Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I'd appreciate some insight on how to cope with a loving wife that is extremely social to the point where I simply can't keep up with her.

During the school months, she has a neighbour (also a mother with kids on the same bus) over daily for breakfast and a visit. She makes plans for lunch and outings with her friend without asking me if I'd like to do something with her. I am notified after the fact.

She also has her regular schedule that I'm used to and am getting comfortable with. She goes to the YMCA with the baby a couple times a week, and does Zumba. Then on another day of the week she also meets with friends to Zumba.

Every time she leaves the house, say to get a couple groceries, she almost always returns hours later, and often without the groceries. Usually she's out with a friend, and it's not a trust issue at all. But it gives me a clear message that she'd rather be out with her friends instead of spending time with me.

We have a camping trailer, and we went camping as a family for a week. We planned to do more camping next month. But today we were invited to a friend of hers for a BBQ, and they invited us to stay over in a tent. I told my wife, we do enough camping and we have a trailer... I don't like camping out in a tent. Also, as we are planning to go camping again in a few weeks, let's pass.

But my wife said, would it be ok with you if I went without you?

At this point, I said, it seems to me you aren't happy. You want to be out with your friends and I simply can't keep up.

This is causing a real strain on the marriage. She said, "I will stop talking to my friends. I will cancel my Facebook account and then you will be happy".

So that's where it is presently - I can't keep up with her. In fact, I never could - I'm social but I don't want to be out with her friends all the time like she seems to.

And she is making the situation BLACK AND WHITE. But it's not. I don't want to give up all our friends, nor do I want to stop going out together. But I do want her to be satisfied at some point and not always feel obligated to say yes to every invitation.

Is there a middle ground?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,668 Posts
My wife gets very busy as well. I actually sit down and blank out time for us ahead of time. I still reserve the right to come up with other things. I am very clear that I expect her to make time with me a priority. I do respect her time. I just don't allow events to schedule me out of the picture either. Our time comes off of the top of the available time. Not what is left.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
99 Posts
I said this earlier, Facebook can be a lot of fun, a way to keep up with people but its just a venue, a gauge in some circumstances.

Sounds like there are underlying issues and I'll guess there are things going on that you don't know, of course I say this from afar.

My soon to be ex wife used to go saying she was shopping too and came back hours later without groceries. If nothing else its a red flag in my book.

In time I came to find out about the other men and her "friends" as well. My gut was right. Her black and white reaction sounds extreme, I've seen that in my ex as well with her betrayal. Again, I say this from afar. Maybe I'm just way off base here.

I sincerely hope this does not become your reality and wish you both all the best.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
772 Posts
But my wife said, would it be ok with you if I went without you?
Ouch!

And she is making the situation BLACK AND WHITE. But it's not. I don't want to give up all our friends, nor do I want to stop going out together. But I do want her to be satisfied at some point and not always feel obligated to say yes to every invitation.

Is there a middle ground?
Yes, but she's the one that's got to give. She's obviously keeping herself occupied which really is great, however she's not leaving room for you. I'm not sure how to guide you other than you need to make sure she knows YOU need time with her too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,668 Posts
I need to emphasize to you that your time needs to come off of the top. You do not get the left over time. You come first. The remaining time is left for friends and so on.

So on the her going without you part. I would have scheduled something else for the two of you to do together and then insisted on that. If she did not like the plan I would try another. But it would not be her going away without me for example. You have start drawing the line somewhere.

You are not being selfish. She is avoiding you. I can't say there is an affair going on, but there could be for all you know. If she says she is getting gorceries, stays away for hours and comes back without groceries ... ummmm ... that is a red flag. If this has happened more than once it is a big red flag.

Now ultimately if she flat wants her friends and not you .... divorce her and find someone who wants to be with you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,613 Posts
I see a lot of this in my marriage which, at the very least, is the symptom of a power struggle situation where my wife makes herself feel better (than me) by engaging socially to my exclusion. I saw this after our kid's swim meet last Saturday when she engaged a couple that we both know very well, I probably know them better for various reasons, for 15 minutes while I was setting by waiting for her so we could proceed with our day. So why does she engage this couple by herself? Compulsion.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Like BigToe said, she is definitely the one that needs to give & the only way she'll know is if you tell her.

Tell her how it makes you feel, make her understand that you feel she's being unreasonable & that you won't let it go until she acknowledges that & starts to compromise.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
I'm not concerned about any affair - there's no indication of that at all.

She is wanting to spend a lot of time with friends of her ethnic community. She Zumbas 3x a week - twice at the Y and once with her friends.

I asked her why she wants to spend so much time with her friends, and she admitted she wants time apart. She doesn't think we need to be together all the time...

Personally I don't believe we are together all the time. We have things to take care of, and she has activities with friends and the kids too.

Apparently, we just feel differently about spending time together. I appreciate as much time together as possible as we enjoy ourselves. But she finds it too much.

So all I can surmise from this is that I will have to put up with it and try not to feel so close with her so that I want to spend time with her.

I guess too much of a good thing is not good.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,324 Posts
This thing happened in my marriage... she went out a little, and then more, and then more and more... while I was happy to stay home and enjoy the time we did have. We prided ourselves on our independence.

Years later, it has continued so long that there are times when I'm disappointed when she's home, and she's disappointed when I accompany her out. My advice - resolve it now because it does not get better.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,691 Posts
This thing happened in my marriage... she went out a little, and then more, and then more and more... while I was happy to stay home and enjoy the time we did have. We prided ourselves on our independence.

Years later, it has continued so long that there are times when I'm disappointed when she's home, and she's disappointed when I accompany her out. My advice - resolve it now because it does not get better.
:iagree:

My husband and I are the same way. Very independent. Partly our nature. Partly because we didn't even meet until we were both pretty well established individually in our friendships, careers, etc. And partly our schedules. I had grad school, he's with a police department and had night shifts for quite a few years on and off.

Now, we've spent so much time being independent that we have nothing left in common, very little to talk about and just get frustrated trying to think of things to try and do together that won't annoy the crap out of one of us. We grew so far apart during those times never really realizing the work you have to put in to compromising and finding that middle ground for socializing together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,691 Posts
I guess there is a happy medium.

But, it sounds like the social contact keeps her happy. I know it makes you feel bad, but like they say "If Momma's happy everybody's happy".

I know when my wife has lots of social contacts, our relationship is better and our intimacy improves. When she is away from her social life, our home life is miserable.
There absolutely is a happy medium. Social contact is essential to me. I am pretty much the very picture of an extrovert. On a Friday after a long stressful week, the idea of a hot bath or whatever completely stresses me. I want to go and check out some new restaurant or catch a band somewhere. People energize and recharge me. My husband...not so much.

We used to be really good at balancing going out to do things and finding things to DO at home (besides staring at a TV, drinking beer or futzing with car parts....his favorite pastimes). Now we've grown so far apart that there is no relationship and intimacy fell by the wayside years ago.

I'm sure that medium looks different for everyone, but it's definitely out there....it's not an either/or kind of deal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
I am in the same situation. I cannot keep up with my husband's social activities. Actually my husband is not spending time with his friends, but he spends plenty of time with his family and relatives only. I am very annoyed with this in-law social life.

I've been married for 10 years now, and when we first got married, I had to visit his parent's house almost every weekend. I'm not American citizen and having difficulty of speaking Eng, so it was a torture for me to sit in there for an entire day! It's worse than hanging out with "friends". Believe me. I have no choice not to be nice wherever I am invited. And I have to play a good wife's role. Anyway, I compromised some and he compromised some, and I do not go with him all the time. I spend time by myself alone when he visits his mom. I visit his family about 1 times out of 3. He drops by his mom to have a cup of coffee before he goes to work every morning. (our houses are only 3 minutes apart by car)

I feel lonely sometimes even I have him and my daughter feeling left alone, but I do not want to hang out with his side all the time. He is willing to hang out with my friends too, so I can't complain too much. But he seems he does not care so much about hanging out only with me. I think that Mr.Conernd's complain is this point: she seems she does not care about what you want to do with her...right? I have that issue! He is a party person. He likes to talk to others, but when we are together at home, we do not talk too much. We have our own space and own time separately. Only common thing is our kid.

I truly understand your feeling.
I do not know how I can fix my issue.
But I think you can still talk with your wife about how you feel.
Plan what you guys can do together and when in advance so that she can make some time for you. If she loves Zumba, why don't you join the class? If you hate dance, why don't you just visit the class and watch her dancing sometime and picks her up to go out to drink after zumba? That's my best advice that I can ever think of.....
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
232 Posts
I said this earlier, Facebook can be a lot of fun, a way to keep up with people but its just a venue, a gauge in some circumstances.

Sounds like there are underlying issues and I'll guess there are things going on that you don't know, of course I say this from afar.

My soon to be ex wife used to go saying she was shopping too and came back hours later without groceries. If nothing else its a red flag in my book.

In time I came to find out about the other men and her "friends" as well. My gut was right. Her black and white reaction sounds extreme, I've seen that in my ex as well with her betrayal. Again, I say this from afar. Maybe I'm just way off base here.

I sincerely hope this does not become your reality and wish you both all the best.
:iagree:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,872 Posts
wow, glad to know there are so many facing the same issue. Once our baby was off breastmilk wife was long gone most every weeknight and weekends. I was a doormat and felt guilt about how tough the first your of child raising was so watched her leave the door as soon as I got home from work, over and over. We both "enjoyed" our independence except that if I didn't schedule something weeks in advance I rarely would have the chance to do something for myself and eventually felt like I was always holding the bag. Her active social life combined with lack of income just drove me further into the house and she avoided me even more. It drove us further and further apart until she decided my boring lack of drive was just incompatible with her zest for life, and so she decided to end the marriage and start going home with guys at the club (in the opposite order :mad:) It kind of made me feel pathetic to be told that she needs to be with someone who is busy and she has to run to keep up with (I've always wanted me to be that one). Difference in social pace became the dealbreaker.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top