? She is the mother of my children. She is the light of my life. She is a good person despite her actions. She claims she doesn't view family and commitment the same way (obviously) but I know that's BS. She adores being with family. She is splitting our family up and at great sacrifice to me and the kids.

I can't move on. I'm even feeling suicidal again.
 

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Staystrong-get some help for yourself from a counselor, friends, and family. I know exactly how you feel believe me. She is NOT the person you think she is, want her to be, or thought she was. She is NOT!! You have a romanticized fantasy picture of her in your mind. I know you will not want to read these words and they seem impossible for you to accept-but this is the TRUTH. You have strong loving feelings-find another who is genuine and will appreciate you and your love. BE STRONG!-we are pulling for you. When a relationship is more valuable than your life you are codependent by definition. Get your counseling and break free of this black hole-please.
 

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staystrong,

Please seek help for your suicidal thought today. Get on (or back on) meds if needed.

If she left someone to be with you then left you for her current OM, I'd be willing to bet she'll eventually tire of him too in favor of someone else.

She's a serial cheater who needs that constant high of a new and exciting love. This isn't your fault, it's a character trait in her

Find someone who is in it for the long haul and show her what she threw away.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Counseling does nothing.

Meds - They don't solve the underlying issue.

She has her weaknesses but I don't care. I wouldn't say she's chasing the high. Both her relationships were long ones (9 years then 8 years) so I'd say she has more of a problem of falling out of love and not working on the relationship.

She's the only one I want. This is the problem. I've been through this for months now and I always come back to the same thing: I somehow failed to keep the relationship vibrant on my side, and I failed at busting the affair when it was revealed to me.

Once you find real love and have a family, you only have one chance at doing it right. I'm starting to buckle under the pressure. Is there no [email protected] way of breaking her away from OM? I don't see how she can do this to me and her kids. She has to be under some sort of spell.
 

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1-800-SUI-CIDE.......... 24/7.................copy this SS.....PM me if you need to talk about ANYTHING!
 

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Until she hates the OM she won't come back. Your only hope is N/C and wait it out if R is what you want. You can't beg. You can't reason someone out of an A, and you have no control of her actions.

You have to plow through the pain. I was in your situation and through filing for D and doing the 180, now 9 months later she's making comments that lead me to think she wants to return to me. But I'm now ready to move on without her. I guess the passage of time helped me see what she really is and I don't want to be with that kind of person. Trust is gone.

I can't go through this again, and most likely she would cheat on me again, that's her history and I can't risk it. If you R your wife most likely will rip you apart again by cheating/leaving. Think long and hard about this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
Maincourse - I'd take the risk. In a heartbeat. Because nothing is worse than this insanity. I would love to effing R, I've been trying to since D-Day. Recall that I am in a foreign country and must remain here if I want to see my young ones with any frequency.

Chuck71 - I've called the hotline before. It did not help more than any friend would. And I'm tired of bothering my friends and family. I decided if I'm going to do it, I'll just do it. No stretching it out. It's a hideous thing to do but I may have to do it. Thanks for the PM offer.

I just can't comprehend this. Playing the tapes over and over and it doesn't make any sense. We were meant to be together.
 

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Stay strong I am sorry you're in so much pain. Think of the kids at a time like this. Reach out to friends and family again. They would be more than worried if you decide to hurt yourself.
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
A few know.

It's an awful thing to do to the children, I know. I love them so much. But if I don't R with my wife, I may just cave in. I feel I don't have a choice. I'm in the hole and I can't stand being here. Without her by my side, life is meaningless to me. Except for the kids, of course, but they are young enough that perhaps it won't be too traumatic in the long run. Anyhow, I shouldn't be talking about that aspect of it. I don't know what I should be talking about at this point. The usual TAM response to my position is "Move on - you're better without her". But it's not true. I am worse without her. She improved my life and I improved hers. We made each other better. We were the couple other couples envied. Why was I so blind? Why was I so neglectful of the relationship? I thought our love was enough to withstand the strongest storm a marriage could face.
 

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StayStrong- please know that most of us on TAM are going thru the same intense pain that you are feeling. No one in this world is worth taking your life over. You are in charge of your own hapiness. We get so caught up in the whirlwind of love that we allow others to dictate happiness for us! Think of your children,they are a part of you and they will always need you! reach out and get the help you need-one day you will look back on this and be glad you did!
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StayStrong,

Do like your username. Don't make any decisions that will change your life while you are feeling this way.
 

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Staystrong, hang in there and wait it out. So if you off yourself, aside from devastating your loved ones, what if a month from now she has a change of heart and wants to R? You'd be gone. Get some meds, keep posting here, talk to your family, that's what they're there for! Don't give up.
 

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No I am not codependent.

What do you do when YOU KNOW that she is the one but you can't have her?

I can't move on. I'm even feeling suicidal again.
"Codependency, by definition, means making the relationship more important to you than you are to yourself. It's kind of a weird phrase, and it doesn't sound like it means a one-sided relationship. But that's what it is. It means you're trying to make the relationship work with someone else who's not."
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
It that's the definition, then fine I'm codependent. If the shoe fits, wear it. I have to admit it doesn't make a shred of difference anymore.

Maincourse, she's not going to R. She's signed a lease with OM, after living in our old place for over 3 months with him. They've passed that test. The "facing reality" test. Their bubble did not burst. That's it, it's over.

I honestly think it's time to throw in the towel. It sounds so melodramatic but I can't deal with this anymore. I just want out. I never understood suicide until now - it does make a lot of sense in some cases. I don't know if I want to post about this anymore. Maybe this is a private matter.
 

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You have my #.........
 

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Staystrong-you must do exactly that and STAY STRONG! This will pass. Please reach out to your family!
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People here care about you more than your spouse does. And right now...we can help you more than she can....we're all survivors. You will too.
 

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Staystrong: I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I know what you are going through. It is tough. I also know what you mean when you say you don't want to bother your friends and family about it anymore. But you can bother us here. We've all been there and know how it feels and hopefully we can help you through the dark tunnel you're walking through.

As for counseling, I think you should try another therapist. I had to try 3 out before I found someone who could help me and who I feel wasn't useless.
 

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All in your head SS. Nothing is further from the truth. Your life doesn't begin and end with Her. She's not the One and not worth waiting for a second more. Let her live her life - whether she is going about everything the wrong way in your eyes shouldn't be your concern anymore w/ the exception of your children of course. The sooner you realize this the better.
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You don't want to hear the usual fluff TAM responses about moving on?

Okay.

Here's reality for you.

Your ex has a pattern of leaving men for others. You thought you were the exception, you're not. This was established by you and you only.

You'd rather kill yourself while living in delusion than face the cold reality.

That's a shame for your 3 and 6 year old daughters.

Why is it shame you ask?

It's a shame because in 10 years your sweet little girls will be 13 and 16, old enough to make there own decisions on what they want to aspire to in life.

Yet, you can't see past your own self delusions of grandeur to your ex.

You are so caught up in the "now" that you'd rob your daughters of there ONLY father because of the choices of ONE woman.

It's very sad how some of you men on TAM cling to the thoughts of how "she's the only one I ever want to be with" yet are selfish enough to remove the "only father your kids will ever have".

What's even more sad is how you completely negate the impact you can have on your daughters lives simply because you cannot cause impact on there mother.

It's time to get your head out of your ass.

You have kids to raise, it's your god damn responsibility and duty to them.
 
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