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Discussion Starter · #41 ·
Today is day 2. I just want to have my old life back. I try so hard to hate him. My kids say they can only remember the bad times with him and I can only remember the good. I wish I was like the kids and it would be so much easier.
I think for me the frustrating thing is he was the awful person but he got to make the choice to walk away and end our marriage when it should of me saying to him to go.
Day 3... I started the day off ok, I had had a good night with my kids the night before and realised we were better off without him but 24 hrs on I'm missing the simply things like routine of my evening. I would usually be cooking his dinner now but instead it ia another women doing that for him instead. We would then sit down and have a coffee together and have a chat. I know I can never have these things back but I wish so much I could.
I feel like my biggest heartache at the moment is that he rejected me for another women he had only known for 4 months. I wish there was switch to turn my brain off and stop thinking of him and her together.
 

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Discussion Starter · #42 ·
Day 3... I started the day off ok, I had had a good night with my kids the night before and realised we were better off without him but 24 hrs on I'm missing the simply things like routine of my evening. I would usually be cooking his dinner now but instead it ia another women doing that for him instead. We would then sit down and have a coffee together and have a chat. I know I can never have these things back but I wish so much I could.
I feel like my biggest heartache at the moment is that he rejected me for another women he had only known for 4 months. I wish there was switch to turn my brain off and stop thinking of him and her together.
Day 3... I started the day off ok, I had had a good night with my kids the night before and realised we were better off without him but 24 hrs on I'm missing the simply things like routine of my evening. I would usually be cooking his dinner now but instead it ia another women doing that for him instead. We would then sit down and have a coffee together and have a chat. I know I can never have these things back but I wish so much I could.
I feel like my biggest heartache at the moment is that he rejected me for another women he had only known for 4 months. I wish there was switch to turn my brain off and stop thinking of him and her together.
Day 3... I started the day off ok, I had had a good night with my kids the night before and realised we were better off without him but 24 hrs on I'm missing the simply things like routine of my evening. I would usually be cooking his dinner now but instead it ia another women doing that for him instead. We would then sit down and have a coffee together and have a chat. I know I can never have these things back but I wish so much I could.
I feel like my biggest heartache at the moment is that he rejected me for another women he had only known for 4 months. I wish there was switch to turn my brain off and stop thinking of him and her together.
Rejection is the hardest thing to get over for me. I put myself after him always thinking that was the way to keep him happy, now obviously I should 9f been a ***** and selfish and maybe he would of valued me more.
 

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So think of this -- being rejected by such an AWFUL person -- is actually a good thing. He rejected you because he KNOWS deep down that he doesn't deserve you and you are a MUCH better person than him. His ego can't accept that, so he HAS to reject you in order to still think of himself as a better person.
As I said before -- he is NOT much of a man to so quickly dump his responsibilities and go off playing Peter Pan.

I'm sure it's really hard for you, but you WILL be MUCH better off without him.
 

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I thought we had a good marriage so he has taken me completely by surprise.
First, your husband is a terrible person for springing this on you, apparently without warning. The time to break the marriage vows is... never. They should be legally dissolved first. That ship has sailed. What follows could help understand things, or be completely irrelevant.

When you combine this with a belief (whether true or not) that your spouse is a narcissist, you may need to step back a bit and consider if you haven't been so wrapped up in your idea of what a relationship and marriage are that you didn't consider things from the other side.

This does not excuse an affair. Ever. But the question going forward, in future relationships, is this- do you truly understand what makes your partner tick, and are you doing things that wind your partner's clock? Or are you doing all sorts of wonderful things for your partner that you believe represent your amazing devotion and care for him or her?

After being married for years, you get into comfortable routines, and one of those comfortable routines is a belief that life on autopilot is preferred to dealing with possible issues that could create anxiety and stress.

This is a bit along the lines of the 5 Love Languages, but that doesn't go far enough. The 5 Love Languages doesn't go into the "why" of mismatched love languages. It says it's just a thing, you find that thing and fix it, and viola, life is good. Unfortunately that only works if both parties are actively trying to connect and all they need is a road map.

Perhaps I was triggered by the "narcissist" labeling here, because that's exactly how one might see things if they're doing all these wonderful things for their spouse and the spouse and it's not enough, the spouse wants things his or her way. I think, in many cases, it might be that both parties are narcissistic, or it could even be the case that the party seeing narcissism in the other, is the actual narcissist.
 

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Discussion Starter · #45 ·
First, your husband is a terrible person for springing this on you, apparently without warning. The time to break the marriage vows is... never. They should be legally dissolved first. That ship has sailed. What follows could help understand things, or be completely irrelevant.

When you combine this with a belief (whether true or not) that your spouse is a narcissist, you may need to step back a bit and consider if you haven't been so wrapped up in your idea of what a relationship and marriage are that you didn't consider things from the other side.

This does not excuse an affair. Ever. But the question going forward, in future relationships, is this- do you truly understand what makes your partner tick, and are you doing things that wind your partner's clock? Or are you doing all sorts of wonderful things for your partner that you believe represent your amazing devotion and care for him or her?

After being married for years, you get into comfortable routines, and one of those comfortable routines is a belief that life on autopilot is preferred to dealing with possible issues that could create anxiety and stress.

This is a bit along the lines of the 5 Love Languages, but that doesn't go far enough. The 5 Love Languages doesn't go into the "why" of mismatched love languages. It says it's just a thing, you find that thing and fix it, and viola, life is good. Unfortunately that only works if both parties are actively trying to connect and all they need is a road map.

Perhaps I was triggered by the "narcissist" labeling here, because that's exactly how one might see things if they're doing all these wonderful things for their spouse and the spouse and it's not enough, the spouse wants things his or her way. I think, in many cases, it might be that both parties are narcissistic, or it could even be the case that the party seeing narcissism in the other, is the actual narcissist.
WOW.... IF YOU CANT BE NICE DONT BOTHER COMMENTING..... I'm here for support.
 

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Discussion Starter · #46 ·
So think of this -- being rejected by such an AWFUL person -- is actually a good thing. He rejected you because he KNOWS deep down that he doesn't deserve you and you are a MUCH better person than him. His ego can't accept that, so he HAS to reject you in order to still think of himself as a better person.
As I said before -- he is NOT much of a man to so quickly dump his responsibilities and go off playing Peter Pan.

I'm sure it's really hard for you, but you WILL be MUCH better off without him.
Thank you for your supportive response. I know myself and my children will be better off without him. I am really struggling with the thought of going forward in life without him. I wake up feeling strong and by the end of the day I feel sad when I think of doing everyday on my own.
Everyone keeps telling me our marriage wasn't as I remember it as. I know they mean well because they want me to hate him but it just makes me sadder because I need to believe that there was a part of our marriage was good.
 

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I'm sure there WERE real, honest, good parts of your marriage -- probably earlier in your marriage, BUT I DO think that the rose colored glasses you wore for your spouse (don't worry We ALL do that) may have colored things too much so that you didn't see the flaws that were in him which have now manifested themselves.
Well, the glasses are off, you see the real him now, so move forward knowing that it's better to be by yourself instead of with this awful person.

Once you get past this, I'm SURE that you will start finding other people to be with -- someone who is a good Mom and as loving as you -- your personality WILL come out with others.
For now, you just need to do the work on YOURSELF -- analyze things, make sure that YOU become better at spotting red flags and do not allow yourself to put up with them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #48 ·
I'm sure there WERE real, honest, good parts of your marriage -- probably earlier in your marriage, BUT I DO think that the rose colored glasses you wore for your spouse (don't worry We ALL do that) may have colored things too much so that you didn't see the flaws that were in him which have now manifested themselves.
Well, the glasses are off, you see the real him now, so move forward knowing that it's better to be by yourself instead of with this awful person.

Once you get past this, I'm SURE that you will start finding other people to be with -- someone who is a good Mom and as loving as you -- your personality WILL come out with others.
For now, you just need to do the work on YOURSELF -- analyze things, make sure that YOU become better at spotting red flags and do not allow yourself to put up with th
I'm sure there WERE real, honest, good parts of your marriage -- probably earlier in your marriage, BUT I DO think that the rose colored glasses you wore for your spouse (don't worry We ALL do that) may have colored things too much so that you didn't see the flaws that were in him which have now manifested themselves.
Well, the glasses are off, you see the real him now, so move forward knowing that it's better to be by yourself instead of with this awful person.

Once you get past this, I'm SURE that you will start finding other people to be with -- someone who is a good Mom and as loving as you -- your personality WILL come out with others.
For now, you just need to do the work on YOURSELF -- analyze things, make sure that YOU become better at spotting red flags and do not allow yourself to put up with them.
I know this is the way forward for me and I do hope I meet someone to fill the lonely void in my life and makes me feel like I'm special.
It feels like all my past is him every memory has him in it, after all I have been with him since I was 18 and its so difficult to find myself without him there beside me. I am trying hard to do this reminding myself things will be better and I will be happier. I just wish I could speed up the healing process because I'm so sad and I'm sick of being like this. I want to be happy and be grateful to start each day.
 

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I just wish I could speed up the healing process because I'm so sad and I'm sick of being like this
Unfortunately, you are NOT alone in this -- read other threads and you will see that very same feeling exists for almost everyone who was cheated on. VERY sorry you are going through this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #50 ·
Unfortunately, you are NOT alone in this -- read other threads and you will see that very same feeling exists for almost everyone who was cheated on. VERY sorry you are going through this.
I know I'm not the only one going through this, there are so many selfish partners out there. I cant wait till the day I dont cry and feel this awful pain in my chest. I wish so much I was a strong person. I keep asking myself why. I thought I was doing everything right to keep my marriage alive, now it was for nothing.
 

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WOW.... IF YOU CANT BE NICE DONT BOTHER COMMENTING..... I'm here for support.
Sorry you feel that way. All you have to do is say, “If that was true maybe you’d have a point. But it’s not.”

This is not just a “support” forum. It’s about finding help from similar experiences others have had too. If you go to a therapist, it’s not their job to support you; their job is to help you.

The best help I’ve received here has come after I’ve been totally beaten up for my ideas and my belief that others would “support” me.

It’s the replies that hit hard or seem insensitive that may be key to understanding the situation and feeling better. Sorry again to have offended you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #53 ·
Sorry you feel that way. All you have to do is say, “If that was true maybe you’d have a point. But it’s not.”

This is not just a “support” forum. It’s about finding help from similar experiences others have had too. If you go to a therapist, it’s not their job to support you; their job is to help you.

The best help I’ve received here has come after I’ve been totally beaten up for my ideas and my belief that others would “support” me.

It’s the replies that hit hard or seem insensitive that may be key to understanding the situation and feeling better. Sorry again to have offended you.
I can guarantee you that I am no way a narcissist. My husband has destroyed all my confidence and strength I have ever had by his narcissistic personality. If he's children hate him and do not want me to ever have anything to do with him again its saying something about the guy.
I appreciate we all need to look at our selves and self evaluate where we may have contributed to the marriage breaking down, but my faults were being a weak person that my husband fell out of love with. I couldn't of been a better, more devoted wife always trying hard to keep my husband happy. This obviously bored him and he wanted something more exciting.
 

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I thought I was doing everything right to keep my marriage alive, now it was for nothing.
Just realize THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. This is HIS issue. He just hid his true self from you very well and took advantage of your love and trust.
 

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I can guarantee you that I am no way a narcissist. My husband has destroyed all my confidence and strength I have ever had by his narcissistic personality. If he's children hate him and do not want me to ever have anything to do with him again its saying something about the guy.
I appreciate we all need to look at our selves and self evaluate where we may have contributed to the marriage breaking down, but my faults were being a weak person that my husband fell out of love with. I couldn't of been a better, more devoted wife always trying hard to keep my husband happy. This obviously bored him and he wanted something more exciting.
EXACTLY. There is nothing you could have done to satisfy him because the issues and unhappiness he has are IN HIM. They aren't about YOU at all. He would have been bored and unhappy and moved on no matter how "perfect" you ever could have been.

So you need to remove the thought that this has anything to do with YOU whatsoever!!! I know that's difficult, as your mind grapples with any kind of explanation, but you really need to do all you can to just allow the thoughts and feeling to come and GO, and try not to hang on to any of them. The time for understanding what happened is LATER, when your emotions aren't so raw and frantic.

Right now, you need to indulge yourself in anything you need to feel better -- curl up under a blanket and watch movies, journal, eat comfort foods, go take a walk in the fresh air, cry alone or with friends, talk to people...whatever brings you some peace and relief, DO IT. And little by little you will get a grip over your pain and sense of loss, and be able to claw your way out of this. You are actually moving forward now, but it's in such small increments you probably don't notice. Remember, this is like dealing with an actual death...it's going to be slow and painful

And if you haven't checked out the link I posted in my first post to you, you really should. That whole site is a wonderful supportive resource about Narcissistic relationships, and might really help you feel better.

Take care of YOU!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #56 ·
EXACTLY. There is nothing you could have done to satisfy him because the issues and unhappiness he has are IN HIM. They aren't about YOU at all. He would have been bored and unhappy and moved on no matter how "perfect" you ever could have been.

So you need to remove the thought that this has anything to do with YOU whatsoever!!! I know that's difficult, as your mind grapples with any kind of explanation, but you really need to do all you can to just allow the thoughts and feeling to come and GO, and try not to hang on to any of them. The time for understanding what happened is LATER, when your emotions aren't so raw and frantic.

Right now, you need to indulge yourself in anything you need to feel better -- curl up under a blanket and watch movies, journal, eat comfort foods, go take a walk in the fresh air, cry alone or with friends, talk to people...whatever brings you some peace and relief, DO IT. And little by little you will get a grip over your pain and sense of loss, and be able to claw your way out of this. You are actually moving forward now, but it's in such small increments you probably don't notice. Remember, this is like dealing with an actual death...it's going to be slow and painful

And if you haven't checked out the link I posted in my first post to you, you really should. That whole site is a wonderful supportive resource about Narcissistic relationships, and might really help you feel better.

Take care of YOU!!!
Thank you. Im trying so hard to remember this is right for me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #57 ·
Thank you. Im trying so hard to remember this is right for me.
I had to message him about money today and he wanted me to call him because I have blocked his number. I had to say no, but it was so hard to not just ring him.
It has now put me backwards because I just want him to be here with me but know that is not possible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #58 ·
I had to message him about money today and he wanted me to call him because I have blocked his number. I had to say no, but it was so hard to not just ring him.
It has now put me backwards because I just want him to be here with me but know that is not possible.
I know I sound pathetic but I'm struggling so much I dont know how much longer I can do this for. My thoughts are constantly on him him with her, its just destroying me. Nobody around me can understand what I'm going through. I look at everyone around me happy he's gone. I know it sounds awful but I'm even staring to resent my children for being happy he's gone. I dont think I'm ever going to get over him. Im trying so hard to be strong but I can't. I cant keep focused on anything and meanwhile he's happy with his new life and couldn't give a stuff about me. Why are people so mean!!!!!
 

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I know I sound pathetic but I'm struggling so much I dont know how much longer I can do this for. My thoughts are constantly on him him with her, its just destroying me. Nobody around me can understand what I'm going through. I look at everyone around me happy he's gone. I know it sounds awful but I'm even staring to resent my children for being happy he's gone. I dont think I'm ever going to get over him. Im trying so hard to be strong but I can't. I cant keep focused on anything and meanwhile he's happy with his new life and couldn't give a stuff about me. Why are people so mean!!!!!
Maree, you DO NOT sound pathetic at all!!!!! You are understandably hurt and disappointed, and want desperately to escape the pain you are in...PLENTY of people understand how you feel, and it's NOTHING to be ashamed of.

It's important that you just accept that you are going to suffer without him until you heal enough to imagine a new reality for yourself. There are NO shortcuts out of this, you simply have to GO THROUGH it.

It's perfectly normal and understandable that you feel resentful of anyone who is happy while you are hurting so badly - even your children!! Just try not to burden them with your resentment towards them, and there is no harm in it. It's like all your mixed up and painful feelings right now - let them come and then GO.

I would encourage you again to check out this site about Narcissistic abuse...here is a link to another article that might help you....

She has a healing course that you can pay for (that I never did), but also TONS of free posts and articles that are really insightful and helpful. I really think that reading some of the stories and articles on there might help you understand why you are hurting so badly, and help you see you aren't alone!
 

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Discussion Starter · #60 ·
Maree, you DO NOT sound pathetic at all!!!!! You are understandably hurt and disappointed, and want desperately to escape the pain you are in...PLENTY of people understand how you feel, and it's NOTHING to be ashamed of.

It's important that you just accept that you are going to suffer without him until you heal enough to imagine a new reality for yourself. There are NO shortcuts out of this, you simply have to GO THROUGH it.

It's perfectly normal and understandable that you feel resentful of anyone who is happy while you are hurting so badly - even your children!! Just try not to burden them with your resentment towards them, and there is no harm in it. It's like all your mixed up and painful feelings right now - let them come and then GO.

I would encourage you again to check out this site about Narcissistic abuse...here is a link to another article that might help you....

She has a healing course that you can pay for (that I never did), but also TONS of free posts and articles that are really insightful and helpful. I really think that reading some of the stories and articles on there might help you understand why you are hurting so badly, and help you see you aren't alone!
Thankyou so much for your support. Writing on this pages helps alot. It helps with the loneliness because I know here people do understand what I'm going through. Everyone around me try's to help but sometimes they just say the wrong things thinking its making me feel better but it actually can at times make me feel worse.
 
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